Has this happened to anyone on this site?

What if you change so much during Plan A and Plan B that you don't want them back.

I am prepared to go through the feeling and not make a rash decision, but does anyone have experience with this? I still love my WH, but when self respect is achieved and growing occurs, I'm so afraid I may not look at him in the same way again...
I am a very committed person and want this to work,but after all the pain and you overcome, what's next?

FTBM,

You are not guaranteed anything. The sad thing about the marriage is that you aren't guaranteed it will be happily ever after when you first walk away after "I now pronounce you man and wife". And going through recovery, you aren't guaranteed recovery, or happily ever after, either - even though you want it so badly you can taste it.

I've seen it both ways, but I will tell you, I haven't seen many who go through Plan B and then say "Oh, nevermind, I don't want you back" if the WS wakes up and returns. I think I saw this happen once, but the Plan B was very long, and I believe there was ultimately a divorce in the story.

But, let's say you go through Plan A, and then Plan B, and you get your spouse back. Your real spouse, the one you married, and he is repentant, remorseful, and works on the marriage with you.

What will most likely happen is that you will look at him with respect because he will have come up from one of the most broken places a human can come up from, and he is standing with you daily and working to achieve the same things you achieved in your own Plan A and Plan B - self-respect and growth.

You will find yourself respecting that, and looking at him in a very different way because of where you both have been. Because you will understand how very hard he has had to work to get to where he is - because YOU also have done that work.

I would say, go through Plan A. See what it gives you - for your marriage, for your "self". Then, if you HAVE to, go to Plan B, and see what that does.

But don't avoid the work because you think you might not look at him in the same way again. You will, and you won't - if you recover the marriage, you will still love him, you will still have the man you know; and you won't still have the same old marriage

because if you use the principles here

your marriage will be much different

much better

and you will be RELIEVED that you don't look at it or at him in the same way anymore.

As a person who has recovered a marriage after an affair, I would say, it was worth the work, the pain, the heartache, the effort.

And no, I don't look at him the same way anymore, and he doesn't look at me the same way anymore.

And I am so very glad it is that way. It's so much better now. The old way - was not working.

Schoolbus

I needed to hear that too, Schoolbus, thanks.

I've thought about that same question, almost on a daily basis. I keep weighing the good parts and bad parts of our marriage in my head and for the most part the good far out weighs the bad. When I'm having a crummy day like today I think to myself oh well he was a grump with a temper and Now I won't have to worry about that any more. But darn it! give me the grump I don't care I just want my DH back!!

But I guess if you change enough during plan A and plan B and don't want him back, too bad for him, he shouldn't have made the choice to stray in the first place-imho.

That really is the beauty of the program. It sets you up to be a better person, with a better perspective, no matter what happens. Its too bad it so often requires a crisis to get people to investigate themselves and thier relationships, but now that you're here, you might as well take advantage of it. If somewhere down the road you change so much that you don't want your cheatin' spouse anymore, well. . .that sounds ok from my perspective too.

Well, I don't want my ex back, but we are divorced. I think that makes a difference too. And the affair lasted over 4 years. Oddly enough, he thought he could just waltz right back into my life when it ended. Too bad for him.

But I think as you get stronger and healthier, you are able to at least picture a life without them.

FTBM

I've been in Plan B for 6 months and I feel myself moving closer and closer to that same point (not wanting WH back even if he agreed to PBL terms). At first I was scared about not having my WH/H in my life. But here lately, I actually smile when I think about a new life without him because I see myself in a really good place. I only see misery (even if it is a part of recovery, even if it is only temporary) with him. I almost feel like to take him back - even if he moved out of the fog and ended the A -would be like taking a step back. I want to move forward!!

I know my thoughts don't sound very MB and I am not trying to discourage anyone who is fighting hard to have their M recover, but it's where I'm at. At least for now...

Smartie

**raises hand**

FTBM, thanks for posting this, I actually planned to start a very similar thread a few days ago. My sitch is currently a bit different - the OW in my M happens to be beer. I told H he was welcome to stay here to work on our marriage/get help, or leave NOW and he left. Has an apartment. At first that was a kick in the teeth, till I realized he's still counting on me to "support him". So, now (tomorrow) I go into Plan B. I'll do it, mostly for me & my kids, but I'm not nearly as hopeful or desperate or convinced we will live together again.

(Is that bad?)

I wouldn't take my XH back. Not that he's asked me to, but there's some indication he's finally waking up 6 months after our divorce and his affair ending.

I've learned so incredibly much in the last 2 years that I've been on my own. I've gained self-respect and a much healthier belief system about myself.

I could never go back to that marriage again. The good in it never outweighed the bad and that's probably why I feel the way I do.

SB, thanks for the well-thought out reply.
SS and Julie, this is not a fun place to be in.
Wavering.
Analyzing.
Thinking.
Desperation.
Hope.

