This is very long and complicated.........Dh and I married 18 years (together 20). We have 3 sons (13, 10 and 5)

The first 15 years of marriage were filled with his porn/sex addiction. His lying to me and me finding out, him haveing an EA with an ex until I found out sending us to MC.......Him being diagnosed with Sex addiction.Also in and out of jobs for various reasons including sex harrasment, anger issues, hard to get along with etc)


Evertime we had a baby he would get depressed and became further and further depressed and hard to live with.

The last 3 years have been the craziest! Two years ago we started hanging with his single brother and also some heavy drinking friends. This lead into a disaster. DH wanted me to sleep with others for his excitement..........I slept with his brother..........would cause issues between dh and I, but he encouraged me to continue. Finally I stopped. I met someone ......had an EA with him. Dh found out and flipped. Oh and we had a 3-sum with the wife of our heavy drinking friends.........


We seperated in May, got back together and started extensive counceling. Different MC. He was diagnosed of Sexual compulsions.....she said he grommed me into doing this nasty things. We dropped all contact with heavy drinking friends and little contact with his brother. We were working hard to fix things.....but both would get stuck many times on the issues and couldnt get past them.

In October I found out he was Texting the woman we had 3 sum with and wanting her to meet him. I freaked out and kicked him out and filed for a divorce.

Eventually we talked, worked things out. I dismissed divorce and we agreed to never bring up past again.

Last month I noticed some odd online behavior from him and checked his history. Noticed he was looking up that woman again as well as the man I had the EA with. He looked up something called Sacrements of Seduction too. I was planning on keeping this from him and keep checking and waiting until he screwed up bigtime!

My SIl suggested I do try and talk to him about it now instead of trying to do damage control later. I did......his excuse was that he saw odd numbers on my cell phone and was looking to see if I was in contact with these two people. He said the seduction link was a mistake....

The last two weeks he was on vacation and we bonded wonderfully. He went back to work today and he changed all his setting on his computer so I cannot see his web history now.

What would you be thinking? Should I say something? Is he cheating?

We cant afford counceling anymore and he works aprox 65hrs week. He has complete internet access from work with emails and all that I cannot access...........now what? Is LOVE enough to stay together???

Please dont flame me for this. There is so much involved and I just lightly highlighted the history between us. Please ask questions.

Jacque

I am a newbie to MB, but one thing I know for certain from life experience that if a man starts deleting his cookies, hiding his internet history, he IS hiding something. NO ifs, ands or buts. He IS hiding something, usually porn.

When my husband was thinking of using an internet eraser program that would automatically run every time we turned off the computer, I told my husband my beliefs regarding this. He wasn't in 100% agreement at first, but when he saw maintaining a history worked both ways, he eventually agreed.

In this day and age of freely available porn and sexual contacts on the internet, a committed couple MUST agree to a transparent internet history. By keeping our history public, my husband knows where I've been and what I'm thinking about, including the time I spend on MB. He knows that I'm never in contact with other men and never scoping out personal ads.

It is CRITICAL to come to an agreement that internet usage will be trackable and shared between you. My husband and I discuss if and when we will "clean up" the computer (the excuse your husband will most likely use) by erasing the history. We are usually together when we do it.

Please trust me on this one. He will say no, I need my privacy, it's just maintenance, etc., etc., but those are just excuses. If there is nothing to hide, then there is no reason to dump cookies.

Personally, I do not object to my husband looking at porn. I just want to know that's all he's looking at. We also have passwords to each others email which has turned out to be practical as well as transparent.

Jacque-

Have you clicked on the link to this web site's "Bookstore"?

There are many wonderful books that can guide you and your husband to build a better marriage.

Hi jalynn, I was just reading your post and it reminded myself a lot of my past and the things that I did that might have contributed to my marital problems.
Back when we first got married I delved into porn a bit. I was by no means an addict, but viewed it quite a bit to "spice things up" so to speak.
Eventually it took more and more to spice things up. Then 5 yearsinto aour marriage I han an affair.
I thought that we had recovered ok, but the porn continued. Eventually it lead to sexual fantasy talks about my wife and other men (mostly by me) and once even experimented with some friends of ours.
Years later my wife has had multiple affairs and I am trying to pick up the pieces of my marriage and put them back together.

I can't help but to blame a lot of the affairs on myself and how I disrespected my wife by the sexual fantasy stories and allowing the "experimenting" with our friends. I was very foolish and probably changed my wife's mindset to do the things that she did.
I look back and feel so stupid. What kind of message was I giving her by talking and acting like I did.
The porn really wasn't really for me, it seemed to spice it up for her.
I would go through times where I would destroy all my porn, but eventually I would get more. It was a vicious cycle.
Unfortunately, now I usually have to "visually stimulate" her to get her in the mood. It sucks.
How I miss the days where we "made love". I guess I can only blame myself.
Sorry I went on and on and got off subject a little.
Rock