Thanks MFIL, you are so right about the phone calls.
And you know what, I told him I gotta go call me later if you want to discuss a different plan.

tick tick tick. I can hear crickets chirping. He just wants to GET to me.

Awww, I feel for you if your DS is having a hard time with the exchange. Don't you with those darn waywards would open their eyes?!

Seriously is your WS mad at you too? It is hysterical b/c there is no way on God's green earth that my WH can say I didn't try. I mean, if you were to write down his efforts, you maybe could fill up ten lines. Mine would fill up an entire notebook. The thing is, he didn't take MC seriously enough to continue and couldn't own up to the consequences...meaning me having to deal with triggers and him explaining things to me, etc. He didn't have much patience and even then I tried to be "good" and not rock the boat quite too much.
He would start LB'ing just as I was trying to talk about my feelings. THPPT to that anymore! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

1 for 5 is his recommendation

Yoda, is that you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Oh hi Res...and oh yes I understand about the music. So sorry, I didn't even think about that. Duh me!

lol, you liked that little bit of tough love huh? I swear some people on here throw LB's all over the place, it's kind of a "pot here'e the kettle" thing.

BigK, hey I saw your pic with your family on the MB photo thread. It's so cool to put a face with a name.
Thanks for reading my tormented life story. Someone could write a book with all the drama that goes on in our lives.

1 for 5 means I don't have to wait very long. We would have celebrated our 2 yr wedding anniv this spring.

But I know it would be to my detriment and to that of my kids. I would never ever risk their healing for anything in the world.

See...just that you got the Yoda thing without me saying anything is what makes you so cool! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

PS-you'll know when you are ready...but are you ready to give up your M yet? (no judgements, I would TOTALLY understand either way, ya know!) Just want you to be sure. Sounds like Plan B is doing its intended job, though.

My WH is such a bully and he is involving my place of employment now. I'm not sure how to handle this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

He called me today 6 times at work. We have a receptionist who picks up and then sends the caller to our line and asks over our individual phone intercom(out loud) if we want to take the call. I had her send it to my VM each time, then he'd try my cell.
Finally my boss(who I share an office with) glared at me when he called the 6th time so I picked up. It's hard to talk stern first of all when I've got Miranda Priestley staring at me. Then of course I'm still trying not to LB with an AO towards him.
He is mad b/c I told him to meet me at church Wed to get DS1. I drive past his work so he wants me to drop him off on the way to "save him gas money". He says I need to quit being vindictive. Ha! Who's he kidding? If I was vindictive, I'd have called OW's boss and let him know what happened, or left an egg in his car to rot. (Julie, don't get any ideas!)

I said if you want to see your son, come pick him up where HE will be...and told him that I ride to church with a friend anyway. He doesn't care about imposing on anyone. He went on and on and said if I hung up he'd just call back.
I finally agreed so I could get off the phone and get back to my proposal. Please, no finger pointing about taking his call. I was truly backed against the wall with his absurd behavior. I just need to figure out how to get him to stop.

So then my boss told me how annoying it was for him to do that. blah, blah, blah. I agreed but what am I to do?
She said tell him I said to stop, let me be the b*tch. I don't want to get her involved at all. Very unprofessional.

I thought I'd ask my receptionist to just send him to VM automatically, or tell him I'm out, but I don't want her to lie for me. Maybe she doesn't have a conscience and will agree to it.

I won't threaten to do the same to him b/c it's such an immature way to behave. I just with he'd grow the he11 up.
I wonder if the police can contact him in violation of the injunction. It doesn't say anything about place of employment though b/c at the time I was a SAHM. Maybe MEDC will know if he reads this.

I am so mad that he conned me into getting his way. I can't stand the position he puts me in.

Besides him being disrespectful to me in this phone call, he also used name-calling, and then the poor me route with a "this is not the way I want things, if I had my way you and I would still be together" ZINGER.

When I see him tomorrow I need to handle it the right way and I'm confused as to what that is.

I promise that there were redeeming qualities to this gentleman. Right now I just can't find any to talk about.

This was a long post...for me anyway. Thanks for reading and for any advice y'all can give.

Geez...what a punk thing to do. Let me think about it...not sure what you can do. There's gotta be something legally that keeps him from calling your work place. Something that says he can only call your cell and then only when he has your child or in emergency situations. Do you have a lawyer yet?

So, apparently your Plan B is working, though. Like I told another poster here...he is shakin your tree...don't let him get any coconuts!

