He explained that anger is a secondary emotion driven by some other feeling (I've heard this before in a completely different context). In my case now, it's the hurt I feel about what he's done and is doing that's driving my anger. I'm showing anger without expressing the hurt that is the root of it. He told me that I must express the anger, but I must also express the hurt. All I've said about the hurt to WH so far is that I'm hurt. C says I should be working toward getting it all out on the table, not just part of it. He did say that I can't do it all at once most likely and that much of this will come in stages. That's what most others here have said, too. I'm not trying to defend my C, just trying to clarify what he's saying.

He has truly been trying to keep me focused on me and how I'm feeling. He listens to details of what has happened and then we move to what I'm doing and feeling. He helped me prioritize the most important things I need to focus on today because I told him that is a concern for me at this time - being unable to focus on important pieces of my life.

I don't know if I'll stay with him or not - it kind of depends on where things go with my M. If we end up working with Jennifer, then I'll probably drop the IC at least for a while.

KLD,
I am so sorry that tonight did not go well. I was hoping that at the very least there would be SOME discussion and at least a small admission of wrong-doing on his part.

I am thinking that he has NO intention of telling you anything or having any kind of discussion with you.

I also think he will be VERY surprised when you file for D. He clearly thinks you are going to do nothing at all.

And I am sure he DOES want to keep the M..as long as he can keep the rest of it too. He is trying to figure out how to tell you what you WANT to hear, NOT what you need to hear. My H told me that he used to figure out just what to say so that I would believe we were ok and he could keep going down his chosen path. He correctly labeled it as "patronizing".

Please don't fret about breaking your promise to yourself. The only one who has broken promises that matter here is your H.

I don't think you really can make any mistakes at this point. Anything you do is going to be just fine. Talk to him if you want, don't talk to him if you don't want. Lb or don't LB. Take care of yourself first and foremost. He is not putting forth ANY effort here at all. Not even giving you the decency of a conversation.

I know it may not feel like it right now with the heavy pain of infidelity weighing you down, but you are a wonderful person who deserves the best in life.

But you know, the tide might still turn. I can not help but think that if he sees that you are not going to take this lying down that he may have a change of heart

I am pleased that I misunderstaood what your C was saying to you.

Prayers and bleesings coming to you,
WH2LE

Thanks EO and Melody - I think I did almost wait too long to confront because I am so analytical and just kept wanting more data. I don't think I've hurt myself by doing it the way I've done it - at least I'm comfortable with where I am in the process so far. I'm not happy with his responses and his continued lack of honesty and I hope I deal with that the right way as time goes on.

The one thing I need to say out loud is that I have a very tight window of opportunity for him at this time. He has been so deceitful over the past year with his work history and how he's used my support and loving nature to further his ability to carry on this A. I have almost no tolerance for any error on his part going forward. I haven't shared that with him yet, however I will do so when we do finally talk again. I will not tolerate continued contact with this woman or any of the others. I will go to D so fast his head will spin because this deceit has gone so far, so deep, and he has been so selfish and thoughtless.

KLD,
Remember that not being able to concentrate and having difficulty with prioritizing is a side effect of stress, ANY kind of stress.

It will continue to be difficult to carry on as usual. That's why it's so important to take care of yourself.

WH2LE

I need to get away so badly and have some time to relax and enjoy being away from my stress. One of my friends has suggested we get together in MIA in March for a long weekend to go to a spa and lay on the beach. I understand the need to not leave a WH alone to get with OW again, does anyone have any ideas on other things that I could try if this isn't a good option.

I'd actually thought he was going to want D and if that was the case it probably wouldn't matter if I went away for a weekend. Now it seems that I may need to keep him in my sight but that would mean no weekend getaway to pamper myself and reconnect with my girlfriend who has been so very understanding and supportive through this.

IF and I know this is a big IF, he wants to work on the M, the two of you can go to the spa or some other kind of vacation place for a weekend or more. Dr. Harley actually recommends this. My H and I did it because we already had a 2 week trip planned and truthfully, I think it saved us.

AND....if you are going to file for D or go tp Plan B...then that would be the PERFECT time to go on a trip with girlfriends.

