Hi,
I have posted before but quick summary, wife is moved out and now living with the OM. Have read the book and very typical emotional affair.
In a nutshell, she thought he was amazing and meeting all her emotional needs, so she moved out.
HOWEVER, now she has done that she is realising that he is not all that I am specifically with regard to money. She has told me they are arguing frequently and on New Years Eve she left after a huge argument in floods of tears and called me a lot.
I am basically pretty much doing Plan A and trying to meet her needs when I can, especially with some money for a hair cut etc to make her feel good when he has no money and she is responding.
She does call me and I have lunch with her when she is saying she misses me so much and loves me so much. Sometimes it feels contrived but it is also genuine when you can hear the emotion in her voice.
It looks like she seems unwilling to admit a mistake has been made, she is sticking it out in the hope he will change I guess back into the guy she met before, but now normal life and children are there the affair has lost it's shine.
I know she is not an easy person to live with as well, which I guess contributed to the daily arguments she tells me about.

So sorry to go on, but the question is from the book it would seem that as she is living with him I should be in Plan B. However, she seems to be responding to me meeting her needs, especially financially. She is also obviously having big problems with him so I am making her feel happy with me when maybe she is going home to arguments with him. I should also add he is controlling her a lot and basically imprisoning her which she did not expect.

So in the light of the above, that meeting her needs seems to be working and they are having problems should I continue my Plan A supportive role or should I really be doing Plan B to press home what it would be like 100% with him?

I should also add that I will be moving city soon to find a new better job which would be a plane ride away. I know she is tempted to do the same and her friends are saying she is not happy and if I was out of here with a home and job she would follow me.

So what do you guys and gals think?

Continue as I am or should I really be doing Plan B

I should also add as an aside that it is scary how close the Harley's book is to me and I guess a lot of others. The first story, I forget the names mirrors my circumstance so exactly. The emotional attachment with my wife to the OM and now the light of reality creeping in. Scary!

Hello. it is the weekend and a bit slow I am sure you will get some other great advice.

It sounds like you have been in a Plan A and its starting to have some affect. Plan B can be a course of action but it is to protect your love for her not to press her 100 percent. That will be a bi-product of your plan B but its not the reason to go to Plan B. I would suggest continuing Plan A for a set time and prepare yourself for Plan B if she doesn't recommit to the marriage during that time.

The move is fabulous if she will agree to move and go No contact. Could just be the jump start you both need to restart the rest of your lives.
Goodluck and godbless

what about this move
was this something with your wife prior to the affair...

what is your plan with your marriage...
ie
what's more important job vs marriage...

also how long ago was discovery day
how long has your plan A been

ARK

Hi,
No the move is new, I basically tried to start a business which didn't work so I need for me and maybe us to restart my IT career which to do that I need to move.
Marriage is more important, always has been. But the problem is that where I live now it is difficult to get a decent job and make money because of language and regional issues. It is basically not my home country and a poor area.
So to fulfil my potential and to make money I need to move, if I were to stay here and keep chasing her I think it would be unattractive because I would be doing what I did before which is multiple jobs to make a few bucks which was one of our big problems before.
I know that a decent job and career as I had before in a decent company would be attractive to her and deposit units in her love bank.
Discover day was end of September. She broke it off with him, then started again, off then on, off then on, until I caught them together about one month ago and she moved out. Up until then it had been the fairytale affair, now she lives with him the fantasy has gone and reality has set in.
If she is telling the truth which I think she is, it didn't take long at all, just a few days before they started arguing and falling out and that has continued ever since.
After the initial tears, I have really been doing Plan A for a short time of only 2-3 weeks. The first couple of weeks I couldn't do it because I was too emotional.
Now I have some perspective I have been able to talk to her and see her and be supportive and more like a friend, though it is very hard listenting to her complain to me about him!! Ironic huh...
I actually spoke to her tonight, I saw the OM in the supermarket and called her as I knew he was not there and would answer.
I asked her if she was happy and enjoying her weekend. She said you know I am not happy. She said she wanted to go out but hadn't been able to all weekend because of money. So I know she is low. She tells me she has headaches every day, cannot sleep and is getting a lot of acne.
She said she missed me a lot again.

