LOL... we haven't! Fortunately with the state of the economy right now and the fact that we're not the only ones... landlords and surprisingly other creditors tend to overlook the foreclosure (we just bought a car with no problem). We haven't attempted to buy another home, I don't know that we will since we both really want to travel alot when we retire. We're thinking RV... and then to the nursing home (or one of our four children's homes) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Well, sorry to hear the state it put you in...but you seem to be coping pretty well. I have heard of alot of options that the government is pushing for....just to help out all the people affected by the economy and bad mortgages.

I'm sure I can do something to protect my credit and get through it pretty cleanly, especially in this volatile economy, like you say.

I don't want WW to think it will be that clean and easy though....if I can get her to sweat it out and keep paying on the mortgage with me, that's the best thing. Plus, it makes it that much easier for her to come back to me down the road if that should ever happen....we'd still have everything tangible that we've been working for over the last 5 years together. The stability part would still be there!

Ok, got consultation this PM with a lawyer and another one on Monday with a different lawyer. Trying to figure out the tax return and debt situation before WW insists on sitting down and discussing any of it.

Some thoughts sort of came to me last night about this whole timeline.

I really think that this EA has been going on for a long time...maybe even a year or longer. I think WW has had feelings for OM for 1-2 years and visa versa. WW told me that the day I exposed her EA (although she was still lying about PA that day).

I remember something my mother told me recently about a comment my W made at her bridal shower. Something about "He's got 6 months to straighten up". Mom didn't think much of it at the time, but still sounded odd to her. That was less than 6 mths. before our wedding so she didn't mean I needed to "straighten up" before the wedding.

The day I discovered the PA and asked "how long have you been f*#king OM"...she without hesitation said "about 2 weeks". That D-Day was 1/8/08....2 weeks earlier was X-Mas....I'm pretty sure they'd slept together right before X-Mas based on her body language and what she's said. Logically I'd say it was probably the weekend before X-Mas. That Sat. was 12/22..........our wedding was 6/22......you do the math.

If she really decided to start her PA on our 6 mo. anniversary....that really kills me. I don't know for sure, but it sure adds up.

It's starting to sound to me like WW knew for a year or two that she wanted to hook up with OM. She was engaged/married while he was married too, so I think they kept putting off. It was like their "forbidden love".....but it was obviously in both of their minds for a long time.

WW tells me she was trying to give our M a chance and trying not to quit....but finally gave up b/c "I stopped trying". It sort of makes sense that she WAS giving it at least a half-assed effort....that she didn't WANT to end it and run off.....but if she had these feelings for 1-2 years then she was NEVER giving it a real chance. There's no way it was going to make it as long as she was in an EA....sooner or later I was going to do something to make her give up (nobody can be perfect). I think she was sabotaging our R/M all along. Maybe not intentionally, but it didn't have a chance.

What kills me is that WW went through with expensive M, making friends/family spend money, buy gifts, travel...we bought a house...even "weren't actively preventing" getting pregnant in the last couple months. To go through all of that when you knew you had feelings for somebody else and you might end things in 6 months......wow, I will just never understand that thinking!!

And she has the nerve to say her and OM is in NO WAY related to OUR issues.......yeah, sure thing!

Well, maybe I'm just telling you to make lemonade out of lemons, but consider yourself VERY lucky that she did not get pregnant and bring a child into this nightmare. It makes the pain and complication an order of magnitude worse...Not that I am trying to diminish your pain, of course.

Still, given the short marriage, no kids, and her past history, I'd get my ducks in a row, get divorced, move on, heal, and look for someone more worthy of your time/efforts/love.

AGG

AGG, I hear what you're telling me. And yes, I fully understand that kids would make things so much worse. I must admit, I've had the thought cross my mind "what if we did get pregnant....maybe this wouldn't have happened". I thought women trapped men by getting pregnant, no the other way around!!! Well, I know that's stupid thinking anyway....this was GOING to happen sooner or later. It is a blessing that it happened this soon (although before a marriage would have been much better!!).

