To answer your questions.....Not good, and No. But believe me, I realize that. I'm just still trying to learn how to do things the right way. I wish I could always react the perfect way and say the perfect words.....but I'm obviously not there yet. Everytime I mention that I'm simply fighting for our M, I either get called a lunatic or I get threatened with D.....but I'll get better and better as this continues. I know I will. Especially with the help from this site.

Congrats on the pups!

Is your wife out of the house still?

Please stick to your one thread...

Gets confusing...

K?

Sorry, I thought a different topic/though might create a separate discussion. My bad.

Yes, W is out of the house, has been since a couple of days after she first said ANYTHING to me about PROBLEMS. She came back for X-Mas eve and one other night but we slept apart and she didn't want to be there (this was even before d-day). She has completely checked out of our M just wants to get on with her life with OM. That's why I see this as the "exit affair" scenario. If she could have moved straight in with him I think she would have (this will likely happen in a month or two when OM inherits his dying grandma's house).

She has NO desire to try anything to work on US.......her whole life is HIM right now. Disgusting!

If you want to do PLAN A, you need to ask her to come back home.

Tell her that you've decided that you want to work on your marriage.

Otherwise, you are ENABLING her continuation of the affair and you are giving her the excuse that YOU threw her out.

Mimi...thanks for getting involved here....I've seen your other posts and greatly respect your views. Awesome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As for plan A.....I've told her many times that I want to work on our M, that nothing in this world means more to me, I've written her the most heart-felt letters possible....but she thinks I'm dilusional and need to "get it through my head that there is NO chance".

I haven't really ASKED her to come back home. Quite frankly I was wondering if that empowers her more?? I think I would have to insist on NC (at least while she was home if nothing else) but she won't even consider that right now i don't think.

I agree, it seems really hard to plan A from afar when the only time she calls me is to get mad about who I've talked to. Really don't know what to do about this.

Again...TYPICAL SCRIPT..Don't listen to HER..this is YOUR PLAN.."Don't let the tail wag the dog"...you get in the driver's seat...



NO..let HER choose to LEAVE. Give HER responsibility for HER OWN bad choices.



You need to read up on PLAN A. Expect contact during PLAN A. You can't INSIST on anything. You can only demonstrate your ability to meet her ENs..IF..you choose to do PLAN A..IF, you want to reconcile your marriage..

Your choice..We support you either way...

Thanks Mimi....I feel like I need her at home too. I guess I forgot about "expecting contact" during plan A....I knew that just spaced out I guess :P

I think I may need to wait another week or two until we can get some better groundwork laid. Right now I know she'd completely reject the offer....she moved out, I didn't throw her out (except the day I told her she needed to pack up and go after I discovered the PA)....but she wasn't living there then, had just come by to get some things. I don't want to ask over and over and keep begging her to come home.

I'll respond to you over here.

Basically, my response is THE SAME.

You have to learn NOT to listen to her. WSes do the same BLAH..BLAH..FOG TALK..

Not saying the same will happen for you..my disclaimer..but MY HUSBAND said the EXACT SAME STUFF..but now is definitely in love with me..

Read over what I have said..

The Wayward DOES NOT want YOUR PLAN A to work..

The Wayward wants you TO GIVE UP...

Just think how easy it makes the process for the wayward: "I'm not bad, he didn't want me anyways"...

SAY OUT LOUD: "I want to work on OUR MARRIAGE"..making it distinct that you do not want to be HER FRIEND...

Gotcha Mimi....I'll try to keep reinforcing that, even if she doesn't want to listen to it. Last time I said it (last Thur. night) she threatened D papers for the first time. It almost seems like everytime I'm really stubborn about not giving in....she feels the need to threaten me or "sit me down for the break up speach"....like I'm a little kid or something....just to get me to back off.

Funny, I've started sending out thank you cards from our wedding 6 mo. ago (something else I got blamed for not doing yet, although it's both of our responsibility!). I figured it would be a nice plan-A step as well as making her feel a little more guilt that all of her family and friends would be reading her sincere "thank you's for such a PERFECT day" (her words). I emailed one of WW's co-workers today just to get her address for the card. She just emailed me back and asked how I was doing. I don't think she has a clue yet, so I just told her that "I was feeling pretty horrible honestly, but trying to keep my chin up and faith strong in the light of things." I'm sure this lady will confront WW on what the heck is going on....she's a bulldog...and WW can't get mad at me for saying anything, b/c I didn't tell her a word about our situation. I hope the pressure at her work is coming hot and heavy today!!!!

You are making me want to be MY head against a wall ILA!

Repeat after me, out loud:

"I DO NOT CARE IF MY WIFE IS MAD ABOUT ME EXPOSING THE TRUTH!"

Say that, probably about 10 times now, then about 10 times per hour until it sinks in. In the mean time, email your friend back and tell her what's going on so your WW can't spin it when she goes to ask her what's wrong!

Damn....I knew that as soon as I said it/did it! See, I'm still learning.....stupid rookies!

Ok, Tyk, I emailed WW's coworker back and told her the whole story. I even told her I don't care if WW knows, it's up to her whether she wants to tell her, but I do hope she confronts WW about it. I said all that really matters is saving my M.

Better? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for the reminder!!!

NEED BIG TIME HELP!!!

W called tonight and wanted to talk. She was extremely upset about my going to her principal. Principal didn't want to be involved whatsoever. He went straight to her today to tell her that I came to his house to confront him on the situation. He's a total schmuck. Principal thought I posed a threat to the school!!! Supposedly I'm not allowed on the campus now! I hear that everyone at the school now thinks I'm psychotic and W said she was going to get a restraining order on me until a close friend talked her out of it. She claims OM and even OMW (who wanted me to go to the principal!) are even seeking a restraining order against me! Man, that's exactly what I was worried about. This exposure at her school is blowing up in my face. I've been made out to be the bad guy....they are ALL going to support WW instead.

