I live in the Boston area and have a difficult situation that I need some advice on. My wife of 3 years began an affair in June '07 and I found out about it in July. Since we were both devout Catholics, I expected her to be horrified at what she had done and appologize profusely. The exact opposite has taken place. In fact, almost 6 months later, I found out she is still sleeping with him and lying to everyone I exposed her to about it (her parents and close friends). I was attempting to do Plan A but, everytime I would start, it seemed like I would find out that she had slept with OM again. She moved out of our home and has been living with her parents for most of the last 6 months. I was prepared to wait until she came out of the fog before I made any decisions about or marital future but, this continued affair is to much for me to deal with. She has said that she is in love with him and will not cease contacting him but that she also doesn't want to lose me.

At this point, I don't think there is much possibility for reconciliation but neither of us have filed for divorce. The point of contention has now become the custody of our 2yr old daughter. Since my wife left, I have been caring for the child in the evenings (she goes to daycare during the weekdays) and on most weekends. However, beginning with the holiday period, my wife has been taking her overnight to my in-laws house more frequently so that my daughter would be there 3-4 nights out of the week.

Last week, my wife and I had another blow up argument because she shared with me how she now wants our daughter to stay with her at my in laws house. I immediately called my mother in law expecting to hear a denial of my wife's plan. Much to my surprise, she agreed with what my wife was planning saying that it is better for our daughter to be with her mother a majority of every week. However, my wife and mother in law have not demanded more time with my daughter as yet. They have just been sneaky about taking our child for what seems like more and more time out of every week.

My question is, should I get a lawyer right now before we have any blow up fights over who takes my daughter or should I wait for them to make any aggressive moves? Also, am I being overly harsh by insisting that my daughter remain in my appt, the only home she has ever known, or should I let her go with her mother more often? Is my wife being in the fog of an affair enough reason to limit any access she has to our daughter or should I not be as concerned about her being with our child?

JDC,

I suggest maintaining as much parenting time as you can with your daughter. Once precedent is established that the child is with the mother the majority of the time, it will be harder to have that setting reversed or altered should you get divorced.

Because she's moved out, if it were me, I'd lawyer up. I'd file for legal separation and secure parental rights to and for my child. Not only do you have a right to parent your daughter, she has a right to be parented by her daddy.

Sorry to see you in this sitch. You first started posting on the GQII board. How about giving those folks an update.

Here's your old thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Sorry to hear this.

To be devout is to have strong faith, yes? If we agree on that, then we must agree your wife was never "devout." She may have been dutiful and attended mass, but she was clearly--and tragically--worshiping a false God.

As for you, I have been in your shoes. Sadly, in these situations, it is nearly impossible to ignore the ominous words of Mark in 3:27 "No man can enter into a strong man's house, and spoil his goods.."

Now what? You can:

1. Divorce. Everyone does it. It's even chic in some circles. God forgives your divorce on the grounds of adultery. Jesus said you shall write your wife a divorce, and set her loose... and she will be an adulterer the rest of her life (does your wife even have a clue what the bible says about adultery??). Lickity split. With one stipulation: you will destroy your daughter's life and send her out into the world with a tarnished view of marriage and a pathetic example of perseverence and character building.

2. Pray and have faith God wants your family together, that God will overcome the pain your wife allowed the enemy to unleash on your family. This was my option when I was in your shoes. People said I was a fool. I was even persecuted to some degree. But one needn't look further than the beatitudes to find that reconciliation, mercy and forgiveness are the hallmarks of Christianity, and you, as a Christian, should be all of these things towards your wife.
It won't be easy. God knows it is hard. But it is the righteous path.

I wish you well in whatever path you take, I'm here to tell you that your marriage can survive this. Your wife's affair will die. You may have to wait it out. But you will get your family back when the dust clears.

When my wife was seeing someone else (be careful not to reduce your wife, or her lover, to abbreviations as some here do) I BOMBARDED her with text messages and emails citing scripture on top of scripture. I also stopped cooperating with the divorce. It came to the point where she threatened me with a restraining order due to the volume of text messages blowing up her phone. I have TONS of material if you need it (just private message me).

Personally, I don't think you should let evil win this battle. I think you should go down fighting for your wife and family... all the way to the end.

