Hola, I've got a question regarding what to do with my situation, the main details are in the Just Found Out Section, but I wanted to start another thread to focus on a specific question.

My WW's online affair began shortly after we moved her to Chicago to go to school. At the time, I was being sent to California with the military for 3 months, so we thought as long as we were going to be geographically separated she might as well go to the school she wanted to attend, and then I'd work on trying to find a job there. Obviously, that backfired.

So now here's the Catch 22. I couldn't find a good job in Chicago, so our plan B was to look in the DC area because there was a school there she could transfer to. I got a job offer and am moving there in 1 week. I found out about the affair last week. So now I'm trying to figure out my next move.

At first, I tried to demand she leave school and move with me, which she was very much against and said if I forced that then she would always resent me, so that's not an option. Her student loans and apartment lease end with the spring semester, so the tentative plan is that she will continue to stay in Chicago through the spring semester and then we will re-evaluate where we are at on whether she wants to move to DC. The OM does not live in the Chicago area and they've never met in person.

Here are some ideas I am playing with, and am looking for advice on what you think:
-Not pay for her internet access - so if she wants internet access to continue the affair, she'll have to work to pay for it.
-Just require her to get a job to pay for some of her own expenses, but not specifically the internet to avoid making this an ultimatum.
-Tell her family about the affair.
-End my support for her (essentially plan B) once the apartment lease ends if she won't move to DC to be with me, which will certainly require her to drop out of school in order to support herself.

Basically, I'm kind of in a limbo state because we are geographically separated right now, and probably will be for the next several months. I will make enough money to make frequent visits, but don't know if I should make surprise visits or such. She is totally dependent on me, but I definitely don't want to do anything to push her away, and am worried that if I cut off her internet or tell her family about the affair that it will backfire. I want to try to prove to her that I want this to work and love her, but am unsure of how best to do that when we don't live together - not because we can't stand each other, but because of the circumstances.

Thoughts? Advice?

I would move in with her and get a job in Chicago. This is not going to work unless you live togther. As you can see, living apart has led to the conditions that led to an affair, and unless that is reversed, those conditions can't change.

The thing is I don't know how to make that work... I would love to do that, but because of the timing of all this it's very complicated. I have movers coming on Friday, my first scheduled day is Monday. If I drop everything and get to Chicago, I'm going to run into a situation where I've completely burned my bridges as far as career goes, and I don't think we could make it financially if I do that because I've been trying so hard to find a decent job there but haven't been able to get anything.

I mean, what if I do all this and she still decides to leave me? Then I'm totally screwed because I would have sacrificed everything.

The problem is that you have been placing your careers ahead of your marriage on the priority list and unless that changes, you won't have a marriage. You can always get a job, you can't replace wives as easily. This is hopeless unless you move in with her. She is already so detached from you that she is in an affair. That will not change unless and until the conditions that led to that detachment CHANGE.

Your marriage is screwed unless you move in with her.

See, what you are asking us is the impossible. You are asking us how you can save your marriage while you neglect it in favor of your career. "how can I have a well running car, yet never change the oil, fill the water or air the tires or fix the pinging sound in the engine?" <-----That is what you are asking.

I am telling you that is impossible if you persist in neglecting your marriage and putting it well behind your career. You can see where that has got ya. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

One thing about my new job is a wacky schedule where I work 7 days straight, but then get 5 days off. So I could easily travel to Chicago during that time to stay with her.

I totally get that I need to be with her full time. I'm just trying to find a way of making that work in the short term before I could get there.

Do you think that's better than nothing? Or do you think that it really won't matter unless I'm there full time?

In order for her to fall back in love with you, she needs to live with you and be with you for 15 hours a week, meeting each others needs. The kind of job you have taken not only precludes that, but is the kind of job that often LEADS to affairs in NON-TROUBLED marriages. You have a crippled marriage NOW.

Your marriage is crippled right now, and it wont' get fixed until you are together FULL TIME and stay that way. That job is not good for your marriage in any way.

And listen, I am not being a hardass, I am just not going to lie to you and tell you there is another way. There is not. Y'all should not spend any nights apart EVER AGAIN. That might seem extreme, but its not. I have a great marriage, and when my H goes out of town for even 2 nights, it takes us 2-3 days to feel close again.

I don't think you will save your marriage unless you a) live together b) full time.

I assure you that Dr. Harley would tell you this exact thing and he has been successfully saving marriages for 40 years.

Dr. Harley:

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Entire article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Oh, I'm not taking any offense... honest input is what I'm looking for. Let me clarify one thing about the job - it doesn't take me away overnight... just basically working seven day shifts in a row and then having five days off.

That aside... I know she will fight it if I try to move to Chicago and live with her. #1 because it will certainly put a damper on her online affair, but #2 because she will feel like I'm making too big a sacrifice when she has already told me she intends on seeing the affair through to see where it goes. How would you suggest I deal with that, and how do I get her to stop the affair if she insists it's what she wants?

But isn't that job in another city?


Yes, she probably will resist your moving in because it will interfere with her affair. A falling down drunk also resents it when you take away the car keys from him. But that is the only solution.

And when you get moved back in, repeatedly tell her how hurtful her affair is and do everything you can to interfere with it, such as exposure, contacting the OM, etc. Heck, he may be a married man.

