I posted this in the divorce section also but wanted to get more advice if possible...


I'm new here but I really need unbiased advice. I've lurked here for a while.

History: I've been married to my husband for four years. We have a five year old son. We lived together for two years before our son was born. We moved in with each other only about three months after we met, things went pretty quickly in the beginning. We moved across the country about six years ago, so we have no family anywhere within thousands of miles. We both work full time, my job is steady but fairly stressful.

Our relationship became very strained when our son was born. He did not help out at all with taking care of our son or the housework. Things got worse when he started working on night shift, which was about four years ago. It continued to decline until he had an emotional affair two years ago. The OW's husband found out and told me. At that point we decided to stay together and try to work it out. I went to counselling, he never did. Things were ok for a while, but gradually started to decline again.

Part of my issues are me feeling like I'm just complaining. I feel stressed out all the time, I do everything to take care of our son, I do all the housework, literally all of it, and I work full time. He's very condescending towards me about the house being clean, it's never clean enough and it's always my fault. I never get to go out with friends without taking our son, because of his work schedule. I cannot even remember the last time I spent time with friends while he watched our son, it's happended maybe two or three times since he's been born. I guess I just feel very unappreciated.

I think I could deal with that, but I can't deal with the way he treats me and my son. He's always tired and cranky, and I know it's because of his work schedule but it doesn't make it easier to deal with. He screams and yells at us on regular basis. It's often for things related to the house being clean.

On New Years Eve, we stayed home and my son and I were playing video games while he was on his computer. He went to play too and sat on the carpet and there were some crumbs on the carpet. He screamed at my son and me about how we don't care about the house, we don't care about him, just went on and on screaming. Completely ruined the evening. This happens a lot, almost every day that we see him.

There are a lot of days during the week that we dont' see him at all, when we get home he's usually asleep and often doesn't wake up until after we go to bed. Honestly, I prefer this because we don't have to worry about his blow-ups.
This summer things got pretty bad, he started to get more physical. He's always spanked our son which I don't agree with but he started to get worse than spanking and physically threatened me when I tried to get between them. The next day I started making plans to leave. We talked about how unhappy I was and he agreed to go to counseling and said he would try harder to sleep more during the day so he'd be awake more at night. Neither of those things have happened. He hasn't been physical towards me since then though.

I haven't threatened to leave again, because I don't take that lightly but I just don't seem to be able to get through to him that things need to change. He thinks things are fine except that I don't show enough love to him. He acts like there's a switch I can just flip and suddenly be in love with him again without him having to change anything and it just doesn't work like that.

I have read "His Needs Her Needs" and really tried to meet his needs, but I really think he has unrealistic expectations of what I can do. He wants me to be June Cleaver while working full time. He will not read any books, will not go to counselling, when I suggest it he says I'm the one with the problems.

I just really hate how me makes me feel when he yells, screams and swears at me in front of our son. I don't want our son to grow up thinking that this is how we treat people.

If I'm honest with myself, I realize that I feel absolutely no affection towards him. My love bank has such a negative balance I don't know if it will ever recover.

I just don't know how much longer I can keep hoping things will change. I don't really think they will change since he refuses to seek help and doesn't even recognize that he needs help.

I think we're going to talk tonight, if anyone has advice to share on what to tell him, I'd really appreciate it.

Hi SG...

Welcome to MB!

The short answer is "not yet..."

There will be vets who will come along and help out, but until then, know that it IS possible to turn this around.

It IS possible for him to begin making deposits...once he knows how.

It appears you're dealing with a man who has been comfortable behaving the way he has.

He doesn't yet fully understand how it's wrong to do so.

You can't educate him, you can't tell him, you can't make him "be nice"...

You CAN make sure that you're fully aware of what YOU need, and that YOU are are taking steps to hold up your end of the bargain.

That's where you and MB come in...

Make sure you understand about "giver/taker"...it sounds as though you're giver is done give-up...

Continue to read and educate yourself, and in the process try to understand YOUR side of the equation.

One question...why post here on GQII?

I hope it's because there's more traffic here...that's understandable...

Unless...are you considering, or have you already had an affair?

Please don't...

For your sake, his sake, and the sake of your young son...

The answers you seek will not to be found in the arms of another...

