Honestly, I am not trying to keep my children from him, but if he is not willing to help me raise them by paying child support, then what kind father is he. If he is saying I will accept seeing my son every other weekend if I do have to help raise them, meaning child support then maybe it would be better if he is not in the picture. I am however, very afraid that my son might grow up to be like him and treat women like the ground they walk on. Very confuse and just want to see what everyone think...

So, if I don't have $$ then I cannot be a good father? Him wanting 50/50 custody sure sounds like he is "willing to help you raise them."

Methinks you need to recheck your motives.

Moonlight, it's ok to be hurt - you wouldn't be normal if you weren't. Just please stop the hurt with you. Don't pass it on to your children. The way to assure they don't get his bad traits is to teach them by example, not remove him from their lives.

Set You Free,

Teach them by example by allowing them to see how their father behave and treat women like dirt. A sink full of dirty dishes year round, a yard as high as a three years old. As soon as their monther walk in the door from work, she start cleaning and pickin up trash from the door to the bedroom. How is that a good example?

MF, I can see the position you're in, I'm just looking for more information to help you. Just ignore Set You Free. If you provide more information about your situation, we maybe could provide better advice.

MF, did you not know any of these things about your ex's family before you married him? Did you not know any of these things about his family before you decided to have children with him?

IMO, cheating does not equal a life sentence away from one's children. Someone can divorce their spouse, but you don't divorce your children.

Unless you were *completely* misled by this man and you had absolutely no knowledge of this family's lifestyle prior to marriage I would say you have no leg to stand on. You (presumably) accepted the situation before and only now are you wanting to remove him from your children's lives based on this situation...it doesn't add up...smells like revenge.

Too many mothers (and yes this really is gender specific) equate fatherhood with child alimony. A man who can't pay child alimony can't be a good father.

Think about this, if you give him the impression that his only value is monetary. Why should he work with you? How would you feel if he said that to you?

Your words are:

if he is not willing to help me raise them by paying child support


If he requested Shared Parenting (that's 50/50 custody and no money changes hands) would you take it.

The thing is, no court is going to grant you sole custody based on the opinion of one parent that the other is no good. About the only thing that would sway a court to rule absolute complete cut-off from one parent would be abuse, and even then they would probably order some form of supervised visitation (at least here that's what they do). Also, visitation or lack thereof does not factor into child support - the non-custodial parent is responsible regardless of if or however often they see their child. If your state allows you to write your own agreement, you may be able to negotiate reduced child support in exchange for sole custody if he is willing, but it is highly unlikely any man would give up his children completely for money or anything else.

He may be a crappy father. He may set terrible examples. But he is their dad and he does have a right to see them, and they have a right to see him. We don't get to choose our relatives.

Moonlight, that is exactly what I am talking about. If he is truly so bad, let the kids see it for themselves, you just keep doing the right thing.

Tabby1, wow, I would suggest you spend a day in family court. Judges here in Cali, LA and Kern Counties, will take a child away on nothing more than the word of the mother. Yes, you read that right. I watched one case where the mom said dad had empty booze bottles, 4 poopy diapers and porn all over the floor after just an overnight with his kid. Funny how, even though mom had her camera cell phone with her, she just couldn't find a moment to take a picture of this mess. The judge took the kid from the father on - get this - just the mom's word. No proof whatsoever.

Moms here have discovered a great game - make a false report to family services about dad, then go to court and say family services is investigating dad. On that alone, the judge will take the kid from the dad.

So, I don't know what state you live in, but I wish I was there!

In our local newspaper yesterday was the arrest of a man who owed $100,000 in CS. I realized I knew the mom with 5 kids, and dad left with no financial support and hadn't seen the kids in years to be with a GF out of state. He just decided to see one of the kids in their school play and was arrested. Anyone feel sorry for this dad who wasn't there physically or financially?

This mom worked her butt off to provide for her kids, and has always had a great attitude. My point, don't blast people here for their opinions - we haven't walked in their shoes.

