This morning, while emptying the dryer, I found a beer cap. Finding that beer cap, was like a rock stomping on my heart. For anyone who doesn't know my story, please read my profile.<P>Over the weekend, I asked my H if he drank anything alcoholic while he was out duck hunting. He denied it and said, "no, I told you I wouldn't." So then I told him how proud I was of him.<P>People are asking me how my H is doing and if he is staying away from the alcohol. Here I am answering, "Yes, I'm so proud of him." Everyone says they are proud of him too.<P>Doesn't he even have a conscience when he lies? How can he even stand himself, knowing that he is a liar??<P>I'm so stupid. Here he is lying to me. What should I expect? Alcoholics lie??<P>Alcohol is what ruined our marriage and led to his affair. I'm afraid of it ruining our marriage again. Our marriage was going so great and now it sucks! <P>The lies are too much to take and it leads to more lies and deceit.<BR>Who knows...he probably has been drinking all this time and has been good at concealing it.<P>What am I going to do?? I feel so pathetic for even trusting him again....Why did my H have to be an alcoholic??<P>p.s. I accidentally chose the icon, "happy face." I really meant to choose the icon, "sad face." I really am not happy....just so very sad...<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited October 13, 1999).]

No Trust - I am so sorry. This has to be very hard for you. My first husband was an alcoholic and yes, we both know, they do lie. Looks like all addictions are the same. My advice may not be the best, but I would ask him. Simply sweetly, "This came out of your clothes in the dryer and I have been so worried since I found it." Tell him you're worried, tell him you love him, tell him how proud you've been of him, but you need for him to be honest with you even if he slipped on the hunting trip. If he answers you honestly, you know the drill all too well - lots of praise for his honesty (even though it was late), encouragement that one slip-up doesn't mean he gives up, etc, etc. <P>Anyway, just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I'll keep you two in my thoughts.<P>Lori

Lostva...thank you for your nice thoughts and concerns...<P>Update: This morning, my H came home from the graveyard shift and I confronted him about it in a non-lovebusting way.<P>He replied, "I didn't drink. I told you I wouldn't and I haven't. Do you know how old that bottle cap is? It is from the last time I hunted, when I was still drinking. Those pants have been in the basement ever since. I didn't wash them until now. My friend (his hunting buddy) knows that I am trying to stop drinking and won't even offer me alcohol. I will honestly tell you if I have a slip-up and if I did drink...but I haven't had a slip-up yet. Please believe me."<P>All I did was thank him for his honesty, although I don't know for sure if he is telling me the truth. It feels like the truth, but I'm so afraid to trust now, that I don't know if it truly is the truth.<P>I guess I will have to let this one go and hope there are no other incidents like this.

No Trust, initially when I was reading your post I was thinking to myself it could very well be and old bottle cap. It sounds as though he is trying very hard to meet your expectations, the hardest thing about this is to trust, and that I believe is something earned. There is a reason you believed him when he first came home, you instinctively sensed he was telling the truth and his explaination is very concievable, so there is no justification in believing otherwise. I think you used wise judgement in confronting him in a non-lovebusting way. To do otherwise would have only added suspicions to your trust issues. Good job! God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Chick's....thank you for your response. It is always nice to see the opinion of a 3rd person. I don't know how I am doing this, but I'm glad that I didn't lovebust. I guess this forum is really helping me to mature in my marriage and in myself.

NT - good girl. Trust your instincts on this one!! <P>Lori

NoTrust: I think you did the right thing, by not taking it any further. I know how difficult it is, especially when you are married to a man who is an habitual liar. I too, want to believe my H, but I have found that he will lie about nothing of any relevance, and that is what really worries me.<P>This weekend, was our 35th. anniversary. We left early Friday morning to go out of town, and came back late Saturday night. My husband had stopped smoking about 16 years ago, and about 5 years ago, I noticed that he would have the taste and odor of cigarettes, when he came home from work. I brought this to his attention many times, and his reply, was to tell me that not only was he not smoking again, but, the smell was from my smoking. I assumed he had no reason to lie to me, as I am a smoker, and I'm certainly not his mother. <P>We moved to the country 2 1/2 years ago, and while my H was doing some work outside, I went around the side of the house to join him. What did I see, but him smoking! I got so disgusted with him, I threw my hands in the air, and went back into the house. He followed me in, and explained to me that he had been smoking for about 3 years. I found no problem with the smoking, but, I did find a very big problem with him lying about it. I asked him why he was "hiding" outside, like a little child, and his reply was that one smoker smelling up the house, was enough! <P>I know he has smoked in his workshop, as well as the washroom (I would call those rooms, part of the house) but, I never have said anything more about it. So, this weekend, we were staying at a hotel. My H goes into the washroom, and I hear this continuous clicking, coming from the room. I knew he was having a cigarette, and his lighter was not working properly. I said nothing about this. Saturday morning, we go on a shopping trip, and he stayed in the truck, while I went into the store. There was nothing there to interest me, so I came back out, obviously, sooner than he expected. There he was, having a smoke. I said nothing, but, H volunteers to me that it was the first cigarette he had smoked, since leaving the morning before. There was no reason for him to even explain anaything to me, as I said nothing, but H volunteered that that was the first smoke he had, since leaving home the morning before. I couldn't let it go by, so I told him how I had heard him trying to get his lighter to work in the washroom, the night before. Not only did he deny it, but, he told me that he doesn't even use a lighter anymore. At that point, I just got in the truck, and didn't comment. <P>So, we get home Saturday night, and the first thing my H does is to light the fireplace. What did he use to light it? A lighter from his pocket! I knew if I questioned him about it, he would have told me he had purchased it earlier in the day. <P>My point to all of this is, once they tell one lie, for whatever reason, they must continue telling more lies, to cover up for the first one. Nothing is more disappointing, than to learn that you have been lied to, and when you confront them, they not only deny it, but turn it around to make you the guilty party. If it were me, I would not speak about the beer cap anymore, but I would certainly pay very close attention to more signs of drinking. Hopefully, you won't find any.<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

Hi NT!<P>So funny to be responding to you this way...It sounds like you have things under control and I am really proud of you for the way you handled it. I think I may have gone too far and jumped to conclusions before I gave him a chance to explain. It is hard to not do the lovebusting, but you did it.<P>I would give him the benefit of the doubt and just keep my eyes open wide.<P>You are doing great! Keep it up!

Thanks everyone for replying to my Post. I'm still learning how to trust. It is hard. I will give my H the benefit of the doubt. I hope there aren't anymore incidents that make me suspicious. Anyway, thanks again!