Hello all! I hope I can get some good advice from you all as I am experiencing problems for the first time and never thought I'd ever be int this situation. I just stumbled upon this website by accident a few days ago and was immediately blown away by the content. I immediately ordered several of the books and am anxiously awaiting the delivery of them. This is my first trip to the forum but in reading several entries, I already have renewed confidence simply in knowing how common my situation is and how it CAN be remedied. Here goes:

My loving W (32) and I (34) have lived together for 5-1/2 years and were just married 6 months ago (my 1st/her 2nd). Everything in my mind was absolutely terrific throughout and I was confident of the same feelings from her. Overall, the feeling of Love and Devotion seemed unmatachable and I was convinced that it would solve any problems that may come. We have rarely fought about things, which I know understand has NOT been healthy as our communication has been broken for a long time (although I though otherwise). Reading content on this website has helped me to understand this.

4 weeks ago I was informed by W that things were not good...she was unhappy with things and very concerned. I agreed things had been poor over the last month or two as we were both buried with stresses from work/school/physical problems/etc. Like every other instance I felt this would work itself out and we'd be fine. A few days later I heard comments of "I don't feel comfortable having kids now" (which we have mutually agreed is our next big step...and soon), "I love you but no longer feel IN love w/ you", "I don't trust you", etc.

At this point the red flag went up for me, but I was still 100% blindsided by this. Talk of divorce soon followed, all the time with me asking why?,how?, why so soon after Marriage?, etc.

I finally came to understand all the reasons for her fears, displeasure, trust issues, etc. and became aware that I'd taken some things for granted and not addressed her issues properly in the past....but I didn't know (improper communication). Of course her Love Bank was quickly nearing depletion for a long time. I heard talk of not feeling in love for 1 or 2 years and even that she regrets getting married. All have blown me away.

W has lots of past issues with divorced (later to come out of closet) father, then growing up with addictive step father, poor 1st marriage at 18, poor relationships prior to me. I soon started focusing on these issues and began to "understand" how we got here and what was causing everything.

Only after reading chap. 1 of Dr. Haley's book addressing A's did I realize an A was much of the problem. I had worries about a possible PA with W's co-worker (fellow teacher) as they were very good friends and he is also in the midst of breakup/impnding divorce filing with his W. My W told me there was "nothing going on", "just very good frineds",etc. and I believed her in regard to PA. I never even understood the concept of an EA until this website, but quickly understood that an EA was occurring. I then checked cell phone record to back this up...2500 text messages in 12 days with 90% to OP plus numerous calls, etc. BTW, W and I are currently separated at her request for "time and space" (go figure). Her lack of wanting to talk about our issues or be at home, be around me, have any physical contact, etc. was alarming and confusing until realizing the EA was present. OP was clearly replaicng me in terms of providing EN's.

Finally talked W into 1st couples thereapy appt. yesterday and confronted W with possible EA on the way to appt. Appt. went well and got through to W on past emotional issues she needs to deal with, but W is still reluctant to work on "us". After appt. she told me I was correct in my suggestion of EA (don't know if SHE had realized it up to that point). I asked if she was "in love" with OP and she said YES (ouch). W still insists that she's not in-love w/ me although she loves and cares deeply....more as "friends" though. Also claims that feelings for OP (supposedly greater than she ever had for me, though I can't believe that) have been around for long time and had OP's marriage been ending before our wedding, "we never whould have gotten married". I don't know how much of that is "real" feelings for OP and is true vs. current circumstancial feelings?

Anyway, all cards are on the table. W and I are extremely civil about things, discuss situation, even now fully understand where we are and how each other feels.

I have been working on MY issues since the day problems arose and W has been openly appreciative of the efforts but insists it "doesn't matter" or is "too late".

Good thing is ALL of W's family and friends are on my side. Everyone loves us both and is equally blown away by this situation....they all thought our relationship was incredibly strong (as did I).

W said nobody knows about EA and OPW doesn't know yet either. I have told W's sister who is easily the #1 confidant of W (but W has recently distanced from due to the situation, guilt, etc.). I've also told my family and another of W's friends, but that's it so far.

I can't decide how many people to tell but have read the posts to get ideas (thank you all!).

I'm just not sure of the next step. As noted, the EA is exposed to W and we both acknowledge it. W did accept that she may have to pull back from OP until she gets some personal counseling to deal with "her" past issues....but I'm not convinced she will be able to do that. She is NOT willing to work directly on US yet......only accepting to work on "her" and maybe withdraw from OP a bit.

I hope that working on "her" will show her the way to accepting/continuing work on "us", but who knows.

I want to talk to OP and/or OPW as I know them both fairly well and think they would both be receptive to my feelings...but am worried about the LB possibility. W is very stubborn and due to past is prone to never giving a man a 2nd chance....so I don't want to do anything to drive her away for good.

Any suggestions???? Should I talk to OP/OPW; talk to other key family members (as I know they will be in my corner but could also create huge LB)?

