Hi all,
I'm new here and hope someone can give me some advice. I got out of a 12yr marriage in Oct of 06.

I met a wonderful women in Jan of 07(she was divorced for 3 years from an 18yr marriage) and we have been dating all year(10 months) and this past October 07 she asked to move in with me because her best friend and roommate was being transfered out of state.

She has since found another pace to live and roommate. She just moved in this past week and she has become very upset with me and now wants to break up. She came over to my place and took all her stuff out. She keeps brining up the subject of me not letting her move in and is just crushed over it. I had told her it was too soon after my divorce and I just could not do it now and I love you dearly, but I don't want the relationship to end. I just don't know what else to say and need help and advice....Thanks.

Welcome, Unclejon.

You are acting in a very wise way in not allowing her to move in now.

Most of us have found that relationships we have shortly after our marriages end have problems. Mostly, it's because we bring this problems into the relationship.

Your relationship has lasted more than many, but it's still be less than one year. Experts say that the first year of a relationship is like the honeymoon period. Each person is on their best behavior, and pheremones are still sending our lidios racing.

Around a year into the relationship, the lust dwindles, people start to feel very secure and more of their weaknesses emerge.

After that, it still takes several months to assess whether you can live with those particular weaknesses.

Another issue that worries me about the request is timing. Her moving in wasn't what was right for the relationship or the two of you as a couple. It was convenient for her.

If you haven't read the main web site and basic concepts, do. One of the important concepts is Policy of Joint AGreement. Neither spouse does anything the other doesn't enthusiastically agree with. The prevents resentment. Imagine how your relationship would be if you allowed her to move in, but you didn't feel comfortable with the arrangement? You'd feel resentful.

Also, there's a LoveBuster call selfish demands. A request to live together is not in itself a selfish demand. But, bringing it up all the time, and threatening to cut off the relationship because you didn't do as she asked raises it to the level of selfish demand. Anything with an ultimatum is a selfish demand. Her ultimatum was veiled, but it seems to have been "Let me move in or we're over."

If I were you, I'd talk to her about expectations. If she wants to get married in 2008, you may not be ready for that, but you're thinking you'll know by mid-2008 where the relationship is going.

I'd also see if she'd read this site and discuss its concepts with you.

Good luck.

"I got out of a 12yr marriage in Oct of 06."

"I met a wonderful women in Jan of 07(she was divorced for 3 years from an 18yr marriage)"

"I had told her it was too soon after my divorce"

It is advised to wait 1 year for every 5 years you were married before starting a new relationship. I've read a more general one-size-fits-all suggestion of waiting 2 years (regardless of the length of the marriage).

According to the first recommendation you still needed two years and a couple of months to fully recover and learn form your first marriage before getting into a new relationship. I know that sounds like a long time... and is just one of the many things most people don't know about relationships/divorce.

But even if you went by the second recommendation, with the shorter time period for recovery, you still had one year and nine months to go in your own personal recovery from your marriage/divorce.

The woman you got involved with only had a little more than half a year to go for recovery according to the first equation, and had already given enough time to recovery according to the two-year guideline.

BUT it is also very important to consider IF any actual reflection, recovery, and positive changes had happened during that time period.

What caused your divorce?

What caused the divorce of the woman you got involved with?

I'd let her know that it's because you DO think she's a wonderful woman, and that you DO love her dearly, that you don't want to take a chance on screwing it up by rushing into things and potentially ruining a wonderful thing. Tell her you care very much for her and want the relationship, but that you still want to court her, date her, get to truly know each other before getting to that point. That's the fun part <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Her feelings probably got hurt, and that happens to the best of us - regardless of the who's and what's and why's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Maybe she has self esteem of confidence issues. Who knows?? We all have ghosts. Romance her a bit, let her know it's not HER you're uncomfortable with, but rather the situation... Best of luck to you.

So, was it a matter of convenience or did she want to move in and start building a much closer, long lasting relationship with her new Guy?

Relationship etiquette would probably dictate that she shouldn't have asked you in the first place. She placed the burden of her relocation onto your shoulders and caused stress to the relationship as a result.

You don't need validation for your decision. You trusted your gut and your morals and decided accordingly. If she is not okay with that, then perhaps she's not the Girl for you.

Could it be that she asked you to help her out as a friend/boyfriend because she was forced to move? Or was it a "let's make a life together" type of thing?

If I broke up with one person and started dating another within 4 months, I'd be afraid that I hadn't learned enough about myself to figure out how I contributed to the demise of the first relationship, and would bring it into the second. She'd need to know that you love her enough to be taking care of fixing yourself before a move-in situation. Stand strong and let her see you doing the right thing.

That said, are you sure she's not into an EA or PA?

She is too crazy, get rid of her and find a less crazy woman (they are all crazy) to be with.


That is the key my man, finding a woman whose crazyness you can put up with.

The reason for my divorce is just about the exact same as ConfusedSK. My Ex ternimated her only pregnacy in her early 20's. We tried to get pregnant in our early 40's. Went 4 yrs, fert specialist, IVF, failed odoption. Then a year of her flirting with everyone and I went off at her for it. Two weeks later she wanted a divorce.

My new girl, "E" I'll call her, had 3 teenage boys who all got in major trouble at high school, with hard drugs,burglery, and the law. She tried to be strick with them but her husband would not support her in diciplane. She kicked them all out and gave up on the family, which I know killed her.

She became very intraverted for over a year and then her best friend "M", who just got divorced too at the time, moved in with "E". See then her friend "M" moved out and "E" moved in with her and She "M" now is the one who is being transfered out of town.

Greengables- thx so much for the info, I'm now learning and reading the site. I like the "love bank" idea.

Meremortal- I hear ya and she did say to me "When I first met you, (which was through an online dating site) I was so ready for you"

Bluerskies + Ba109- that is just what I told her and I believe she is now coming around to it. She knows I do care and love her. Yes it was "lets make a life together" and she told me "I want to build something with you"

That said I do totaly realize 110% it was too soon to get into a serious relationship and I didn't want that. But meeting the type of person who was so kind, devoted and loving to me, after being treated like ****** of over a year, I gave in. All that said we have smoothed over things and are going on vac. for a week Sat. as we planned 2 months ago..

Catperson I don't know what EA or PA is but I just have one small curv ball to ask.
"E" is a mail carrier and her new "roomate" is this guy she has been delivering mail to for over 4 years. He is a pilot, has a 15yo girl, and has been divorced 3 years and "really wanted her to move in" because I guess he is not there a lot and wanted someone to watch his dogs and house. His ex lives a mile away and they have joint custody. However I know he does not need the money because "E" just told me he is building a second "investment" home in FLA. I don't want to be the jelous boyfriend and I don't want to be naive, and "E" and her family have assured me "nothing is going on" But I just wondered what you folks thought of this. He also does know I'm her boyfriend and he was fully aware of that before she moved in. Sorry for the long post and thx for listening. UJ

jon,

I'm not sure what your comfort zone is with your GF but this arrangement seems highly inappropriate to me. Even if their relationship is strictly platonic, the potential for it to develop into something much more 'familiar' is way off the charts.

You have to set your own personal boundaries and enforce them accordingly.

I'd watch E and her new roommate. There is the possibility it could develop into something more, or it is possible these two are like brother and sister. Given his schedule, and that E has regular day hours, they'll probably only see each other in passing. Evenings when he's home, before she gets dressed to meet you.