I am new to the boards as far as posting goes, but I have been reading them for a couple months now. I have found a lot of encouragement from reading the advice posted on other threads. I know my situation is not "unique" and I think I am on the right track but would like to confirm that thought.

History:

Married - 16 years
Me - BW 38
WH - 38
DD - 13
DD - 12
D-Day 8/23/07

We started dating our senior year of high school and have been together since. We were each others intimate firsts and have experienced a lot of other firsts together along the way. Unfortunately right before we got married (about 1-2 months) he was gone with the military and had A's with multiple people during that time. Of course even still today he says he didn't cheat then because we weren't "married" at the time. Even today this is still a source of pain for me, I think mostly because he still doesn't see it as having been wrong.

I found out in August that H had a PA with OW (which he works with). I was of course very angry and hurt about the entire situation. To his credit he did reveal the A to me when I started questioning the quantity of text messages on his phone to a certain phone number that I did not recognize. What made this even worse for me was when I found out that the reason he backed out of the family vacation that we had planned over the summer was partly due to her. He of course told me it was because something had gone wrong at work and he couldn't leave at that time. We did go to MC through August and September but have since stopped at his request.

In October we took a long weekend and went to the mountains to get away and reevaluate our relationship. I had ordered and took with us the SAA book, which I read while we were there. I couldn't get him to actually read the book but he was forced to listen to me read parts of it. At the end of the weekend he said he was going to call it quits with her and stop all communication. I think this lasted all of maybe 2 days.

I keep trying to implement Plan A and I know I can't count the times he has told me that I am a much better person than he would ever be. He says he would have kicked me out in August when he found out about the A if roles were reversed. I really don't want to lose our marriage over this. Overall I thought it had been a good marriage all these years. Sure, it wasn't perfect but then what marriage is perfect.

Anyways, we spent most of November talking about what to do and basically in a state of Limbo. It has been driving me crazy to do nothing. WH and OW were still communicating daily at work and via text messages and phone calls. At one point he actually submitted an application for an apartment and was approved, but then turned it down because he said he just couldn't do it. I saw this as a good sign but the communication with the OW still continued.

December came and things continued just getting harder. I finally convinced him to take a couple weeks off during the holidays (which he reluctantly agreed to). I think this was a good thing although they still talked for the first week. I was off from work the week after Christmas with him and it did give us a lot of time to talk. Again he was still talking about needing to move out before he totally destroyed our relationship to the point it could never recover. There was one day when I actually went with him to look at apartments (wanted to make sure where my kids would be when they were with him.) That Saturday he went out and was gone 5-6 hours. He left with the intention of filling out the paperwork and getting the apartment. When he got home Saturday night, he had not applied for the apartment and again said he just couldn't bring himself to do it. I guess the best thing during this week is that he quit responding to the OW's text messages and ceased communication with her.

Of course noone could have prepared us for Saturday night (12/29). Our kids have known something is going on for months but hasn't know about the A. That night when he got home they started asking very pointed questions of him which brought the A to lite. DD13 was VERY angry and walked around for several days going "I Hate Him". I have tried to reassure her that she doesn't hate HIM but may hate what he has done. That her Dad still Loves her very much and always will. (The kids are his life and #1 priority.) DD12 reacted with a very surprising response (that still brings a smile to my face) She said "Dad, I don't know where you hid the key to the drawer but you need to find it. You need to take your brain out of it and start using it because its obvious that your not" Oh God Love Her.

On Sunday 12/30 we spent quite a bit more time talking and decided that we would stay together for at least 6 months and try to work on things. (Feeling really good about now)

1/1/08 I saw a text message from OW on his blackberry. It was obvious that he hadn't responded to her in days because she was quite mad. She was telling him that if he was thinking of moving into an apartment to spend more time with her to not bother, she was DONE. (may be a good New year yet!!!)

1/2/08 This was his first day back to work. I knew he would talk to her since they work together. During the day he had emailed me at work a couple times (which is unusual) and things seemed to be OK. When we got home that night I asked how it went but didn't press for too many details. He admitted that he had talked to her but that was about it.

1/3 I knew it must not be a very good day because he didn't email or talk to me at all during work today (back to old habits). When we got home he did admit after some teeth pulling that it had been a very emotionally rough day. I think he really wants to end this relationship but is finding it harder than he though to do so. I suggested to him again about finding a new job but he really likes his job and doesn't want to.

