{{{KLD}}} It sounds really good, considering. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm happy for you!

Has OW been trying to contact him?

KLD, thanks for the update. It sounds like your H is coming around and slowly waking up. You are in good hands with Jennifer!

As far as I know OW has not been contacting him, but there's always that chance. He seems to be a little moody sometimes, but most of the time he seems alot like his old self.

I don't see the sudden good mood after a down time that others have described indicating that contact has been made, but who knows?

I'm doing my best to trust him where I can and verify where I can. If a dinner meeting with boss or other work thing comes up, I plan to use my PI to verify. I know I don't have a job right now, but my credit card can handle it until I find my next job. I can always do temp work if necessary!!! LOL Maybe I'll become a PI!!! LOL

I think things with Jennifer are working pretty well - much better than I expected. He said he really likes her and her approach.

He also said he likes the phone coaching much better than face to face - he said it was easier for him to admit the truth and talk candidly to an impartial third party that he didn't have to see. Scheduling is much easier, too.

I'm more hopeful at this point than I have been in some time. I still don't know for sure that there's no contact, but I'm to the point where I know as much as I can. His attitude seems to be getting slowly better and that's a big help.

BTW - I know the "attitude" comment sounds like a DJ - didn't mean for it to, though. Just couldn't think of a better word at the time...

I have been wanting to do a longer post with some tips for recovery, but I haven't had the time to do it. I hope this short one gives some help.

You have an advantage if you are talking to Jennifer on a regular basis. I am very happy about that.

Over the years I have heard many on MB say that the recovery was more difficult than getting the affair to end was. Think about that one for a while. Please don't get depressed <grin> but think about it. The same ones who relate how difficult it is nearly always say it is worth the effort.

More stuff -
The four rules apply to both of you. He needs to protect you, but you need to protect him too. Sometimes people are angry for a long time, and we tend to soft pedal it when it's the BS who is angry. After all, you have been through a lot, and you have a right to be angry. True?

I know Jennifer has already touched on it with you, and I am sure she did a good job, but remember that care and protection go both ways. It hurts to find out what your WS has been doing, but it's not likely that it will all come out unless they feel safe enough to do it.

Finally, (and we have touched on this before.)
It is never OK to cheat, and that is not your fault that he did. However, you need to look at the state of the marriage pre-A and create a "state of the marriage" picture. Then you need to examine it and see how it could be made better, and do your part in that. If there were problems, and they were 99% his fault, and 1% your fault, all you can do it work on your 1%.

I am not assigning fault at all, and I am not suggesting you caused any problems, but there are usually things we can improve upon. Making the improvements always improves our happiness levels, and aids in recovery. When someone wrongs us, we sometimes assign blame, and in our mind we feel they ought to take whatever we dish out. After all, they deserve it. In recovery, you just have to ask your self what gives you the best chance to get what you want, and then do that, even if it means you continue to do much of the work. I think you understand this part.......... can you make it work?
I believe you can. No, I am sure you can if you want to.

Are you sure you want to? <another big grin>

It is good to see you already looking for jobs, and actually making progress. I am so glad you are able to look at what needs doing, and keep doing it. That is healthy, and it means you are the kind of person that can make this work. I know that it takes lots of energy to keep going through these kinds of trials though, and you are in two at once.

Please know that we care, and that prayers continue.

Thanks for the update, I won't worry quite as much now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SS.

I really haven't had much time to post lately and I really haven't had that much to report. The past week was fairly calm though no new real progress was made in my opinion towards recovery.

Tonight, WH opened up alot more and we had a discussion that started out as a drive by. I asked him a question expecting a one word answer and he responded with a paragraph. He said he had been looking for a way to bring up his ideas of moving forward but it seemed like he always said the wrong thing. He decided to take the opportunity to tell me about his ideas.

He wants to devote at least 2 nights every week to relationship talk with each of us taking responsibility for the topics on each night. He suggests we keep notes so we don't lose track. He wants to use his time to tell me the details about his A so that I can get the details I need and he can get past his guilt about it. I don't know if Jennifer made any of these suggestions to him or not, but I was so pleased that he finally took the initiative with a plan for taking steps forward.