I AM starting to get lined up to protect myself. I see what's likely ahead of me.....it sucks, but it's the truth.

As far as moving on......we'll I can't say I'm emotionally there yet....as you all know that will take a long while. I still hold out hope through all of this for some crazy reason.

But, thanks for the thoughts.

ILA:

I live in So Cal, 2. Housing is outrageous here.

Consider going 2 a mediator 2gether.

My W said a lot of the same things about not wanting 2 go 2 a lawyer and just splitting things up 5050, at a point when I'd discovered she broke NC behind my back a few years ago.

I called her "bluff" and made an appointment for a mediator. She tried 2 talk me out of it by offering a fake olive branch of some kind, but I made us go.

The consultation cost me 350 bucks, but it was worth it for her 2 hear just how fast this could go, and how cleanly things would get split. (and how jake I was with that).

Mediation would cost us 5K, partly because of the complexity of our si2ation. Probably much less for a case like yours.

Lawyers would have cost us about 30-50K, again because of our si2ation. Yours less, accordingly, but not cheap.

I think the whole experience was rather sobering for my W, and initiated real recovery - though it 2k a while since her A was for so long.

In your case, the simplest outcome would still likely be getting the M over, getting the house sold - at a loss 2 both of you if necessary - and moving forward with this hard lesson under your belt.

M recovery might ac2ally be a lot harder for you. But you will find support here if that's what you want.

best,
-ol' 2long

2long, glad you mentioned that.

I've looked into mediator and figured that IS the route we'd take. I'm not necessarily going to just divy things up on our own. If it comes to it, I'm going to make her go through some of this legally.

I pretty much know we can't afford full blown attorneys. I'm trying to get some consultation knowledge out of them and probably retain one for side help. Retainer is a lot, but she'll refund anything unused and has lots of pull in the O.C. courts from what I understand. Probably worth it just as a backup.

Other than initially figuring out my rights and where my negotiating power stands.....mediation will be the answer for us.

I've read that the whole process can sometimes wake up the WS too.....but I'm not going to count on it. It's a least 8 months until anything can be finaled.....I'm not going to hang on just for the sake of hanging on, but nothing has to happen immediately either....there's still some time.

Thanks for the input.

Well, I haven't seen much change the last few days (which of course I don't expect), but WW and I have talked very civilly and in pretty good spirits on a couple of brief occassions so I guess that's good.

We have tax appt. Wed. and I just got done talking to her about that. She has pretty much the same ideas about the tax return as I do...so that's positive. She even mentioned putting money aside to keep for NEXT year's taxes on our house. I took that as a positive b/c all along she's been pushing to dump the house soon. But, I don't want to put any stock in what SHE's saying right now, either so don't want to get excited about that! We also talked about getting together next weekend to go through our finances. Before she was pushing to separate everything but in the last week she's talked more like "I just want to know our situation"...b/c I pay all the bills, she doesn't have a good grasp on our finances. I think she knows she can't hack it on her own right now....even though she's living rent and utilities free at her Aunt's house. As long as she's paying on our mortgage she can't really get by on her own very well. OM is also a teacher so doesn't make a ton of money either....he's living w/ his parents right now and from what I hear is paying rent on the condo his BW is staying in....but only through March. Anyway, WW still talks about separating things, but isnt' pushing as hard or threatening like she was. Part of me wants to force the issue and make her take care of herself and be tight on money.....but the other half of me knows the harder I push that, the more inclined she will be to force the issue on our house so she can get out from under her mortgage payment. Oh, what to do :P

One thing it seems is that she's not spending every waking moment with OM recently (although hard to tell). They had a school formal that WW chapparoned (sp?) on Sat....I joked about her only going b/c this year she had a date (just sort of slipped out)....but WW didn't get upset. She responded that she didn't have a date actually....she was going by herself and hanging out with other teacher friends. Today they are both off work for a school holiday so I thought for sure they'd be spending the day together, but she's spending the day with her sisters instead and not OM. I wonder if she's teetering a little???? Well, time will tell.

