I have been married to my childhood sweetheart for 12 years. We have four children. I have been depressed and self absorbed with life since my 2year old was born.

My husband has always been perfect. Too perfect sometimes. It made me feel bad, but i felt his love for me all that time. Then he got depressed at work and told me he was miserable. I shrugged it off, as once he got another job it would be fine.
It wasn't.

3months ago i started to come out my dark place and i noticed things were bad. We talked, but at this time he discussed us with his friend. Now he says he has fallen in love with her. All this time i was trying to make things better, but i caught him sending a love e-mail and he had to admit to it. He has been lying for months about funny phone calls meetings etc.

I am so sad.

He called it off. It was EA, but i don't really feel grateful. She phoned and apologised and said she'd stay away.

But. She passes his work every day. They bumped into each other in town. Saying i miss you. I am sooo jealous.

He says he wants to try but that he's emotionally wrung. Dead inside apart from her. He doesn't think he'll ever love me again.
He is still attracted to me and sex is every day. It used to be 2or3 times a month. There's no emotion in it though which makes me sad.

I can't imagine life ever being okay again and i can hardly look at my poor children. I wish they'd disappear.

I know it's not their fault but when i look at them i see my world falling apart and my perfect family as another statistic and me as a poverished single mum with no support.

I emigrated from the UK 6 years ago.

Me 30
H 30
DD 12
DS 10
DS 7
DS 2

I AM REPLYING TO MYSELF.I JUST CAME BACK IN THE ROOM AND READ MY POST. It is funny how when you try to squash things down they don't make sense. I come across as selfish and i don't know what. I am not even sure I've written in the right place . EA being slightly different to full blown. I have read this site and got my husband too as well. He says it sounds well and good....but...

I was told by my Mother to imagine the worst scenario out of this. Accept it, and then things can only get better. That it will take away the fear i have of losing my H.

But where do i find the courage or sense of mind to do that, when the thought of it has me contemplating suicide or mass murder. Should i be locked up and have my children removed from my care or is it normal to feel so desperate to hold on to what i have that any other way out seems the preferable option.

Dear Kanne,
First of all I'm so glad you found this web site! You are in a good place now and I want to encourage you that its going to be ok and for sure you will get through this.

I don't have time to respond to your post right now but I want to quickly reasure you that help is on the way!!!

You're situation is not at all new, with the help you are going to recieve here, you'll soon find out that there is hope for complete recovery.

Take a deep breath and know that help is on the way. I know first hand what you're going through and I promise you are going to be okey.

Stillhurts (no more)

Kanne,

Your husband is in what we call the fog. This is not at all uncommon and it will take some time and hard work to help him get past this.

Have you read Longhorns thread for newly betrayed spouses? If not go there first.

It sounds like your husband is willing to try so it’s a very good start.

The OW said she will stay away and that too is very positive.

If you are willing and ready to save your marriage be assured that it is possible. I won't say its going to be easy but with a positive attitude, some hard work and with some great help from others here, you and your husband can get through this and fall in love all over again.

Helping your husband get out of the fog will be your first goal. In my case it took time and careful attention to meeting my wife's needs that I had been neglecting. This is all explained in the "basic concepts" which you can find at the top of this page.

When I began to start meeting her needs, I was able to make deposits in her love bank, which caused her to feel safe and not judged or condemned. I had to be very careful not to make any LB (love busts), which only took away from all that I had accomplished.

Be quick to listen to what he has to say and slow to speak, so that he can slowly but surely find comfort in being with you and not the OP (other person)

Read the book "His Needs Her Needs" it will help you both learn to meet each other’s needs and to communicate effectively. You'll find that there isn't hurt feelings but rather a sense of relief that each of you understand each other rather than reject and hurt one another.

Keep posting here with questions and issues that arise. There are allot of awesome people here that can walk you through every situation. You are not alone!

I'll look for your next post.

Thankyou for your reply. Longhorns thread was helpful.
Though i need to digest it all i think.
It is hard to meet someones needs though when they wont tell you what they are.
I think about what i was like in the past with him, and how good it was. I guess i am trying to recreate that.
Even thats hard as i keep having bouts of crying which he finds hard to deal with and i drag him further down.
It doesn't help that he is adamant that it is his fault and that he's changed and i have nothing to do with it as i am such a lovely person. (Idont know where he's been living for the last 2 years. I have been a miserable cow.)
I have asked him to fill in the emotional needs questionnaire but he is busy (no really. He has a deadline for a big project) So i am trying to be patient.
I can't believe we were so happy for so long and now its come to this. How could i have been stupid enough to take all that love for granted.