He has been making his cell phone and car available. His bank records are available. I don't have email access, but I plan to ask for that next and see what his response is.

I asked him tonight how he really feels about OW. He said he understands why I see what I see about her and he sees many of the negative things he didn't see before. He said he actually even feels a little used and said he would explain more about that when we talk further this week. I imagine it's probably because of all the money he gave her.

WH actually said tonight that he believes if we kept going like we have been that we may not end up recovering. He said that he knows we have to take a more proactive approach and he is starting to see value in doing that. This week will probably be a big one for us because it will kind of be put up or shut up on his part. If he follows through, I'll be more hopeful that we are on the right track.

Sounds VERY PROMISING!!!!!!!!! Watch for actions.

KLD,



That IMHO is progress. I could have written this 4 years ago about my FWH. OW saw him as some sort of cash cow who would solve her numerous financial problems. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Little did she know that I was the one with the fat income, not FWH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Who

I do feel like we're making progress. The conversation last night was him talking more than me. That almost never happens!!! LOL

He explained his viewpoint on things last night that he hadn't explained before. He says he believes that we need to take things slowly and not rush because we run the risk of missing something that could be a big deal later. He said that if he's taking things too slow for me, then I should let him know.

I think OW did play him. He said he is so ashamed of what he did and what he allowed to happen. He also told me that my willingness to forgive him and save our M is something he is thankful for, but that also makes him feel worse about what he did sometimes. He says he doesn't believe he really deserves the second chance. He isn't turning the second chance down, though.

I'm cautiously encouraged. Waiting to see what he does to back up his words.

It sounds good. I have a question, though, and I'm sorry if you don't want this brought up, but what about the other women? Weren't there others? Has he discussed them?

There was one more woman he had been contacting though not regularly. She was a woman he used to work with before he moved to GA. He says no EA there, they were just friends. I did call her and she was very apologetic. She did know he was remarried (she also knew his XW), but she says she didn't know I didn't know he had a friend in MA that he was communicating with. He says he realizes not telling me about her was wrong. He was so caught up in his thinking about his A that he justified everything he did.

The other issue was that he had signed up for a dating service. He apologized for doing this and said he really never went back to it after he signed up the first weekend. His account info and email on his profile verifies that he's telling the truth here.

KLD, thanks for coming back in to let us know that you're okay. It strikes me as so brave how you're going forward so far. Your husband is so fortunate to have you, and it sounds like he didn't even realize what an amazing, brave woman he has, but that he's know starting to wake up and see.

How are you doing, healthwise and spiritually? (((KLD)))

Thanks for clarifying about the other woman. I just had to ask because from what you wrote pre-exposure, it just seemed like you had built up a case for him doing a lot of...sneaky behavior. That's just the sense I got from your posts. And now it just seems like he's giving you a momentary brainfart explanation - "I think OW did play him" - and that you might be settling for that explanation, since he's now working with you instead of against you. It just made me uncomfortable that, pre-exposure, you seemed to feel he was really good at lying and sneaking, but now you don't mention it.

I'm just afraid that he could still be saying what he needs to, to get the result he wants - not getting kicked out of his house. And from my experience, people who are good liars don't just turn it off. They can't. It's part of who they are.

We're not there, of course, so we're just guessing from our side. So if I'm off base, I apologize. I don't want to cause you any extra pain. I just want to make sure you're not experiencing rose-colored wishful thinking, and are protecting yourself.

One more question, though. Did you send the NC letter and expose? I don't remember seeing that here. I remember the mother being contacted, but not the OW. You said he told C that he had done it verbally, was that right? If so, it worries me that you are not personally getting the closure you might need to feel safe. Sorry if I'm dragging this out unnecessarily, it's just we haven't seen you much so I'm afraid that you might have allowed things to slide, in favor of the fact that he says he's cooperating.

btw, any more luck on the job front? You can always move to Houston, we have tons of jobs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

EO - thanks for asking about the other things. My health is better and spiritually I'm alot more grounded. These are new statuses, however, and I'm doing the things I can to keep it that way. I have a second IV treatment this week for the Crohn's Disease and that will be good to get another dose in my system. I believe it's already working along with the other medication.