You should also have a go-between. Someone who can screen any calls and/or emails from him and just pass on pertinent info.

Stay strong!

Free,

I hear your frustration, but must point out that Plan B is NOT working, as long as you have this FORCED contact, which is wholly unnecessary. You are giving in to a bully.

Have the secretary inform him that his calls will all be shunted to voicemail. Do not listen to those calls. HE will have to either go thru the intermediary at this point or not call. It's tough love, Free, not some punishment.

Don't fool yourself into believing that these calls are important. If he wants to see his son, he will pick him up at the church. If he becomes threatening and comes to your residence, full of anger and threats, call the police and file a report.

The REDEEMING qualities can come back again, but you talking to him isn't going to ferret them out; he's gotta feel those consequences, and NO contact with you is one of them, so he's not feeling that one right now.

Also, the best thing for YOUR sanity is to not have these interactions. You are going to get drained, angry, resentful, and lose whatever love you may have left.

How did today go, Free?

Hey LaLa! What's crackalackin?

My g/f decided not to go to church, so I ask dear ole Mom to please take DS1 to WH's work since he is "out of gas money". I went with them and she dropped me off a block away and picked me back up afterward. I had written a brief letter with pertinent info about his meds and in between each paragraph about DS1 I put things like -don't call me at work and jeapordize my job again....and then- I will write the judge or call the police if you continue to harrass me.

If I had put only that stuff in there and not things about our son he would have just thrown it away. I have learned that much.

So when I got home, he had left me 3 messages on the machine all about...call the cops if you want, don't act like a child, you're gonna have a hard time in any relationship, get the letter ready for the judge, we should be able to talk we're his parents, you didn't take my call at work today and I wanted the stroller, I wanted to talk to you why did you have your Mom bring DS1...just general blubbering and nonsense, trying to make me feel stupid for my secret weapon Plan B.

He is suppose to pick him up tomorrow night for the weekend, but little does he know I'm having a friend come over at that same time to intermediate.

See how disrespectful he is? There is NO emergency that he needs me for. He just doesn't get it.

To tell you the truth, these continued LB's are making my love for him diminish so very quickly. Now that I can finally breath, and I'm not in the midst of his drama and moodiness, I can't see how I ever put up with this.

It makes me sad to say it, but I'm not even sure that I have any desire to be with him anymore. I'm a newer one on MB but my thread shows how long I've been battling his infidelity...since 2006...along with Love Busters galore. Oh how I wish I had found this forum sooner! But I'm not looking back. I really couldn't have done much of anything b/c I was pregnant and stayed at home to raise DS.

I guess if he can't pick up Nicholas from church on Wednesdays, it's not my problem so he'll just miss seeing him. I am having a hard time though with feeling like it's MY job to make it happen, but it isn't!! I can write it down and know logically it's his responsibility, but I still feel like I'm at fault. That is something I need to work out of my system.

Hi Freeto..

It sounds like your WH is one of those guys that thrives when he's in control....your plan B has taken that away from him, so he's doing all of this stuff to try and get it back.....Do your very best to stop that.

It doesn't matter whether you get back together with him, keep that control for your own. You control your life, you control your happiness. Don't let him jerk you around like that.

As far as the legal aspects of this is concerned, I'm not sure what Fla law says about it....Up here in Canada, if he does things that make you fear for your saftey, or fundamentally change the way you have to live your life, he could be looking at a charge of Criminal Harassment..(stalking) It's a tough one to prove, whether you want to go that way or not, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.. write down every contact, what is said, when, how.....everything. keep a diary and religiously DOCUMENT every contact..

You keep in control....all his blustering is him trying to take it away from you......

Ron

Morning Ron, thanks for reading and the advice. I just hate to go down that road of legalities again. I wish he would act like a GROWN UP!

Yes I do need to keep writing down all these things that he does for future use. We aren't scheduled to go before the judge anymore, unless one of us files for D. I can't even think of that right now. Yikes!

FL does not have a legal separation, but we do have something called a marital separation agreement(MSE). It is a written agreement to separate assets and liabilities, re-establish child support and visitation, etc but both parties have to AGREE and he is he11 bent on not giving our son the child support that was already ordered. He says he can't afford it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I say go get a second job.

The points established in an MSE would carry over into the D decree, should we go that route.

He even made a comment the other night on the phone "if things went my way, we'd still be together" but it is all a farse. SHOW me, Mr. Free what you are willing to do for me and our M.

