Thought he really was telling me the truth. He lied to me again because I checked specterpro on his pc and he is looking at what he said he wouldn't then he goes back to check on the girls myspace again. The one he had so much contact with for eight months last year!
I was talking to him today on his cell and he didn't hang up the phone he thought it was off, and he was talking to himself and said "please go have her live with her sister" he is lying to me to hid his sick fantasies about girls! Yet I am the crazy one I did all this I made our family life ******? I made his business crash. The pure justifications are horrid he comes up with.
I can't live like this its like a nightmare. He says the meanest things to me and I revolted by him even touching me and nothing he says do I believe. I can't. I know I am supposed to go through and be the best me I can be and I was but, when this hit and I saw what I saw on his pc I was absolutely devestated and blew up. I mean big time. Crying screaming the works. There was no way I could see what I saw and he SWORE to me he never ever would go to her myspace also and he did that as well.
Any suggestions other than hanging my head and packing up my things and going? To many emotions running through me at this time to see anything clear. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Ariana,

My suggestion is to remember that highly emotional times are not good times to make long term decisions. I want to encourage you to let your emotions calm down a little so that you're thinking clearly and you can really evaluate what your next move should be. I know how painful this is, and my heart goes out to you.

(((((((((((((((((((ariana)))))))))))))))))))))

I agree with *fish Ariana. I KNOW the pain ur feeling, I KNOW its hard....sadly there's nothing you can do until you are fed up. The cruel thing about it, he wont do "that thing" the thing the is just horrific to make you leave, no, he'll just do the things thata cut like a knife, yet not enough to make you walk. And walking doesn't mean u give up on the M, it could mean ur just taking a break to work on yourself (i.e if you're not eating or sleeping). But dont make any quick decisions, calm it down and then think what is best for you, him, the both of you in long term. And b sensible---should u leave (put urself first)? Well he's doing the dirt while you're there and he'll do it while you're gone. Don't stay just because you want to be able to check up on him. Do whats best for you.

Thank you both. Your right calm down I did yet, I get so upset it's like some alien took over my mind. The most frustrating thing about this whole ordeal is the lies. I don't lie never have. For god sakes I am in law enforcement and had to take a lie detector test!

He is sick. What I told him just this morning was if you had just put in half of what you did in this EA with this girl we would have no problems. He laughed and still feels it wasn't an EO.

The main problem I have and had is that I try to make him see things like calling girls going to their myspace, spending time is not behavior most wives/gf would put up with. He thinks I am just controlling and he totally denies any wrong doing of anything. It was okay to spend 75 hours a month on the phone then come home and spend three nights a week with her sending instant messages on myspace. All the while his children and wife were in the next room being ignored. Sometimes taking his dinner I made to the pc to wait for her. She is only like 35 years younger. Like it will last!

I say the serenity prayer to myself all the time. I know the girl has no desires on him. She looks at him like a father figure. It doesn't make me feel any better. Last year I was size 7 then I went to 0 now I am back up to 3 at least and I am tall. The only way to combat my stress is physical work for me. Stress just eats me up how do all of you handle the stress? Sitting around drives me nuts?

Don't know what to do I read Harley's books I need a plan but, I blow it myself by catching him in lies and feeling so hurt by that just when he tells me otherwise. I make dinner try to make this a good home no confrontations, etc. Have any of you done the same or am I just alone here? What did you do to stay on track and build your self up to be the best you?

Thank you all

Ariana, did you ever get a chance to call the Harleys for counseling? IMO, one of the things that helps a BS deal with this is to have a *plan*. Otherwise, you get blown about this way and that - and often all within the same day.

There is some strength to be had when knowing that you can choose how to *act* rather than *react*.

Ariana - Did he used to be a good husband, or is this something different? If he used to be, he can be again. It really sounds like a MLC - your sons are the ones who should be on MySpace, not your husband.

I agree I need to learn how act no react. He was once a good husband then I am thinking maybe he has always told the lies? I know now he gets caught but, I really don't know what to say other than this is the issue I have a problem with if I can't trust you to be truthful how can the boys or anyone else for that matter?