Spiritually, I'm able to pray and read the Bible again without feeling desperate. I'm understanding alot more about my own tolerance levels and motivation. I just feel better emotionally. I'm still on ADs, but haven't had to take anti-anxiety meds for almost 2 weeks. I'm happy about that. I will stay on the ADs for as long as it takes to ensure I'm going to stay stable and in control.

Cat - I do understand why you have the questions and it does make sense. I did give the details of a pretty strong web of lies woven by my WH. He was doing all the things I found - it's just that there was an explanation for the OW2 in MA. His keeping that communication secret was deceitful on his part - no way around that. I do believe him that these conversations were platonic but the potential was definitely there for it to graduate to something more. He says he understands that danger now.

The other things he has stopped doing and shown me proof of that. To the best of my knowledge and ability to verify, he is not involved in online dating or porn.

The biggest issue we had was OW1 - it was a PA and he was givign her money. His biggest and most frequent lies were about her so that is the top of the list of things we're working through right now. The other stuff is what I found out when I was getting details and proof about OW1.

In looking back, his lies started when he started his A with OW1. This has been going on and off for about 3 years, but most intense the past 7-8 months. I'm still learning some of the details, but I have most of what I need to move forward. I did realize that he hadn't always been a big liar, but I did doubt many things that I'd taken for granted.

He isn't getting a pass. We're still in MC. He's still sleeping in the guest room. We have a long way to go. I still have my file that includes all the details and documentation I need if he has a relapse. This file is in a safe place. He's sharing the info I've asked for in the way I've asked for it. I still watch closely and will continue to do so.

Then I'm happy for you. {{{KLD}}}

I'm so glad you were strong and smart enough to handle this so well. I think you have a good chance at a better future. Have you told your friends, so that they can keep an eye on you - and for you? Are you spending time with them, to get some outside TLC?

Thanks, Cat. I know we have some rough road ahead. Last night was a "scheduled discussion" that WH had said we need to do every week. Twice, actually. One where I facilitate and one where he does. I was in charge last night and he wasn't feeling well. Didn't sleep well the night before and had a very bad day at work. The talk didn't go so well. He actually had me feeling like he was back on the fence. I don't think he really was, just that he was having a bad day and night. It was discouraging to me.

Today he seems much better, though still a little distracted because of his work issues this week. He is still a bit stubborn and this will take more work for me to find the best way to deal with that.

I actually took anti-anxiety tablets last night for the first time in a while and it helped. When I went to get them I felt a bit like a failure, but quickly talked myself out of that theory and ended up okay.

I realize he's going to have up days and down days. I just wish we could have a longer string of good days!

I'm in plan A and I have to keep reminding myself of why I'm doing this and that being strong and consistent is the key.

I have told my friends that we're moving in the right direction, but I haven't had a chance to spend time with them very much lately. I hope to change that in the next few weeks and meet for lunch or drinks.

My job search is taking up a good bit of my time right now - as it should. Getting back to work will be a good thing for me and my mental well-being.

A question for vets -

One of my WH biggest hangups is seeing my family again. He knows they're aware of his A, though he doesn't know exactly how much they know. He has mentioned about 3 times that he isn't sure he can face them because of his guilt and shame. He had a great relationship with my dad and he loves my mom to pieces and she is the same way about them.
He also knows that my brother and SIL know and he has great admiration for them.

How have others handled this? Is it something that time will take care of in most cases?

I should also note that my family is very supportive of reconciliation and truly hope that happens. They also support a D if that's the best thing, but they do want us to be able to recover this M if possible.

There are others in our family who have had As and my family has spoken ill of them. This is what my H remembers and it makes him even more uncomfortable to know that they've been so critical of others.

So far, I've told him he can take his time on how we deal with that but I know it's something that's weighing heavily on his mind.

I am having the same problem.

My brother and sis-in-law are so angry at my WH right now that they don't want to see him. My dad and step-mom are just "disappointed"...which may be harder for DH to get over because he has always looked up to my father.

I know it's early in recovery (only a little over a week for us), but I am saddened by my family's knowledge that my DH has had an A. I want them to love him as much as I still do. I guess they have to recover too.