Hello, this is my 1st post here.

My story: My wife and I have been together for almost 6 years, married for only 19 months. In the beginning things were great, and I actually always thought they were great. But in October of last year my wife went to see an old friend from high school and ended up sleeping with him. She told me about the affair a few days later. As hurt as I was I wanted to work things out but she was not sure. We spent the rest of the month talking about it. We actually had a lot of great times together that month but she would bring up the topic of seperation a few times and she continued to talk with the other man every night. At the end of October she went to see him again "to think". She came back and announced that she was going to move out in 2 weeks, saying that she needed some time to think. She moved into her parents place. It was very hard to watch her pack her things. Since then she has spent a lot of time with the other man and I have only seen her once. We talk through the week via phone and email, but she would not open up to me, we mostly just talked about things for the sake of talking except once and a while I would see signs from her that she still cared for me. The odd I miss you, or affectionate name, or "we can work this out".

But today, she told me that she wants to give things a shot with the other man.

I am so hurt from the affair, from her separating from me (and talking the two cats), and continuing to see the other man, and now finally choosing him over me.

I know why the affair happened, I did not meet her needs and he did. We have talked about that and she was happy that I finally could see things clearly. I also choose to give it my best to meet her needs.

I think she is confused, after the affair was reveled she would have hope for us, she said that the separation was just temporary, that she would come back, that we were not over. But her actions contradict her words. I did not know what to believe.

I think she still has feelings for me, she said that she has missed me since she left, we can still make each other laugh, she cried during the conversation today, used some of the affectionate terms we used to use for each other.


Here is my problem today....I don't want to give up on her if there is a chance but I don't want to get hurt anymore. She said that she would like to keep talking to me and seeing me while she gives things a chance with the other man. I told her that would be too painful for me and while I do want to keep talking with her that I could not. Since the affair was reveled I did not get angry, or disrespectful, I have never stopped loving her, tried to be there 100% to meet her needs, she had responded to that a bit over the last few weeks. But there was two occasions that I think I committed a love buster so I haven't done a perfect job. The last one was I said that she would have to choose between him and I. I later read on this site that it was a bad idea.

I need some help, She is telling me that she wants to give things a shot with the other man. Should I continue with Plan A which means I will most likely get hurt more. Or should I stick with Plan B and risk losing her completely?

I would gladly stick with Plan A if I thought I could turn her around but I just don't know...

"She said that she would like to keep talking to me and seeing me while she gives things a chance with the other man"

How convenient for her. Have you exposed the affair to her parents?

Have you exposed the affair? Any children? Is the OM married?

I'm not 100% sure on what you mean by exposed the affair. Her parents know. The OM is not married and just ended a relationship when my wife got in touch with him.

We have no children together

By exposed, we mean have her parents been told....the truth? What about close friends and family? Affairs thrive on secrecy so getting it out in the open is ruinous.

Do you also know FOR SURE that the OM is not married? Often, affairees lie about this so it is important to do some detective work on your own.

If her parent do know about her affair, have you spoken to them and what is their reaction to the affair?

Hi Lost_ones,

It sounds like you've been handling this reasonably well so far. Have you ordered and read "Surviving an Affair"---it's available through the bookstore link. It will outline a strategy (Plan A and Plan B). Your lovebuster (having to choose) is relatively minor in the scheme of things. It's good that she's responded somewhat.

The best path, if you can afford it, is to call the Harley's for marriage coaching (888-639-1639). They can help you figure out and execute a plan to deal with this. Seeing that you've been in Plan A for nearly 3 months, and you're in a relatively young marriage without children---I'd probably suggest that you get ready for Plan B.

You say you'd gladly stick with Plan A---well, there are reasons to do so. To correct any serious marital deficiencies, and to exhibit a consistent track record of these new behaviors is a good one. To negotiate the end of the affair is another. But if you're in a holding pattern, she's not at home, and you're starting to hurt---my guess is that Plan B is probably right for you.

How well are her parents supporting you and the marriage. Because you don't have a lot of shared history together---Plan B is a serious risk. But I wouldn't suggest that you do a really long Plan A either, unless you brought major poor marital skills to the marriage and you were working on getting them under control.

Lost,

I think you are operating on a couple of wrong assumptions.

1. Her A is NOT about you not meeting needs. It is about her choice to betray you. She could have spoken to you about things. She could have filed for divorce. She could have been honest with you.

She did none of those things.

2. You assume that she just randomly found old BF again. My bet is that this is NOT true. My bet is that old BF has been in contact with her and she has been carrying a torch for longer than you know.

Meeting her needs makes for a better marriage. But whether or not you met her needs her vows remain intact and frankly she violated because...she wanted to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You seem to be a relatively good job. Listen to the advice you have been given. But, remember these are HER choices, and you were not given a vote in all of this.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for the advise so far everyone.

The affair has been exposed to her parents and mine, but I don't think her friends know. Some of mine do.

I have not talked to her parents since it happened. We were not really close at all. I think that they might even support the OM over me. They are not supporting me or the marriage at all as far as I know.

I don't know how well my marriage skills were. I have a feeling they were not that great. I've done a lot to change them since but she is moved out and wants to invest in her new relationship.