WW was adamant about filing for D now. She said she can't even think about being a friend now (I guess the cake doesn't taste so good?)...and can't believe how "I've handled this situation" I tried my best to rev. babble, downplay the D talk.....but she wasn't having it. W said she fully understood that I was fighting for our marriage and doing what I thought was right, but she was concerned that I was taking advice from "people who don't know anything about our situation". I don't know how many times I heard her tell me that I was dilusional and psychotic tonight....problem is that now she's trying to convince her family that WERE in my corner the same, because none of them thought I should go to the principal either! Now even they are wondering about me!

She said she wants to come over this weekend and start discussing how we need to break up our finances. She said we need to discuss the D or else she will go ahead and serve me papers instead. She said that's the "only way she can get me to understand that we are done...to go ahead and make it happen immediately". She claims she is flat out "scared" by my actions and is worried about what else I might do.

How the ****** can she get away with paiting me as the bad guy???? I told her that I haven't done one single thing wrong....this is ALL her decisions and her wrong doing. All I've been trying to do is save our marriage. She doesn't care though....said I have to stop it and move on. We will "never be together....ever! Especially not now".

Wow, I don't know what to do now. I obviously need to start seeking legal options immediately.

Help!!!!

You know how you can tell when a WW is lying?

Her lips are moving.

Call the principal and find out the real story from him. Reiterate that you are only interested in saving your M, and ask him what he intends to do about the situation.

ILA, your WW HAS to paint you as the bad guy, do you not understand this? She needs to find a scapegoat for HER bad choices, and her BS is the best candidate. This is straight out of the WS Handbook! And yes, OF COURSE she is upset. This is EXPECTED. What would have really been bad news for your M is if she was NOT upset at her A being exposed!

Weren't you told that she would flip out as a result of exposure?

Call the principal and find out the truth. Ask him what he plans on doing about that fact that two employees with daily access and contact with the community's children are engaged in an adulterous relationship with each other and you have documented proof that he has been aware of this since last week.

Tell him that your WW told you that he was threatening you with legal action and that you don't appreciate it. Ask him if he thinks a letter to the shool board and state dept. of education would be helpful in clearing this mess up since he seems unwilling to enforce even a basic standard of conduct in his employees. Back this guy into a corner and keep him there! The last thing this principal wants to do is lose his job because of your WW and OM! He's not going to know what to do, but you can bet your [censored] he's going to want the problem to go away!

Last: don't believe anything your WW says. She knows you are weak and will back down and question yourself in the face of aggression. As far as divorce: simply refuse to talk about it. Tell her all divorce material will simply have to be taken care of by your attorney.

Also, regardless of her facade, she's upset about exposure because it is working! I would bet you anything that the meeting with the principal went NOTHING like she said, and when you call him and get on him a bit about it I think you'll discover that. So start slow on him, give him a chance to refute your WW's side of the story before you threaten to go over his head and public with the story.

I don't know Tyk. I think the meeting with the principal probably went exactly like she said. When I went to see principal at his house on Sunday, he wanted NOTHING to do with me being there. I tried to start telling him some things and he tried to cut me off. I told him I had a letter explaining things and tried to hand it to him and he didn't want to take it....finally did, but tossed it on his table as if it was going to never be opened.

WW said she went to principal yesterday and principal immediately told her that I came to his house and he was very distrubed by that. WW said principal told her he had not read the letter and offered to give it to her instead. He said he wanted to know nothing of personal relationships of his employees. I flat out believe all of this.

I know that there is NO policy on this type of stuff in this school. I can't prove that it is in any way affecting their job or their teaching, thus the principal doesn't want any involvement. I believe what my WW said simply b/c that's exactly what I saw from him too.

Trust me, if I go back to principal, I WILL have a restraining order filed.....there is no doubt in my mind that she meant business by that. This school exposure is doing NO GOOD, I'm telling you.....they are all banded together and will only believe my WW. The more I attack, the more convinced they ALL are that I'm psychotic.

All I'm doing is building deeper and deeper resentment from my WW. How is this ever going to facilitate reconciliation? I can't even do a plan A b/c of all of this continued hatred! Forgive me, but I don't understand how this helps??

Then just give up and file for D ... at least you'll be doing SOMETHING ... and not just sitting there "taking" having your face rubbed in her A, along with all of the further humiliation that goes along with it.

If effect, you "gave up" a long time ago and just accepted your lot in all of this.

You only went along with exposure and other advice because we pushed you to try to do the right things, but your heart was never in the efforts and the results show it.

When you're not willing the play the hand you've been dealt, the only thing left to do is "FOLD".

I know about school systems. You probably are right about the Principal. He could be having an affair himself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



MAN UP, though and DON'T WORRY about what THESE PEOPLE think. Sounds like your WW can be VERY CHARMING..YUCK...



BULL CRAP..MAN UP and get the upper hand. YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT! SHE IS IN THE WRONG! Maintain your calm assertiveness. Tell her to feel free to go ahead if she needs to do that, that you do not want a divorce. In fact, tell her that you want her to come back home to you where she belongs.



My H told me almost the EXACT SAME CRAP..word for word..and look at us now..

She wants you to be FRIENDLY and ACCEPTING and to go along with this...DO NOT..

She will gain the UTMOST RESPECT for you if you do not back down in the face of her EVILNESS...



YES, you do know what to do..STAND TALL..CHEST OUT...

SHE IS LYING ILA!
DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT COMES FROM HER. SHE IS AN UNRELIABLE SOURCE FOR ANY INFORMATION.

SHE WANTS YOU TO BACK DOWN, AND WILL SAY ANYTHING TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

PLEASE LISTEN TO TYK...