I discovered WH's secret "friendship" 3 weeks ago. I will go into detail if you want me to, but it is so classic of everything I have read on this site. He is denying a sexual affair. He says he only talks to OW about our marital problems. He finally agreed to stop talking to her 2 days ago, after I was making plans to move out. I am not sure he has, and have not snooped since I discovered the A. He has really convinced himself that this "friendship" was completely innocent, yet agrees that it has been a "catalyst" in the downfall of our marriage. Very contradicting!

What makes our situation even more difficult is that I am having his baby in 4 weeks. And we also have an 18 month dd, that I stay home to take care of.

He has been very cold to me since I discovered the "friendship", unless he wants sex from me. I try to be strong and not cave into that, but I have not been very successful. And then I just feel used afterwards (although the act itself has been incredible lately, go figure). We started MC last week, and he told her that our relationship has been nothing but sexual for months now. That was so devastating to hear.

For awhile he was saying he wasn't going to stay in our house anymore. At that point, I decided I would move in with my mom because I will need help with my babies. Now, he has begged me to stay. I hate living here with him like we are. I miss him so much, and it is painful to feel the distance between us. Especially right now, since I am about to have a baby.

Plan A has been very hard for me to stick with. I feel like he has been cake eating- why should I be nice to him? Do I stop Plan A until I am sure there is NC?

Should I contact the OW? I have her number, but I am not sure what good it will do. Surely she knows that it is completely inappropriate to carry on a relationship with a man whose wife is about to give birth!

He does see her occasionally through his work, but I do not think telling his company would help. His boss is a womanizer and tells WH he should get a divorce and a vasectomy. Real nice!

Any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated!

The number one thing right now is keeping you happy and healthy at the end of your pregnancy.

I would NOT have any sex with him until he has been tested for STD's.

Skip contacting the HO...she will lie to you anyway.

He needs to have no contact...this will mean leaving his job. NON NEGOTIABLE.

Do NOT leave your house unless you need care from your mom, then, go. If you can stay, do so. If one of you is to leave, it should be him.

Suggest a polygraph to prove his claims it wasn't sexual. Watch his response...it will be priceless!

I would suggest that you limit your stress as much as possible. Let him know that his actions will not be tolerated and that you need him t step up and be a man right now. If he doesn't...and he continues seeing this woman during this most precious of times, i would speak to an attorney to protect yourself from any financial damage.

Call the Harley's..BUT remember, your first job is not him...it is the little one you are carrying. I am sorry for what you are having to deal with and wish you the best moving forward.

Definitely stop SF until he is tested. Otherwise you are putting yourself and your baby at risk if he has had a PA.

How do you feel...do you want to stay with him and recover your M? That is a big part of Plan A, and what makes it work. If you are not sure, you cannot really Plan A him, because it is hard enough to put yourself through it when you are completely convinced you want the M. MEDC is right, you have to take care of yourself right now, and if that means asking him to take a leave of absense from the house until you are physically capable of dealing with it, then do so. DO NOT leave if you can help it-he should be the one to go. If you can stand it, try to let him stay, but be very clear that you will not tolerate this kind of behavior from him and that you love him and want to work on the M after you give birth (if that is truly how you feel).

It's up to you right now which course of action you want to take. I am so sorry you are here, and that you have to go through this-especially 8 months pregnant. My prayers are with you!

I just typed a long response and I got a message saying that the form I used is no longer valid!!!!! GRRRR!! This happened earlier today as well. Do I have a limited amount of time to type the response? Please help!

Thank you for your responses! He probably will not get tested- that would mean he would be admitting to me that he had a PA. I doubt he will do that. I am getting tested next week at my next prenatal appointment.

I do not know if I want this marriage or not right now. I am very hurt and confused. How could I possibly want to be with someone who could do this to me at such a critical time?

I would stay here in this house, but I need help!!! I will be having a repeat c-section, and being alone IS NOT an option!

If he changed jobs right now, that might not be in my best interest. He makes good money for the company he is with. He would not get that kind of salary starting new somewhere else. If we get divorced, at least I know I will get decent child support based on what he currently makes.

Puddle,

If you are going to type a long post, do it in Word or the like and then copy and paste it into the entry/reply block. It will time out otherwise.

If you forget and get that message try to hit BACK on your browser. This will usually bring you back to the page with text just prior to you submitting it. Then copy the text, reopen the thread and paste it into the new entry/reply box.

Is the OW married? Do they work for the same company?

As MEDC said, you should not be the one to leave for his adultery. Stay home if you can.

Any chance your M could stay with you for a while? I wouldn't depend on him for anything right now. He has proven that he is incapable of compassion of any kind. Any man who would cheat on his pregnant wife (it's bad enough any other time) is not in his right mind (as are most waywards-male or female). Therefore, you cannot count on him even if he does stay.

