Well folks I discovered that my wayward exGF had Borderline Personality Disorder (undiagnosed but when I read the description I thought someone had been writing it about her) which explained a lot of her behavior specifically her affair. Unfortunately the closer I got it became too intense for her to handle i.e fear of intimacy and hence her desire to leap into an affair. I would recommended that you google it look at the criteria and think if it applies to your spouse or significant other. Borderlines have high incidence of affairs.

It is true BPD's do jump into affairs I am one of them. I never thought I would do anything like that--I love my H very, very much and never wanted to hurt him. I have had other self-destructive behavior this is just the worse-I feel. I told him I wish I would have done something else--he just wish I didn't do anything. All my self-des. behavior hurts him. It is more reckless sexual behavior. I am not trying to excuse my behavior!! I just know that you are right Borderlines do have a high incidence of affairs. I am very blessed to have a H that loves me unconditionally and knows about borderline behavior. Just beware to not label all who do this as borderline or give them an out with it.

Thanks for this Infodude.. FIL actually sent me a thing on BPD and his thoughts on how it applied to WW about a week ago.

If your exGF does suffer from BPD, will she talk to you about it? Untreated it can create viscious destructive cycles in their lives.

Tigerlady,

Great to hear from you. It's very hard for those with BPD to seek help so you are a woman of great courage and I really admire you for recognizing your behaviors and recognizing how much your husband means to you.

While my exgf was not diagnosed I realized she fit the criteria when I started reading about BPD in books and reading others experiences.

She was BPD-co morbid with Histrionic Personality Disorder.

Certainly not everyone who has an affair has BPD or another personality disorder but I feel that some people may gain better insight on their spouse by looking up the problems that can be associated with personality disorders.

Well James,

We're not speaking to each other and it's been that way for almost a month.

The problem is that she's "painted me black" so to speak.

Someone with BPD looks at things as all white or all black with no shades of gray. So either you can do no wrong or you can do no right.

She ahs to get help herself unfortunately I can't bring it up otherwise she'll rage uncontrollably.

She knows there's something wrong and in one of our last encounters she admitted to hearing voices.

Essentially until, she gets behavioral therapy she's a 30 yr old woman with the emotional mind frame of a 6 year old.

Thanks for the encouragement. It is not easy living w/BPD and it is a long road to recovery with setbacks. I am so blessed to have the husband I have--words can never express how much I love and admire him. I do agree that it is worth looking into for people who go through this. I think there are more people out there w/ BPD then is known. It really helped my H to go to therapy with me and have the therapist explain my behavior. It has been hard to find help that fits our situation--books don't fit and what I read doesn't fit. Therapist is working w/ me to get better and a little w/ H to cope with the infidelity. Husband doing better than me in the recovery process. Sorry for rambling. Thanks for bringing this to everyones attention.

Tiger lady,

Believe me you are an inspiration to me as you give me hope that perhaps one day my ex girlfriend will get the help she needs.

From the numbers I've read 15-25% of undiagnosed patients who come into inpatient/outpatient clinics have BPD.

I believe Dr.Kreshman in the book I hate you don't leave me indicated about 20 million people have BPD in the U.S. That estimate was back in 1991 so I would imagine that the number has increased quite a bit since it is often missed by many health professionals.

I really hope she gets help. It is scary for most because we don't know any other way to live so we have to learn a whole new life. Since we are driven a lot by fear of abandonment--if we get better will the people that love us leave us? I have been inpatient at MHU w/ at least half of us diag. BPD. Thankfully I have a great support system and that is a big key to helping someone get better. Hopefully your ex will get the right support system to help her get better. It is very hard to watch someone we love self-destruct and watch them think they are not hurting us just themselves. (that is what my H has said) It took me a long while to realize I was hurting my family with my behavior (this was not my infidelity {H only knows about that}--other stuff). I know now and I wish I could take it all back. So there is hope if someone will lead your ex to get help. Again sorry for rambling.

I hope so as well. You're not rambling. I got a bunch of books today so it's helping reading them all. I was in an outpatient program myself to deal with my depression as a result of the break-up, infidelity, and her abuse not to mention some issues I had.

It's been hard because I know she does love me but things ended in a fairly nasty manner.

We've not spoken for a month.

She was hearing voices at one of our last meetings so it wasn't going so well.

She did apologize which is something albeit an empty apology.

Who knows if I'll hear from her again.