Okay...

I am done with my divorce, have cleared my head and am trying to make sense of all this.

My ex and I had been together for about 7 years and married for 4 years.

Around January of '06 we decided to start trying for children. She had been on the Depo shot for a number of years, so it took about 6 months before her system would be clear for us to even potentially try and have children. During the 6 month period her system was getting back to normal, the school she had been attending closed and her life's ambition now became, I will "just" be a Mom.

As a reference point, my ex was constantly seeking for some form completion is what I can only describe as an unfulfilled life. There was always something that she wanted that was going to fill this void. Be that a new pair of paints, blackberry, new clothes, new home, volunteer work, something. It was a never ending quest that was never fulfilled.

At any rate, around December of last year I took her to an Dr.'s appointment and she came out in tears saying that she had some news and that I was not going to like it, it was really expensive and it was not going to be covered under our medical insurance.

She then informed me that our Dr. had told her she needed to go to a fertility clinic.

Now, we had been pregnant previously, my ex was 28 years old and in no rush of needing this extreme route. Keep in mind that at this point we had only really been able to become pregnant for about 6 months at the most.

As an added side note, my ex also had an anxiety issue and hypocondrea issues.

My response was basically and admittedly pretty short and rude. I wanted children very badly but the urgency she had towards this was outrageous. Our sex life for the past 7-8 months had been rotating around a calendar and a thermometer, she was actually interviewing daycares and we were not even preganat.

basically, I blew my top and said, "this is not about having a happy, healthy child. This is about you filling some need for instant gratification. We need to go to an Ob/GYN and get a second opinion on what's up".

She burst into tears and cried the entire way back to her office. Even after I dropped her off I think she cried for the rest of the day.

Quite frankly, this sentence changed my life forever. However, i still feel it is accurate.

About a week later, she came home from work and said... "I have never wanted biological children and have always wanted to adopt".

Now I desperately wanted a family with her. However, I could not support the decision to adopt when we could have had our own children. This is clearly something you discuss prior to marriage and it is, to be honest, something she dropped on me right then and there.

Needless to say, there was a downward spiral, and she changed her opinion of me. Eventually she would begin an affair with a married man at her work and we would get divorced.

During the break up of the marriage and divorce, she came up with 100's of reason on why she wanted out of the marriage, but I've learned that her reasons are now that.

1. I would not financially support the fertility tests (not true, i just wanted to get a qualified opinion)

2. When the topic o f adoption came up, I told her I wanted caucasian children, if we were to go that route. That's not a racist thought. Rather, I wanted our kids, even if they were to be adopted, which was not my first choice, would be raised in a culturally balanced home as that is our racial background.

Looking back, i think I was saying the right thing. Especially as what I was saying truly reflected my position and still does.


In reading this brief description, does anyone feel I was out of line in my reaction?

IMHO whether or not your reaction/statements were 'out of line', her choosing to start an adultery with an OM was not justified.

It may very well be that she realized you two had too different goals in regards to parenting... which then might have caused you two to eventually divorce if that could not be resolved in a POJA manner.

But it doesn't sound as if she was interested in POJA (not wanting to even get a 2nd medical opinion and then suddenly telling you she has 'always' wanted to adopt, 'never' wanted biological children, yet had never informed you of that before).

You want to know what I think? Since this ALL happened in just the span of one year:

the unconfirmed discovery of her fertility problem,

the pronouncement that she never wanted to give birth to her own children, always wanted to adopt,

the 'downward spiral',

then her getting involved with the married man,

then the divorce...

My radar says she maybe began her involvement with the married man more than a year ago, THEN cleverly came up with the whole fertility problem and adoption thing for you two to disagree about, as her cleverly schemed excuse to dump you for the OM while blaming you.

That would explain why she didn't want to get a 2nd medical opinion...

Or it's just the thing about her seeking something to make her feel fulfilled... the desperately seeking, need something NOW thing... that is the very mindset that would make her prone to cheat.

Either way, IMHO things moved pretty darn fast.

Things may have turned out better if your reaction had been more understanding... or if you had the opportunity to explain and apologize for your statement... but it sounds as if her agenda may have been a few giant steps ahead of your reactions.

BTW, what reason did she give for not wanting to get a 2nd opinion?

And also, you said she had been pregnant in the past. did that pregnancy end in an abortion? If so, that WOULD explain tons. It would explain a lot about her fertility problems, emotions, urgency, decision-making, seeking for something, and even wanting to end the marriage. There is post-abortion counseling available that could help her if that is the case.

Okay...

Now you have my attention.

1. Yes, the pregnancy was terminated by an abortion.

2. I don't doubt the affir had been going on for several months prior to the divorce and certainly during all of the true problems.

Her reasons for not wanting toi get the second opinion were that our family Dr. is and OB not a GYN so she felt it was a qualified. She's taken a position that I was too cheap to do this which was never the case.

I think there are some things and some people we can never make sense of. You certainly aren't responsible for her decisions and I don't think you should beat yourself up for having the type of reaction you did to her irrational behavior.

It's been almost 4 years since my separation and 3 years since the divorce and I've finally gotten to the stage where I'm not looking for someone else. The first 6 months I cried, lived on pizza and prozac and then I dated for the next year and a half and then I just started to feel fine with being single. It's kind of nice not having to work my life around another person for a while. Don't get me wrong, I loved being married when it was good, but when he started going through midlife and the manipulation and cheating started, the pain was so bad it hurt to be touched.

I say analyze to your heart's content, have a beer and watch some football . . . and remind yourself that one day you'll wake up and it really won't hurt this bad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Honestly... The hurt is done.

I am still trying to figure out some of the facts though. She has completely denied, to me at least, infidelities, who it was with, etc...

Although she did admot these things to a couple other people and I found out

Cunfused, I think you'll get a lot more advice on some of the other boards, maybe the General Questions board or Divorced/Divorcing board rather than the Dating and Relationships board?

I think your reaction is to try and minimize any fault you had in the breakup of your marriage. In fact, you are asking others to validate that you did nothing wrong. What if you did have some fault in the break up? That would actually be pretty normal.

Of course as others said, its not your fault she chose an A. But you are denying yourself an opportunity to accept your own shortcomings and learn from them. Its worth doing. If you don't, you are pretty likely to repeat the same mistakes in your future relationships.

All the best,

- WG

I have to agree with the ERS:
"I think there are some things and some people we can never make sense of. You certainly aren't responsible for her decisions and I don't think you should beat yourself up for having the type of reaction you did to her irrational behavior. "

I remember searching (alright, obsessing if you must know!) about the who, what, where, when and whys of it all. I needed some answers so I could make sense of it. I was blindsided. It's a hard thing because we will never have all the facts. It sounds like your ex has some issues. Your divorce does not boil down to the fertility issue or your response to it. It is much more complicated than that. The best that I can offer you is that in light of my one time obsessing, today I don't even think about it. It doesn't grip me and, in fact, bores me a bit. The details and the why did he do such and such don't really matter anymore. Lucky me - I am finally free from the grip of the worst time of my entire life. I'm not sure why I'm so lucky, I don't obsess about it - I just enjoy it.

Go ahead and ask questions and try to fit the pieces of the puzzle together. I wish you the best and hope someday you find your own inner peace.