Do you know who he is?

JC,

I am quoting material from your post on the other forum. The information you provided there needs to be included so that a more complete picture can be ascertained.



Is this man married? Do you know his name and contact info?
This is information you will need if you find you need to out the OM with his spouse (if he has one.)

Do you currently provide ALL financial resources for your wife?

I don't understand if the OM is from Maryland and they have never met, why the adamance about staying in Chicago? What difference would it make?

I see a clear conundrum between your wife telling you that she prefers being dominated while telling you that if you insist that she moves with you she will resent you.

If your wife has a thing for being dominated, then you might need to look at some personalized variation of Plan A, since your situation is really a bit outside the norm. If you have the finances for it, will you not consider calling the Harleys in order to get pointed, accurate, professional counseling for your specific situation?

JC, how hard would it be to get out of this job? Have they given you a bonus or anything like that?

I am certainly planning on trying to call tomorrow - I'm just trying to get as much input as I can.

As far as why stay in Chicago, it's mainly because she's in the middle of her schooling, so if she gets pulled out and moves she'll have absolutely nothing to do until the next semester except find odd jobs. That, and "because I'm happy where I'm at." Which of course why shouldn't she be because she's got me meeting most of her needs and the OM filling in the gaps. I know the two of them discussed her meeting him when she moved out to the DC area because he'd be about two hours away.

I currently provide all the finanical resources, which is partly why I'm playing with the idea of telling her she needs to get a job and pay for some of her own expenses, since that will give her less idle time and make her start realizing how hard it will be to make it on her own.

I have no idea about the details of the OM. Desperately trying to figure out who he is to try and expose him, but I get the sense that he's done this before because I have yet to find any communications from him - only emails from my WW to him.

If he is a dominant, then fidelity likely means nothing, even if he is married. And he probably has done this before with many women and doesn't hide it. In that culture there is no need to hide it.[within the culture, that is]

Exposure would be more effective on HER SIDE, however, that is a huge danger NOW since she is so detached because you don't live there. I think strategically, your best bet is get moved in there, work on Plan A and THEN start on breaking up her "affair."

I think it is a bad idea to continue financing her lifestyle, no matter what happens. Essentially, you are contributing to her demise [and that of your marriage] by doing that.

Did you see my question about a job bonus? How difficult would it be to get out of this job committment? What have they invested, if anything, thus far?

Ah, no I didn't see the job question. Thus far, there is no investment - I will receive a signing bonus, but that's basically to cover the relocation to DC. So essentially if I back out the consequence will be burning bridges with my employer.

It's mainly that I've already given notice here, and my last day is Thursday. So if I back out of the new job I'll be suddenly unemployed, and especially since I've been fully supporting her thus far, it would be disasterous financially for both of us.

Then what do you suggest, JC?

Oh, good. I really encourage you to follow up on that.


Do you direct deposit into an account that only has her name on it? Or does she have access to a mutual savings account? One of the things to consider it the need to batten down your finances. It isn't unknown for shared bank accounts to be emptied and credit cards to maxed for 10s of thousands of dollars. Keep that in mind that you may want to consider cancelling any shared accounts you currently have to protect yourself as you work through this.



That means you have his email address? Have you googled it? Your wife had to encounter him online somewhere, so it may be that he uses the same email account on an online forum or group. Did she not ever use his first name in her emails to him? That's another data point. Did he use a hotmail or yahoo account or did he use a more traceable internet access email account?

Secondly, the sad fact is that you can be anyone you want to be on the internet. So, I wouldn't automatically assume that this guy is all that your wife has cracked him out to be - he could be some unemployed sadsack living in his parents' basement.

I just don't know... that's why I'm struggling with this so bad. The timing could not have been worse, and I really don't know how on earth to make it work without ruining us financially. That's why I've been trying to figure out how to hang on until her semester is over, when she'll have to choose whether to make it on her own financially in Chicago, which I don't think she will be able to do, or move to DC to be with me. But of course that's a big risk to try and make it hang for several more months.

I meant to record his email address, but unfortunately didn't before she went back to Chicago. It's just a yahoo address. I'll be seeing her this weekend if this move happens as I travel across the country from Colorado to DC, so I might be able to get a hold of it. I've also been taking steps on the finances, not because I'm particularly concerned about my WW draining accounts, but because she sent all her passwords to this guy. And she doesn't think there's anything suspicious/wrong about that because he's got so much influence on her.

JC, I have no doubt, whatsoever, that there will be a new "reason" to not move in with you in 3 months. I think if you do not move back together, your marriage will be ruined, because this is not going to get fixed until that changes.

Another concern I have is the CROWD your wife has gotten mixed up with. These are real creepy folks who have absolutely NO boundaries at all. She may not be in personal contact with this creep, however, there are CLUBS that cater to this lifestyle in Chicago.

The bottom line remains that you can't recover a marriage unless you are together. Nor can you protect her from this guy.

JC,

I wanted to post a link to some of Dr. Harley's information regarding affairs. Here is the LINK to "How to Survive Infidelity".

I know it may be hard to concentrate on much now, but you are going to have to take the "crash course" and perhaps this will help get you started and give you some idea of Dr. Harley's Marriage Building principles.