Post deleted by shannon1015

You have complete and total control over yourself, Shannon.

Sounds like it is a matter of boundaries, and a little bit victim mentality.

Asking if you are a serial cheater and won't be able to stop, says that you have no control, that you are a victim of some personality/character disorder.

It's all about boundaries and the choices we have about what kind of person/H/W/Parent we want to be.

Shannon,
As you know, we humans have a beautiful thing called free will. If you find that you cannot control yourself in a certain situation, the answer is to remove yourself from those situations, not say "I wont be able to stop".

For instance, alchohol inhibits reasoning, and eliminates inhibitions and judgment. If alchohol was a contributing factor in your affairs, the answer is not to say "Oh well, this is me I guess." The answer is to never drink again. You have to make choices to ensure you behave honorably and avoid placing yourself in situations that play to your weaknesses.

Are you a serial cheater? Maybe. Can you change? Yes, but it will take hard work and constant vigilance against yourself.

Have you told your husband about this latest time where you "didn't have sex, but may as well have"? If not, you absolutely need to tell him even if he throws you to the curb right then and there. Chances are that is just what he will do, given your multiple past infidelities, but here is something you NEED to understand.

You will NEVER have the right to manipulate his actions through lies and deception. Like everyone he deserves the right to make choices about his life based on the truth. If you attempt to keep him in this marriage by hiding the truth from him, you are committing a supreme act of selfishness and making a mockery of his commitment to you.

Please think about that. Complete Honesty and Openness is the first step in the accountability you have for your behavior.

Keep posting here though and learn everything you can from the links at the top of the page, and from everyone else who posts to your thread.

I am less concerned about your struggle to label yourself correctly and more concerned about your putting protective boundaries in place to prevent yourself from making such destructive choices in the future.

Someone doesn't just walk out their door and next thing they know, they're waking up in some motel room in bed with someone other than their spouse. There is a SERIES of choices that leads up to that event.

Dr. Harley says that we are ALL wired to have affairs and that we are all vulnerable to an affair unless we take steps to protect ourselves.

One way to protect your marriage from an affair is the Policy of Radical Honesty. If you knew that your husband was aware of all of your interactions, you would be less likely to develop inappropriate relationships that could lead to an affair.

If you were transparent enough to give your H access and passwords to all your e-mail accounts, etc...the chances of your having an affair would be slim to none as your husband would be aware of anything long before it ever reached the danger stage.

Vulnerabilities can vary from person to person. For example, conversation is a high emotional need for me. For that reason, I avoid private or intimate conversations with males because I recognize that I am human and therefore weak.

It is much wiser, IMO, to avoid even putting myself in the path of temptation, rather than relying on my ability to resist temptation.

Think of it like dieting. If I am trying to lose weight and I know that chocolate is a particular weakness, I don't keep chocolate in my house and I sure don't frequent the Hershey's factory!

Identify your own weaknesses and the steps that led you to have an affair and REMOVE them.

Post deleted by shannon1015

Shannon,

I can't add anything to Andrew and Frozen's post, so I won't even try. They are both spot on, IMHO.

Have you read SAA? Has your husband?

Also, please become very familiar with the emotional needs concept, the PORH as Andrew said, as well as the others located in the opening pages of this website.

But to reiterate what Andrew said, your husband must know all of it. To withhold some of your wayward behavior because of your own selfish fears is not showing a willingness and desire to change. You understand that, don't you?

Good luck, Shannon. I wish you all the best! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Shannon,

I agree with the boundary assessment of the others here. I wouldn't label you a serial cheater.

I think that you would benefit from IC to help you understand that you may be more vulnerable to inappropriate actions and help you develop a plan to set and enforce better personal boundaries.

You can probably start right out by not ever putting yourself in a position to be able to interact with men without your H present.

My FWH has similar issues with self control especially when drinking. We simply do not socialize with anyone unless we are together. So far it has protected us both from repeating the poor choices he made in the past.

