Today I was talking on the phone to a friend about my WH's affair. I was feeling sad and I said, "We had a happy family until this other woman came along." I did not realize that my almost 4-year-old daughter was in earshot. I thought she was off doing other things. She walked up to me and said, "Her name is ______________." I don't speak her name. How did she know it? I was floored.

Tonight, after that incident, I remembered something else. We were enjoying a nice lunch the other day when she said, "You're my stepmom, right?" I was confused and asked what she was talking about, and she kept insisting that I was her stepmom.

I strongly suspect that my WS has taken it upon himself to tell her that our family as we know it is gone forever, and she will have a new stepmom. Up until now, she's only known that daddy moved somewhere closer to work. That is what we agreed to tell her during our separation. If he has indeed gone the next step of not only telling her we're getting divorced -- though no one's filed yet -- but that he is marrying someone else, I am shocked, horrified and, frankly, feeling a bit vengeful.

With every fiber in my being, I want to tell my daughter that ____________ is a bad person who broke up our family. But then I would cause her harm, should he actually marry her and she is forced to spend time in their home. I want her to feel comfortable as possible given the situation, and not be disturbed by adult problems. Even though she will see Daddy is with this other person with her own eyes, I would like it to be as easy to digest as possible. And to not have all her information come from a known liar.

I don't know how to handle that, nor do I know how to handle bringing up this topic with WS. He's just going to lie, because he knows that would be a violation to tell her these things without talking to me. But he needs to be put on notice somehow.

Just to vent, I absolutely hate that this ******, who went after my husband for 10 years, would so much as put her filthy, sticky finger on a lock of my child's hair, and that my daughter would be required to refer to her with a title that includes the word, "mom." She is the worst excuse for a mother on earth, breaking up her children's family because she decided she found a better husband -- mine -- and father for her kids. She has never had any respect for me whatsoever, nor for our daughter and it's not like she never met us. She's even been in my home. I am fit to be tied that this horrid individual is invading my life on another level now, being explained to my daughter as a woman of any significance.

I just don't know what to do.

OW and WS, who are co-workers, have a history of scheming and planning on their way toward extricating their spouses from their lives so they can build a new life together. Everything they do is unbelievably calculated, as though they are putting together a business deal versus their competition. OWH and I get cold, divorce-process related emails from their work accounts during work hours, as though they sit there together pretending to be working on a project while they are destroying their families. We exposed them at work -- their employers do nothing about it. They make lists of things to say to us, and then report back to each other. They planned to go to our individual therapists with us to make sure we know its over. They planned to sell our houses simultaneously. It is the most insidious thing I have ever seen, and I can't believe I'm living it. The scheming and cruelty bonds them, and when OWH and I try to fight them, they just get more evil and calculating. It's like, the more horrible they are to their spouses, the more it proves their sick "love" for the other person.

The thought that telling my daughter she's going to have a new stepmom is part of their timeline and plan of action is beyond the pale. I don't know what to do or say to counteract whatever despicable plan they have. Ideas?

I
Its a disgusting situation that happens way too often. Waywards are so obsessed with self delusion and entitlement that they see nothing but starry eyed blessing for everyone involved in their "love" story.....

In truth, Dr Harley told a struggling affair-spouse only the other day on these boards that a marriage based on an affair has less than 5% chance of making it to marriage and a less than 1% chance of surviving 5 years.

Of course your WH right now is so obsessed and foggy he just KNOWS his R will be the 1%...it won't.

The poisoning of your child's mind is a gross sin that your WH will one day feel terrible for. But the damage will already have been done by then.

The thing to do with your DD in my opinion is to calmly explain firstly that you are her mommy and always will be, and that the lady Daddy is with now need not play any part in her life if she does not wish it, ever.

Maybe other calmer heads can advise you,I.

In my own situation when I discovered the "blended family" plans of Squid and OM, despite doing a firm plan A at the time, I very calmly told OM that if he ever met my children as their prospective step-father I would kill him.

I meant it then. I mean it now.

So perhaps somebody more objective and sensible can advise you here.

I am very sorry for this horrible situation, I, and can only remind you how every very unlikely it is statistically that your WHs sick facsimile of a marriage will hang together long enough for that witch to play any part in your childs life.

all blessings.

