OK, ILA ... Tyk beat me to the "wood" ... but you deserved what he sent your way.

We were just discussing, YOU standing up for YOURSELF and YOUR M ... now is not the time to go soft and be a weasel going behind your WW's back.

You didn't do ANYTHING wrong ... your WW did!!!

REMEMBER WHAT LORI SAID ... WW's respect when their BH's stand up for the M and for them. It makes them feel wanted by you being willing to fight for them PUBLICLY, while the OM looks weak because he has to sneak around.

ILA...wowsers...you are getting some Type A, right on the mark help here. I'll chime in a bit, and see if what I suggest makes sense. Your W is having an affair, and she lives completely in the fog, and the only things that make any sense to her are completely wrong. When I first arrived on these forums, waywards were described a lot as aliens, because they behaved as if some stole their brains.

I was coached to try to reach a position of "loving detachment", which makes it easier to do what needs to be done (exposure to the principal), without feeling bad or guilty about it.

As has beens said many times here, affairs are very much like addictions. If your brother was a crack addict, you would love him with all your being, but you would sort out the crap he spews as a result of the drug. Your W is no different, but you are making the mistake of buying in to what she is spewing. Try to reach that level of "loving detachment" is almost critical in doing some of the things necessary to save your marriage. It is critical to the point of letting some of the vile and stupid things she will say just roll off your back.

It is when you take her words to heart that your fears overwhelm your ability to take the necessary steps to stop the affair and give your marriage a chance for recovery.

Please listen to the advice you are receiving, and finish this exposure matter. You marriage cannot survive having another man in the middle of it, but it CAN survive your W's anger! We've seen it here hundreds of times. They go ballistic for a few days, then return to their "abnormal" state, still trying to keep a husband and an affair partner.

Stay well rested, as best you can, and eat well, and keep yourself healthy enough to continue this battle, because it will wear you down.

Stay with it... it will all be worth it!

Gotcha, Tyk.....I just sent an email to the assistant principal asking that he call me so we can set up a meeting. I've pulled the trigger.....very nervous about this step I must admit....but I know you all are right.

My Rev: I understand the concept very well.....the reason my W left me was that "she just wanted to be happy". I've heard that a bunch of times. I have tended to be very lethargic, depressed, etc. much of our relationship....those are just personal issues I have to work on...and want to I might add. I know that is why she fell out of love with me. She wants a happy husband more than all else. That's why I understand now why plan A can be SO effective in my case. This whole scenario has really woken me up in my life and convinced me to take the steps necessary for ME to be a healthier happier person. I'm trying to do it already with PC, joined the gym and got a trainer, etc.,etc.

I've let W know as much as I possibly can how much I care and how hard I'm going to fight for her. Now I just have to put on the happy face, and play nice. That's what will get her back....I know that now. Of course we have to get rid of this other guy too....but I've got tons of people on my side on that.

Guys, I hear what you're saying and believe you. I guess what is hard in my particular case is that my W LOVES her teaching job, was named teacher of the year last year, and would indeed flip out if she found out I went to them. But, maybe that's even more incentive to hit her where it means the most?

Before it was the ILUBINILWU deal....now she claims she's not even sure she loves me or cares about me anymore b/c of "the way I've handled this situation". Part of me can't help but wonder if that is true. She also claims that it wouldn't matter if OM didn't even exist....she still wouldn't want to work on our M. Those words can't help but make me wonder and make me afraid. Plus, all her family and mine too thinks I need to back off....it is confusing!

I'll do my best though, I promise. Trust me, I think about saving my M 24 hours a day and won't quit.

ILA,

Let me share something with you ... I had this same "awakening" that you are experiencing. In my case, it came during my search for answers (much like you're doing now), and I ran across that old "Serenity Prayer" ... you know the one that goes ...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


... and just like you are experiencing, I had "MyRevelation", hence the username.

I finally understood, that all I could do was change things within "MYSELF" and I found the courage to do just that. On the flip side, I also found the "Serenity" to accept the things that I couldn't change. I had a problem with Angry Outbursts, and once I had MyRevelation, they stopped almost immediately, and my WW noticed the change nearly as fast.

You can't change the whole world ... ONLY yourself, but that takes COURAGE. If you do that successfully, AND your WW still has "any" feelings left for you, then you all have a chance, and at this point, isn't that all you are really looking for ... "a chance" to recover?

Plan A question:

Because she's living away from me and spending time with OM instead of me, I really miss seeing her. I want to spend time with her and try to make her happy, have fun together, plan-A the ****** out of her......but I'm not sure the proper way to do that.