As far as the "time out" thing. Use the back button, highlight and copy the text (right click mouse after highlighting and click "copy"), then refresh the screen, and paste the text again (rickt click, then "paste"). That should do it, although sometimes it doesn't work. The other thing you can do if you know your response will be long, is type it up in a Word document first, then refresh the MB screen and copy and paste from the Word document.

If you decide to kick him out and file for D, then let him stay at his job. If you decide you want to work on the M, he must find another job. Don't let him fool you into thinking he won't make the same money. If he looks around first and gets a better job b4 he quits, he will be fine. And a little pay cut is better than losing a M that you want anyways.

Maybe he should pay for a nurse to come in and help you for 4-6 weeks, as well as a house cleaner. He made the mess, he should be (at the very least) willing to help you heal after having his child. If he refuses, get a lawyer. You do not have to file for D yet, but you can get legal advice about how to procede, and to protect yourself, your children and your finances.

If he doesn't get tested, then it's a pretty sure sign that he's had a PA. It's DEFINITELY a sure sign that he is atill an unrepentent, selfish, foggy wayward that cannot be trusted for any of your needs being met. Start snooping, too. Mrs. W (a very well respected member here) always says "inspect what you expect!"

Do whatever of these things that you can do without causing yourself too much stress. Your health and the health of your unborn child is the most important thing right now!!

PD:

Sorry to hear that you are in this situation but you have found the right site.

In my opinion, contacting the OP in the right manner can burst the bubble of the fantasy relationship, thus ending the affair.

If you do contact the OP, be prepared for some blowback from the WS.

Good luck to you,

contacting the Op is almost always a bad idea. they will lie too.

contacting the Op's souse , without warning is the way to go.

{{{{Puddledive}}}}}

I am so sorry you are going through this while pregnant. My WH also cheated on me while I was 6 months pregnant with a female coworker when he began talking to her about both of their personal issues.

There may be a slim chance that he is telling the truth about it not being a PA, but more than likely he is lying. My WH kissed his OW on his way to lunch one day and moved out of the house 3 days later. He didn't admit to a PA until 2 months after he was gone. I assume it became physical within 2 or so weeks.


I also have a young DS he's 2 1/2 it's very upsetting that a father could do this to his children. I was a SAHM until recently as well.

Your WH's remark about your marriage being only about SF is probably affair fog talk. If you go to the "just found out" board and read the notable posts at the top of the page, you will find lots of references to what WS say while in an affair. Most of it centers around rewriting the marital history and other distortions to justify their behavior.

It is best if you can ignore what he says until withdraws from his OW have subsided. Very hard to do I know.

He needs to be willing to write her a NC letter and get on finding a new place of employment. He will probably think it's crazy to do this, but really, when he comes out of his fog he will understand how painful it is for you for him to be around her all day at work. He will also come to see that he is vulnerable to acting on his feelings with her the more he is around her.

He may not see that right now, so that is why you need to stress the importance of it to him and continue to snoop as much as possible.


It would be best to not leave your home unless you want to give your WH more opportunities to see or talk to the OW without you around. Basically leaving the home is enabling the affair.

I had no choice in my situation since my WH moved out 3 days after he kissed his OW at work.

I also had a repeat c-section and it was a difficult 2 weeks. My WH offered to come home, but didn't so I relied on my mom for help.

Again, if you go to the notable posts section in the "Just found out" part of the board, you will see the purpose of plans A and B.

You do continue to plan A even if your WH is in contact. However, you also do stress the need for him to end contact with the OW without doing any LBs. You can furthermore say how hurtful the affair is if HE brings it up outside of counseling. Some of the other vets can give you some more hints about doing a good plan A. My plan A was not so hot either, so I really feel for you there.


HA! I thought the same thing about my WH's OW. I did call her and had a 15 minute conversation with that two faced woman. She knew I was pregnant too, but didn't care. You sort of can't if you are going to cheat I think.

She lied and said she would give my WH and I some space for a month to work on our problems. She saw him the next day.

So theres' really no point in talking to her. If she is so heartless as to cheat with your WH she couldn't care less about you.


Yeah, this is frustrating. My WH's boss is a woman and when I talked to her she was about as cold as ice to me. She said there was really nothing she could do because she didn't get involved in her employee's personal lives and recommended I get counseling.

Regardless of the reaction you think you might get, I would expose to his other coworkers. I did this also and it really ticked the boss off and she had a talk with both my WH and the OW. I heard my WH's boss told the OW she was very disappointed in her and both my WH and the OW considered quitting for a time. The OW now seems to be hated by half her office and is thinking about moving (though it's highly unlikely).

Exposure really is helpful for putting a damper on the affair. No longer can they sneak around pretending they are "just friends". Your coworkers will be watching.