Anyway, after Wed. tax appt. I'm going to see if she'll go out to dinner at one of our favorite places (right by tax office so convenient). It's also day before Valentines-Day so I figure I'll present her with something simple.... a flower and maybe a sentimental picture of us, tell her I love her, and leave it at that. Try to avoid R talk, but show her I care. Hopefully it will be a good plan A day...we'll see.

Is this too much? Any other time that I do anything or say anything that shows her I still care....it drives her into hiding. But, I sense over the last week that maybe she's a little more open to it and won't be put off by my efforts....it is V-Day afterall....just ignoring it would be essentially a LB'er wouldn't it???

Great Idea ... maybe she'll even reciprocate and give you back a couple of "items" for Valentine's Day that you could use to muster up the courage to quit being her doormat.

If it's working, don't change it.

If your showing her you still care drives her into hiding, then why are you considering that now?

If she appears to be a little more open to you, it is because you're backing off is is having some affect

So why would you change that now?

I disgree on your ambivalence regarding the money situation as well.

There is a way to Plan A and still not go along with the affair, and mostly it is by doing what you need to do to NOT help fund the affair, or appease the wayward.

Think presentation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

ILA:

Regarding the house...

You know that it's just a building, right?

If you have 2 sell it because her lifestyle is making it impossible 2 keep it, don't you think that will send a strong message 2 her?

-ol' 2long

Well, I thought I'd check back in today. I've been stepping back for a few days to let my head clear a bit. I realized I was obsessing too much about getting advice from MB and was spending too much time on here instead of doing other things I needed to do (work, personal, etc.). I think I was starting to fog up my own head a bit.

Anyway, for the record, here's some updates.

I feel like I'm fully engulfed in plan A still. The past week has presented some opportunites to see WW and communicate some....and all discussions have been very civil, relaxed, and free of LB's.

Wed. we had a tax appointment so I met WW there. We filed jointly b/c it got us an extra $2k back. Filing separate would have gotten ME more money than her but we've been married for 6 mo. so half of the separate returns would have become community split anyway. I made her aware of my rights to file separate and have more of the money (although it wouldn't be a very big difference in the end). She countered that she would get a lesser return b/c her witholdings are lower and we've been using more of her paycheck monthly....which is true. Anyway, we both made our points and then decided to split money 50/50. I feel it's fair, so does she so no "fights" there.

Anyway, after tax appt. I convinced her to go to dinner at our favorite pizza place. She was a little reluctant but said yes. We kept convo. light and happy for a while over dinner, but eventually we got into R talk a bit. Neither of us forced it on the other....just sort of mutually eased into it and talked poiniently about some things.

She has now shifted focus a little more on her feelings (I got the "it's not you it's me speech....I invented that speech" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) Well, that was sort of it anyway. WW said she realized that she got married for the wrong reasons, she just hadn't felt right or been truly happy for quite some time, almost felt "forced" into the wedding b/c we'd come so far already and she didn't want to just give up b/c she thought maybe things would get better after we were married, etc. The biggest one was "in the 5+ years we've been together I've never had the feeling that I couldn't live without you. I always thought that if something happened and you left tomorrow, that I'd be ok with that and be able to move on. I just haven't had the proper level of devotion". That one hurt to hear and I quickly refuted it saying I simply couldn't believe that statement. I told her that was very troubling to hear her say b/c I've seen tons of examples of just the opposite and if she really, truly feels that way then I guess I never have known the person my W is the way I thought I did. That statement actually seemed to stop her in her tracks a bit.

