My husband had an EA that morphed into a PA that of course made him think that the OW was his true soulmate. I was very lucky and I found this website and it has been my salvation. I read the books my story is very simmilar to so many others I read here. I had that "gut feeling" for a long time and finally obtained the proof that the PA was happening. So many lies until the proof was out in the open. When that happened he was out of the house "trying to figure things out" which I know now means I am having an affair this is just WS fog babble. Anyhow a week after that he moved home but it was not for real. I think the NC lasted a day and me grasping at straws was happy with his "I"ll Try"

Well his love for her overwhelmed him and he abruptly left our home and we went through a two month separation. I used this time to totally focus on me and my personal growth while trying my best to implement a stellar plan A even though he would not see me in person or talk but we communicated greatly over e mail. I know during this time he was spending more and more time with trashtastic and her kids and I prayed every day he would get his fill. Moving forward he broke it off with her and stayed out of the house for another two weeks because I think he was afraid of moving home in case he was not able to truly stand by the NC. It makes it easier because so far she has made no attempt to contact him. Anyhow he is home and we have had NC, he is meeting my EN and I am meeting his. I see the man I fell in love with and I see him trying. I know the feelings are not there yet but I see him trying so eventually as the feelings for trashtastic fade the feelings for me will hopefully return.

We have been very good talking about issues...how we feel, lack of communication, my co - dependence problems, things that might trigger, things we both did to make the other feel bad...etc etc etc.

I regulary attend IC and I journal as well as I am an avid reader so I have devoured every book I see recommended by various posters. My husband hates to read and he will go to counseling but for what ever reason he is hugely opposed to counseling and always has been even long before this happened. However he would go if I asked him to. My question is this.....does anyone think recovery is possible with out the aid of marriage counseling...can it be done?

Because of BAD EXPERIENCES pre and during the affair with traditional marriage counselors, we have recovered without marriage counseling...

BUT, I don't recommend it..just letting you know it can be done..

My H did have a few sessions with Steve Harley and has really bought into the MARRIAGEBUILDERS' CONCEPTS and POV so I think that has been the key..

Perhaps your H will agree to some coaching with one of the Harleys.

Also, I have noted that they now have a list of approved MBers' counselors. So you might want to check into that.

Best wishes to you two.

I know of a few marriages that stay in contact without counseling.

1---One BW said that after the A and WH commitment to never hurt his wife again, their M got even better. 20 years later they are still happy. And she has never regreted taking him back.

2---One BW went through NUMEROUS Affairs for 15 years or so. Oh again off again...woman after woman...Harley called WS like these-gigalos....The Affairs stopped when he got older (45 or 50) and found God....Now they are happy. I hate stories like these....get strong ppl.

3---BW was going through IC but no MC...they just co-exist. There's no passion. They live very much separate lives.

My WH doesn't like counseling either but he participates....he got more excepting when he saw it was making a positive difference in our M.

Please do the counseling.

Oh one more thing.....not all counselors are good...our first counselor great for IC but sucked as MC....the counselor we have now....I love her. So if you find a bad one (I use the word bad loosely) it will only make the 2 of you argue more.

I have checked and in my area it does not list any MB counselors. I know he will go to counseling but I want it to be a worthwhile experience. Even for me finding an IC that was good took some time. Heck I can just nod say tell me how you feel about that, and suggest a library of books to read without the degree. So finding a counselor that will actually be productive is a challenge.

So my next qeustion is this....I do not want to go to MC until we are ready to work on US. I know right now he has sadness from going through withdrawl. He hides it well but I know it is there so when I do ask he shares it with me. We are at three weeks NC....I was thinking of going 2 months NC then starting some counsleing...any thoughts?

I highly recommend MBers' Coaching with Steve Harley.

It's rather expensive but you probably don't need that many sessions.

He can give you two assignments, etc.

Kris,

My FWH and I tried to recover on our own, but the damage of his A was too much for us to do so. We struggled on the roller coaster for 3 1/2 years and had been doing pretty well when he started the same old chit that had led to his 2003 affair.

For us it was either professional MC with Jennifer here at MB or divorce.

I think we would be divorced now had we not done the MC.

I feel like we wasted years struggling.

Best,

Who

The thing about counseling with the Harleys is that they specialise in our problems. The result is that they have found a formula that really works and is simple to understand and implement. They don't spend time on the past but focus on making 'now' a good place to be.

My WH was also suspicious of counseling and does not read either although he pretends to. But he loves Jennifer who is very positive and upbeat. We had a really nasty situation over Christmas with massive triggers over something he was doing which he would not stop doing and she just told me to calmly tell him that he was withdrawing love units - simple as that.

And he understood and it worked!