|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
ark, the PBL would include a general overview, and then the specific TACTICS, such as counseling, etc., are negotiated, discussed in reconciliation talks.
I would put it like this: STOP DRINKING and commit to a program of recovery. That gives the general path and the specific tactics can be discussed in the future.
For example, she could specify that he attend 90 meetings in 90 days and commit to regular attendance at AA. Perhaps she could recommend sobering up in a treatment facility, in addition. But, those are the kind of details that are normally left to reconciliation talks.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026 |
Bank: done.
Kids: with H
Dinner now, Home Depot next...
LIFE IS GOOD
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080 |
ML and Ark
Sorry to threadjack. I have to agree with ML
Over a year ago I presented similar choices to my actively alcoholic ww. The choices I gave her were to give up OM, and seek an alcohol recovery program. The third option was D. We were on the merry go round for several years. Until you put your feet down and stop the merry go round the alcoholic will continue to push.
She did not make a choice so I started preparing for D right in front of her. She would make promises like she did in the past to get help. EX-I reserved a bed at treatment center X for such and such a date. Id call tc X-the intake person did not know her. This went over two months. All the while she said she was going to AA and hiding her drinking. I just kept on slowly preparing how to split things, calling on realtors to sell the house, making appointments with lawyers. I would try to consult her for what she wanted. THIS WAS ALL BS that she believed and eventually did make the call for alcohol treatment. I believe she gave up OM just before going to treatment because I couldn't believe the amount she drank.. She now has just over a year of sobriety.
In our situation the alcohol was the elephant in the room. NO other marital problems were solvable until recovery from the addiction began. It is still extremely hard now.
In Julies situation this also is the point-stand tough-In your face Quit drinking/using-
The solution-Leave up to the addict-Treatment/90 in 90/ just quit-Leave that control to be negotiated later if and when it happens.
An alcoholic needs to see very clearly the results of their choices and what they have to lose before it sinks in.
Just my opinion
Chris
DRY DATE 8/1/86
FWS 1986/87
Bs 2004-9/2006?
Last edited by nesre; 01/09/08 06:43 PM.
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
actually the truth is that melody and I agree...there really isn't anything to disagree about with me..
my only point which your posts makes MY point..
is that you have to set the boundary more then no drinking
and specify a program that must be completed before reconcilliation in the home...that's HER boundary...only not her job or responsibility to do anything about it
the original PBL ONLY states quit drinking...
so guess what if I was her WS I'd call tomorrow and say
I QUIT DRINKING....just like your letter said....
and then they can spend gobs and gobs of time and energy powerstruggling the issue of no drinking vs true addiction recovery...
never ever ever ever ever ever ever did I say or imply she should ever ever ever ever ever take him back without months of sobriety....
a point that in my opinion was sorely lacking in her PBL...
but hey it's just my opinion.....
my point....specify beyond no drinking....cause he'll be on her doorstep tomorrow stating I'm not drinking...
ARK^^
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026 |
Here it is, I'm printing...no more time for editing:
Dear H,
It is with a heavy heart that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us - our friendship, our partnership, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. I'll explain:
The 11 yrs we spent together were filled with countless hugs, kisses, tears, winks and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day we spent together.
I know I haven't been a perfect wife. I realize that my inattentiveness and my obsessive tendencies drove a wedge into our relationship. I'm sorry. Please know I never wanted to hurt you or push you away. The pain of your drinking and destructive behavior during our marriage has been unimaginable. Continued contact with you has the potential to destroy my love for you and I don't want that to happen.
It is because of this that I must insist we no longer contact each other until you are ready to stop drinking completely and commit to a program of recovery. Please respect this decision. In case of an emergency, or any necessary financial or kid-related or personal property matters, please contact your sister and she will contact me. Once you are ready to stop drinking completely and commit to a recovery program, please contact me, and I will be willing to discuss restoring our family and our marriage.
I’m including our visitation schedule - you are a good father and I want you to continue to see the kids. I think you'll agree it’s not fair to disrupt their lives any more than necessary to accommodate the adults’ problems and that they should be home on school nights. You can have your sister check with me if you need to make any adjustments. It is only in their best interest that you keep all alcohol, drugs, and other relationships you may be taking part in away from them as well. As for our financial obligations, my expectation is that you will continue to contribute.
**Edited to change names
I am committed to a clean, sober, peaceful marriage with you. I believe we can build a relationship that is stronger and more fulfilling than we have ever experienced. As of today, I walk forward in life for myself and my kids, and I want you to walk with us. I love you.
Last edited by JulieW; 01/09/08 08:07 PM.
LIFE IS GOOD
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
good letter. Batten the hatches!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026 |
I am, as we speak. Um, hmmm...hey, can you UNstrip a screw? The deadbolt isn't biting & in trying to take it off & do-over, I stripped the screw. So the front door is now with-deadbolt, but deadbolt is ineffective. Ornamental. Unless I can UN-strip the screw...or somehow get it out. Crap! Ruining my empowerment trip was NOT part of the plan!!
LIFE IS GOOD
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
ugh! This is why I never attempt stuff like this myself! Try superglue!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026 |
LOL...that is sheer madness! Nope, it's just going to be an ornament. OH well...chicks & tools = no go.
LIFE IS GOOD
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026 |
I DID remember to secure the basement cellar door though. He's broken in thru that one before. And I remember this summer we got locked out of the house & H didn't attempt to break the handle, he climbed in thru DD's upstairs bedroom window. So, I should be good.
LIFE IS GOOD
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278 |
Good Luck, Julie!!!
Sounds like you'll have to get new screws for the deadbolt if they are the ones I'm thinking of. They should have those at Lowe's sold separately for times like these. I can't imagine why they wouldn't!
Sending positive vibes your way!!!!
Take care,
Charlotte
Charlotte22
BS-42
WH-Mr. Gray-52
M-15.5y
DS*DIL-26, DGS-1
DS*DIL-22
DD-21
Dday: 6/27/07 (Plan A-sort of)
10/30-BRAVE NEW WORLD! Exposure!
11/1-Filed D
11/21-Temp hearing, Shiny takes all
12/15-Plan B
5/13/08-Spousal support extended, my Shiny
Attorney totally ROCKS!!
7/17-Court again, Shiny rules!
7/22-OWH temp hearing, Shiny kicks butt again!
12/11-Mediation; Gray won't budge, we are now headed for trial
Shiny="A Dynamic Force of Epic Proportions"
Shiny WILL win!! No doubt, Sugah!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026 |
I can get new screws but the ones in the deadbolt affixed to the door ain't budgin'. And now I'm having issues with the back door. Stupid old house, and me wanting to be independent! I may still call a locksmith.
Plan B has begun - H took letter from my hand. My phone just ding-donged, I imagine that's him (text).
Am I not to read it? Just delete w/o reading?
LIFE IS GOOD
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026 |
Nope, it was from his sister, stating he wants to switch weekends with the kids.
LIFE IS GOOD
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
So he is using your intermediary?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026 |
Yes. Less than an hour after receiving PBL!
LIFE IS GOOD
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
GOOD!! He has read the letter.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026 |
Yep! Um, is it usually this "easy"? Are they usually this "compliant"? It could be temporary I know. Thing is I've got plans next weekend w/them so I don't wanna switch!
And if he does decide to start texting me, I can't read them? Obviously I won't respond.
LIFE IS GOOD
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Right, just don't read his texts.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080 |
Julie
Way to go. I'm pull'in for ya.
Its early yet and it could be this just does not sink in with H. It may take several days until it gets through.
Stay strong and use your intermediary.
My prayers are with you, your H and your children
Chris
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
280
guests, and
74
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