But, the R talk was seemingly "good" if that is possible in plan A. I managed to work in Plan-A type stuff too. We talked about our personal counseling we are both doing, how we are both learning about ourselves and what we are looking for in life. I was able to discuss the steps I was taking to better myself. I can tell she always likes to hear that stuff and she asks me about going to the gym,etc. quite often. I think in her mind it makes her feel better that she isn't "ruining my life" and I'll be ok after this. But, deep down I think it still registers as something she can return to (though she wouldn't allow herself to see it that way right now).

After dinner I asked her to come to my truck b/c I had something for her. She said "uh oh, do I really want it?". We joked and laughed and I told her I was obviously not going to get to spend v-day with her so I wanted to give her something still. When she saw flowers in my truck she stepped back and asked "why are you doing this?", "this isn't helping things"...stuff like that. I looked her in the eyes and told her that I still care about her and it's v-day and I just felt like doing something to make you happy. I said, once you truly love someone I don't know if that ever fully goes away. I hope you understand that and can simply accept this gift and appreciate it for what it is. I got her some gerber daisies (her favorite flowers), MADE a photo calendar for her with some of my favorite pictures of us on each month, and MADE her a v-day card (colored with crayons). I know for a fact this stuff gets to her. She never wants things bought for her....if you show effort and put time and thought into something...that's what counts. The night before I'd even run across some things I'd made in the past which she had filed away and kept. Things like this strike a chord in her. I actually started to get a bit emotional during this and couldn't hold back a tear or two. She finally came and gave me a hug and said "I don't want to see you hurting". She reluctantly took the gifts and we left.

I had a softball game later that night but when I got done I had a VM from her. She was almost asleep as I could tell by her voice. She said "just wanted to say thank you for the flowers and gifts...it was very sweet. I appreciate the kind gesture. It was probably misdirected and wasted on me, but I do appreciate the thought. Hopefully this helps you to feel better, I don't want to hurt you...but I just don't know an easier way to do this" So, even her message was conflicting.....but at least it made her think. She isn't heartless, she still cares, she feels a lot of guilt......but she won't allow herself to consider looking back. I can only think that this is simply due to the A.

There are contributing factors to our case, things that have caused this to happen. Some are my faults, some are hers, many are her psychological problems that push her in this direction.....but without the A I don't think we'd be here. This is something she vehemently denies. "My relationship with OM has nothing to do with us. If he didn't exist, we still wouldn't be together and we still wouldn't be working things out. I finally got to a point where I just fell out of love and checked out emotionally. Once I got up the courage to leave, there's no going back. There's no way I can ever fall in love with you again"

You hear that over and over and over (and this is what she tells all her family and frineds too) and you can't help but start to believe it. You start to ask yourself if the A is a side note. WW firmly believes this is the case. She is resolute and unwaivering in that belief so it's very convincing. But, deep down I know differently.....and that's what keeps me going. Without the A, I still think we have a real good chance. When I hear statements like what she said at dinner about "if I was gone tomorrow she'd be ok and be able to move on".....that is such B.S....I can think of specific examples in the past of her faced with the thought of losing me (never me leaving, but her LOSING me) and she's been an emotional wreck. So when I hear those statments, it proves to me that she has repressed every emotion for me and she truly is foggy and A driven.

I can even hear it in her voice. It's almost like she has to continually convince herself that we are through and her feelings are gone. She tells everyone over and over, tells me over and over. It seems like she doesn't want to think of the prospect of any of those feelings surfacing and her having to deal with them. She claims she's calm and at peace with everything, and appears to be on the outside. Even the outermost part of her soul is probably at ease. But I feel like she's driven her feelings for us so deep down and repressed them so much (which is her defense mechanism and M.O. in the past), that in the depths of her soul I know there is great turmoil and chaos.

That's what I hope we can unearth someday. Whether it's little hints, little notes, little "I love you's", plan A stuff, family pressure (although I can see it dwindling), or her own personal counseling and spiritual awakening.......whatever it may be I know she will have to someday deal with those deepest emotions and will have to re-visit US. I assume that is after the A.