1/5 Today - Good Lord this has probably been the hardest day so far. I intercepted another text message on his blackberry. This time she was talking about having just watched a movie and how she really missed they way he held her face when he kissed her. I don't know if he responded to it or not but that just cut me to the quick. I know exactly the "hold" she is talking about and it is so strong but gentle that it just makes you want to melt. This is something I never wanted to ever share with anyone.

Of course this brought up another conversation and again he was asking me if I wanted him to leave. He seems to think if he would leave for 6 months that it would make it easier to repair the marriage later. He tells me he is afraid that by staying he is going to cause me soo much pain that I will end up hating him forever. As so many have said, he says that no matter what happens with us as a couple that he wants to remain friends.

There is a part of me of course that wants to let him move out because then I wouldn't be faced with the emails like I saw today. It may afterall save some of the pain. But then again my gut tells me that if he does move out that our relationship is done forever. I am afraid that he will find whatever it is he is looking for. (which he of course says isn't the OW)

Do any of you have any advice on wether to continue with Plan A or is it time for Plan B? I think I want to continue with Plan A for the 6 months that we committed to a week ago but I feel like he is begging me for "persmission" to move to Plan B.

Thank you in advance for all of your comments and support!!

Hope,

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I'm glad your H is willing to even discuss OW. Please be patient as the boards are notoriously slow on weekends.

A year ago my H supposedly ended contact with his OW; we were doing well for about a month. Then, after he got back to work after the holidays, he started acting like a jerk again. H and OW renewed contact. I gave it 30 days (unbeknownst to H) for an intense plan A...then I was going to ask him to leave.

A couple of days into plan A, H admitted everthing and quit his job a few days later. We've since moved from FL to TX to get away from OW.

Your H will have to stop working with OW. Are they both military?

Hopeful, is your WH ready to end contact with OW? Do a NC for life letter? If not sounds to me like he is cake eating, especially after his children have confronted him.

IMO he is also very much in the fog. NO one in their RIGHT mind would 'ask' to leave for 6 months to continue with an A so that it wouldn't hurt YOU and you and WH could remain friends. That is definately ALIEN talk.

I think I want to continue with Plan A for the 6 months that we committed to

I don't understand the above quote? Did your WH commit to your M for 6 months, or did you give him 6 months to continue with his A and you Plan A him, or did you both commit to working on M for 6 months together?

Have you considered exposing the A? That would definately put a kink in their situation.

"Are they both Military?"

No, WH has been out of the military for the last 10 years. OW (to my knowledge) has never been in the military. The military was the situation that allowed the first bout of infidelity to happen.

What I meant about the Plan A that we committed to for 6 months was an agreement between us. We had been discussing what was best for both us and the kids. The kids have really been starting to show signs of stress because they don't know what is going to happen. Many of their friends come from divorced families and this has always been their greatest fear since they were very young. We decided together that we needed to give them some sort of stability while we try to work this out. For this reason when we were discussing whether he should stay or go we decided that whichever decision we made it was going to have to be for a 6 month time frame so that the kids would at least know how things were going to be for an extended time. (better than changing on a daily basis.)


This morning WH and I had another long talk about the entire situation. He is saying that he doesn't want to give up the relationship with OW and that he cannot see his life without both of us in it. I just can't live with her as part of my life. I still really don't want to lose H but I am feeling like I have no choice in the matter. He keeps emphasizing that he wouldn't leave for her but that he may have to leave in order to get himself straight. I have insisted that if he leaves that our relationship is done. Am I wrong to insist this? I tend to have a lot of stubborn pride and I am afraid that purely out of principal I would never let him back in even if I wanted to.

Why do some days things seem so possible and others seem totally hopeless?

Why haven't you exposed the affair at their work?

Have you exposed the affair to friends and family? Is the OW married?

The OW is not married. The affair has been exposed to all of our family and none of them agree with it. His Mother has told him he is wrong but that he is still her son. She wants to see us stay together also but doesn't want to go against her son. His brother also thinks it is wrong but since their relationship has always been rocky, doesn't want to get involved either.

My family is also against it but keeps seeing the only solution as divorce.