I should also add that her attitude is maybe mellowing or becoming nicer towards me.
I had all the ILYBINILWY lines and the anger when I questioned her etc.
Now I seem to have become the OM in that she is seeing me behind his back now! Although difficult I take that as a good sign because she wants to make time to see me when she doesn't have to, she keeps saying she misses me and actually says to "wait for her". It's like she knows she has this addiction and seeing everything by being with him is the only way to get it out.
Obviously she may not get it out, but her words and actions over the last few days not just to me but to her friends are that she is very unhappy and somewhat scared but for some reason is still sticking it out with him.
I am trying not to have false hope when she has been so deceptive like so many others on these boards but there are signs that the fog is lifting.
What do you guys and gals think?
Specifically, if she is not lying to me about being unhappy and scared of him, which I don't think she is as I can tell now when she is lying and not and her friends have also mentioned how unhappy she is.....WHY is she sticking it out still?

Can you get a job in another country?

Do you have children? How long married?

What country are you in now and which country are you from?

Hi,
I'm British and currently in Japan.
I can obviously return to the UK which would be easier job wise, but emotionally it feels like too far away from her right now and with that distance I think it would be far too hard to reconcile and for me to carry on with Plan A. Even phone calls are difficult due to time zones.
I therefore want to try and return to my career in Tokyo which will be harder to find something suitable but while improving my life it is easier to have some kind of Plan A and easier for her to come to me if she wants to.
Couple of years married, her child from previous relationship.

One question:

Why when she genuinely seems to be unhappy, scared and depressed about him is she still there and not finishing it?
She actually told me she loved him a lot before which was hard to hear but now in the last couple of days she said there's not much left.
So why is she still there?

She is addicted to him.

Right, I see, the fog does seem to be lifting as reality is setting in, does this mean the addiction will fade?

Yes, it is fading fast now as reality is setting in. I will post more later, but if financial support is one of her top EN's, it seems to me that getting a job in another country and inviting her to move with you would be the ideal solution. That would meet her EN and get her far, far away from her addiction, the OM. And that is what it will take to recover your marriage.

spike, is this her first affair? How did her last marriage end? How old is she? How old are you?

yes it is the first, I know I didnt meet some of her needs by working too much.
She was married before and he cheated on her. It devastated her so I was surprised.
she is 36 and I am 33
I think I said before, I have read the book and it seems pretty close affair to the book. I know it will end because he can't meet needs that are very important to her notably with standard of living. She is also finding out that he is very controlling and jealous.

The ONE problem I have that stands out is as I said that she is telling me more and more on daily basis how unhappy she is, how bad he is, how jealous, how stressed she feels and wanting to spend more time with me again and being more loving with me, yet she doesn't finish it yet....

Is her addiction decreasing, it seems that way but I don't want to have false hope.

It does seem to be a good sign with all the negatives above and yet they have only been under the same roof for two weeks!

Well, I agree with Melody. Dr. Harley also suggests moving away if it is possible.

Are the two of them still staying in the apartment that YOU are paying for? It is a mistake to give her money or enable the affair in any way, even money for haircuts. Right now she should be forced to enjoy the fruits of the affair. You are cushioning the effects of the affair. Let him meet (or not meet) ALL of her needs.

Since the relationship you had with her son was a problem, I would start working hard on that by taking the boy places and doing things with him, if she will allow that.

Spike, the affair will crumble much faster now that she is living with him. The fantasy will erode and lovebusting will set in. Did you see my comment about getting a job in another country and arranging to move there with her?

you can not move unless she agrees to go with

moving away will be a nail in the coffin...

you committ to plan A with a set goal time period..
then you move to plan B
then you move

how old is the child
is it a even a safe environment for her
are you seeing the child
will she let you

ark

Hi
Thanks for the responses, I'll try and answer your questions...