Be strong. Keep loving her, day in and day out. Lead by example.

God bless you

Context, Mr. Damascus, context.

A stronger man HAS entered his house and bound his hands.



Better context is here in Luke.



JDC, personally your wife is in for a rude awakening when she is told 21"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' 23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'


Mine actually thinks that she is pre-forgiven for her adultery and fornication. She actually thinks thst she is forgiven for the pending divorce because she thinks she is a christian.

If she ever was a christian, this never would have happened.

Thanks for your input everyone. I have some bad news to add, however. I just found out that my wife is pregnant with OM's child. She didn't tell me herself, her friend did. I'm guessing she will carry it to term because the guilt would kill her to abort. I hope that she doesn't terminate and that means that she will carry this child to term and who knows whether she will keep it or give it up for adoption. How can I stay married to this woman now that she has a child with another man? Is it unchristian of me to quickly divorce her now? I'm so afraid that the OM will now stay in my wife's life and will be around my daughter because of it.

I think one of your first responsibility is to your daughter. Your wife is making decisions that indicate how self-centered and selfish she has become. That isn't a healthy environment for a child.
I don't know what state you're in but in Florida the standard used for custody is best interest of the child. One of the factors considered is who has been the primary caregiver. As a father (unfortunately) you have an uphill battle getting custody. Even if the law says both parents are on equal footing, it's rarely the case. I strongly suggest you seek the assistance of an attorney who can let you know where you stand legally. An attorney could file for divorce and also ask for temporary custody during the pendancy of the suit.
It also sounds like your mother in law has bought in to your wife's fantasy life. I wouldn't trust her imput at this point since she seems to be thinking only of her daughter.

Ok, now that my wife is pregnant with OM's child and not showing any signs of wanting to come back to me, I figure my best chance to get the most time with my daughter is through mediation. I feel like I need to protect my daughter and myself from my wife's recklessness but going through the courts is too risky. I might end up with just weekend visitation or worse. My wife now says that she will be more flexible in negotiating custody than she originally indicated so, I'm hopeful. My wife still hasn't told me about the pregnancy (I found out from her friend) so I'm hoping to at least get a legal separation before she lets the cat out of the bag. Is that selfish of me? I just feel like I can't bear to be married to this woman any longer especially since she is now carrying the OM's child. Any thoughts as to whether I'm out of line or moving too fast?

Not all will agree, but for me, when the A advances to the point where there is an OC with the OM, then that is a deal-breaker and Plan D would be my only option.

With that said, once I realized that divorce was the only option. I would do all in my power to protect my children and my assets, which would start with me hiring the meanest lawyer SOB I could find. I would move to limit the amount of time my D would have to spend with your WW and OM, including this new half sibling.

I'm sorry for some who have chosen otherwise, but for me, once we got to the point where my WW disrespected me with the ultimate humiliation of becoming pregnant with the OM's child, then NO MORE MR. NICE GUY, as I am now fighting for the future well being of my D.

Today would be a GREAT TIME to start researching who has the reputation as being the toughest divorce lawyer in your area. Good Luck!!!

See a lawyer immediately and present them with the facts. Do not allow your wife to set the agenda.

I agree--- get a lawyer and do whatever it takes for you to have "right of first refusal" (YOU should be first choice over other caretakers!!) and as much time with your daughter as you can.

Your wife obviously doesn't care what an immoral example she's setting for the kid, and sounds like she's stringing you along cake-eater style, NO remorse! Have you checked the laws in your state to see if this adultery will make the courts weigh in your favor at all (most states don't care, but a few do!).

Agree with above comments regarding her UNChristian behavior! I pray the best for you and your daughter,
J,
fellow Catholic and STBX of a serial adulterer
Do not feel badly about protecting your rights now!
Recommend divorcecare.com (& ck your parish for support)

The OM getting her pregnant is the dealbreaker.

Forget all the "what if's" and concentrate on one thing - what is her attitude. She is completely unrepentant. That says it all, and tells you the course to take.

Rid yourself of her, make yourself the best person and father to that sweet little girl you can be. God will take you in His hands and care and provide for you. Concentrate on you and your daughter, forget the ex.