I say start planning your trip. Win/Win for you.

WH2LE

Hon, why do you have to keep an eye on him? It will NOT be your job to police him. If you have to, take out a loan and hire the PI full time to do that for you. If you try to keep tabs on him for the next 1, 3, 5, 10 years, you will only succeed in driving yourself crazy. You deserve better. Let someone else do the policing, and live the live you need to live, for you. You deserve it.

KLD, normally when someone here drags their feet like that,[or what appears to be foot dragging] it is because their EMOTIONS are driving the ship and they are paralyzed with fear. This is why so many were pushing you to act. The ones who usually fare the BEST are the ones whose logic and reason is in control, which I believe is the case with you. I think you will come out of this just fine, no matter what the result. I am not so worried about you today.

hi sweet k,

well here is my 1 cents worth - i think you should go on a mini trip to anywhere asap for your mental health and well being.

if he contacts the warthog ow it is not as though it is the first time and most likely will not be the last time. your love for him has not stopped him in the past. you living in the same house with him has not stopped him in the past.

i know this is most likely not in accordance with mb but gee, when do you count? you have had more patience than a saint and you are not the one who is causing all this discord in the m.

it seems he would like to just bury the a in the kitty litter hoping you will just let it go as though this is normal.

please think of yourself and take some time for you. you deserve this.

kld, i have been so impressed with how you have been so civil to him i have learned so much from you. i started reading your thread way back when i saw some of me in the issues your dh had in his claim he could not get over some things in the past.

along the way it became obvious he and i had zero in common but you have taught me so much about compassion. you are amazing in your strength and maturity in how you have handled this awful situation he brought upon you.

please take some time for yourself. you deserve it. go and get pampered for a few days. you so deserve it.

hugs ....

What would happen if you filed for separation vs. divorce? Can that be done?

Thanks to everyone for the support. Looking forward to tonight to hear what he may say.

Valentine - I don't know about sep vs D in GA. I can do some research because that may be an option I should check into. Thanks.

Many of you have said - and I agree - that he is getting his story straight or doing some maneuvering with OW before he talks to me. I'm trying to decide if I go ahead and start exposing to OW family now or wait to hear what he says first. Also, is a letter or a phone call more effective to OW mother and siblings? I'm thinking a letter is better because I don't want to get flustered on the phone or backed into a corner. Thoughts on timing and method?

Also, last contact w/ OW#2 was 2/1 and nothing since. I don't have her name or her address - just cell phone number. Should I leave this one alone or go ahead and expose now or tomorrow?

Expose now, and by phone.

Just state the facts.

You can do this.

~ Marsh

KLD, I have been thinking about this. You can read these ideas and take away what might work for you.

Your husband is saying he has NC OW#1, yet you can see online that he texting.

Ask for his phone when he gets home. If he gives it to you, say that you want him to set up on online account to monitor activity. He might say he already has. Have him access it in front of you. Say from this day forward, for every text message that appears on the online counter, you'd better find a text message still saved on his phone.

If he argues privacy, tell him he has lost all rights to privacy.

While you have his phone, get in your car. Drive to a park. Call the OW#1 (from his phone so she will pick up.) Ask her what he's promised her. Tell her what's been going on, how he is confessing that he is plotting a story. Tell her you'd like the truth from her. She may be anxious to tell you the truth. She may be anxious to lie. Or your husband may have asked her to clam up. But give it a shot.

Ask every question you've had on your mind. If he has been promising to divorc you and marry her, appeal to her moral (?) side. Were you aware he has a life insurance policy out on me (to you $150K is not a lot, but in her book it will be.) Did he speak of your death at anytime? Mention that you had an illness, etc.?

No OW wants to think that their lover is a potential killer -- unless they are depraved of course. Get her wheels turning.