He keeps emphasizing that he wouldn't leave for her but that he may have to leave in order to get himself straight. I have insisted that if he leaves that our relationship is done. Am I wrong to insist this?

He wants you both?! Cake eating...He can't have you both unless you allow it. IMO you are not wrong to insist that he give up OW and focus on your M.

Good that you exposed to family. Now expose at work.

Have you read the articles on this site? Surviving an affair, basics of MB, etc?

Thanks for explaining what you meant by plan A.

Well, I think things have taken a turn for the worse.

Last night he went to watch the football game with a bunch of "guys" from work. Tonight he was late because he supposedly had to work. Both of the kids are questioning me about where he is and who he is with. I have been telling them what he tells me but then they always ask "is she there too?"

After talking to WH tonight he says he is going to get an apartment and move out. He keeps saying he needs time to get his head on straight. Of course he keeps saying it isn't to spend more time with OW but I have a really hard time believing that. I have told him that he has to do what he has to do but that I can't make any promises about a future "us". I have explained that I will not have any contact with him until there is NC with the OW. He of course doesn't like this and thinks we should still continue talking/seeing each other after he moves out.

My question is should I give it some time or go ahead and just file for divorce? I Love him but I am having a very hard time believing that he will ever be capable of changing his ways or devoting himself to me. We still haven't been able to even sit down and talk about everything that is wrong with our marriage or what we can do to fix it. Part of me wants to give him some time but then again, part of me just wants to move on with my life. I am starting to find myself wondering more and more if there isn't someone else out there that would make me as happy or happier than he has. I know this sounds terrible to think about your spouse but with everything I have gone through lately (which I am sure many of you understand) I just don't know.

Any thoughts or other ideas of how to get through this? Am I wrong for thinking that there may be someone else out there for me? Should I give him the time or just call it quits now and move on?

Hopeful, right now you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain by exposing them to their work. Write a letter to HR and explain the situation, that they are using work time and phones, computers to further their affair, that you are dedicated to saving your marriage and that you don't want your WH at the paying end of a sexual harrasment lawsuit if things go wrong in his relationship with the Ho. Thank them for any help they can do as far as restoring your children's father to them. Let them know that WH has tried to end it to no avail, due to Ho' insistence to carry on...if that is the case. One of them is gonna back down once HR is involved. Also, calculate the CS he and Ho are gonna pay for DD's. And ouch, I see you have been M for 16 yrs, he's gotta pay some spousal suport as well, til you can get your bearings. Inform their work, SHE will become a pariah in the office. Move on this soon, for your own sake.


GF

Hopeful what do you have to lose to wait on the D? If WH moves out I would definately talk to a lawyer to secure finances, custody, CS, etc.

I think your thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence is NORMAL, may or may not be true, but a NORMAL feeling. IMO until the A stops you will be riding this emotional rollercoaster.

You NEED to expose at work if you want the A to stop. A's are so infatiating because of the 'secretness'. EXPOSE everywhere you can. Your WH will be beyond furious but you are fighting for your M, once your non-alien H returns he'll understand.

Have you read the articles on the site? Can you call and make an appointment with the Harleys? They would be able to help you with a plan of action.

Once the A stops I think you'll be in a better position to decide what to do about your M (recover or D).

Well, here is the updates since I haven't posted in quite awhile.

Mid January, DD found a text message from OW that resulted in me asking WH to leave the house. (OK, he wasn't exactly ASKED) Anyways, he did and spent about 4 days on a friends couch before he came back and asked me to allow him to move back into the house. I was so happy for him to be reaching out even this little bit to me that I of course did.

That next weekend we went away by ourselves and spent alot of time talking. I think he is really starting to see something other than fog.

Since then there have been a few ups and downs. He has taken big steps into breaking off the relationship with OW. I was standing next to him during one of their phone conversations. I know everyone at work knows about the affair also because of a conversation that WH's boss had with him. He had basically told him that because of it his reputation at work has decreased so dramatically that they have actually thought about firing him. (In ways I really wish they would since I can't convince him to give up the job voluntarily and OW also works there.) I have actually thought about calling his boss and asking him to please fire him that we will be OK. (Financially we could live off of my salary with some cuts.)