In finishing up, yesterday WW came home to go through finances. It was actually some more plan A time for me. Conveniently I was working in the back yard when she showed up, shirt off with a good sweat going! She finally got to see the results of my working out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Then I made sure to make her wait while I took a shower. The last few times we've seen each other she's commented on how "good I look". Yesterday she didn't comment.....I took that as the fact that it "got her going a little bit". Anyway, we had a really good hour together. We decided to split our debts, etc. and transfer everything into our own names. We will start paying our own bills and contribute money to our joint account to handle shared expenses (mortgage,etc). That all went very well. We both feel like it was very fair and a win-win negotiation. I think she knows she won't have tons of money on her own. WW also had breakfast with her best frined who is also our realator. Friend convinced her to hold on to the house for at least 6 mo. as she feels the market will hit it's low point by then and start to recover (i can't say I agree, but hey, whatever convinces WW). So, WW is going to keep paying mortgage for at least 6 mo.....so nothing has to happen w/ house for a while....that's HUGE news. All in all, very good plan A day. Open, friendly discussion...some laughs, etc. Even some fair negotiating on our finances....some working together without LB's.

Downside of all of this is that the A is not going away ANYTIME soon. By continuing to pay mortgage WW will not be able to afford apartment. She won't keep living w/ her Aunt either....she told me she was tired of "living with parental figures". OM's grandmother died this week and he gets to move into GM's house. It's rent free and paid off. I'd asked WW about this before and she danced around the issue...saying she had told OM she wanted her own place. But, it's become apparent that she had plans all along to move in with OM. I finally told her yesterday that she should just tell me the truth. She finally said that yes, she planned on eventually moving in with him. This will likely be within the next month, although I'm sure she is now spending all her time there anyway.

Obviously this sucks, to know that your W is moving in with another man. I've tried to stop the A and I can't. They work together, they are going to live together. That's just facts. WW is done with our M right now (although we haven't yet filed for D) and is living her life with OM instead. She'd made up her mind on this 2 months ago before she ever said a word to me. I've exposed, I've pushed, I've tried everything....but her mind was made up before this even started.....and that's just what my WW does, this is her pattern. So, the only positive side I can take from this is that the faster they get on with real life, the faster it will come tumbling down. They may find true happiness and spend the rest of their lives together, who knows...maybe it's more than an A. But, if it's typical A, this is just going to speed up the process I guess.

Maybe it's better to have her just get it over with than stringing the A along in secret or on the side. Maybe this is a quicker means to an end and a faster wake up call to WW. "If you love something, let it go...if it comes back, then you know." I think this is about the only choice I have right now.

I'm considering trying to ride out plan A a little longer. I feel like I've done a pretty good job of it recently. I've repaired the bitterness, the hatred, the fighting, and the LB's that came as a result of exposure and from my sheer inability to comprehend just what the f*#k was going on. We now are friendly, communicating and open.

But, I'm thinking that as soon as she decides to move in with OM.....that might be the basis for plan B. It's also not a bad reason to send a PBL. This seems to fit in the timeline about right anyway.

So, sorry for the novel......this is more of a log for me than anything. If anyone has any comments, thoughts, or suggestions.....please fling them my way. Thanks MB'ers.

ILA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well JJ, I sort of went against your advice a bit. You'll see in my last post that I did make her a card/gift and got some flowers for v-day.

WW was a little taken back at the time and later told her sister that it kind of "wierded her out" a bit. But, WW did leave me the nice voice mail thanking me and saying she appreciated it. I also hung out with SIL all day Monday and talked about a lot of stuff. I guess SIL told WW that I just did the v-day stuff b/c I love her, care about her, and simply felt like doing something nice for her (exact same thing I told WW). She told WW to quit being a b*tch and just accept it for the nice gesture that it was. SIL is so cool! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Whereas before, WW would have been really put off by something like the v-day thing....it seems it's not pushing her away anymore. It's still uncomfortable for her and she claims to "not understand why I'm doing it"....but it seems she's starting to accept my efforts....I can't help but believe that is a positive step. At least it's positive in plan A terms.