The control thing....I wonder where that comes from. I am a flexible person and compromised often with him. It's funny b/c it seems most people who want that domineering control would need only to ASK for what they want, not BULLY loved ones into doing something for them.

You attract bees with honey, not vinegar. The logic of NOT doing that escapes me.

I am sitting at work with tears in my eyes. I think I am going to throw up.

I just checked WH's email - he had given me his p/w during a false recovery. There was an email from her that he replied to. Nothing too gushy, but an INSIDE JOKE THAT HE AND I HAD - AND HE OBVIOUSLY SHARED IT WITH HER TOO! He never emailed me, he hates email, why is he replying to her?

It makes me sick and so sad. The betrayal is just horrible. I just don't understand how someone can be so cold and uncaring about their spouse. How can one person purposely hurt another human being in the WORST possible way and feel NO REMORSE, NO GUILT!????

This totally screwed me up. I shouldn't have looked, but now I know they are still in contact.

Why can't he WONDER about me? Should I make him jealous somehow or would that be too ridiculous, esp if it isn't true? Not that I would ever DO anything, but should I pretend? I know that is games, but won't he have to feel like he is losing me to come out of the fog?

What if he won't ever change?

I don't think he could ever have NC b/c of the tie of their son. My situation just feels so hopeless. Should I just go ahead and file for divorce?

I don't no what to do. I don't deserve this. I am a good person and I was so in love with him in the face of all of this crap he has put me through.

I need ADVICE from anyone please. Some encouragement or something! Anything!! I am hurting.

(((Free))) I know that hurts. But you know sweetie that Plan B is all about no contact either way (from or to you). There's a reason for that. To protect any love you have left for him. I'm sorry you had to find out but now you know for sure and that explains a lot. As long as there is contact the affair is still on.

What to do now about his insistence on breaking no contact? Ask your boss to write a letter on company letterhead demanding no contact. Or you can write it for his/her signature. Approach them with the attitude that you want to protect your job and as they are familiar with his antics, you feel like this will get the message across not to contact you at work anymore. He may take that a little more seriously.

(((Free))) Chin up, chest out... Goddess mode. You'll be okay.

While you are in such turmoil MAKE NO DECISIONS REGARDING DIVORCE. It's a serious, life changing, HUGE step with major ramifications, so just forget about that right now.

First off, I'm going to swat at you with a VERY padded 2x4. Please stop contact and stop checking up on your WH. YOu are hurting yourself. It's early yet, in Plan B, and you have yet to establish a solid Plan B.

You have exposed the A, yes? You have done Plan A, yes? Now, it's time for Plan B. Let him go. Early Plan B is TOUGH. Your emotions are going to be all over the place. Right now, he's all over the place too. YOU get out of your WH's way. Don't talk to him anymore and stop checking up on him. You cannot force change, you must let him figure it out himself.

This will pass, Free. I promise you, the sensitivity you have right now will pass. It will take some time,but you must detach from this man.

I haven't seen you respond to any of my posts, so I hope I'm not on ignore. If so, I guess you can't see this anyway. Hopefully, someone else will be along to convey a similar message.

Have you called the Harleys to get a better understanding of Plan B. They can help to bolster your hope. Most of these things end, Free. It's really a matter of whether you are still there to reconcile.

Free, hon, take a deep breath.

YOU are a powerful woman. YOU cannot let yourself be part of their madness. No, you shouldn't have looked, but you did, and there's no turning back. But, like you said, now you know.

Remember you purpose of Plan B. Think about it now. You are removing his poison from your life so that you can re-claim your peace in moments like these. I want you to make a list right now of all of the things in your life, controlled by you, that MAKE SENSE...things like your beautiful son and daughter, the great job you have, your home, your friends and family, MB...the list goes on and on.

Secondly, you MUST get a intermediary to completely shield yourself form his nonsense. This is the ONLY way to preserve your sanity. Assume they are still in contact and let it go. This is YOUR life and YOU are in control of it.

I'm not going to make this too long, because I know you are hurting and I want you to think on these things right now.

We are here for you...all of us! I wish I could take your pain away...I cannot imagine...

But I can give you a HUG!!!!!


((((((FREE))))))))

Remember your name here...FREE TO BE ME!!!!!!!!!

Thank you guys so much for replying. I really need to hear some encouraging words...or just that people care. My family doesn't like him at all and they think I am better off without his mess in my life.