I hope you are taking care of yourself. And definitely get your WH to have an STD test. If he was innocent, he should be more than happy to provide you with a clean test to prove his fidelity. Refusal just makes him seem like he's lying.

Again, I am very sorry you are going through this and I will also be praying for you.

Sara

Saralynn- It sounds like you can relate quite a bit with what I am going through. Lucky us.

WH does work for the same company as this girl. He travels all over the state to many different buildings. She works in the corporate office about 1 1/2 hours away from here. She is 23 with no husband and no kids.

I just got off the phone with WH and I am quite upset. I just don't think I can do this right now. We only had 1 car and it is in my name. On Dday, I told him I was taking my car back. He took over a truck payment from his friend and now drives this gas guzzler all over for his job. He told me he would be staying up North a day or two a week to avoid the gas expense. I thought I could probably handle that. Well, I guess I can't. He just told me he is not coming home tonight and I freaked. I was hoping he wouldn't do that for awhile. Now, I have to worry about him being with her tonight (she lives up there).
I am upset and crying and he thinks I am being ridiculous. This just isn't going to work. I can't be worrying about which nights he will be home or not. This is too stressful. Perhaps he needs to just stay somewhere else every night so I can get used to him not being here. I think I better get out of the house for awhile.
Thank you all for listening and giving me advice.

I'm sorry Puddledive, this so hard.

He is making excuses to stay away now...not good. I know you are angry and upset right now. I was too. I went through a 3 week period where I only got 3 hours of sleep a day, cried every hour and almost stopped eating.

It was horrific. I felt anxious all the time and walked around like a zombie in a complete state of shock.

However, I am going to tell you that you NEED to get your husband back home if you can. Pushing him out is giving him the excuse he needs to further his relationship with his OW.

Now, this is not to say that HIS choice is YOUR fault at all! But if you can get him home, please do it even if you feel that you hate the very sight of him.

The reason being is that I am on the other side of this thing now...six months later. I wished I would have tried everything I could to keep my WH home. I know it would have made his affair far more difficult than it was with him gone.

Your WH is making a HUGE mistake by having an affair. He doesn't see it now, but he will someday. If you can use any of your influence or that of your friends/family to bring him home you need to do what you can to keep him from making this grave error.

It is hard that the BW must be the one to make the right choice in this situation because it is unfair and so devastating. Doing all this while pregnant is almost overwhelming. But if you can do whatever it takes to keep from enabling his adultery, you and your children (and even your WH if he comes out of his fog) will thank you for it.

Do you have a good support system around you right now? Relatives or close friends to lend you emotional support? You will need to surround yourself with people who will care for you right now during this distressing time.

Please expose this affair to your WH's family and your own if you haven't already and try to get him back into your home.

Keep checking up on here and feel free to email me if you need to talk at any time.

I will try my best to help you avoid making the mistakes I did.

Sara

Dear Puddle

I know how you feel i found out a month after my daughter was born that my husband had been sleeping with a ho since i was 6 months pregnant. he told me he loves her and that she is more imporatnt to him than i am. He knows the grass is greener this time and she is worth it and i am not.

I know the pain you are feeling and i wish i could take it away. Please know that you are not alone and anytime you need to vent please come here there are people here to cheer you on and support you

OK- So he called me back and said he was on his way home. HE IS FURIOUS. He was cursing me out so bad I hung up on him twice. He is angry that he will not meet a deadline tonight and he will have to drive back up there first thing in the morning. He is completely befuddled at why I cannot trust him right now. I think it is stupid that I even have to explain myself and why I am so upset.

We fought for 20 minutes until I decided the conversation was completely unproductive. He just swore to me that he broke off the friendship like I asked him to do. Of course he also mentioned that he shouldn't have had to. He really believes that he has done EVERYTHING I have asked him to do. I really want him to admit that what he did was wrong- but he won't.

He is saying that I am being very insensitive of everything he is going through right now. I try not to laugh out loud when he says this- but I can't help myself. Is he that clueless about what this is doing to me??? How selfish!

So, he will be home in a few hours and it is sure to be very uncomfortable. Just like you said, Saralynn. But, at least I will know where he is and what he is doing. We both agree that this just isn't going anywhere right now, but I don't know what else to do.

Probably a lie or certainly not his long term plan.


Very foggy and very wayward. He now has set himself up so that when he does break NC he will blame you.


He believes he has done enough to appease you.


You are pregnant and he committed adultery and he is worried about his feel goods? Total wayward blame shift.


Puddle,

Plan A hard.

No relationship talk.

No love busters.

The affair will never really end as long as they work together.

Look into getting an NC letter sent but remember unless they achieve a level of NC for life you can not move forward in recovery.

Continue to read. Did you get Surviving an Affair? It is a must read for you right now.



