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Joined: Nov 2007
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sorry, posted this in the wrong area.
Last edited by Tuco; 01/08/08 12:59 PM.
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Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 6,937
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Here's an article by Harley on the subject---note the comment about not dwelling on the past---but focus on rebuilding current and future behaviors to ensure romantic love. Q/A Column Link
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 158
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Its ok to bring up your feelings (about the past). Just talk to her, ---I'm assuming your wife had the affair?? Do not keep your feelings inside...HOWEVER---dont bash your wife, because you are right, it hinders your recovery. But keeping your hurt inside hinders the recovery as well. MC told me---when the past upsets me and there's no way im going to talk to WH without being destructive---write my feelings in a letter instead, type feelings, talk to a friend, or schedule IC. As long as there's going to be name calling and bashing and you're the worst person in the world for cheating on me yelling screaming DO NOT talk to WS. Save conversations to WS when things are calm and u want the let them know "hey this thing bothers me" or "I still have issues with this"
BS (Me) 27
WH 26
M 03/2005
D-Day 06/20/2007
2 DS: 2.5 years and 1 year old
Plan A 8/04/2007
Plan B 10/06/2007
NC 10/12/2007
On the road to recovery 11/06/2007
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I agree with K's suggestion of not dwelling on the past. I would only add that it must come after you HAVE ALL THE FACTS. Do you have ALL THE FACTS about the past and has every question been answered to your satisfaction?
How does your W explain her comment that she KNOWS how her friend feels to be living a LIE?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 73
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 73 |
Its ok to bring up your feelings (about the past). Just talk to her, ---I'm assuming your wife had the affair?? Do not keep your feelings inside...HOWEVER---dont bash your wife, because you are right, it hinders your recovery. But keeping your hurt inside hinders the recovery as well. MC told me---when the past upsets me and there's no way im going to talk to WH without being destructive---write my feelings in a letter instead, type feelings, talk to a friend, or schedule IC. As long as there's going to be name calling and bashing and you're the worst person in the world for cheating on me yelling screaming DO NOT talk to WS. Save conversations to WS when things are calm and u want the let them know "hey this thing bothers me" or "I still have issues with this" Actually there was no affair, that's not an issue with us. It's just more so knowing that things were bad for so long she lost feelings for me and when I think about those things, or read a comment, it makes me insecure and afraid causing me to act out in hurtful ways.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Requirements for Recovery from an Affair Dr. Harley: The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. entire column at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3370294
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 158
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oh ok
well in that case, look at what you are dwelling on, is it worth it? Pick your battles. Once again do IC.
If you feel insecure, its ok to have wife reassure you. But if she has already lost feelings for you dont help her lose the rest with the LBs. I believe there comes a point where both spouses (particularly the BS--but not in your case) agree to leaving the past behind. And that's when trust is restored, ENs are met, life is better, etc....maybe you guys arent there yet. But when u get there, leave the past alone. For example, if the M is restored and things are going good 5 years after the fact...is just not ok to bring up that thing that happened in OCT 2003. Just my opinion.
BS (Me) 27
WH 26
M 03/2005
D-Day 06/20/2007
2 DS: 2.5 years and 1 year old
Plan A 8/04/2007
Plan B 10/06/2007
NC 10/12/2007
On the road to recovery 11/06/2007
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Joined: Feb 2005
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Tuco has been posting on the EN board, and as far as he knows, there has been no affair.
From what he's describing of his situation, I agree that it isn't likely he is facing an affair situation - just a too-long neglectful husband and a withdrawn wife trying to reconnect when working opposite schedules.
Me: 41, INFP
Her: 46, ESFJ
Married 6/95
B-G Twins
4 yrs recovered from serious neglect on my part.
So happy together!
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Joined: Aug 2007
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working opposite schedules?????
OMGosh....I know something about that. I work 1st shift and my WH works Swing shift with lots and lots of OT. Its very straining on a M.
BS (Me) 27
WH 26
M 03/2005
D-Day 06/20/2007
2 DS: 2.5 years and 1 year old
Plan A 8/04/2007
Plan B 10/06/2007
NC 10/12/2007
On the road to recovery 11/06/2007
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