If I were to ask her out on a "date" is that a good thing right now? I'm sure she'd decline and likely already has plans with OM....but I figure at least it creates conflict in her mind, right? Is asking my W out on a date right or wrong? I hate having to feel like I'm competing with OM for her time...but I know that's reality.

When her mouth is open, she's spewing fog.

Stop hanging on every word she "spews".

Go about your business, doing what WILL work to stop the affair.

Stop being paralyzed by fear. What if's will get nothing done.

Stay with the forums and get advice from people who have BT/DT and have the tee-shirt. We know what works, because we lived it, for weeks and months...

Your W is an alien, love her from an intelligent, caring, arms-length away...loving detachment.

Have faith...believe all you do will work.

Happy face, strong disposition..."I will do whatever is necessary to save this marriage".

ILA,

Slow down and "THINK" ... haven't you been told that your WW will say everything you just posted???

You "KNOW" that her job is her "soft spot", use that bit of knowledge.

AND FINALLY, neither of your families know what they are talking about ... they have never dealt with this stuff ... these people here have. You've been told that all of this in counter-intuitive, that's why your family doesn't understand what you're doing, but you have the KNOWLEDGE of wayward behavior. It's almost like you will get to the point that you will know how your WW is going to act before she does it, because they ALL act, do and say the same things. In effect, you have the wayward's playbook ... use it to your advantage.

There is a certain calmness to be gained from their predictability.

Understood. Thanks.

Ok to call and ask W on a "date" to try to plan -A better??

ILA,

This is the first time that I have posted to you--I am the FWW of MyRev. I just want to offer a few words of encouragement. First, expose the affair. She will be very upset, but with them working together, that is the only real chance you have to save this marriage---MAKE THE A STOP!! Secondly, Plan A your butt off. When MyRev stopped his AO's and started acted happy, it floored me. I noticed his attitude change immediately (he had told me about how the Serenity Prayer changed his whole outlook) and I responded almost instantaneously. He was happy, and that made ME want to be around him all of the time! I remembered why I had fallen in love with him in the first place. We started going on "dates" (still do once a week at least) and having fun again. With a solid Plan A, you will become a better person for YOU--not just for someone else. Make ILA the best person that he can be, and watch how your entire life will change.

MyRev and I have learned so much from the language of MB--we use it daily (Love Bank, Love Busters, EN's,etc.). Use these principles and keep applying them--they really do work.

Good luck to you! We're rooting for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She'll be more likely to go on a date with you once the A is over.

It won't hurt to ask her, but don't expect her to say yes. Just keep asking, politely, and don't push it.

And yes, all WS's say that ALL of that stuff. Its how they rationalize the decision to have an A. When she says "it has nothing to do with him". Say "oh, that's good, then you won't mind not contacting him again so we can try to work this out, right?" blah blah, on and on, until the A is over. Then, you have a chance. That's why we're telling you, do whatever you can to end the A. Until its over, there's no point in talking to her about the marriage. Until then, you become like the pull string doll. WS: "blah blah" YOU: "I know honey, I believe we can work this out and build a marriage that makes us both happy."

Yeah, Tyk, that's what I figured....I'll keep politely asking but not pushing the issue. I think at some point I need to try to get her back home....even if the A hasn't ended. It will make plan A alot more effective.

FogFree....thanks for the input. Nothing better than feedback from FWW's....it is so valuable b/c it is exactly what I'm seeing from my W.

What a great day....thanks for all the support......everyone!!!

My Rev: Just noticed your post about serenity prayer...I overlooked it at first. I hear you. One big problem my W always had was a former sports gambling addiction I had. This is actually the ONLY thing we ever fought about in 5-1/2 years. Should have fought about other stuff, but we just didn't communicate well enough to do that!

I stopped the gambling on my own about 1-1/2 yrs. ago after getting engaged, but never sought professional help...so W never believed me. Recent behaviors from me were similar to those of an addict...no energy or drive, depression, watching too much sports, etc....and that made her unhappy and she thought I was doing it again. In reality it was all stress driven, unhealthy life style, and her sprialing down with me....but she didn't see that..she only saw the addiction creeping back in. That's the #1 reason I think she gave up.

I've started going to GA meetings to convince her I mean business and to make sure I never do fall back into that. I am fully confident I won't, but getting help can only make me better. I know that made her happy when I told her I went.....but she was still "too little too late" with me. I'll keep working on it though and I'm sure it makes an impact down deep inside of her. I just need to start plan-A'ing better to show her my happiness and success and maybe she'll start to come around.