I feel like I'm already well into plan A (without even knowing about plan A&B !) Part of me thinks that in our particular circumstance, if it came to plan B then it will never work b/c wife just would never look back.

I feel like now is the critical time but I understand I can't fix all the problems either and need to step back a bit. Only W will be able to save things if she becomes willing to leave OP and work on US.....but it's difficult to sit back and do nothing.

Thanks in advance for any comments and for taking time to be interested in my situation. I never thought in a million years I'd be in this spot, but am 100% dedicated to saving the marriage and keeping the most important person in my life!

Thank you!!!
ILA

The first thing you need to do is expose it to the other man's wife. That may derail the affair.

I tend to feel the same. OMW actually initiated their breakup (so I understand) but now wants to work on things. In the meantime, OM is ready to file for divorce (probably at the urging of my W!).

So, OMW and I are in the similar place and OM and my W are in the similar place of an EA/wanting divorce/etc...although hopefully in the fog.

I still think that OM might actually tell his W though and maybe I should wait a day or two.

Good thing is that my W claims that OM has actually offered to back off so she and I can work things out....and OM doesn't want PA b/c of his child....don't know if this is all true as it comes from my W....but nonetheless it sounds positive. Part of me feels I can talk directly to OM as I think we respect each other, and given his supposed moral uncertainty, maybe I can talk HIM into backing off. I feel that's a possibility, but am not sure.....once again, I don't want to jump into the middle and create a LB that I can't recover from.

Thanks for the post!

I'd bet the farm that they are in a PA. Not that it would change your approach to saving the marriage, but realize that grownups rarely stop things at PA, especially once they separate from their spouses. In fact, that is usually why they are so eager to separate, to make the PA easier to carry on.

AGG

Tell his wife, and don't warn him or your wife.

You are foolish if you think that the OM does or would respect you. If he did, he would have backed off long ago.

I'm sure you are correct, Believer.....and thanks.

The EA only came up 24 hours ago and I haven't talked to W since....but she will be coming home tomorrow night and staying the night...she even offered it as a time to 'talk'. That is more than she's been willing to do for the last 4 weeks all the problems first started.

I sort of want to see what she says tomorrow first....maybe she will offer to pull back on her own, I don't know. Either way, I know I will have to Expose this to more people including OMW....but I almost want to let her do some if it for me.....if she's willing to. I'm seeing a few signs of promise that a few things might be cutting through the fog so I'm reluctant to get too aggressive just yet.

Did you see A Good Guy's post to you? There may already be a PA. That is why they often want "space", or "time to think".

I did see that and he's right that it still wouldn't change my approach.

I don't discount the possibility of a PA but if so, it's limited to 1 or 2 instances. W just had shoulder surgery and is staying at an aunt/uncles house right now while OMW is staying at his parents' during his separation. W has had lots of friends and family around her often so the "opportunity" hasn't come up too often, but either way I know it is a crucial time right now.

Expose to his wife, and his parents. Also expose to your wife's aunt and uncle. That is the way to end the affair. All the talking and counseling in the world won't help until the affair has ended.

You need to expose to their work also. But I would do the family first.

ILA, have you PERSONALLY spoken to the OMW yourself and told her of the affair? How do you know she knows?

Do you know for sure your W is with her aunt and uncle? And what makes you think she wouldn't contact the OM from there?

I see you have only been married for 6 months? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

6 MONTH marriage...your first..her second. She's already cheating. Bye, Bye.
I know you say you are dedicated to saving your marriage...but I would suggest that before you ever have a child with a known cheater, think about the ramifications.
If you already had kids..or you were married for years, I would give you different advice.
I would get the proof of her affair and send her packing...buy hey, that's just me.

See what she says tomorrow night, exposure is a powerful tool, and you probably will need to use it, but the more information you have before doing so the better. You understand Plan A? You need to identify and begin to meet as many of her primary needs as she will allow you too. Its unfortunate that she's already moved out, but you need to do what you can. NO MORE Lovebusters! If she wants to talk relationship, keep it positive, tell her you still believe in the marriage and have been learning about emotional affairs (do not at this point accuse her of a PA, allow her to think you accept her story for now, although I would be very sceptical of this claim) and think there is a program that would really help both of you find a way to be happy together. STAY positive, do not blow up! Along with those steps you will need to find a way to end the A and not further enable it. This is where exposure will come in. Be thinking of people that will be likely to be supportive of you and possibly influential on your WW. These are the people you will want to tell. This is a workplace A, it is possible you will have to expose to her work.

Realize that the whole "love you not in love with you" stuff and the rewriting of your marital history is just WS babble. Yes, she feels that way right now, but it is a justification for her behavior, she has convinced herself that things were worse than they were in order to feel justfied in her A. Its called "fogginess".