Wow! Your situation is exactly like mine, except it is OWH and OW with the daughter. OWH has been reeling over it - OW and W-STBX moved in together immediately (with DD). OWH fought all OW's attempts to replace him with W-STBX but it has been a losing battle. OW won't even tell him when school events are on in evenings and when he finds out, he has to sit in parent teacher interviews with her and W-STBX. It's quite horrid and I have witnessed your pain.

OW and W-STBX also schemed like your did - at work, using cold calculated planning (I'll spare you the details but the nature of them was sickening and no, their employer did nothing at all). My saving grace was OWH - between us we figured out at least most of the truth. Not that the truth was pretty but it's easier to deal with a monster you can see than the one in the dark. I see you've been in contact with your OWH. I'm still very good friends with mine and through each other, we continue to be fully informed of what's going on in the "love shack". Information is power and it has helped both of us a lot.

As for your daughter - it is not beyond a WS to fill a childs head with this kind of crap. The best you can do is be openly honest with her, both about the situation and how you feel. She may be very young, but just as it is with you, better the painful truth than a pack of lies she will spend the rest of her growing up trying to sort out.

Make their cozy, rosy little world a bit more difficult. Have your atty and OWH's atty contact their HR dept letting the business know what's going on and what the legal ramifications will be if you get anymore divorce related emails via company accts. Out them. Give your atty copies of the work email accts that show their in an A and conducting personal business during work hours. ******, sue the company and OW if you can.

But you gotta make it hard for them.

Also, document what your dd says about you being the stepmom. Document everything. Keep copies of all emails, correspondence, etc.

Why is your WH letting dd near OW? There should be a "no paramours" clause in the visitation agreement. If there isn't, get back to court asap. Tell the court that dd called you the stepmom. I know of a sitch where the 2 yr old called the OW "mama" and Mama had the courts rectify that WH better not allow that to happen. The court let him know that it didn't want any confusion where the familial relationship was.

Expose them to everyone. Make it difficult for them. That their co-workers, you have a lot more power than you think.

GL

Jewel

I feel it is very important that you tell your daughter the truth about her father and his ******....(sorry, was that my outside voice?)

My sons found out about the truth of their mothers behaviour a number of years after it happened. I had thought at the time that they didn't need to know, shouldn't know, that sort of thing. But when they found out that she had cheated on me, they were devastated, their opinion of their mom was really changed, and they were very angry that they were never told the real reason.

The affair happened when they were 5 and 3 years old, they found out the truth 10 years later.

I don't think you should protect them by not telling your daughter the real story (age appropriate). I have learned that the only one who benefits is the WS and his harlot...(there goes that outside voice again)

Tell her the truth, and let the chips fall where they may.....

And, I am in the same situation all over again...my current WS has secured summer employment for the boys.......she will be working there too....and the goddamn slime is the boss there....that they will be exposed to that makes me want to puke......

I will be doing things to solve that situation.....


Good luck to you......I like the idea of threatening the employer with action, as they are doing their scheming on company time......very very evil MamaJewel!!!!


Ron

Thanks for all your responses.

I don't think my daughter has been around OW. She always gives a full report of her time with daddy, unsolicited. One day she mentioned being with two friends at the beach. This concerned me a little since OW has two girls. I put nothing past these two, in terms of their calculations and planning. She said daddy was alone, but that doesn't mean OW couldn't have been sitting on a blanket a few yards away from him, observing, fantasizing.

There were questions about exposure....

We've already exposed at work. Co-workers have called to tell me of their own volition that they are disgusted, but they say nothing to the waywards. Their boss feels it is none of his business. Just restricted their excessive cell phone usage. They flaunt their relationship without shame around the office. My WS used to brag about what a great wife and child he has, and was always inviting us to work events. But now he tells people we just didn't get along and he was in denial. Huh? Now I realize that all his bragging wasn't about me, but about making himself look good, his deep-seated narcissism. People admired him as a Christian family man. Now he apparently thinks dying his hair and acquiring a younger wife will make him look good.

We attended a large church together as a family, where we were basically anonymous. Now he takes her there with him, my replacement. I don't know how he sits there next to her without feeling squicky. He wants to dump me ASAP so he can marry her, apparently thinking that then he won't feel guilty when he's having sex with her. He thinks God will honor their marriage, and use him just as he is. Ministry is important to him. He apparently thinks God needs him so much, He will change his Word to accomodate his affair "marriage."