Who

Shannon,

I implore you to tell your H as soon as possible. The longer you wait to tell him, the more painful it will be for him when the truth is finally revealed. Every minute that passes is another minute that he is living a lie and he deserves to know the truth about his life and the events that have occured.

Have you been tested for STD's?

If alcohol is a problem, have you considered attending AA meetings and finding a sponsor?

When you tell your husband the truth, I pray that you do not make the mistake that many WS's have in telling "partial" truths. Tell him EVERYTHING and answer any questions he has fully and honestly.

Recovery CAN NOT EVEN BEGIN as long as you are still withholding any information (either recovery individually OR marital recovery).

The Harleys, the founders of MB, offer telephone counseling. I have used this service myself and I highly recommend it. They are EXPERTS and it would be extremely beneficial if you are able to utilize their guidance through this process. They will be able to help you identify exactly why you chose to have affairs and how you can avoid such future choices and guide you through the recovery process.

When will you tell your husband?

Let's just say that you have a pattern of behavior that may be labeled 'serial cheating'.

But what you call it doesn't matter so much as what you are going to do about it.

Because now that you have recognized the pattern you have the opportunity (and responsibility) to change it!

As others have already told you - the label doesn't give you an excuse to not fix the problem.

IMHO relationships with serial adulterers may require more time and effort for recovery than when there has been 'just' one adultery... but that's no excuse for still not giving recovery your absolute best shot.

The way I figure it, the time will go by anyway, may as well spend it fixing your problems, even if your problems are 'worse' than usual and therefore may take longer to fix.

Actually, the fact that you are even willing to admit that you have a recurring problem IMHO puts you a giant step along the path to recovery. (I don't believe my WXH - no doubt about it serial adulterer - will EVER admit he's done anything wrong let alone has a chronic 'problem' he needs to fix!) In fact IMHO THE reason there is such a low recovery rate for serial adulterers is because of their usual refusal to even admit they have a problem. They prefer to pretend either the adulteries aren't wrong, are totally the BS's fault, or are isolated incidents that they swear will never happen again... in their mind the ONLY problem is the BS won't just get over it and trust them again...

Start with honestly answering what it is you tell yourself when you give yourself permission to cheat. What are you feeling and thinking in those moment just before you kiss an OM? How do you rationalize it to yourself?

Then eliminate from your repertoire any places, activities, persons who help set the stage for your indisgressions. Don't go there again - literally.

Identify the people in yor life who have enabled or maybe even encouraged this behavior. Tell them you have a problem and that you are givign them the opportunity to help you overcome it. Ask them to help hold you acountable to your new standards instead of what they've done in the past. If they act as if what you did was no big deal, then end contact with them (as much as is possible). If they can't be relied on to help you change then never be in their presence alone minus a true accountability partner.

Get into IC with a counselor who understand the following problems: adultery, addictions, serial adultery specifically. I recommend the Harley's because of their expertise in those areas. If you have a cousnelor that downplays what you did or in any way tries to tell you your actions mean you just married the wrong person and should divorce, drop them ASAP.

The world is full of worldliness, no shortage of enablers and excusers (you'll even find some here at MB's). YOU have to become the gatekeeper and filter out ALL adultery-justifying input. AND you will need to develop some very strong allies as accountability partners to help you do this too.

Oh a little hint: If you see any posts in your thread regarding 2X4's, those posters are like accountabily partners; and any posters who chastise the 2X4 wielding posters as being 'too judgemental' are like enablers. There may be times when you will only want to hear from the latter type (foggy times). You may even get so fogged-up at times that you will leave here and give your old ways another try, assuring yourself that what you've done wasn't so bad, everybody does it, and/or that you can handle it now... I strongly encourage you to stay and to kick this problem once and for all.

I wouldn't necessarily label you a 'serial adulterer' based on what's happended so far... but you are most definitely on that path. For my part, I will tell you what I wished somebody had told my WXH before he got so far.

Post deleted by shannon1015

Post deleted by shannon1015

"Alcohol isn't a problem for me, but it becomes a problem when I do start drinking, by not cutting myself off it that makes any sense. I don't drink daily or weekly for that matter."