SIL thinks I really need to pull back now and give her a lot of space. Some of that is probably at the request of my WW and just being funneled through SIL though, too.

But, I'm starting to feel she's right. And, I almost feel myself gaining the loving detachment a little more each day. I still can't bring myself to even have to think about hitting the awful "singles scene" again....I think that will be a long time from now....and if I'm serious about my M I don't think that should even be a thought yet anyway, right?

Anyway, I guess my question is.....is plan A time about over? If WW moves in with OM (which will probably happen very soon)....should that be plan B time?? I've got WW back on pretty good terms and I sense she even feels a little remorse finally. I'm starting to feel that detachment a little bit (I repeat...a LITTLE bit!) Does that spell plan B??

Hey 2long, if you're out there:


Just wanted to let you know I've gotten this book and started reading it....it's been very helpful to me. Just wanted to say a big thank you!! I'm much like you in terms of religion, but I immediately had this book sort of hit me in a fashion that kind of woke me up a bit.

I've been a relatively unhappy person for the last 12 years or so and I'm convinced so much of it has been how much my mind controls my every day. I live out of the past and for the future and NEVER have been able to enjoy today. This book is helping me to understand that and make some changes. I must say, that is probably the thing that WW disliked the most about me too.....my unhappiness and pessimistic outlook on many things.

I slipped in the fact recently that I was working on myself spiritually and she seems very happy about that. She's doing the same in her own way and is having good results too she claims. Whether this is a step to recovery, who knows. But, at least we are working on ourselves as individuals.

I'm still trying to gather some intel. on relationship w/ OM. Can't really get a good handle on it over the last 2 weeks. Something seems a little awkward and I feel maybe they are starting to "think" about things more.......but that might just be me "wanting to believe that's the case". I can't say for sure.

WW and I are very open right now and can communicate well about things.....but we just don't talk that much. She's not upset nor withdrawn as much. That's either some good plan A work or else she's convinced I've "come around" and started to accept her A.....really not sure which is driving things. But, I've given WW more space in the last 2 weeks. Only spoke to her for about 3 or 4 minutes over the last 10 days.

Is it ok to keep moving along with plan A like this? I'm trying to work on ME and not focus on HER so much....and giving her a lot of space.....but is she getting TOO comfortable like this?

I've read that you go to Plan B when you start to feel your love fading....that's how you know. Is there such a thing as going to plan B based on the situation at hand instead of how I feel???

I feel fairly comfortable where we are right now, except the obvious idea that the A continues....which is very painful. But, I almost feel like this is too comfortable for me AND her....almost like I'm giving in to the situation and saying "ok, I accept you being with OM". She doesn't seem to be in any hurry to call or contact me....seems like she's happy about being left alone. Do I need to make more of a statement or will that be counterproductive at this point?

Should I float along having things on "good" terms right now and just give the A time to peter out a bit.......or do I need to drop a bomb on her and show her things are not acceptable? Little confused right now!

Hi ILA,

I'm not 2long, but I was am very happy to see you are taking 2long's advice with the spiritual focus and individual growth.

Living in the now is perhaps the greatest personal accomplishment towards inner happiness and peace that one can make. So I was just thrilled to read your post this morning. Wasn't even going to post today, but seeing where you have decided to take yourself on your journey through this painful sitch has spurred me to sign on.

Now with that said, Plan B is a protection plan. It's purpose is to remove you from the chaos and pain of your spouse's affair and help to prepare you for divorce, with an outline of actions the WS needs to take should they decide to return to the marriage.

It is not and usually won't work as a manipulation tool.

The best you can do in your own sitch ILA, is to make your statement by practicing self-respect, by protecting your finances, protecting your heart from further damage, AND working on those things that have contributed to you being a less than great M partner in the past.