I realise that helping her with a haircut etc. is facilitating but I also thought it was PLan A as well as I have always been generous with her and he is not at all. In fact it is the biggest problem I think they have.
I understand the point that by helping her I am facilitating, I can see that, but I can also see that she is seeing what I do for her and what he DOESN'T do for her. Money is one very big EN for her and I know she is regretting that part of me and she left it behind.
I don't give her major money, she is out I don't pay any bills just treats I guess.
So I'm a bit unsure, I know he is doing a lot of love busting now, arguments, control, doesn't like her friends, his friends don't like her, criticising her mothering skills, money....quite a list from the few lovebusters she has told me. So I'm not sure whether I am highlighting my good points when it comes to my generosity or facilitating.

So question is:

Which one is worse, little bit of facilitation and she can see what I do and he doesn't or no facilitation???

I agree with the nail in the coffin, what I think I am going to try and do now is to attempt to get a decent job in Japan in Tokyo which is about 1000 miles from me now. That way I am not moving permanently away until I have something and I can go to her and say look, I have this job and want you to come with me.

Her friends have said to me, that under those circumstances she would almost certainly move as well. Her friends also said that I am still her support now. She knows she has me to "fall back on" and if I am not here or moving to another city her support goes and it maybe the kick she needs, I guess a semi Plan B where she loses that support to experiment with him.

I don't see the child at the moment, I wish I did because then yes I agree I could prove I am good with him. Unfortunately he is at the age where he says everything so if he saw me he would tell the OM and cause a big argument. She is actually a bit scared of the OM she actually admitted that.

I guess I kind of have a plan, I thought about the job thing some more today, does the above paragraph on my plan for work sound good?

What about the facilitation as well? Should I continue as I am or cut off everything?
I do agree that cutting off everything would push more trouble into their relationship but when for instance I paid for lunch on Friday with some wine, she was really happy and then went home to him to where she is feeling unhappy.
Sorry for rambling on facilitation and PLan A just not sure to continue or stop paying for anything..

Thanks for your help.....

Just a PS I can already see that by not lovebusting and following Plan A she is responding. The biggest thing I have found though is that REALITY is the biggest killer to them. If she had stayed with me and sneaked out of the house to be with him it NEVER would have even been in trouble let alone finish.

moving a thousand miles a way as part of plan A does not sound good to me...

it sounds impossible for you to be in plan A....

can you not stay put
do plan A
go to plan B
then move...

otherwise out of sight out of mind....

how old is her son

ARK

Hello spike,

You have my heartfelt sympathy. I know what it is like to endure the insanity of a WW.

It's very long but it might be worth reading mywifeIlove's thread. I don't have time to look it up for you now but a search on that user will find it from his signature. If I recall correctly, the Harley's advised him to go back to Plan A from afar after a period of Plan B.

I don't really feel qualified to advise you because I've had little success with Plan A or B yet.

But you asked for opinion and my $0.02 worth is that you should go get the other job either in Japan or back in the UK and make it clear that you would like her to come with you and under what conditions. The latter is very important indeed. I made the mistake of not being clear in my own mind upon them and didn't enforce those conditions that I was clear on.

Doing this puts a time line on it for you both (assuming your move wouldn't be instantaneous) and if she chooses not to go with you then you can go full scale Plan B. However if you choose that course of action, make sure you are really ready for it. I can tell you from experience that it is a very hard thing to sustain from an emotional point of view even though many here say it should be a relief. Even if she cracks before then and decides to come back, moving away would be an excellent thing to do.

Until you have the job sorted out, I would continue to keep the lines of communication open so that she knows you want to reconcile but I wouldn't give her a dime. Let her live with the consequences of her actions and heap some more pressure on the other relationship.

I also recommend that you avoid discussion of the job with her until your plan of action is crystal clear in your own mind and you are reconciled with any potential outcome.

Good luck to you.

Spike, finding a job a 1000 miles away would be a perfect solution, IMO. Dr. Harley has recommended this solution in a similar situation and in yours, it makes perfect sense to me. One of her top needs is FS, you need a job, and you both need to move away from the OM in order to recover your marriage. She is very addicted to this man, so moving will likely have to take place anyway. It will take time for you to find a job, but in that time you could do your best Plan A, so that by the time you go, she would want to follow.

I don't think you should give her money, though. That is financing the affair. I would cut her off in the nicest way possible, though. Just let her know you love her, but feel like you are not doing her any favors by giving her money. Tell her you would prefer that OM provide, but if she wants to move home and end her affair, you would support her.