One doesn't have to drink on a regular basis in order to have a drinking problem.

I've heard that one-in-ten people can't just drink socially; if they drink they will not be able to do so responsibly or non-excessively. So 10% of the population just can't drink like other people do without it becoming a problem. That's not to say that the other 90% is somehow protected from developing drinking problems, just not genetically pre-disposed to it. Also, that in no way gives that 10% an excuse to not deal with their drinking problem. Again, even if they never get to the alcoholic stage, they have to completely stop drinking alcohol, they just can't drink, just like a former alcoholic turned sober.

Some problem drinkers drink way too much , mass quantities. (BTW, I heard that according to the AMA dirnking only a couple of six-packs per week can constitute a drinking problem - something LOTS of people do and would deny is a 'problem'.) Some drink and drive. Some become angry and violent when they drink. Some really can't afford to drink so even if they don't drink excessively they squander money needed for necessities for food and shelter on booze. Others may not exhibit any drinking-related problems but use alcohol as a way to deal with other problems instead of getting real help solving them.

Alcohol affects your ability to reason. If the affect alcohol has on YOU is to make it difficult to determine when you've had 'enough' to drink, then you should refrain from drinking altogether.

BTW, have any of these adulterous incidents happened while you were drinking?

"I don't hold him responsible for the affairs, I mean sure I can sit here and ramble on about what he wasn't doing and how he wasn't filling my emotional needs, but to be honest I hold myself completely responsible. I didn't in the past I always had reasons and excuses but I have come to realize this is my problem and my issues."

This is very good! This is key to recovery IMHO.

We are all fallen mere mortals and subject to the temptation to excuse and blame rather than to take responsibility.

I think you will find that most who post here will judge the behavior - not the person. (Some of us are old enough to remember when it was possible to do that, pre-Political Correctness LOL) It is very important to get to the reasons WHY you did those things. There will be some factors that were outside your control such as the example of marriage your parents' provided, your EN's maybe being unmet, the situations you found yourself in, etc... BUT there was and is always also your own boundaries and morals as a factor too. So while it will become important to examine what outside factors set the stage, it will still need to be acknowledged that you could and should have overcome those influences to resist the temptation.

BOTH will need to be dealt with:

changing the environment by avoiding risky situations, staying away from enablers, becoming accountable, getting your EN's met in an appropriate way, and analyzing influences from your past

PLUS holding yourself to a higher standard, taking full responsibility for your boundaries, refusing to give in to temptation even IF you find yourself in a bad situation and even IF your spouse has not adequately met your EN's.

It seems you are willing to take responsibility and to make changes. That puts you way ahead of most WS's that come here.

OMG! Get another councellor, PUH-LEEZE. This is an unacceptable statement. There is never a point where God would refuse to bless someone if they ask for His blessing. And that includes a marriage.

I notice you deleted your first post. Is this b/c you are afraid your DH will see it here. You really MUST tell him the truth, no matter how painful. How about if you write everything down that you can think of, including how you intend to fix this issue and let him know you have come to a place where you must be completely honest with him. He may have more questions even after he reads it...be willing to answer them all without getting angry that he is asking. Your M can survive his anger, it CANNOT survive continuing deceit and bad behavior on your part.

I wish you the best of luck...stop wasting your money on anyone except the Harley's...especially for the Affair Addiction you currently face.

Shannon, it sounds like you are headed in the right direction. I do want to address what your counselor said to you about your marriage. I assume that the counselor you are going to is providing Individual Counseling rather than Marriage Counseling?

If this is true, please consider that ICs are not in general inclined toward supporting marriages, because often their primary goal is to get you as an individual to a "happy place." That's often much easier than helping work out your marriage, since *2* people's concerns and happiness must be considered when working for a marriage rather than just working for an individual.

Does that make sense? If you continue with this counselor, I would suggest that you tell her that you want to keep your marriage and that you want to pursue goals in counseling that will include the success of your marriage.