I need to get my thoughts off the situation and into my own life, my kids, meeting new friends.

The fact is, my WH does so many LB's, constantly, all over the place. He never believes what I tell him (typical role of a liar and cheat to point the finger) whether it is my feelings or factual information. I get so tired of convincing him of just about anything and everything we discuss. I end up LB'ing then calming down to say why don't you skeedaddle so I can get my peace back.

He doesn't believe in counseling and had 4 A's with the same woman, his ex. We haven't even been married 2 years!

I have gotten closer to God, not just for the time being, but having substantial changes. I have really felt the Holy Spirit inspiring me which has never happened before in my life. I have felt the "peace beyong understanding".

But it is also about my own awakening. Really, truly, do I want this man-boy back into my life? Temper, anger, accusations, lying. If he is in a FOG, then it seems permanent.
Only a miracle could change him to be...what? The man I first met? But he was probably putting on his best face then.

I do believe in miracles and in the power of someone to change.

But they need motivation, thus the MB way. Plan A to convince and become a better person. Plan B to protect yourself and show them life without you.

I guess aNewName was right in looking to see if the good out-weighed the bad. But we aren't guaranteed anything, right? How come the WS's are guaranteed US - ones that don't cheat, don't lie. PEOPLE LIKE US ARE OUT THERE.

I want my H back, but a NEW one. A sweeter, gentler man that cares and considers me, NO LB's.

I pray for him.
I pray for me.
I pray for our son.

Are they being answered? Maybe in His infinite wisdom and mercy, He is weaving His own plan and will, something wonderful...and His purpose will be revealed in time, His time.

In the meantime, I will still pray and analyze and think and hope.

BS (me) 37
WH 37
DS 1 yr.
OW 34
four A's with the same woman

I think Plan B is a win-win approach, regardless of the outcome. Whether or not you recover your marriage, you will recovery your own self respect. If at the end, you no longer want your WH, well, it's what you want for your life and it will be how you feel as a better, healthier, stronger person. It's hard now because you are still feeling a lot of the fears and emotions of the affair and separation. But when you are in a better place mentally, your decisions will be clearer and better for YOU. Plan B takes you to that place.

F2bme,

Tabby and the others make a good point. Plan B usually lets BS know it is ok to move forward. When that happens, depending on whether the other spouse remains as a WS or not, is the deciding factor AFTER plan B is sufficiently execute. See plan B is only a TEMPORARY plan.

There are also stages a BS goes through during their healing time.

After I went to plan B, I recall telling my then WS that I did not want him back in our family. That his ways were hurtful and not safe for us. Our choices were NOT to have a hurtful person in our family.....we did not deserve t/b subjected to that type of abuse.

Believe it or not, he acknowledged it. It was followed by the poor me (WS) syndrome where he started to say that no one loved him. Silly WS, I reminded him that the OW 'loved him' and they both now had free reign to use each other but that his family no longer w/b part of their sicko mind games. That sure took the steam out of their A and THAT is when I felt the power return to me.

So plan B removes the BS and family from enabling the A and it helps kill the A. VIVA Plan B!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

Tabby and Orchid,
He is just playing with my head so much. He'll call and say "I want to talk to you, I'm sorry for arguing with you last night, we need to come to an agreement about us, blah, blah, blah".

Then when he comes over it's "I don't really know why I'm hear, I just know I don't like the way we ended our conversation last night". Period. The end.

I get my hopes up that he will stay for dinner, watch a movie with me, talk about wanting our marriage to work.
I am SO tired of the back and forth. It is NOT ok with me that he is using whatever emotional comfort I bring him. When he starts LB'ing I ask him to leave.

Do you know that two nights ago I told him I was getting blood work done for STD's and mono and his FIRST reaction was mad at me that I told the doctor about his infidelity?!

He didn't ask my symptoms, didn't ask how I felt or offer to come with me. He is incredulous. Seriously, how insensitive can one person be. (I think it is just mono but want to cover all bases)

He had his first affair with his ex in '06 when I was pregnant with our son, and kept coming back to me and making promises and I kept believing in him. He would be ok for a while, but when things didn't go his way, he had the harlot to fall back on. Argh!

We did limited counseling so no new behaviors had time to be learned or take effect. At least by him anyway.

I hate the confusion and uncertainty. Maybe I need to move into Plan B. It would be so hard. Talk about a withdrawal period. Yikes.

Do you honestly feel your done with your self-improvements?

L.

I will always be a work in progress, but I have done so much reading (power of a praying wife, etc) and journaling, and counseling and more church-going. I have become less reactionary myself and more aware of what I say before I say it.

I know that I am a good wife. I was faithful and loyal and introspective and fun and tried to meet his needs. He cheated on me one month after we were married. We didn't even have time to get things up and running or try to work it out among the two of us.