We have exposed to all families concerned. Her mother was initially so horrified, she stopped talking to OW. Now she's given in, and watches the kids so OW can have the freedom to date my WH. His parents, who are ultimately the reason why WH is the way he is, completely enable him, and listen eagerly to completely implausible lies he gives for the demise of our 15-year marriage. Despite the fact that I begged them months before DDay to talk to him about this co-worker, they somehow believe his story that they only started "dating" after we separated. He says he just wants to be happy, and they buy it. They have to. He is their golden child, their last hope of being considered decent parents. They are delusional. The first time I talked to his mom about the affair, she was almost in tears. The most recent time she looked back at me with the same foggy look her son has developed, and tossed some me weak platitude about my pain. I give up.

Friends have berated him -- but they've all given up. He doesn't care about his reputation, he doesn't care about how this impacts our daughter, he doesn't care that he is disrespecting his wife. He makes up excuses and lies when they confront him and refuses to stop the affair. None of these friends have told him they will stop being around him if he doesn't repent. They just ask him out to lunch once in a while, listen to his lies, vainly attempt to contradict, and then pray for him. He knows they're still his friends, despite what he's done, so he's happy to meet with them whenever they want.

In other words, there's nothing left for WH and OW to do but get married. They've conquered everyone who matters to them with their lies. The only ones left to deceive are the kids.

When my WH files -- and he insists that he will soon -- I'll try to set up something in court about the no paramour clause, but I guess it'll be short-lived since they plan to get married before the ink is dry on the final divorce decree.

But all this time, they've been "just friends."

I just don't think God made me to be someone's fool, and that's what I think I've become for him. He premeditates situations where I am deceived and gets a thrill off it. Then he runs to OW to make a report and it makes them even closer. She gets to think he's doing it for her, for them, when it's just to feed his insatiable ego. I've become a tool. When I married WH, everyone thought I was lucky. He was such a man of God. I have always felt his level of spirituality exceeded my own, I have always felt lesser. Perhaps that is why it has been so easy for him to disrespect me, realizing how I feel about myself. From what I hear about OW from OWH, she feels the same way about him -- like he's this big Christian with high principles and she's beneath him. Even as he is having sex with her and has abandoned his family, she thinks he is a godly man. They apparently read from the WSV (Wayward Standard Version).

It made me feel special that this godly man chose to date and marry me. Even when he stopped reading his Bible altogether, and it was like pulling teeth to get him to go to church -- in hindsight, as the affair was heating up -- I felt he was my superior. I think that's why I put up with it so long -- this feeling, reinforced by others, that he was one of the best guys around. And now I have fooled myself into thinking he's still a great father, because he takes our daughter cool places during visitation. If he was so great, he wouldn't have broken up her family. It's still hard to imagine that he could be preparing the way for OW by poisoining her mind with lies, but when I look into his eyes, that man I married is nowhere in sight.

So, I agree that I need to tell her the truth. She admires her daddy so much, it will be hard and I don't what to say. But if he were a drug addict, I'd need to find a way to tell her that daddy's behavior has nothing to do with her. And somehow she needs to know that his leaving his not her fault either. Ideas? What is age appropriate?

I am so sorry for what's happening to you. But you've come to the right place.

A 4-yr old is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. You can tell her the truth... that God hates divorce and what her daddy is doing is wrong. Explain how you and daddy made a promise to each other in front of God when you got married. Tell her that even though her daddy is doing wrong that you both still love her but that you will always be her mommy. Tell her that she can pray for her daddy... that his heart will change.

As your WH holds himself out to be a "man of God" he is even more accountable to those he harms by his actions. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes. He's playing with fire.

Why not an alienation of affection law suit against OW? I think this is a very good dose of reality on a OW. I wish I had known about this in my situation and would have warned any and all men my W was seeing that they would face such a lawsuit if they continued to contact my W.

She would have been furious, but, so what?

Let OW know that if she does not stop contacting your husband immediately that you will seek an alienation of affection suit. I believe juries are very friendly to BSes cheated on.

As of of July 2007, the only states that have AOA still on the books are Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah. But if you are in one of these states, that's a GREAT idea.