He is passive aggressive very much so. He thinks more about what others think than his own family. He has constant friends with people that put down me and his children and has no loyalty to our family. He claims he does his actions is what speaks and clearly they are not. Anymore I don't tell him that but, I do state when I admire other men and how they are so family orientated and have a set of values that I admire. He can't stand that. Maybe it's why I do it.

Well he did it again. Told me he is gonna get me out of the h ouse now. He saw his letters to his young girl on net and not even all of them. Then he said everyone hates me and he saved her life at that time. Now that story lasted the first few months but, why did he carry on for more months. He said it is professional.
He has lied to me about everything. He was devastated the other night because she came for a lesson and he realized she didn't understand anything for the last two and half years in lessons. When I reminded him he called her"almost retarded" when I found out about their eo and he said I a grown women jealous of and "almost retarded" girl. He told me she doesn't understand and that he realized she was very very simple. I don't care! I know she is. She has problems in her school work why would she be able to learn any differently with anything else. His answer was this isn't rocket science. I told him spelling and reading and writing isn't either. What is amazing is how he has had such fog not see that she is really mentally challenged and learning is impossible for her. I really didn't want to hear any of this.
Since 2006 I found out about this little eo and all the texts, cell calls and myspace time. Then the lessons I was so sick of it. Still this has just floored me still.
He swore he didn't go to her myspace anymore and he did just last week after he was looking at picture of YOUNG YOUNG girls that had provocative clothes on. Then he went to her myspace and looked at her pictures. This is just SICK SICK.
So why I am I the one that is crazy obsessed sick? I have never done this kind of thing. Nor do I lie.
I am venting and really in a bad way tonight. I feel horrible so bad this is the first time I can't even shed one tear. Just numb and so sick to my stomach.
With his job we get a house and tomorrow he said I am getting kicked out. What a payback for being cheated on lied to and 30 years of my life to this guy.
Isn't it nice to know how appreciated people can be. Making a mockery of my life. To this day he has never owned up to doing anything wrong. He messaged her called, and it was nothing. He stayed up till two in the morning with her instant messaging for eight months. If you can decipher he writing. Yet, this isn't wrong.
I am writing in order to let this out somehow so sorry if you feel its just rambling. Kind of upset tonight.

Ariana, can you slow down a bit and clear up a few questions? I read where you've been married about 29 years and that your H had an affair with a young girl several months ago.

Is this the same girl from last year? It sounds as if he never did stop contacting her. Is this contact over the phone and the internet or have they been together physically? Is she married? Is she disabled somewhat and does she live with her parents?

Do you have children, how is he going to get you out of the house and who are all the people he says hates you?

How is he supposed to kick you out of the house? Legally? Forcefully? What would happen if you contacted his employer and told him that he is threatening to kick you out of the house?

Yes it is the same girl. She has some serious issues and when I found all the phone calls texts etc. I felt it was a bit too much. He is a mentor to her with what he does professionally.Only when I got a hold of some of the emails I "felt" it has gone to far. I know all the young ones look up to him and also he builds confidence in what he teaches them. Those emotional needs are transfered into crushes. He has handled that for years. This girls homelife and her severe inability to grasp things seemed to have taken hold of him. I went over the roof because to me. This thing was an EO. Over 40 hours of cell phone calls. 75 texts a month. When she near the Internet it instant message on myspace. NO physical contact ever with. He 'claimed' she was suicidal and helped her. Which I told him I hope you did but, also contacted her guardian and told her to seek professional counseling. Well it escalated in a series of events and totally out of hand. They left in lessons and H went into deep depression.

Later last year her guardian called me and asked if she could come back we had several conversations about the whole situation. Also about rules. I felt at the time that I could 'trust' my H and also I don't want to be in control of our marriage that our relationship is to be protected jointly. So I let them come back for lessons.

The rules are still in place and so far its been good. Until I saw him recently go back to her Myspace and realize the special 'deals' He gives them as well as lessons on demand. I was con'd I think and my giving him control of his business and showing him we are ADULTS and can handle things as such. Was used against me.