Kanne,

Please understand that this is not all your fault. Yes you played a part in it but he made the choice to stray.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are a mother of four darling children, which says, allot about who you are. You have been nurturing this family for that last 12 years or more, giving your all for their well being and lively hood in good times and bad. You have sacrificed your time, love and devotion to make this family one. You my dear are a SAINT, not a anything less!!!

Get a good nights sleep tonight and keep reminding yourself that you are a good person and this situation is not your portion. You are strong and will get through this.

I just showed your post to my FWW (former wayward wife) and she is so behind you with encouragement as well. We have just sat together and prayed for a complete healing in your marriage. We are praying for your children as well, that their hearts will be covered with peace and a sense of understanding that Mum and Dad will be OK.

God Bless,
SH

Is your husband committed to your marriage and saving it?

Will he go no contact with this OP?

Kanne,

How are you doing?

SH

Thankyou for those words SH. I am in a different time zone here so after coming off the computer yesterday i had an okay afternoon. Thats an improvement. I don't really feel angry at my husband for his feelings. just disappointed. It is the lies that make me angry. I thought i was a strong person and my sister went through something similar a few years ago. It ended badly. I didn't fully empathise with her as i only thought i knew how she felt.

To bigkahuna. My husband says he is committed to having a go at saving our marriage, but i know he has no belief that it is possible. Also i am sure he will not contact op and she will not contact him. However, she passes his work everyday and is friends with many of his friends so how likely it is they will meet is what bothers me.

what is his plan for saving the marriage?

He has read through Harleys concepts and infidelity pages. He thinks we should do what it says. Though without any enthusiasm.Which i know is normal. We are trying to spend more time talking to each other and have arranged a few nights out. He is making all the right motions and saying the right things but it is like it is coming through a robot.
My doctor is sure he is depressed, he of course is adamant he is not. I figure he is, but that the separation from ow is why.

He is angry and resentful towards me as well. I mentioned that if things don't work out, then i may need to go back overseas to be with my family. He understands my reasoning but says he doesn't want to lose the children, nor does he want to leave here. Which will force him to stay with me unhappy. Then this scenario we are in will reoccur in the future.

I have asked him to put that aside for now as we can't foresee any real outcome until we are there.

If this wasn't so. He would realise that moving overseas is way down on my list of options and the above ones are the ones he should be worried about. All of which are hopefully a product of my extreme emotions.

He is involved in a project which will be finished in the next week or two and until then we come second. There is no option to put it off for financial reasons.
I am hoping we will be able to fill out the EN questionnaire
and be able to form a better plan of action then.

Kanne,

You have been receiving good advice. You asked a question about meeting his needs and not knowing what they are.

I think you realize that the state of the marriage had something to do with your actions/inactions probably due to the depression you felt.

I hope you realize that his choice to have an EA was HIS choice and thus he is correct to accept FULL responsibility for it.

NOw let's consider his resentment. What do you think he resents? Can you list these things? Here is why I ask. I know you are hurt, but often the BS has to carry the freight for awhile until the recovery train starts to roll.

It seems to me you and your H need to think about what BK asked you: What is your plan, your H's plan?

Since your H's focus is elsewhere right now, I would encourage you to take this time to "be still". To revisit your marriage and decide what needs to be "spruced up", what needs to be changed, and what would make YOU happy in this marriage.

Let me make a guess and guess that your H is a problem solver. Let me guess again and guess that in his way he has been trying to fix "your" problem (the depression) for a few years now. He clearly didn't know how, perhaps what he was trying to fix. He failed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I would bet that he like most of us guys doesn't like failure much and especially if it is failing our spouse.

If these guesses have any merit then your H's resentment is more about his failure and perception that he cannot "fix" this marriage. Hence a plan from you should include thoughts on how you can rebuild him. How you can address his fears of failing again. How you can address your own fears. How you can address your depression in a way that makes him know you have a clearer understanding of how to deal with it IF it were to strike again.

Given your timeline I am guessing (yes again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) that it was post partum depression.

You have a lot of reasons for hope. You have a lot of reasons to think that you can come up with a plan, and then assist your H in coming up with a plan to rebuild this marriage and make it better.

It takes time, patience, empathy, and a healthy does of guts to do it. But, people here have done it. Let this site, the information in it, and what you read and learn guide you. Have patience with yourself and your H and be still for awhile as you learn, think, and plan.

I hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

Okay. That has given me a lot to think about.

Your right, my H is a problem solver and he gave up trying to fix us over a year ago. He indicated that he had been trying for over a year to feel better but it wasn't working.