Ok, if we are looking to find find bad father/bad mother stories I am sure I could provide plenty of stories that you wouldn't like.

No need to do that though.

The facts are simple:

Women file most divorces (from 60%-80% depending on the study). Women do this because they know they are likely to get the kids and the prizes that go with the kids. House, car, money, government benefits and revenge. Family Court goes about it's business without Due Process of Law (as does it's related offices). This is unConstitutional BTW.

For this same reason, men have initiated a marriage strike.

Think about it, how many women think they deserve 50/50 custody and money(ie, selfish and vengeful)? How many men think the same?

Do you really want to compare stories newly?

Let's do a count - how many men on this entire forum are trying to take the kids away from the mom with nothing more than, "I don't like her, she cheated on me?"

Garak is right - it's the women who initiate these sensless actions. I don't really care if that blatant fact hurts anyone's feelings. If you don't like being called a spade, don't be a spade. Strange how it's pretty much only the men who don't go for CS when they get primary custody. Kinda like the Koby Bryant case where the girl said it wasn't about the money. That's how you know it IS about the money, when they say it isn't.

Yes, he's an [censored] for cheating on you. But, how exactly will your hurting your own children make a terrible situation for your kids better? When you come up with a good answer for that, I will listen and join your pity party. I imagine I will be waiting a long time.

Your husband has a girl friend and doesn't work. He flaunts his GF in your face. He just tried to extort $400 dollars from you.

How do you support the kids? Do you work? If you are the sole provider, the courts could very well give him custody as the stay-at-home dad and make YOU give HIM child support.

Do you have a lawyer?

What you say is true but man is it backward thinking on the part of the courts. To punish a parent because that parent works. That encourages dependance on the government.

That's a big problem with the courts. They claim to look out for only the child's best interests, but quickly forget that includes dad (or maybe mom in this case) having a decent sdtandard of living. Many times mom live high off the hog off of dad's back, while dad lives in a shack.

Exactly how is that good for the child?

And, if you haven't noticed, they like dependence on gov't. Job security!

Well, the truth is that the states get kickbacks from collecting child alimony. This is why it is in the states best interests to put the child with the parent earning the least (usually mom) thereby forcing the need for child alimony. As you know, child alimony NOT paid via the state is considered not paid at all.

It is also in the states best interests to make people dependant on the government as that increases the power of the government. We are moving dangerously close to socialism in case no one has noticed.

Last, because of chivalry society doesn't like putting women in prison over unpaid child alimony (read: it costs politicians votes). This makes it hard for the state to collect as harshly when mom owes the money. This is justification for automatically tagging dad as the non custodial parent.

It isn't about the best interests of the children folks, as with most things, follow the money.

Did you also know that in cases where CS is being paid properly but not through the state, the state will try to get it paid through them? In LA county CA, the county demands all CS payments to be through wage garnishment, regardless if it is necessary or not.

Yep, show me the money!

Well, it obviously varies between jurisdictions. Around here you can have blatant physical abuse to both wife and children and the woman will still have to fight in court even for supervised visitation and still sometimes lose. Child support is also now based on a chart that is available on the gov't website. Basically if you make $X, you pay $Y child support. Spousal support is a lot harder to get, even if you haven't worked in 20 years because you've been at home being June Cleaver to your lyin' cheatin' piece of crap husband.

How do you figure this one? My ex WRITES A CHECK each month (does not get his wages garnished), it goes through the state, and I get a deposit within 2 days to my checking account. No fees deducted by the state. Ever. It's been this way for the last 10 years.

How does the state get a kick-back?

cathys01, you should probably read up on the subject. The Feds give states a portion of the money they collect. There are no fees deducted most times for payments like yours.

For example, if the state is involved in collections of $10 million, the feds will give the state $500,000. Not the actual numbers there, just an example. So, the state does indirectly have an incentive to increase CS payments. That's probably why LA county garnishes the wages.

The states get kickbacks by the federal government based on how much they collect. You can easily see how this leads to abuse.

Ever wonder why they advertise how much they collect annually? This is why.