Hi Everyone,

OK, here is the situation now: She told me about the pregnancy last night. Apparently she has known for 2 weeks. She claims the OM didn't use a condom once and that is how it happened. She now wants to be with me and says she'll do anything to get me back. It seems like this pregnancy is her "rock bottom". She doesn't want a life with the OM and stated that her actions disgust her now. She has apparently lost her feelings for the OM and remembered how much she loves me. She proposed counceling saying that she thinks our marriage can still be saved.

My response was one of caution. I told her that for the past 6 months, all she has done is lie to me and why should I believe her now? I said she has to prove that she wants to be my wife by initiating NC with OM and being completely transparent about her thoughts, feelings, and communications. Further, I told her that I would not raise the child as my own and if she wanted to be with me, she would have to give OC up for adoption. Am I being a jerk by insisting upon this? She agreed to all these terms except the adoption part (she says she's not in a place to make that kind of decision yet) but it is obviously too early to see if she'll follow through with action. My final comment to her was that I would wait and observe her actions to see if going to a counselor is worth a shot.

My question is, should I just file right now and potentially save months of counseling and work that has a good chance of failure anyway? I have a suspicion that she is only crawling back to me because of the financial/practical difficulties she would have as a single pregnant mother (I was the main bread winner). Or is this genuine sorrow and repentance that I should honor by offering her another chance? Part of me says that the situation has gotten so bad, that she has done things so abhorrent (especially with getting pregnant) that there could be no future with this woman. In other words, if she is capable of doing this, what other hellish things will she do in the future?

In my mysoganisitc opinion.

Nuke and pave.

That is inexcusable. It's a primary example of her not capable of loving herself.

I don't think anyone would find fault in your decision to divorce.

"Once." So, it was his fault, not hers. That doesn't sound "completely transparent" to me, nor does it sound like one who accepts complete responsibility for her actions. Unless there is a complete change, and fast, she cannot be trusted and if you stay now and kick her out later you need to realize you will be tied to paying for that child for the next EIGHTEEN YEARS!!!

Is that what you want, that 18 year reminder of her unfaithfulness? Sorry (but not really) to be so harsh. Just want to make sure you are looking at all aspects of this.

She's a liar, completely irrespnsible, and wants others, especially you, to cover her mistakes. If you were single does that sound like a woman you would want to date? Sounds like a woman I would run from, and fast.

I don't think you're being a jerk at all. There is no reason on earth that you should have an eternal reminder of her infidelity. Personally, I would insist on an abortion, but you've already said you're both devout Catholics so that's probably not an option, and that's fine.

I suggest you insist on an LSA that gives you full custody of your daughter, and you stay in the marital home. You can keep WW on your insurance, and she can stay with her family while she has the baby. Then if she gives up OC for adoption, you can start discussing the terms of her coming home. If she refuses to give up OC for adoption, then you'll have had full custody of your daughter for almost a year, and will be in the drivers' seat when it comes to custody issues surrounding the divorce.

I think you should talk to someone far more experienced than those answers you've received so far.

If you are a devout Catholic, speak with your priest, or a priest you trust. I can't imagine any woman giving up her own child for adoption. (I know she caused this but think if this were rape, would you force her to give away her flesh & blood just so you wouldnt' be reminded of it).
A child is a gift, no matter the circumstances.

Find a marriage counselor to discuss all of your concerns and issues. Someone more objective than here.

These are difficult questions, and certainly not set to answer just on emotions.

On the flip side, are you willing to give up a chance at an intact family just because she won't agree to an adoption.

JD..
1 get a Divorce..get your daughter and
start a decent life with her..
2. you can alaways reconcile after
see a professinla counselor and have your wifes INTELLIGENCE tested and her personality . is she a sociopath .????
I mean how can a normal women do these things..???
jb

Just an opinion. Newly has a point. If you give your daughter's half sibling away, she may never forgive either of you.

It's not the sort of thing you can ignore. With the internet, it's not as difficult to find your birth parents now, and this could come back to haunt you both - meaning it could have a reverberating effect on your relationship with your daughter if you force the issue of adoption.

I vote for waiting until the baby comes, seeing if she will get marriage counseling, and making a decision later.

Just be cautious about "making a decision later." That is in effect deciding, right now, that you will support this "love child" for at a minimum 18 years. The fact that the child was conceived and born while you two are married and cohabitating almost makes it de facto yours.