I pointed out that it feels unfair to me for him to call it quits after trying that long when i was unaware of what was happening to us.

My doctor said that i am probably suffering post partum depression combined with the affects of long term iron deficiency making everything seem much harder than it was.

Once i started taking iron it took 3 months and i felt much better. Until i realised my H was disconnected to me.

:If these guesses have any merit then your H's resentment is more about his failure and perception that he cannot "fix" this marriage. Hence a plan from you should include thoughts on how you can rebuild him. How you can address his fears of failing again. How you can address your own fears. How you can address your depression in a way that makes him know you have a clearer understanding of how to deal with it IF it were to strike again.:

I am a little lost here. How do i rebuild him? Or address his fears.

I am relatively confident i wont succumb to depression again as i am not having anymore children (i had it with my third as well.) So in the unlikely event of another pregnancy i would speak to my doctor. I should have this time but that is a long story as well.

I have read this site more than a few times and i think i am absorbing more each time. It just feels like a horrible soap opera i am in. (and i have read stories on here a billion times worse/harder than mine) Yet i still feel so bad.
I am putting on a happy face. It is my DS birthday today and we went out for dinner. The pit in my stomach seems to grow though everytime my H looks at me without the love in his eyes that was always there.

My H is such a wonderful man, father and husband(apart from this EA) maybe he is right and he has just changed and i am not who can make him happy. (He said too that he is also not what i need.)

I of course disagree. I want him and only him and can never imagine another man living up to all that my H is.

Don't take everything your husband says as the way it has to always be. His feelings for you can come back. My husbands feelings came back.

I am glad you spoke with your Dr. regarding your depression.

Put any thoughts of murder/suicide out of your mind. Those thoughts come from an evil place and they aren't a solution to your situation. You need to fight for your marriage and family in a positive way. Read about plan A on this site.

I understand that at times things seem hopeless. Your situation is far from hopeless. Yes, there are many worse than yours that have recovered. Granted some of the recoveries are personal recoveries and not their marriage but your case sounds like it may very well be one that makes it.

Your children need a chance to experience a full life. It would be extremely selfish to not allow that. It would cause misery and grief to all who know you for years to come.

Gather all the strength that you can muster and work on saving your marriage. It sounds like your husband is at least willing to try. Read all you can. Read Surviving an Affair together and His Needs Her Needs,

You can do this...you really can.

Take care of yourself physically/mentally. Try to eat a good diet and take at least a B complex vitamin which helps stress...a good multi vitamin perhaps. Get out an walk with your kids. Exercise can help you battle your depression too.

Thankyou all for your comments. I am surprised at how much comfort there is in knowing other people are interested enough to give advice and opinions. This is the first time i have ever been on a forum of any kind. I will consider all comments i get and think hard on each.

I am feeling a lot better. My H is making lots of effort to keep a light atmosphere. He appears to be responding slightly to thoughtful gestures i am making and is even joking a bit.

I am finding the trust thing is hard as i am questioning(in my mind) every move he makes. I am trying hard to accept he is being genuine. Whilst watching for tell tale signs of deceit.

It is hard not to rush things forward as he is starting to feel like the man i know and love again. Without the return of his love though, which makes me cautious. I don't want to come on too strong.

My feelings about the children has resolved and was no doubt drowned out with all the pain i was in.
Now just trying to be the Wife and Mum that i want to be.


A good friend has just renewed her vows with FWH. Their D day was 6 years ago. It took 2 years for things to be okay and 4 more to get back to madly in love. Still they got there. Success stories are very comforting.

Okay i DONT feel good today. My H is going out from 2pm until who knows, drinking. Its a Friends birthday.
Hoping OW wont be out as it is quite likely.
He has reassured me a billion times that it was a mistake. It went to far and crossed friendship but that now he knows better he wont make that mistake again.

Everything else the last few weeks concurs with that.. but...
H wasn't going to go but was angry and resentful as HE KNOWS there would be no problem. He agreed not to go for my sake. That wasn't working, as he would be feeling all those negative feelings because of me and i am trying to make things better not worse. Anyway, initially i felt relief that he would be happy now when i said I changed my mind just go. (he put up a small fight)
Now i just feel sick and can imagine all sorts when he's going to have been drinking all day.
It sounds kinda not a big deal written down here, but it definitely feels like one.

Things feel A LOT BETTER, H is making plenty of effort. I feel much happier about things and he seems to. Talking about plans for future too. So providing it is all honest and truthful i couldn't ask for more. Concentrating on depositing as much as possible in love bank. Hoping it will fill enough to see the look in his eyes i used to see.