I think that as long as you can continue in the way you are right now, if you become your own main focus and not her...to keep doing what you are doing.

You feel what you are doing is having some effect on her, it is makin communication easier and somewhat open between the two of you.

So when what you are doing is having a desireable effect, if it is leading you closer to your goal, you continue it...you don't drop a bomb on it. That's not what makes success.

Too soon for Plan B in my opinion. But it is not too soon to protect yourself financially so I really hope you have taken steps regarding this. This is important and this is a big part of regaining self-respect.

Thanks for the insight JJ. I have already learned a lot from that book and I'm only getting stated. I know that's the important route to follow through this tough time. But, I admit, it comes and goes. I was doing ok most of last week, but the last 2 nights have been really tough for whatever reason. The overwhelming sense of loss and lonliness have been really bad. It still comes and goes. I'm trying not to make any rash decisions or call up WW "just to talk" in this time of weakness. Trying to pull myself back together with the help of some of my new "knowledge".

Living for today and learning to allow yourself to be happy is one thing.....but I'm struggling with the fact that the most important thing in my life, the one thing that gave me the most happiness in life.......is not there. If W was present then things would be magnificent (knowing what I know now)!!!

As for Plan B....I was reading MEDC's post about "Where's the anger?" and it made me start to think that I was being too soft again. Started to wonder if I'm still being too much of a doormat and not garning any respect from WW. I guess that's what generated my question about plan B.

JJ, I guess I feel that plan A is maybe doing some good right now. It's doing some good for me and maybe a little good for "us", but that's hard to say. You're probably right....why drop a bomb on it when it seems to be going ok?

It's like I feel the need for some action. Stepping back and just letting her be....well that's getting pretty lonely and difficult. Almost feel "defeated" sometimes when I do that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Financially, we've sat down and split up our bills in theory and will probably implement full responsibility for such at the start of March.

There's some boundaries that she knows about. Heck, she doesn't really mention OM at all to her family and friends....it's sort of a Taboo subject and she knows it. But, at the same time WW still seems to believe that OM and her are what is right and I think she's still planning to move in with him and play house (if she hasn't already). I haven't seen any signs of her thinking anything other than WE are done and THEY are now her future. I want to say that I'm "sensing" some deeper thought by WW about everything....but that's likely just what "I want to believe". I"m trying to stay truthful to myself and step back and observe what my thoughts and emotions are trying to control......all without losing "hope" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

ILA:

Sorry for not responding earlier. I'm glad 2 see that JJ has stepped in. I'm not in very good shape right now - had another d-day that just makes me angry as all get out (that anger thread hasn't been much help, either). I swear this will be the last one, though.

JJ's right, you're not ready for plan B. But I think that when she ac2ally does move in with the OM, if she really does, then would be the optimal time.

For now, I'd better hand the reins over 2 others and focus on my own plan.

Best,
-ol' 2long

Wow, so sorry to hear this 2long. Thank you so much for your input and assistance in my situation.

I wish you all the stength and resolve possible to deal with your situation. I already know how strong you are and that you WILL be successful in handling this.

Bless YOU.

Don't worry about me, I'm fine, regardless of what I may have 2 do.

I believe I am recovered from the affair, and have been for about 3 years now. I just don't have much confidence that the marriage will ever recover, sadly.

-ol' 2long

ILA,

You are in a difficult position of trying to Plan A after your WW is moved out and for all intents and purposes, moved on. In other words she is not fence sitting, so you have zero positive reinforcement of your Plan A actions.
Even the rats in that old study must have some kind of positive reinforcement to continue going back. My point being, you are in a very hard position to maintain without being a nut case or becoming one. And it is no wonder that you are having some very bad days, although less frequently than I would have thought.

You have chosen to hang on instead of let go. But still you must in self preservation, detach.

So, how do you hang on enough to Plan A and have desire for recovery, but still detach enough for mental health?