NO, I have not had an affair. Honestly, I wouldn't even have the time. My husband also has become very suspicious of everything that I do since he had his emotional affair. It doesn't really bother me because I have nothing to hide, but I guess it just adds to my feelings of being bullied by him.

Your other assumption was correct, it seems like more people read this board than the first one that I posted on. Since we'll probably talk about this tonight, I wanted as much advice as possible before I talk to him.

Thank you for the advice, I just don't know how to make him understand that he needs to put in some effort too. Like you said, this giver has just about given up.

Define this in regard to how he punishes your 5 year old -

"This summer things got pretty bad, he started to get more physical. He's always spanked our son which I don't agree with but he started to get worse than spanking and physically threatened me when I tried to get between them."

sg82,

Your H is an abuser. I have very personal experience with this kind of situation.

My X beat the crap out of both of my boys, and me too if I argued. I learned not to argue.

I did not protect my kids like I should have, I was abused and isolated and very young.

My oldest son still has a lot of blank spots in his memory of when he was little. He doesn't remember too much until after I divorced his dad. My son was 8 at the time. His father was BRUTAL. My X has passed away and I am not sorry. He can't hurt my boys anymore.

Anyway, all I am saying is don't let this man hurt your son anymore. I can't tell you strongly enough how much this man is hurting your son. My son is 30 now, and he is an abuser. He will never heal until he deals with his issues with his father. He is very much tormented, and rides a rollercoaster with addiction and abuse issues in his adult life. There is much, much more to it, but I just want to give you an idea of what might be in store for your sons future.

Get away from this man, now. If there is any chance of reconciliation, it should only be after your H has some intense counseling. What he is doing is NOT okay. You have to protect your son. No one else will. Not having any family around to stand up to your H just makes it worse.

He is yelling and screaming at you IN FRONT of your son. He is HITTING your son. And if I get this correct you said it got worse than spanking. This means he was or is beating your son. Next time he does this, call 911. I am serious. You cannot let this man get away with this any longer.

If you care at all for your darling son, get away. You need to set some very firm boundaries, and your H hitting your son should be a deal breaker.

I am sorry, but this upsets me a great deal. I have been there, and so has believer.

Please, qualify why you would stay with this guy?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps, I know this is a marriage building site, however, some situations cross that line and I believe this is one of them.

The example that was the worst for me was when he grabbed him and pushed him hard against the wall. This was a very sensitive situation for me because that's exactly how my Dad broke my collarbone when I was a kid. That's the time that I tried to get between them and he did the same to me and threatened to hit me.

Other times he drags him around by the arm, forcefully, he's picked him up and thrown him onto the bed forcefully, which I really feel is more than just spanking. The difference to me is that he is completely out of control when he gets like this. Again, I'm more sensitive to this because this is exactly how my father was. My husband knows this.

Miss M, thank you for your post. I guess I knew that he is abusive, but hadn't admitted to myself that he is an abuser.

Talking last night did not go well.

There was a bouquet of flowers on the table when I got home. He was sleeping. I put the flowers into water and started making dinner. I was on the phone with a friend when he woke up, and he sat down at the computer. After I hung up, I continued making dinner and he continued using the computer.

He then storms out to the kitchen, grabs the flowers, opens the back door and throws them outside and slams the door shut. He yelled something about how I couldn't even say hi to him when he woke up and stormed into the bedroom.

He stayed in the bedroom while I got dinner ready for my son and I. I gave our son a bath and put him to bed and layed down with my son since I didn't want to go into the bedroom. I guess when he starts yelling like that I just kind of shut down and try to avoid him.

After I laid down with my son, he stormed into my sons room and demanded that I get up and talk to him. I told him I didn't want to talk when he was like this and he yelled to get up and talk to him. So I went out to the living room, and he just screams at me for avoiding him and how he just wants me to love him.

I just find it ironic that he tries to tell me to love him by screaming at me.

He will not admit that he is doing anything wrong, and I dont' see that as a good sign that anything will change.

I will be calling a lawyer today, although I will have to try to find one that will work pro bono. My husband controls all of the finances and I have no money saved away for myself. I've been trying, but there's always something that we need that my husband won't give me money for and I end up using the money I've saved up.

Gosh, the more I write this out and read what I'm writing, the more I realize what a controlling person he's become.