His perspective and reality are so far apart. That is why I say it would take a miracle. He needs self esteem and has been rocked lately with a DUI and an injunction by me and lost 2 jobs last year. I stood by him, until his name calling and verbal LB's got to be too much. After the DUI, I was done with him living there and being mean in front of our son and my 16 yr old daughter.

He has his own apartment now, after a 1 1/2 month stint of living with the OW until he saved money.

I know for Plan B to work, my heart and mind have to be in line. I keep praying for strength and guidance. It is so hard.

One of the main benefits of Plan B is to protect yourself from hurtful and insensitive statements and actions by your WS. He can't get mad at you for informing a dr if he doesn't know about it. He can't send conflicting messages to you if there is no contact. It's really, really hard to break contact, especially during a time when there are real matters to settle (financial, child custody etc.). But it is absolutely necessary. You will miss him terribly, despite the fact that each time you meet with him now just causes more misery. But do it anyway. When you really want to see/talk to him, call a friend or post here instead. Plan B, as difficult as it may be, is meant to protect YOU!

Don't worry that down the road your feelings for him might change. It doesn't matter. Really it doesn't. Whatever your feelings are at the end of Plan B, they will be YOUR TRUE feelings and you will act and make decisions with confidence that this is what is truly right for you.

I wanted to let him know about the doctor in case he and the OW gave me something. He would need to know that for his health.

But I hear what you are saying. Basically the "go dark" suggestion I have been reading about.

It does need to be about me now.

This is exactly it! Say this to yourself 10 times everyday when you wake up and any time you find it difficult. Even if you are saying it ten thousand times a day!

Hi all,
For the past 2 days my WH has come over to visit our son and started an argument. I try to RETREAT, but he follows me, or brings up something from the past unrelated.

The first one was about his brother sending a van payment check to the OW/his ex's house instead of to ours.
I asked him "Oh he's sending the checks there now?" and he jumped down my throat, accusing me of blaming him for his brother's actions, telling me that I slung a 'dig' at him and started raising his voice. Very loudly. Cussing ensued.

I told him(calmly) that it was a question, not a statement and that I know he can't help what his brother does. He asked "why did you say that?" and I said "Well, b/c I was still looking out for it" (pause) "and it kind of hurt my feelings since I sent him an email saying it was ok to still send the checks here, that I would keep them in a safe place until I saw you." My BIL never replied, but I was doing it as a courtesy of reassurance so no biggie. I guess that went over like a lead brick anyway.

He said "I'm not leaving until you admit it was a dig". I said, "I'm not admitting to anything that I didn't do. As long as you raise your voice and cuss at me, I won't be talking to you." I started arguing and defending myself before I caught myself LB'ing, then I RETREATED to another room. Well since he doesn't live at home anymore I said maybe it was time for him to go. Then he says "No, I'm not leaving" and demanded to eat some dinner before he left with our son for the night. Always pushy, always forceful.

I felt so bad. I didn't want to be unkind. I have been doing Plan A all over the place. I realize now that I did it for too long, b/c I started suffering. The rejection is awful and I can't sleep.

Anyway, my girlfriend was coming over in a half an hour and I just wanted a night to myself. This is only the second time that I have had a break from our 1 yr old son since he moved out in Oct 07.

I caved and let him eat just so he would hurry and go home. Argh!! But as soon as he finished, here he comes in the bedroom stating loudly his point, still accusing me of a dig and being relentless.

Why can't he see what he does? Even despite the LB's that he does, my heart still wishes so much that we could work it out.
HOWEVER...
Things are changing in me. I am getting stronger, looking at it from a different viewpoint.

Gosh do I really want this angry, hurtful man in my life?
Do I want our son to witness his disresepct and learn from that?
Can I live like this for the rest of my life?

The answers to these questions are no. He would have to change. He is passive aggressive AND aggressive-aggressive. He is LB'ing, in a FOG, and an ALIEN.

He continues to maintain a friendship with his ex b/c of their child together, but it is inappropriate - going in her house, staying for dinner, using her phone. He is so in my face about it. I don't think he will stop until SHE meets someone else. He told me he wants a relationship with her b/c of their son, but the nature of it is wrong. He and I are married, not him and her.
I guess I am just starting to give up.

I had an earlier post about SEX and the WS. Well, I had blood work done today to make sure I have a clean bill of health from all std's. I have swollen glands and a sore throat that won't go away. My self diagnosis is mono.
I know he was with me Christmas Eve and with her on New Years. It makes me sad, sick, disgusted and depressed. My doctor presribed Lexapro, so I will start that next week. I have to get out of this pit.

The pit of doom. I have always had such hope. I guess I am in one of the stages of grief, the beloved Acceptance, which always brings a sense of peace.

I can't control him.
I can control me.
I can't make him love me.
But I can love me!

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
-----------------------------
BS(me)37
WH(37)
Together since '05
DS 1
DD from prev M 16
OW(the ex) 34
Found out 6/06, one month after our wedding.
Again 11/06, again 4/07, again NOW.