I have an apartment attached to my home that I have allowed her to rent in the past...since my son no longer wishes to go to her home. It really is two separate residences...with independent entrances and utilities. I had her move out all her stuff quite a while back and have been renting it out for about 18 months.
My renter is getting married and moving out...she wants back in..I don't want her there (as she is just trying to get close to me..which is not welcome). The problem is, she went behind my back and brought this up to my son before discussing it with me. Now he is hoping for this to happen..and I want advice on how to approach this.
I like to be honest with him in all things...but she has painted the picture that she is doing it to just be closer to him. I know better. And even if that was the case, that arrangement does not sit well for me and dating.
He wants her close and part of his reason is (and this breaks my heart) so that he knows she is not acting out. I have explained that that is not his job but his feelings persist.

Thoughts?

Medc,

I am sorry this situation has come up for you. How old is your son?

D/d happened when my son was 6. For a little guy, I was amazed at what he was able to understand even though he was so young. One thing I always gave him was reassurance of my love and understanding. I listened to his input and let him know I gave it my utmost attention, then together he and I worked on a solution.

take care,
L.

he's 12 and unfortunately has taken on a role with his mom that I have been trying to break him of. With me, he gets to be a 12 year old and have fun...when the conversation turns to his mom, he seems older/wiser and much too concerned with policing the actions of an adult. He knows how badly she has screwed up...heck, he was there...it seems like he wants to protect her from herself.

No matter how many times I let him know that his mom is an adult that will sink or swim on her own (and really she has been doing better) he seems far too concerned about her activities. He will even ask me to call her sometimes just to makes sure she is safe and acting "properly." It breaks my heart but as my IC tells me, this is an obvious consequence of her actions.

Thanks Orchid.

Your ex will always be your son's mom no matter what. How you handle the situation and how you treat her will make a long lasting print on how your son sees you. On the outside, a kid might act like a kid, but on the inside, a 12 year old sometimes knows and comprehends a lot more than what adults give him credit for.

BA

Looks like your son is being the adult instead of his mom. How sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Is your son in any type of IC? Might be a good time for him to get help in addition to your help. As a son, he may feel loyalties in both directions making it hard for him to do the right thing.

Maybe in my case, the benefit is that my son was younger and saw the difference in his youth. Our supporters emphasized it to him as well and that helped him stand up to his dad when he needed.

My son wrote out a 4 sentence letter to his dad which was heart wrenching. Has your son ever written out his feelings about this situation? Might be therapeutic.

take care,
L.

BA, please do not post to me. Although there was nothing offensive about your post, honestly I do not trust you and would prefer not to have your input.
Thank you for respecting my wishes.

I'm sorry MEDC-what a heartbreaker....

I really don't have any advice for you, except that you are the adult and you know what's best, even though the little guy is trying to do what he thinks is right. Only you know how ugly the sitch may get with her there, which wouldn't be good for any of you.

I agree w/Orchid on the IC and journal. Have you confronted her about this and the affect it is having on your son? Maybe if he wrote her a letter...

MEDC,

One thing I have learned to do with my DD is to make sure that she knows there are certain decisions that I make that she has no say so in. I made her very aware that her dad and I would make decisions regarding her based on what WE felt were in her best interests, not based on what she wanted.

It sounds harsh, but it takes all the heavy burden of guilt of off the child.

Your child feels he has some say so and therefore some responsibility in where his mother lives, and also who rents your apartment.

Let him know that you understand that he wants his mother living in your apartment, but that it is your decision and you will make in on what you feel is best for him, as well as for you.

This really isn't his decision to make, your ex was very wrong to bring it to him, and now you get to be the bad guy and say no.

That's okay though. Just be loving about it when you take all of the decision making off of his little shoulders by being the decision maker...then he gets to be the little kid who is in no way at fault or responsible.

he's talked to a therapist. it went well.

he keeps a journal and we have "family" talks when the need arises.

he has learned to express his anger towards his mom, which is healthy. To watch him, about a year ago, stand in front of her and say "I am so mad at you" was great. I don't want him to keep his feelings bottled up and always feel comfortable expressing his needs and emotions.

Do what you think is best for your son. Hopefully you can set boundaries with XW if that's what it takes to protect you, but if having her close is a good thing for him then consider it. He's headed into the teenage years which are so hard anyway. Do you deem her to be a good parent otherwise?