So thank you all for your advice, but I will be leaving. It's what I need to do for both me and for my son.

Thank you.

sg,

Thanks for the reply. I am bumping up for more help for you.

I am sorry if I was harsh, but my boys and myself are still feeling the consequences of an abusive father/husband.

Your H is definitely a dangerous man. Please try not to respond to his madness.

I, for one, am glad to see you leaving. There is absolutely no excuse for your H to treat you or son in the manner you described. You need to be very careful, as you will see a lot of fireworks when you leave. I hope you have a safe place where you will have protection.

Please keep us all updated, you will get lots of help here. Hopefully some wise ones will post to you.

Blessings,
Love in Christ,
Miss M

Are there any shelters in your area where you can go with your son?

Your post really scared me. I had an abusive boyfriend once so I've had a taste of it but I've had friends and acquaintances who were in situations that were far worse.

There was a lady I used to work with who was and as far as I know, IS still in this situation.

Her son grew up watching this and became an abuser.

She used to come into work beat to a pulp sometimes. We tried to help her and get her to leave but she never did.

I'm glad you are taking steps to protect yourself and your precious child.

((((((((((spacegirl))))))))))

Take care,

Charlotte

please read fireblossoms thread. your H is an abuser. I would ask that if you want some help finding a place to go, please let me know either here or via email. I will bump her thread and her H's thread as well. Please pay attention to the abuse...your child does not deserve to be a victim or witness this abuse.

Hi spacegirl. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

There are definitely things that you can do to improve your situation.



And you know what? I'll bet that probably IS what he wants. It is likely the same thing you want, as well. But I see you both using methods that make that goal highly unlikely.

From his end, learning how to communicate as a mature adult would be a start. You can't force him to do this, HOWEVER...

I see you enabling him.

If you were to become more emotionally healthy and learn appropriate boundary enforcement, he would be much more likely to decide to change on his own.

If he decides that is not what he wants to do, at the very least you will have learned healthier methods of relating that can improve your chances of success in future relationships.

Do you understand the concept of changing what you CAN control - yourself, to encourage change in the dynamic of your marriage?

Dr. Harley defines marital abuse as the intent to cause your spouse's unhappiness. There is a lot that fits under that umbrella...everything from screaming at your spouse to physical abuse to non-negotiated expenditures.

It has been my experience that in situations as your describe your marriage being, focusing your efforts solely on meeting EN's is counter-productive.

Are you up for learning some new methods?

the man has been physically abusive to his child. She should take action to get away from this man.

Her words...

"physically threatened me when I tried to get between them"

This is ABUSE.


"he grabbed him and pushed him hard against the wall"

This is ABUSE of a 5 year old child. ABUSE.




"Other times he drags him around by the arm, forcefully, he's picked him up and thrown him onto the bed forcefully, which I really feel is more than just spanking. The difference to me is that he is completely out of control when he gets like this."

This is ABUSE.

I have tried to control my reactions to him and enforce boundaries. I have been to counseling and read books. I know there's a long way to go, but I really feel that I've tried.

Sure, I'm up for learning new methods but not while living under the same roof. I really think that I need to be away from him before I can really start dealing with him better. I guess I feel like I need to remember what it's like to not be controlled by someone like I have been with him.

Thank you all for your responses, they have really helped.

Thank you MEDC.

Bumping up.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I don't recommend marriagebuilding for you.

I agree that your son is in danger and could have been injured already.

I agree with your PLAN to leave ASAP...but don't tell your H.

Find a safe place to go..folks in your community who can help you with this...

yep! 100%

Listen to everyone. Sorry you are here. I grew up with two abusive parents- I know how it is. They divorced when I was 4, brother 1. If he does anything like you describe, have him arrested. Have a women's shelter address and phone number handy. You should probably go there even if just to receive support and some quick counseling.

Don't consider MB at all right now, unless for support for you from everyone here. MB will come IF he commits to changing himself, THEN consider MB.

Your main focus now should be your child, then you, then him.

He sounds a lot like my brother and father- have you had any reason to suspect mental issues? There is in my family- luckily Im a little watered down? Lol. I know i'm at least a little OCD. Any family history with his family ie. similar behavior and/or patterns, problems?

Good luck! We wish you the best.