I was just thinking the other day how nice it was not to cry in the car. Party's over, I was sobbing.
I'm sure when I went to pick up my son from daycare, they thought I'd truly lost it.

PM, that is such a good idea about using company letterhead and sending him a letter to his apt. I'm going to do it tomorrow. I haven't been working there long, only 2 months, so I might just type it and sign it myself. There is no way WH would ever or could ever use it, he'd be too humiliated.

SL, omg! no you aren't on ignore. I haven't done that to anyone. I thought I'd replied to some of yours, I know I sent you a few posts, too. Ahhh this just sucks.
My son just came and handed me a raisin. That made me cry worse and he is trying to be so sweet. DAM that man!
I haven't called the Harley's, does it cost any money?

It's such a messed up sitch. He and the OW were together as g/f b/f before he and I met and they have a 6 yr old son. She feels "entitled" to him as she's known him longer and they are both hispanic, too, I'm not. He used to talk to her in Spanish in front of me and see when I think about the cruelty of that stuff, I just want him to go AWAY FOREVER! And think there will NEVER be reconciliation with someone so hurtful.

And then I wonder WHY I still care about a punk like that.

Res...dear Res, thank you for posting. I want to clump you in with all the rest of the WS's, but I DARE not and I WILL not b/c you are so brave in your own rite and have become a friend to me on this board. I can't think of anything good right now to list, but you are right there is a lot. I need to refocus and realize I am strong and funny and cute and smart and we have an amazing son. It's his loss.

Oh I just realized this is his night to pick up his other son with OW and he'll prolly eat dinner, may even stay over.

I used to check his email and erase any emails she sent him. I don't care if it was wrong or not, the less contact he has with her the better. They were just stupid FWD emails of jokes and stuff, nothing important. But the fact that he replied, it just makes me want to bore holes in his head with laser beams from my eyes next time I see him. MEAN eyes. Ugh, I sound so vengeful and horrible. I feel like I actually have hate in my heart for him.

Is this suppose to be the way it is? Amd I suppose to start feeling so harsh towards him to help with the pain?

FREE to be Me b/c he is gone. No more under his thumb and trying to be PERFECT so he'll stay with me and not choose her.

This was the first day he hasn't tried to contact me and break Plan B in a while. Good thing or I'd most likely LB on the phone, the state I'm in now...

not if you call the radio show, but it's during the daytime, so you would have to carve out some time for that.

Their fees for consulation are listed in their counseling section of the website, and are pretty expensive, but spending even one session with them could help you to really hunker down in the Plan and give you insight that only they have.

Hi Everyone, Happy Friday!

Just wanted to give a shout out of thanks to those that walked me through some really trying times.

It was so nice to have a place to turn and people who understood.

I have finally REALLY let go and let God with this matter. After so long of being hurt, the tides have turned and for my situation, I no longer feel the need to be in this marriage.

I haven't filed for D yet and I won't for a while, but I don't think this M was ordained by God, as my husband and I were first in a rush to be married b/c I was pregnant, and secondly b/c I didn't go into thoughtful prayer to make the decision in the first place. The chance exists that what I am fighting for is not where I am supposed to be.

My WH is an unbeliever and we were unequally yoked...although I have doubts about his false bravado concerning that. Ultimately it was his decision to cheat, his decision to leave emotionally and his constant lies and reactions (LB's) that did us in. I have done everything humanly possible to hold onto the marriage, b/c in my heart and soul I loved him, and sanctified this marriage as a sacrament and covenant before the Almighty.

But no amount of prayer or counseling has changed things and I know that it has to come from the Grace of God into my WH's heart to make any lasting changes.

I have become stronger in many ways and the Holy Spirit has moved in me in a powerful way.

Certainly I still have emotions about this, I am naturally made after all, but my kids and I will be ok and there is a peace in the house that I wouldn't trade for anything. I am praying to hear God's call right now and praying that my WH will hear God's call as well.

Only when we fullfil the will of God on our life will we experience the most satisfying and joyful life we could hope for. And THAT is what I want most of all.

I will continue to keep those hurting, those angry and those confused on this board in my prayers.

Love to all, Free

Hi Free!

I hope you will drop in on us from time to time and give us updates on how you are doing! I will miss you! You are one of my friends here and I really care about what happens in your life.

My prayers are with you and your DS (and DD), and I wish you all the best!

Love to you! ((((((FREE)))))))

Amen to that. But also keep in mind...everything is in God's time, not ours.

Hope you'll continue to post and let us know how you're doing.