Since almost all spouses return to the marriage, I've been thinking about how to limit the toll the affair takes on the marriage.

My first action would be to protect the family financially.

I didn't, and it now that my ex wants to come back, it is an impossible hurdle. Or one, anyway.

Frank Pittman says that once the affair is discovered, it is just better for the BS to go do something else for a year, and wait till it ends. I think he was being facetious, but there are some benefits.

I spent way too much time after D-Day focusing on my WH and the affair. I wasted a lot of my precious life, waiting and hoping, but in misery. While I know that is important, it is better to continue making the best life possible.

Believer,

I agree with you. I don't know how you handle that damage. The financial impact on me is something that I don't think I can recover from anytime soon. My DD tells me that the A is ending, but my WH has made no attempt to contact me because I think he believes that too much has happened. Of course, he still wants to blame it on me, but the fact is if it weren't for his A, we wouldn't be where we are today.

I don't think that you can just go do something else for a year. The A impacts your whole life. You are forced to focus on it. My WH was running up cc debt, giving OP money (our money and behind my back of course), neglecting our house, business, and family.

Like you, I spent a lot of time focused on it but it throws you into another realm of emotions that you just have to deal with. I don't know how anyone can just go do something else for a year and not deal with the fallout.

So Believer, does that mean you are considering trying to recover with your XH?

to me...the way to limit collateral damage is to do every single thing you can do to end the affair. EVERYTHING. The more there is to get over, the tougher it will be to get over things. Fight like helll with things like exposure etc. And do not enable bad behaviors.

Also, collateral damage would include STD's. Don't ever sleep with a WS until they have ended their affair and have been tested.

Just my 2 cents.

In my case, Slag infected me with HPV16 (the strain that gives you cervical cancer not warts so very nasty indeed) and impossible to detect in a man. The first I knew of it was an abnormal pap smear. Incurable and leaves you vulnerable to cervical cancer your whole life.

I hope that Slag does not have regular pap smears.

Hi Believer
Great that ex wants to come back and good idea to think it through.

In my case WH had spent a fortune on OW#3. I decided to protect the family financially after he decided that he just had to keep sending Slag money for errrmmm 'rent' after he had 'broken off' the relationship. We went to an arbitrator and then had the arbitrated settlement drawn up by lawyers to make the agreement binding if we divorce. So I feel protected.

BUT

- It was expensive although cheaper than it would have been in a divorce because arbitration is cheaper.

- It created a lot of LBs because he was incredibly mean and nasty over it and fought over every last cent even though we have a long marriage where neither had any assets at the start. And it continues to create LBs because the definition of 'separate property' includes not spending marital time administering so that he has to work on his separate assets in secret.

And, he deliberately structured the agreement so that I could not afford to leave him. He did not think this through because all it means is that I have to go out to work so that I have an income if I need to leave. He hates this. More LBs.

So there is some on the one hand and on the other hand stuff here . .