I am the WS. I guess that's what you call it. Anyways I have been married for 10 years have 2 daughters 8 and 10. I had a full affair and a few other issues with kissing other guys.I take full and complete responsiblity. I told my H about the affair 4 months ago and we have been seperated since. He didn't want anything to do with me for about the first 3-3 and a half months. We slowly started recovery but I had to confess to him tonight that I yet kissed another guy 2 months ago during our seperation. He took it well but still is probably going to go back to that hurt and anger all over again. I honestly at that time didn't think he would ever want anything more to do with me. I am not making and excuse, I take full responsiblity for my actions.I want to become a good wife and become the person God wants me to be. I have told my H that I am from now on going to keep myself out of situations that I have trouble with...example..no more drinking and no more friendships with guys. Anyways any advice on how to become a better wife and how to become more faithful? I want my marriage more then you can imagine and I truely love him with all my heart but I want to be healed from my actions and I want to make sure this never happens again.
My other question is how can I start to make my marriage work at this point, How can I show my husband I won't do this again and how do I make sure I don't do this again. I would appreciate any advice I can possibly get.

Could you bring your husband here... and together you start working on marriage builders?

Well, let's see, you did have an affair, and when separated did kiss another guy again. So why should your husband think it won't happen again? I can see why he would.

No drinking, and no being around other men sounds like a starting point.

What do you think brought all of this up?

Hi SS, I was just going to go to your post. I am the sister of not2fun. I know she told you a little about me. I have read your post and I must say I am sorry for the situation you are in. I showed him MB tonight before I told him. I don't want to push him to thinking he needs help. I am the one who has the issues and need to fix myself. I want to change not for him but for me. I am just scared that its too late for our marriage.

hi there sister of not2fun... was wondering where she is, and how her weekend turned out.

I am not sure Believer. I mean I have always had to have the feelings of being needed/wanted and I guess I got it from the places I shouldn't have. As far as the kissing goes, (I explained today in a post but deleted because I wanted to tell my husband before my sister read it), its usally when I start drinking and don't stop and get out of control. I realize this and know alcohol needs to stay out of the picture. I want to change believer. I don't expect him not to think I am going to do it again. I want to change and I want to show him this isn't going to be a issue anymore.

I would let him know your plan. You need to keep him safe. No drinking. I wouldn't drink at all, not even around him. No going out with girlfriends, no talking to other men.

How was the marriage before?

Hi! It turned out pretty good but she is upset today. I am sure she will post details soon. I know she doesn't have internet connection for the next week because of some hook up problem. She is at my moms right now so if she gets a chance to get on the computer I am sure she will post. How are you doing?

How was my marriage before? Not good,Not bad. I mean in the last year we did disconnect completely. We had no communication at all. I didn't fulfill him either. But I have also realized we started living a life that we were not use too...parting and drinking alot more. It wasn't healthy. But I am not asking him to change, its me who needs to work on herself. I want the marriage but I also want to fix myself even if the marriage doesn't work out.

"I would let him know your plan. You need to keep him safe. No drinking. I wouldn't drink at all, not even around him. No going out with girlfriends, no talking to other men"

I have told him my plan. I think he is happy with it but I also don't think he knows if he wants to work on it again. but regaurdless, Its time for me to change, I am not happy with myself.I am disappointed and ashamed of myself.

Well, I suggest you stop drinking completely. Is that something you will have trouble doing?

Then see if he will agree to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things with you.

Do you work outside of the home?

I plan on stopping drinking and no it won't be hard. I don't know maybe he will I haven't asked. I have been in counseling for 2 months now and he has gone to the same lady once. But i did try to talk to him tonight to see if he would be interested in changing counselors. He said he would think about it. I want someone who is experienced with infidelity and one who can help me to change. No acutally I work from home.

The way you change is just by changing. Make a plan for your new life, with safeguards and boundaries. Find some family things to do. Spend time with your husband.

I would not ask him to stop drinking since he didn't cheat. Unless his drinking is a problem, that is.

I wasn't going to ask him to stop because like you said its not a problem for him. I am hoping God will give me my marriage back. I am changing and he already sees it but I also know this can't be a short term change ..it has to be a forever change..I want to make a new plan, I want safegaurds and boundaries. I want to be a good wife. thanks for the help believer!

By all means call the Harleys. you'll find no better help recovering from infidelity than the Harleys!

best,
-ol' 2long

Sexual infidelity is a HUGE thing for most men. It hurts their pride, makes them feel inadequate, less than a man, inferior because they couldn't keep their wife happy, and another man could.

It will take a long time for your husband to feel good again, so prepare for that. The horrible hurt starts to fade after a year, but recovery takes longer than that.

If I could afford it I would in a heart beat. I am trying to figure out what book to buy though. It just seems like there is more help out there for the spouse(I am not sure what you guys call it) but not as much for the WS.

I am ready for that. I am ready to make the change I am just hoping and praying he will be on board with that. I don't want to ever make him feel the pain he has again. Its too painful for me to watch.

Start by showing him your changes. It is a waste of time to talk about changes.

Is sex with him happening? Have you been tested for STD's?

Yes we are still having sex and its been good...actually that's not be lacking in our relationship for years. Although my counselor says it should stop since we are seperated, but I know thats how men need there affection and I want to give that to him. No I haven't been tested,and yes I guess its time I do that. He has seen changes in me and I just want to continue them.