Hi all!

I'm crossposting this link to my original thread in the Plan A/Plan B forum (as opposed to just copying the original post since there are some replies already) and hoping to get a little more advice/input on my situation.

Confused about Plan A

Thank you so much in advance for your help and support.


ETA: and what does LSA mean????

Hopefully his mom gets better soon. I guess you can wait a bit longer (a couple of days) to expose. Start with the OW's husband. That usually puts a crimp in the affair.

Also they can't work together if you want to recover the marriage.

I see you have only been married a year. How has the marriage been? Think carefully if you want this guy for the father of your children. Sounds like you and the children may be sitting in a corner rotting while he is out having fun.

How long did you know him before D-day?

Well, my MIL was admitted to the hospital Monday and needs surgery. However, she contracted a norovirus and they have to wait until she's past that first. My FIL apparently has the virus, too, and is laid up at home. I'd rather wait until we know she's definitely on the mend before exposing him. I think I will talk to my BIL (DH's sister's husband) who my DH is close to. I hope I can have him call the OWH and fill him in since as I said in the other thread, my accent will give me away if OW answers the phone. Plus I'm not even sure if I have the right number. Then I will absolutely be talking to the other collegue.
But I definitely am going to wait to see the psychologist tomorrow and hopefully start some meds for my depression. I can't possibly get through Plan A feeling like a wreck. I think I'll talk to my BIL this weekend and then we can fill in the OWH next week, depending on MIL's condition. I don't want to seem insensitive - my SIL and BIL live in the same house with my MIL and FIL. So they are under enough stress right now trying to take care of FIL and keep from getting sick themselves, while worrying about MIL.

How has our marriage been? Well, we have been financially tight since we started. DH lost his job, but his friend's wife got him the new one. It's really chaotic and stressful and he has nightmares a lot. At the moment DH is having several nightmares a night, but I think that's also related to our problems. I had a breast cancer scare in August and that really pulled us together. And we were doing fine otherwise until Oktober when I noticed he was withdrawing from me. I really thought it was just his workload. Now I think it was his guilty conscious eating him alive.

So, I went ahead and called my BIL yesterday, filled him in and asked if he could call for me to verify the telephone number. He's upset to hear what DH is doing, but he doesn't want to get involved. He did say that he would think about it though and get back to me. He also said, he didn't think it would be a good idea to talk to the other collegue. He doesn't think she has my best interests at heart either. So now I'm out of luck. I have no help and my support is otherwise busy at the moment.

ETA: and just how do you enforce NC? Do I have to ask him everyday? Do I just ask him once and ignore the fact that he's not holding up his end of the bargain or just plain doesn't agree to NC?

You can work on personal recovery 1st. Are you ready to learn about plan A?

L.

Well, I did read and re-read the Article about it and I've read through several threads. I just feel like I have no clue what I'm doing.

*bump* hoping for some answers to my questions.

Help!

My DH received and forwarded to me an invitation from ex-collegues for a weekend get-together. He obviously plans on going without me. I mailed him back and said we really needed to talk about this tonight. Any ideas on how to talk him out of this non-sense?
I haven't been able to contact the OWH either. I keep getting an answering machine and I'm still not sure if I've even got the right number.
I just started my antidepression medication and am a complete wreck due to the side effects at the moment.

You cannot force NC on a WS. NC is something they agree to when they decide they want to work on the M. Until they get to that point, promises of NC are just lies.

You want to get him to agree to NC, yes, but it has to be his decision.

OW is a co-worker of your WHs? You need to be in Plan A and working on exposure. Do you know where OW lives? If so, then it might be a good thing to drop in on OWH while your WH and OW are at this weekend get together. Presumably he wasn't invited either, right?

Stop the relationship talks. There's really just no point in them right now. Your M doesn't have a chance while he is engaged in the A. So start Plan A. Start meeting what you think his primary EN's are, and stop all lovebusters. Its hard, it takes self discipline and the knowledge that what you are doing is part of a plan to end the A and recover your marriage. Suck it up, and start doing it!

Sorry you're here, but if you listen and follow the advice of these people, there is much hope. I am living proof! Good luck!

Please write for us what YOUR understanding of Plan A is -

we can better know where your understanding Plan A gaps are once you do that

((( hugs )))

Just to clarify, the weekend trip is with ex-collegues, not with the OW. Or so he says. I've talked with my MIL more and she talked me into just letting him go. I've been really, really depressed lately and haven't been doing anything. I did inform DH, though, that his family knows. So that's one exposure area checked. He took it actually very well. Not upset at all. Things seem to be going well with us, otherwise, despite my depression. I sometimes wonder if there really is NC between them aside from work. He doesn't spend much time on his cell phone anymore, and is taking more interest in me, lots of kissing and hugging. I'm still waiting for the antidepressants to kick in though. I just don't trust my feelings anymore. Some days I think we're on the road to recovery, and then the next minute I think he's cooking up some elaborate plan. I feel really obsessed and it's got to stop.
As for my concept of Plan A. It just seems to me to be putting on my best behavior, looking as good as I can, cooking my best, and making our home as welcoming as possible. I avoid LB's at all cost (I've been journaling so that I don't blow a fuse), and at the moment I don't talk to him about our marriage unless he brings it up. I try to meet his EN's, but I don't know what they are, and he doesn't seem to know either. So I'm not sure if I'm missing anything else in Plan A besides exposing to OWH. At this point, it seems too late to inform the OWH. Things seem to be going so well that it seems a waste of time not to mention it could set us back. So I'm going to continue my version of plan A through the end of February and see how it goes. DH did suggest we go on a similar weekend trip that he's going on as a family in March/April when the weather is better. So I'm holding on to that, and will just wait and see.

OK, yet another setback. Just when I thought I was feeling good, I found a paper with OW cell phone number on it. I'm so incredibly hurt, disappointed and wondering what on earth I've done to be so tortured and punished like this???? I just tried calling the one telephone number which might be OW's home number, but a woman answered and I just hung up. I have no clue if it's the right number. I'll try again tonite if I'm not having an hour-long crying jag.

So another update. My meds seem to be finally kicking in. However, we had another talk two nights ago. DH wanted to talk about the possibility of separating. I didn't really want to discuss it. I rather wanted to focus on things we can do to save our marriage. But we have no idea what we can do. He says he still loves me, but it's the same kind of love that he feels for his sister or friends. The feeling is gone. He has agreed to keep trying and not to give up so easily, but today he sent me two mails starting out with just "hi" instead of his usual "hi babe". It feels like he's making an effort to distance himself from me instead of trying to save our marriage. Is this just more fog? I don't know if NC is really in place and if so how long it's been. Any ideas how long it will take for DH to come around and recognize what he's got to lose by quitting?

Your H is a WH, not a DH, right now. And he will remain a WH and have no interest in saving your marriage until NC has been established. If your WH is still working at the same company as the OW, then NC has not been established. You need to expose to his workplace superiors in the hopes that the two of them will not be working at the same company anymore. And you absolutely have to expose to OWH.