In the mean time:

“Peps” The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm, comfortable and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking and not asking for acknowledgment, approval or anything in return.

Stop all lovebusting behaviors. These include selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, annoying habits, independent behavior and dishonesty.

Communicate with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remain open to the possibility of recovery.

Offer forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking of the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicate the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establish boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Stand up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.



DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. Repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tomorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

Ok..this is a very good thing believe it or not.

Now, you are going to have to do some serious work at this point. As unfair as it seems, you are going to have to put your hurt feelings aside for the moment and avoid LBs.

That means no angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, etc.

Have you read the notable posts section yet on plan A?

It is best to not do anything to upset the WS at this point because he is clearly in his affair fog right now. He does not see the harm of what he is doing and if you come at him with your anger he is just going to give himself more justifications to continue his "friendship". After all, the more you fight, the more he has to complain to the OW about right?

So, if he begins cussing at you (if at all humanly possible) keep your temper and express to him that he is hurting your feelings and walk away. Do not engage him in an argument even if he is trying his best to pick a fight.

I personally, have a terrible time not getting sarcastic or crying in the face of my WHs fits of temper so I do understand that this is EXTREMELY difficult.

I hope some vets will chime in here to give you some pointers on this.

Please read the 1st four posts on Just Found Out.

And try to remain as calm as possible in all interactions with your WH.

I will be praying.

Sara

Puddledive,

You just received some excellent advice from Chrisner.


Study up and stay calm!

Sara

remember...your M is not the primary focus here. Your baby is. Do what you can so long as it does NOT impact your health.

Your baby comes before the liar you call your H.

Wanted to say that you are not alone. I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and found out 3 weeks ago that my H was involved in a 5 months PA...the EA was about 7 or 8 months. It is killing me. I worry so much for the baby, since sleeping and eating are irregular. My H is a pilot, so I totally relate to the fears that come when a WS travels. It is torture. So far, these are the things that helped me:

Expose the Affair
Establish NC
Set up Extraordinary Procautions
Get individual counseling
Get marital counseling

And I know that it seems totally unfair, and the fact that you have to suffer through this at all IS unfair, but try to meet as many of his needs as possible. In a sense, you are trying to be more lovely than the OW. Make your H see what he is missing if he chooses her over you.

Try to talk about the affair / your marital relationship only at designated times, because doing so decreases the feelings of love each of you have for each other.

Hugs to you. This sucks, I know. But we CAN get through it.

Wow, I really can relate to your brokenheart. I didn't know (though I knew deep down inside-I was in denial) that my WH was sleeping around w/more than 1 woman (so I've heard). I left the house b/c his own mother once told me that her son would beat on a woman before putting her out. I didn't want to take that chance...even if it meant staying in a shotgun house.

We have a 2.5 year child together and I was pregnant 7 mos at the time I found out. Yes I was VERY heartbroken, angry...I checked myself into the hospital after a huge argument and they did a pelvic exam on me. I found out I had trichomoniasis!! And you know what's so funny...he tried to deny giving me Trich telling me I gave it to myself from not keeping myself clean! Unbelievable, the man that should've protected me and cherished me GAVE me and our unborn child an STD. I thank God I caught it before it did any harm (Trich can cause sac to rupture)..or worse HIV. Then 6 weeks after my postpartum check up, I found out he also gave me HPV.

And the man 'till this day does not care. I was even extremely sick with hyperemisis during the last month and a half...I couldn't keep anything down, not even ice chips. Me and my baby lived on IV fluids and TPN fluids. I let him know where I was...and called after I gave birth...didn't bother to call.

I'm in another state and it's almost been 8 mos since we've last seen each other a couple of weeks since I've spoken to him.

At first I was VERY devastated, trying to psychoanalyzing him...reason w/him...

but then I started reading my Bible everyday and praying..also came upon this forum which is Godsend...the people here gave me very good and realistic advice. (you can read my first post).

Now I am more at peace b/c I see and know my self-worth. I feel God hasn't released me to file for divorce, but I told my WH I wasn't going to. I look at my kids and tell myself my WH is the one missing out. Now with a clearer mind and vision for the future I feel GREAT!

Trust me, you WILL start to get past the hurt...it just takes time and forgiveness...

I suggest like others have to stop sleeping with him. Not only for the sake of your self-worth. But also for your health and the baby's health.

I don't know if you're saved, but put God first, seek Him.

Have a plan. Plan A, or B...make a life for yourself and your children. Be prepared either way. I'm taking my prequisites for nursing school right now. I only have to take 5 classes! I'm applying for the ADN program here at a local college and an accelerated BSN program at another school. In a couple of years I WILL be a registered nurse!

After all of the hurt and pain I've realized that I have to do what's best for me and my children.

Keep posting and keep praying.