Well he can't kick me out. My youngest in 17 he lives with us and my H was so psst off last night that I put up some of his letter last year. Which we STILL have not talked about and he feels I should accept and go on with his explanation which I would if it was only a few. Not eight months of them.

What was I thinking that man should be able to see things clearly. She is a sweet girl with major retention problems and clearly some mental issues. This week he finally saw how severe it is. He feels I am obsessed with this issue. I tell him we have never addressed this issue and clearly visiting her Myspace and giving them DEALS is a major considering we discussed ALL these issues before they came back into his work.

Hope this is clearer

How old is this girl anyway? Does she have a guardian because of her young age or because she is mentally handicapped? If your husband has professional dealings with her, he is very much overstepping his bounds. If she is mentally/emotionally challenged, he is behaving as a predator. If he has not been physical with her, continued contact could lead to that and could result in his being arrested.

If anybody leaves the house, it should be him.

Plan A is very difficult. He is a professional liar. Addicted to porn. Which he justifies that every man gets the internet just for porn.
To answer your question when all the calls and texts took place she was 16. The guardian is not her mother. Her mother is a horrible person this lady and her husband are way better people for her to be around. She is now close to 18 mentally she is more like 15.
They left due to me and having knock down drag out fights with husband because of all the contact with this girl. His defense was this girl was suicidal. Well, I would want him to help her but its not his place. What he should have done and what he actually did was two different things. All the myspace letters and poems didn't help at that point.
He lies about everything. The year before this girl was a women that was a customer and I would be working and they would be sitting talking. Then I overheard their conversation about her husband. When I got home I told him I don't think it is by any means appropriate for you to discuss customers relationships. He just laughed. I got angry at this also. What happened here is that in a matter of months this lady came and yelled at my H because "they were more than friends" and he didn't pay enough attention to her. She called him filthy names and accused him of F%%%%% the other women. Which were the girl and her gaurdian at that time. My H then told the women to leave and not come back.
Later about a week another customer called a friend of that women. She warned my husband about her. What the warning was I don't know I have heard these past two years different stories. He lies like I said. I went and lived my life not even bringing this up.
Now the friend calls again and asks for this women he kicked out to come back. After 2 years. Again the 'story' changes she didn't come on to him she just went crazy for no reason....I told him fine then I am going to call her husband and let him know what I do. He went nuts. Pushed me down, told me to leave and not come back. I told him I could never be the liar he is and what horrible person to raise 2 boys and be a cheating liar. Same as his dad was. When his dad died not one of the boys (there are five) came to even see him while he was sick.
So I guess my plan A was done again. I should have opened my mouth and when he pushed me down I lost it. What kind of person am I to have a liar in my life that cheats and is violent and blames me for everything when I am the one that sits back and has all these people in his life that are so caustic.
I have never plotted or done anything to anyone of these people. I have been quiet and not done anything. Well what do you think I should call this other women friend and tell her to stay out of my life my marriage and if she continues then I will call her friend husband and let him know all that went one. Since he and I are the ones that are the innocent people here. She has no right interfering in my marriage and personal relationships at all. Do you feel that is to harsh? Just feel so helpless and very tired of these nosy women. H will get mad but, really I don't care much anymore.

Whoa Ariana. This girl was 16 when it started? Has there been any inappropriate or sexual contact that you know about? I guess I don't understand why you're fighting so hard about this when it's apparent there's a more serious issue with your husband at play here.

If I'm wrong, please tell me why so we can all better understand your situation.

How old are you?