Appeal to the side of her that wants a smooth divorce. Tell her you have thought of granting him a divorce and making it easy on him, but that he has his name on your retirement fund. Say if she can convince him to sign off on those, you hate him enough to give him a quick divorce. But otherwise you will fight it, and it will cost both sides $1000s of dollars, plus drag the divorce out on and on. Mention that if you have to go this route to get his name off your monies, you will have to drag her into court too. Any money he gave her with a check, on a debit card, etc. will have to be repaid to you. But if she can get him to sign off, you would let it go in order to start a fresh life. (How much of this is true or isn't? Doesn't matter.)

Offer her a carrot. Say you suspect he is seeing one, maybe two, other women, but that you aren't sure. So far they are just phone numbers. If she succeeds in convincing him to sign off, you will give her all the data you have on those two. She could call them herself and find out.

At the end of the conversation, ask her permission to hold onto her number and contact her in the future. You will need that permission in case your husband suggests she file for harrassment, etc., in the future.

I wish you the best.

I recommend wait. If he stonewalls, and you choose D, then it really won't matter.

Threadjack -
Hi Mel, you are doing Great! Keep it up.
I think the help KLD is getting on this thread is wonderful.

KLD,
Unless you think he will move swiftly to take, or control your assets, there is probably no hurry for you to make a decision. What I mean is, don't worry so much about what he will do, and what you will do. Relax (easy for me to say) a little bit. Spend your time tonight LISTENING, not thinking how you will react, or reply. Try to get inside his head a little bit. Use your time to draw him out, and get him to talk. If he is trying, this will help you see that. IF he is not, it will give him enough rope to hang himself.

You really are doing well considering what is happening. If you can concentrate on what he is saying, and not on what you want, I think you will get much further in conversation.

So far it doesn't look good (continued texting.) I know many people who had a difficult time giving up smoking, but they really wanted to quit, and they did quit over time. Maybe he really will repent, we just don't know at this point. What he has been doing really is an addiction, and even if he means well, it won't be easy for him to give it up.

You haven't made up your mind yet, so you may as well use all your listening skills to draw him out, and not worry so much about what you will say in return. Your side can be as simple as "I'll take a few days to think about what you have said, and I'll get back to you."

Perhaps I should be angry with him also, but I feel sorry for him, bordering on pity. If he doesn't make this work, he will regret it forever. Forever is a very long time to be haunted.

I don't feel sorry for you. I wish it were different, but I have faith you will be fine no matter what. I do respect you, and believe in you.

Are you doing OK today?

SS

I think the longer you wait to expose the more time your WS has to make exposure ineffective. I am highly suspicious of all the contact between WS and ow. All the more time to make you out to be the bad guy.

Exposure without warning and without delay is the most effective.

Just MVHO. Take care KLD, you are doing great so far.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

edited to add that I agree with MelodyLane that you should wait until after you have had your talk with WS.

KLD, can you stop on your way home and pick up a tape recorder? Place it on a bookshelf or something, and just keep it running all night, with new tapes every time he leaves the room so they won't run out?

I love valentine's ideas.

Plus, if you're afraid you'll get flustered, I don't have a problem with the letters. But make sure you send them certified, so they have to sign for them and you have a receipt. You never know what you might need in court.

I tried to call OW#2 and got VM. Didn't leave a msg. I think I'm going to wait and see what he says tonight before exposing to OW#1 family. The deal with her is that I know so much about her and I'm not certain exposure there will help anyway. She is such a true low-life, that her family very well may be just like her. If so, they won't care any more than she does about my family.

Anyway, I have alredy exposed to all my family. My mom is going to write him a letter. Question about this - she is very angry and very hurt with him about this, too. She is willing to rebuild her relationship with him if he and I work this out. Should she tell him he is still welcome in our family if he does his part to restore our M? Should she just tell him how disappointed and hurt she is? She wants to write this letter and I don't mind if she does. I just don't want it to hurt instead of help. If we D, she can say whatever she wants and I don't care!!!

Cat - I already have a small recorder. I plan to use it tonight if I can get it in place when he is out of the room.

SS, I don't understand, why not expose? Isn't that a critical part of Plan A? He's still wayward. Why not give their marriage the best possible chance?

I agree, let him explain his position tonight and THEN make a decision about how you want to proceed.


Hi ss! So glad to see you are posting to KLD! You are a great help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />