Here is my story remember I am not the best writer
my d day was dec 13th or so cant remember exacty
First i have to explain that my husband is in the coast guard so he says the night there at the station some night as a seach and rescure stand by.
I was suspicious of this girl who wrote a weird myspace message to my husband say i was to pretty for him. I thought nothing of it at the time.
One night he never told me if he was supposed to come home and ususal I thought nothing if he did because that was his job but this night I thought My dogs might die because they go into so medication so I frantical called him wondering if I should take them to the emergency vet because it is a spendy trip.
He never answered his phone and so then I check him voicemail and relised that he had checked it and still never called me back which I thought was very suspicious so the next day after I got off work I headed up to the station where he works about 6pm and he confesed to me that he was hanging out with some girl from his work the night before and that he had already talked to her about it and they decided to not talk anymore. I was very upset but he said it never got phisical just flirting so I decided that this could work out.

after a few back days I found that they were still text messagaing eachother on his cell phone so then I confronted him about it and after about another bad week he called her and said they needed to stop so I thought that was the end
was I so very wrong

so last thursday he called me and said he was going out with friends after work and I asked if I could come alone and he got all mad and said he needed space and hung up on me and never answed me again until the next day when he came home and luckly me i found this website that night so we talked about emotional needs and other things that i found on this website and he agreed that we should work through this.

So now I am at a standstill I am afried to tell him that he needs to cut off contact with her completely cause I am afraid he will get mad and leave me. Ow found out that she is getting moved to a school but it could be anywhere from 1 week to 2 months before that happens.
He says he wants to work through things but is unwilling to let me be snoopy about what he is doing and says that everything will be fine. s

So my problem is that I dont know where I should be if I am still in plan a or if I should be moving to plan b or what I am so confused and hurt. should I confront her or his work? Should I just sit and wait it out? should I move out? should I just be brave and push the nc on him? should I just worry about filling him emotional needs? I have no Idea what to do or even what I want anymore

AKstorm, sorry you're here. This is the right place to be if you're going to look for help online.

Your husband has to cut off contact with OW, all contact, forever. The alternative never works. You have to be tough enough to make this non-negotiable. Do not be afraid of him "getting mad and leaving you". You cannot be afraid of this.

He needs to open his life to you. Phone bills, passwords, the works.

Do NOT move out of your home.

More will be here. It's going to be okay.

GC

It sounds like this affair is still in the early stages. Likely your WH will not agree to NC at this point, though if he did that would be great.

Study up on Plan A first, as that is where you need to begin.

Part of that is expressing the necessity for NC, but not dropping the axe - yet - where he has to choose. Honestly, right now he would 99% likely choose her, though just for a while.

It's not time yet to push him into a choice, but to simply and calmly say, when the subject comes up, "In order for our marriage to survive, it needs to be between 2 people - you and me. When you are ready to end all contact with OW for life, I know we'll be able to build a wonderful marriage together."

Keep snooping, but under the radar. Don't let him know just yet that you know what he is doing. There will be a time to lovingly confront after you have more intel.

Welcome, and sorry you are going through this.

ty I think neak is right though I think if I forced him to choose right now he would choose her and I cant stand that idea so I will keep trucking alone filling his en as best as I can and mentioning to him about the nc...that is what I have been doing it is just so hard <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> but I do see a little change in him i guess

As you go about planning your day-to-day strategy, don't lose sight of the long-term tactics.

There is a very high likelihood that, at the point where he faces your Plan B, he will still choose her for a while. (Or he may move out sooner.)

Be prepared for that - if it doesn't happen you are happy, and if it does, you weren't caught off guard. You can still win this in the long run, even if he does seem to be choosing her for a while.

You are the better person already, so you don't have to try and "beat" her in order to be better. You just are better. As you say, keep focusing on meeting what EN's he will let you, and do the very best Plan A you can, so when it is time for Plan B there is a great change for him.

You can do this.

alright so last night I told him that he needed to take emeicy leave but he refuses because they have trainning and in order for him to do that he would have to confess to his comand what is going on and he is scared of getting in trouble.
He did say things like "I want to find out where our love went and hopefully be a happier couple in a few years." I mean I should be greatful that I am getting somewhere with him then that aful day when he told me he didnt want to see me anymore and stayed the night with her.
I was thinking of talking to her because he even mentioned it to me last night. I was not going to get mad at her or anything just let her know that I am a real person that she help hurt me really bad. I know that she might not even care but it has a little bit of a chance to help her to feel a little guilty. cause to her right now I dont really exsist cause I have never met her. You think that would be a bad idea?

I think it would be a good idea if she has a heart. If she's an @sshole she may say things to hurt you. Tell you details you dont want to hear. She will definitely tell your WH...so expect him to be mad. Just understand, the person with the problem is your WH, OW couldn't be with him unless he wanted a slut.

There are very few occasions I would recommend contacting the OW.

1. If you suspect she doesn't know he is married. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference for her to know, but not everyone is a scumbag. If she thought he was single, she might dump him.

2. Sending a copy of the Plan B letter. There are of course differing opinions on this, but I am 100% in favor of sending a copy of a well-written Plan B masterpiece to the OW. It will begin to pick at the frayed ends of the affair, and can help speed the unravelling a bit. This might make the WS mad, but hey he's got no one but her to take it out on by then, right?

3. If the OW is an acquaintance or friend, I would recommend sending your own NC letter, once the affair is over, letting them know that they are now cut out of your life forever, as well as that of your husband. This would be in additions to his NC letter. Maybe you could combine them, but I think it would be better kept separate.

That's all I can think of at them moment. Don't bother trying to make the OW feel guilty, or to make yourself seem like a person to her. If she knows he's married, she has all the information she needs to make a choice. If she is still seeing him under those circumstances, anything you do will come across as pathetic to the aliens, and give her ammo to use against you with your WH.

She is not worthy of your attention. Focus on your WH and the problem at hand. She is not the problem, only a symptom.

Your WH's command needs to know about his behavior. I'm sure the main reason the military is so down on adultery, is that they know all too well how foggy and illogical an active adulterer is. Lives are at risk, depending on a man who can't be trusted to fasten his own fly. Your husband will be furious for a while, but his commanders need to know the truth.

Read what you can here about exposure, and you will see that it is one of the most powerful weapons at your disposal.

So this is where I am now

we have made some progress he has deleted her from his phone and myspace finally...he wont tell his command so he still goes to work but at least when he is at work and I start flipping out I text message him and he calls me back asap so thats a start I guess.

I did talk to her and she is a not very nice and she doesnt care but at least now i know she knows i know lol that makes me feel better.

My WH is starting to relize what a big mistake he made he has found out some things about the ow that make him sick and make me look like a princess lol (I know i am not) but I like it when he thinks i am so I have hope today and it feels good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> but I am not getting my hopes up to much cause I know how easy things can change.

today is a good day though I am happy for the first time since d-day and I feel pretty good about it all in general. thanks for the suggestions and dont hesitate to give me more

It doesn't matter what he found out about her, you should still protect yourself to have a STD test done and demand him to do so as well.

BA

AlaskaStorm,

What kind of Plan A have you implemented? Have you read about it? Have you exposed the affair in the workplace?

Can you afford a session with the Harleys? Or can you call in to the radio show?

Alaska, are you still here? How are you doing?