My DD has been given the liberty to call me whenever and as much as she likes, as well as to call her dad when she is with me. Can your son call his mother himself, and not have to ask you to do so? This was part of our joint custody agreement that she have free reign to call the other parent and I can call her as much as I need to as well. That she could call me without her fathers permission was extremely important to me when we first agreed to joint custody or even visitation way back in the beginning.

He doesn't feel he has a say in the matter...he knows he doesn't. He just expressed his desire and it was compounded by his mom bringing it to him before talking to me.

He doesn't view me as the bad guy at all...but I will make a point to let him know that while I recognize his desires, I need to do what I believe is in the best interest of all of us....including his mom (since she would be none to happy with certain realities of my life).

This is an excellent idea. Though my boys hate school and writing, I am going to make that suggestion.

Thank you

No.


And JJ, yes, he can call at anytime. he usually wants me to do it at night after he is in bed... I just don't want him calling to "check up" on her anyway.

Personally, I would talk to him in as adult manner as possible, give him that respect, because he's certainly trying to think like an adult. Tell him the truth about why it's a bad idea. He will appreciate the honesty at his age.

This is an old article, but it's very thorough, and you can learn a lot from it about how boys cope with divorce.
The Sons of Divorce

Also (from http://media.wiley.com/product_data/excerpt/4X/07879555/078795554X.pdf):
Whereas the primary feeling for six to eight-year-olds is sadness, it often changes to anger for nine- to twelve-year-olds. These children may be intensely angry at both parents
for the breakup or especially angry at the parent who initiated the separation. These children are prone to taking sides with one parent against the other and to assigning blame. These children are especially vulnerable to becoming embroiled in destructive parental battles in which one parent seeks to blame, harass, or get revenge on the other. Unfortunately, many parents actively enlist children in these toxic battles that are so harmful to parents and children alike.

Not only do they align with one parent against the other but
these children express anger in other ways. What do they do? Many single-parent mothers report that it is impossible to discipline their nine- to twelve-year-old sons. In addition, these children may angrily reject their out-of-home father’s attempts to spend time with them.

Anger is not the only reaction of these children, however. They are also sad about the breakup, worried about their parents’ wellbeing, afraid about what will happen to them, and lonely. In particular, children at this age feel powerless. They do not want the divorce; they miss their intact families, long for the out-of-home parent, and feel helpless to alter the enormous changes occurring in their lives. Fueled by angry defiance and discouraging feelings
of helplessness, school performance drops markedly for about half of the children in this age group. Other symptoms may emerge during this age period as well. For example, many children begin to have trouble getting along with their friends, get into fights with peers, or begin expressing physical complaints such as headaches and stomachaches. And some of these children become so concerned about their parents’ well-being that they try to act like adults and meet their parents’ emotional needs.

They lose their own childhood as they try to take care of their parents’ loneliness and depression or solve their financial worries.

You've been talking about moving...how does that fit into this?
Your son seems to want Mom close, and you're considering a move that could separate them by hours and miles.
Seems like this little rental situation is only the short range problem -- and you have a similar long range problem on the horizon.
Does your son know about your potential move yet?

I think it's wise that he understand that mom living so near to dad won't be all roses. I would explain the need for freedom to lead successful seperate lives. He's a smart boy....one so young who is looking out for his mom. Does she talk about her problems to him alot? I would think thats alot to put on a kid. He should just enjoy being a kid right now and not worry about adult issues.

It's so hard to be a single parent and then when the other one is such an irresponsible (I don't want to say idiot, but..) it is just hard.

MEDC, I know your dad has passed on, but is your mom or grandmother still alive? I hope you have a good support system. I sure know how hard and lonely it can be to be a single parent.

You are a great dad, MEDC...he will know this even if you have to play a little bit of a "bad guy" role here (so nice of her to lay that on you!). And he'll realize when he's older that it was for the best!

Lexxxy, he is okay with the move(in fact, gung ho). He has clearly stated that she will follow if she wants to be there.


SIHW...no she doesn't do that often...but then again, she doesn't see him too frequently either. It is more him not wanting her to screw up again.

JJ, I no longer have a relationship with my mom. I do have a great suppost system though with other family. Also, her parents have become very close to my son and I.

Thanks Ren.