Thanks for that story....it is inspiring to me.
ILA

ILA,

It is MyRev's recollection from your story that the OM is a HS baseball coach--if this is accurate, then allow me to give you my perspective. MyRev and I are former high school and college athletes--we have been involved with MANY different types of coaches. I can tell you from my PERSONAL small community involvement with high school coaches that they are VERY IMMATURE and CHILDISH in personality-regardless of age. (Please--any HS coaches out there that may be reading this--I am speaking from MY personal experiences!!)
If you will just Plan A your butt off, and show your WW what ORIGINALLY ATTRACTED HER TO YOU, then your M has a much higher possibility of success. Play to those STRENGTHS that attracted her to you, and EXPOSE the weaknesses of the OM's character.

MyRev and I will be off-line for a few days while we enjoy a few days of Recreational Companionship with our English Setter bird dogs over the MLK long weekend. But we will have you in our thoughts and will check up as we can.

GOOD LUCK!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the good thoughts. I'm actually an ex-college baseball player myself....so I understand what you mean...OM's W is also a high school soccer coach!

Here's what SUCKS: I just found out that W and OM are going away to Vegas for the 3 day weekend and there's nothing I can do. I even asked her if that's who she was going with and she told me, although a little reluctantly. She knows it hurts me, but doesn't care right now.

This is going to be a tough, tough weekend thinking about them in a Vegas hotel room all weekend! (that's the same thing we did shortly after we met....but we stayed a whole week....and I know what we did!!!!) This is going to really suck.

At least it gives me a chance to talk to a lot more people while she's gone.

Well off to the gym to meet my trainer....gettin' sexy! I've lost 28 lbs. in 5 weeks....egad! And I wasn't exactly overly fat to begin with!

Thanks for all the help.

Cut her off. If she's going to Vegas, she ain't spending any of your money. That means no joint checking or credit card accounts. They need to be cancelled.

ILA,

I know that you haven't been in plan A very long, but I think it is almost time for you to go to plan B. Give plan A a couple more weeks post-exposure, but she's losing all respect for you by allowing yourself to be her doormat.

Yeah, apparenty OMW talked to OM tonight about our conversation last night....of course it got right back to my W. My W called to tell me to quit talking about her personal past to other people. Unfortunately that set us off on a quasi-argument for about 20 minutes.

Just didn't go well....she told me this is never going to work and I need to move on. She thinks she knows exactly what she's doing and claims she's very "at peace" with her decisions. Just a horrible conversation. She even got to the point that she started mentioning divorce papers and/or annullment for the first time.

This just isn't good. Man it's going to be a bad week. She even said that all I've been doing is just pushing her further away, and just like Lori said....she called me "self righteous". I know I continue to hurt the situation by getting into these little battles, but that's the only time she ever calls is to spar.

Maybe plan A is gone, I don't know? It seems pretty helpless now.

You keep allowing yourself to get caught up in her FOG-SPEAK...

When will you understand that this is what they ALL do and say.

It's right out of the wayward spouse handbook, and is predictable as the sun rising in the east.

Train yourself to STOP responding to her FOG until you learn to reverse babble, or just walk away and stop the conversations.

You are still letting her control you/paralyze you with her words.

Work YOUR plan and let her flap in the breeze.

Do not let her use Marital Assets to spend a weekend in Las Vegas with her affair partner.

Call a lawyer and get your assets in order.

Man, just freaking STOP for a bit. HOLD STILL!

THINK about what you're doing, what you're saying, who you're saying it to.

You are stuck in this cycle of reacting. STOP REACTING.

What your WW says is really for all practical purposes irrelevant. She's going to say whatever she thinks will work to get you to back off so she can engage in her A. She is going to be mean, nasty, sweet, friendly, give hope, take hope away, whatever she can in no sensible manner all with the objective of keeping you at arms length and off balance.

STOP THAT CYCLE! There's no reason to engage in a relationship discussion with someone who is demonstrating that they've checked out of the relationship, is there? Why beat your head against the wall? Why talk with her about how "its over" blah blah blah? Who cares if she thinks its over? When its over, it'll be over. Until then, do what you can to bring about the outcome you want.

Have you talked to the principal yet? I wouldn't wait on a set meeting, get your [censored] up to school, sit down in his office, and tell him WTF is going on! What you aren't getting is that in order for you to have a chance at recoverying the M, NC has to occur. Either her or OM is going to have to stop working there. So regardless of how mad it makes her, or how important her job is to her, this is going to have to happen for your M to have a chance. This isn't YOU doing this. If her job were so important to her, she probably wouldn't be sleeping with a co-worker, right? You delaying this is just allowing more things to happen, things like Vegas trips! Its gonna be hard for two unemployed people to go have a good time in Vegas, isn't it? GET ON IT!

Do whatever you can to protect your assets. Right now, before they go to Vegas would be a very good time to cut off her access to any joint finances!