My troubles at this point are the facts that I know while GREATLY limited, there are still conversations going on between the 2 of them. At this time they are limited to a phone call in the AM while on their way to work and a few "casual" greetings in the common areas at the office. For me this is still too much but it is progress (I think). The OW is not married so there is noone to go to on her side. I have actually gone as far as to contact her myself and tell her that NO CONTACT meant absolutely NO Conversations. I know WH has told her this but they are both having trouble abiding by it. (Some of the phone calls are made by him but the majority come from her)

How do I get this last bit of remaining contact to stop? WH insists that it is meaningless and that their relationship is over (at least in his mind). We have both agreed that we want to save our marriage but are in much disagreement about the steps to take to do that. His proposal in the situation is for him to move out so that he can "get his head on straight" and be able to commit 100% to the marriage. I personally think that him moving out would be the worst thing that we could do. Is there anyone who can speak from experience on this???

I really want this to work and I am trying not to push too hard but at the same time I really need for him to start meeting some of my needs also.

I am open to all ideas!!!!

He says (and at this point I really believe) that he wants to save our marriage. I don't think he wants to move out so that he can continue the A and I do believe that he sees this as only a temporary situation (6-8 months). He knows that it is going to take alot of work on both of our parts but is afraid that he isn't going to have what it will take yet. I think a huge part of him is hurting over the ending of the A (even though they still talk). Any ideas?

I'm am sorry you are in this situation. He wants to move out so that he can continue the affair. Couples do not separate in this kind of situation in order to work on their marriage.

He is taking advantage of your tolerance of the contact he is having with his affair partner.

Let him know that you understand the reason he wants to move out. If he moves out, you can be sure that she will be at his apartment.

I am sorry to be so blunt about this, but I am certain that old-timers on this board will tell you the same thing I am telling you.

Are they equal at work in terms of status, or is one of them above the other in the work hierarchy? Have you written a letter to the Human Resource Director, with a carbon copy to his supervisor and the President of the Corp? As long as they work together, the A will continue, either emotional or physical or both.

I think you know that. But, please don't buy that crap about moving out to work on the marriage.

Lake, Thank you for your response. They are in totally different departments at work but I guess you would consider them equals since neither is a supervisor.

I am not sure a letter would do anything since everyone at work already seems to know and doesn't seem to care as long as it doesn't interfere with their job performance. I will say that he has gone to great lengths to invite me to come over to work when he has to work late or on the weekends. I have done this several times and she has NOT been there. Some of these have been unanounced visits as well.

Honestly, he keeps saying he wants to move out but he has done nothing to take steps towards that direction. He wants my approval or blessing before he does. This of course I tell him that I can't give. I think he really knows now that the relationship with the OW has no future and I am hoping he is just still in the withdrawl stages. He is a very proud and stubborn man. I think this may be part of the reason that he won't stop the contact with her. I have repeatedly told him that it has to stop so he sees it as being "control" on my part. I am wondering if I should give it some more time and not mention anything about the contact for awhile and see if it decreases over time. (at this point he is no longer deleting stuff from his phone and has finally quit hiding it as well.)

Crushing update (at least in my mind).

WH said he had to work late last night and I had a few errands to run so I figured I would stop by and keep him company for a bit before going home. Boy was that a mistake on my part. I got to work and his truck was not in the parking lot, low and behold he wasn't at work. He says he had gone to Best Buy (which is next to his work) to look around for a bit for nothing inparticular. I am so devestated I am not sure which way to even go. This has been going on for too long now....

As of last night he says he is going to go get an apartment today and move out as soon as he can so that he can stop putting me through this pain. As he tends to be one for all talk and no action I really don't think he will. I don't want to push him away but I really don't know what to do at this point.

HELP!!!

Well, I guess I was wrong. He did go and get an apartment yesterday. He is planning on moving next weekend (15th). I can't stand to be around him at this time because I really want him in my life and it just hurts me more to know that he is leaving me. It is like living in some false fairy tale right now. Needless to say I went to a friends house last night by myself. Tonight I am supposed to go get my kids and bring them over there to stay with me.

How can he continue to be so blind that he can't see how much he is hurting both me and our kids??? What is it going to take to get him to wake up and smell the coffee?? I feel like a mack truck has run over me today and there is no hope of ever getting up again.