No sorry there was never any contact physical at all. What there was was a young girl that he felt sorry for. He let her call him whenever she needed too. He let her text him. Spent time with her on her myspace. Which to me was over the top. If she was indeed so desperate she needed a counselor not a father figure.
Now he offered to be her 'dad' since her real father doesnt want anything much do with her and her real mother is a total despot. So he felt he had to contact her and let her spill out everything.
I felt after a while this was ENOUGH. He was totally involved in her life. I handed him the text messages printed out one day and told him YOUR a PREDATOR. He stopped those. She didn't then I went to his guardian and said the same. She told me my husband should divorce me. He kicked them out then. The women had never had children she did anything to get this girl in her house and only later she realized how interloping in my family she let this girl be. She has apologized and I have accepted it. The girl has never called my husband or sent text to him since last year.
Now even tho sex was not involved there are very serious issues for me. Why the NEED to help a perfect stranger over the wellbeing of your family. Why, he waited so long to curb this girls calling, texting and spending three nights a week on myspace with her instant messaging? When clearly her suicidal tendencies were gone?
He went overboard for over six months with her starting in 2006. Later he kicked them out and still to this day says he never spoke to her while they were gone. I don't believe it. He says I am his mom and controlling. I didn't control anything everything was out of control. Is this any clearer?

Sorry not to answer that question but, I am 47 he is 54 and we have been married since 1981. Two Boys one grown the other is 17.

Arianna,

Have you ever heard of the website RecoveryNation.com?

Also, any chance you checked out the thread called "What about Porn?" in the Recovery section?

You said yourself that you think your H is addicted to porn. The more porn that is used, especially in secret, is usally escalated to more serious things. I think your H is in serious trouble with this and would benefit from getting help immediately.

The RecoveryNation site will give you the insight and tools you need to get you through this and help your husband.

Thank you it is a good site and very informative. It seems this describes him. Also it seems I am trying to hang on to a relationship that is out of my control. Deep source of my unhappiness. Not only have i just realized this, but there is one bright spot in my epiphany. It is NOT me. I am fine. Not crazy not strange not unattractive. Raised two boys that are kind, caring and doing very well.

Think I need stop relationship thinking and worrying about everyone and start finding my joy. What I want and make incremental steps to change my attitude, behavior, assumptions and and frame of reference in the way I view things. Starting with things I need to deal with. As painful as looking at myself can be. Dealing and learning from some of things that have been painful can also be a good catharsis for me. Parents divorce when I was young was one of the most traumatic experience for me. Seems to be my source of hanging on to a marriage that is unhealthy, out of control. Having gone from a large family to total isolation for 2 years after the divorce left a scar. I guess we can say "abandonment issues". Having said that it seems living in a relationship with no intimacy, trust or friendship I have already been abandon. At least emotionally.

Figuring that out is a big deal for me. Knowing my next course of action is now my goal. To fill up me and find happiness in doing things that are baby steps to help me. Sounds selfish but how can it be that when I can only change myself not anyone else.

I am soooo happy you see this. I don't think I grasped it all that quick. And I wished I had found that site YEARS ago. I still have a problem with my self-esteem today even though I know this intellectually that it's him, not me.



{{{{Arianna}}}}} Yes, that's what it felt like to me too.

Have you mentioned all of this and what you've found out to your husband?




You are on the right track and it's not selfish, it's healthy. When you are healthy you can share that happiness with those you choose to share it with.

"I am soooo happy you see this. I don't think I grasped it all that quick. And I wished I had found that site YEARS ago. I still have a problem with my self-esteem today even though I know this intellectually that it's him, not me."

Mopey this is a big issue. What you 'feel' doesn't just go away even though we 'know' that it isn't us. That is the big issue. Stems from even my childhood. The Ironic thing is that seven years ago I told him I wanted a Divorce. No affair no bf nothing I just had enough of his passive aggressive behavior. He screamed, cried and yelled for months. So little by little we worked it out but, now I regret it. That much I have told him.

No I don't want to tell him anything now. It's past that part for me. We get along for the most part. Yet, he knows I am different because I don't tolerate his clients interfering without telling them so. Which I told him HE should be the one with balls not me. Yeah big lb but so true. :P

I know what you're saying about knowing it intellectually but not feeling it. But that is our burden to bear. We have to somehow find a way to KNOW it isn't us. That site is suppose to help us get to that point. I haven't been working the lessons though.....

Arianna, are you planning on staying in a loveless marriage as is for convenience? Do you want your marriage to be loving and intimate with your husband?

I don't get the thing about the clients either. Sorry.