Hi stilloving,
I think one of the biggest aha moments I ever had was about "trust". I always believed that trust was all about other people did or didn't do....but I don't think so anymore. First of all....that's outside of my locus of control so even if part of trust is the "belief" in the integrity of someone else...I can't make anyone do the right thing. There is no such thing as absolute trust...and people can't give it to you. The other part of trust is about lack of fear....fear of how you'll react, fear of how you'll cope with your anxiety and angst. Fear about not being able to predict the future with certainty. Fear that you will be hurt again. You asked the question about how you can trust your husband. You can't. But that's not the question you need to answer. What you really need to know is "How can I stop being afraid?"
"Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections." Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If you're playing the game with sweaty palms, it's because you're afraid of what you can or can't do, or dealing with your own imperfections — it's not about the other person.
For a long time, every time my husband left the house, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. If he was late coming home....I felt sick and nauseous. I lost sleep worrying about the future. But neither marriage nor life come with guarantees. You can never be absolutely sure that your husband will never cheat again....but you can be absolutely sure that you are being the best wife you can be, that you are doing all you can to prevent a reoccurence and that you are prepared to face life and marriage believing you have the emotional strength to deal with an uncertain future. You might get hurt again. Learn how to cope with pain and fear so that you don't need to predict the future to feel safe in every aspect of your life. Everyone of us is going to face adversity and uncertainty....so it's important to learn how to mitigate the risks we take every day. If you make your husband entirely responsible for how safe you feel....you're giving away an awful lot of power and you're at more risk, rather than less.
I wrote this a while back....but I think it might be helpful:
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It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear
Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".
There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.
MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.
You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.
Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.
If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.
Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.
Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.
Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.
Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.
And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.
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