Lastly, you need to ask yourself if you REALLY want to be married, and why. You have not been married very long, and infidelity this early along with her past relationship issues are not a very good sign for the future. You don't have kids, you don't have alot of the ties that many well established marriages have that help hold them together through the devastation of infidelity. I'm not telling you that you shouldn't try to save this, I'm just saying that you are young, and what she has done is NOT going to be easy to recover from.

Sorry you find yourself here. Don't be afraid to ask questions, what you need to do is often counter-intuitive to what you WANT to do.

Thanks Tyk, I feel like those are some great suggestions. I've already continued today in exposing this to some key family members of the W and they are fully in my corner. Even my W acknowledges that every single family member and friend is going to hate her when they find out.....I guess that's good that W knows that. I'm going to try to expose this to her aunt after tomorrow, b/c I'm sure my W is spending all day talking to her aunt already (her aunt is a very strong person who I'm confident will be one of the best people to set her straight....I'm lucky that's who she's staying with). I feel like I really understand the situation and am on the right path, I know it will take time and hard work.

As for being married....yeah, I'm 100% sure I want to be married to my W and understand how hard this will be. She's an absolutely magnificent person and everything I've ever wanted in a spouse, I think she's just going through this for a lot of different reasons beyond her immediate control. I've now got her commited to getting 1 on 1 help with our couples counselor (counselor is VERY good and really got through to W....with just 1 question had her bawling about her father! Instant credibility there with my W). She also accepts that she "may" need to pull back from the OM too......I think these are all steps in the right direction. W can't see any reason to work on US yet, but I understand there's a process to getting her to believe in that.

Thanks for all the kind words (or affectively harsh as they may be!). Much appreciated!

If you want to stay married, I think you should...BUT, I would suggest raising your standards for what a wonderful person is.




I think sleeping with another person was in her immediate control. Do not allow her to shed the blame for her decisions.

Your key exposure target would be the OMW. Maybe their problems just happened after the EA developed. Maybe she has NO clue as to why her H is acting in such a fashion.
Once the cards are on the table, especially with a child involved, this OM will retreat. He doesn't want his W to know anything about his involvement with your W. when you speak to her, caution her about making "knee-jerk" decisions. Let her know that her immediate response if she decides to kick him out is premature. It would be unusual that she would put him out right away, what with a child and all. His immediate response most likely will be to grovel to get his W back. He is living in a fantasy that doesn't include another man raising his child. That hasn't come up in his mind just yet. If you don't expose to her, the A will drive further underground.. Don't let fear of what WW might do, as far as running to him, influence your decison to speak privately to his BS.
WW think that they are the world and all to their MM, in fact they aren't. Shorten the length of your misery and immediately inform his BS. Many men on this site wish they had done so sooner. By the way, Believer nailed it, this little girly man has no respect for you or your WW .

I do plan to expose to the OMW after I speak to my W tomorrow night (I just want to see how she's reacted over the last 48 hours since this A came out into the open). As for the OM, his wife originated the demise of their marriage by saying she wanted a divorce. For awhile they still lived together (supposedly for sake of the child), but I find out now that OMW wants to try to reconcile and OM is the one who wants to file for divorce (I'm sure this is due to OMW and my W's feelings for each other right now). He is no longer living at home either. Thus, I realize this is a critical time and I fully understand that OMW has to know.....I just want to wait 'till tomorrow to see if my W has changed her views in any way that may help me understand the picture more clearly.

Thanks!

Please, please, don't tell WW what you are about to do!!
Very, very important. Forewarned is forearmed! Pullin' for ya buddy. GF

Glad you told me that....b/c I probably would have, know on me!

We talked about it yesterday when the EA came out. I asked if OMW knew and my W said no....nobody else knew. But she said that OMW knew OM was seeing someone else (their marriage is much further gone than mine at this point b/c they are both giving up it seems), only OMW didn't know it was my W...."she will be really pissed about that" was my W's comment. So, since she knew that OMW was going to find out, I guess I figured I might tell her I was going to do it if OM didn't.............I'll heed your advice instead though

Thanks, I appreciate the support.

Yes, please do. And know that ALL waywards lie. I would promise you that OM has not uttered one word to his BS about an affair with anyone. Your WW is doing some damage control, so that you don't turn on the light and let the cockroaches out. As JMWC would say, it's time to "shine 100 million candle power" on this little A. Once you do this, the dynamic will change. More than likely he will tell his BS that your WW was the agressor, and that nothing happened. Be sure to clue your WW in on that once the shock dissipates. And, she will probably be really, really upset...but don't worry, it won't last... GF

It makes sense, to me, that OMW thinks her WH has asked for "space" and is in the dark about what is going on, entirely. I would be very surprised that the info your WW has on them is true. Again, waywards lie, like they breathe. She has the right to know what is going on in her marrriage, and you are her portal for that. She will become a good ally for you. Two sets of eyes. She will help you in the future. Hang in there and trust, if you must, but verify what ww is telling you. Keylogger, check cell phone
bills, put a recorder in her car, become a sleuth. Be sure...GF