Before I begin I want everyone to know I was Shannon1015 before. The other day I posted a thing about being serial cheater..Just to let everyone know I deleted only because my sister is on here...but on the other side of the fence. I wanted to beable to tell her and my husband before she read it. Then I started a new post but I think because I deleted my first one hardly anyone responded..which I understand but I really do what HELP! Here is my story...

I have been married for 10 years have 2 amazing daughters that at 8 and 11. The first time I cheated on my H was when we were only married for 6 months and I kissed my ex-boyfriend. The second time I cheated was when we had been married for 6 years. We were seperated and working on our relationship and I kissed 2 guys in one night. The third time I cheated was a full A and it was this past summer. And yes the forth time I cheated was about 2 months ago I kissed another man. I want to explain parts of my life to you...I grew up in a pretty loving home, but both my parents had A on each other. My mom suffered from a mental illness in the years that I was in high school. It was pretty hard. I got pregnant at the age of 18 and me and my H got married 6 months after she was born. We have struggled with finances since the day we were married, never once that I can look back on did we have freedom from not struggling with that. We both had problems meeting each other's EN. But I probably should have never expected for him to meet my EN's as I look back and just now am realizing how degrating and tempermental I could be. But all in all we did have a good marriage for most of the time.

Now about the full A. There are times I sit here and read and get so angry and upset for the people who are going through this...the BS(I think thats right). The plan A and The FOG . I didn't get caught in my A. When it was over I confessed to my H about it. When I read about the "FOG" I will tell you with experience that it really is there. During my A, I really wanted nothing to do with my H, I didn't work on my marriage and truthfully I didn't care if we got the BIG D. When I confessed my H moved out. Things were bad, extremely bad, he wouldn't talk to me or have anything to do with me. He even went so far as twice not talking to the kids for over a week. He vented to everyone, told anyone and everyone who would listen about the A..Which is soo out of character for him. I am all about exposing the A to people..but with that said there are people that shouldn't know...like the nieghbors, my kids friends parents,cousins. We made an agreement that he would pay the house payment and I would pay the other bills I almost lost my house to forcloser because he didn't pay. With all this said and there was more trust me...at the time I was hurt,mad, and feeling the worst possible guilt there was, I still wanted my M, I still loved my husband. Not until about a month ago did I really understand why he was doing all that, He was hurting, he was in pain...pain that I caused him. He was depressed I think and who could blame him..if the roles were reversed I am sure I would have done some of the same things. I don't even think he was in the right state of mind..because again all that was out of character for him.
I felt guilt and shame and sorrow but not until about a month ago did I start to realize how much I hurt everyone around me. Not until my sister started going through this did I understand the pain that a BS feels. I was so selfish to do what I did. That is when I realized I needed to change change myself. I start actually working on his EN before I even realized what "EN" were. I started to realize that there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for a A.(In the past I would say...but I was so drunk or you hurt me and I wanted to hurt you) We are going to counseling and things are slowly getting better. I am working on myself daily these are the things I have been doing...
1. reading God's word everyday
2. I am reading a book...the power of a praying wife(not to change him but for me to learn to pray better and its actually changing me more and opening up my heart to love him more then I ever have)
3. Keeping myself out of situations I can't handle..no more alcohol. No more friendships with guys.
4.Gave my H access to E-Mail password.
5. trying to meet more of his EN
6. Going to counseling


I have not yet bought any of the Harleys books...I plan on it just not able to afford them at this time.

We are not back together still seperated but at least moving forward to the Recovery stage. It seems I am doing most of the work..which right now I am completely ok with, the cool thing about that is, I am finding when I meet his EN's some of mine are met. I realize I did this and I am the one that needs the changing.

My questions are is there any suggestions on whatelse I need to be doing. I don't know if I am what you call a serial cheater or not but I want to change, I want to save my M, I want to make sure this never happens again. Any advice and Help will be appreciated!

Go to your local library and get the books. Mine carries some of them.

Thanks, I guess I should have thought of that. I will definately do that.

Read the books, take the EN questionnaire (both you and your H), then compare them (c/b an eye opener) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> .

Read the concepts section and all the info located above. This is free.

You will then be equipped to work on a recovery plan for you and your H.

Know that your H will need to go through a recovery period also. I will try to find my 5 stages of grieving link from years ago. Understanding his healing curve will help you help him and in turn if you 2 are willing to help each other he can help you also. However, each of you are responsible for doing your fair share in personal and marital recovery.

You will learn about POJA, RH and other MB tools. You will learn how important it is to learn to communicate with the your mate is different that the type of communication you require for yourself (gender thingy).

You will find out that couples need couple time. An average of 15 hours a week to spend together is recommended. While there is no punishment to be given if that is not met, the better the effort the better the results. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Consider it a estimated goal to work towards.

Learn how to take the good out of the posts here and learn to disregard what is not helpful. Find out who the giver and taker is in your R and learn to trade to balance it out. There s/b an equal amount of the giver and taker in your R between the both of you.

The goal is to strengthen your A, rebuild the trust, then love will follow.

It is good you reached a turning point. Looking back what good did you learn from all that bad experience? Learn something... so neither of you make that mistake.

take care,
L.

Hi, FixMe!

Let's start with the "I want to make sure this never happens again."

Here is a link to
"Coping with Infidelity: How Do Affairs Begin?"

And

"Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity: How to Avoid an Affair, Part 1"

How to Avoid an Affair, Part 2

Some basic ideas to get you started on avoiding cheating:

Don't establish relationships with other men.

Don't speak intimately with other men about your marriage, etc.

Don't put yourself in situations where you will be alone with other men.

Stop all contact - seeing, talking, interacting with any man with whom you have commited infidelity.

Don't be flirtatious with other men.

Decide on a plan of action *now* for any potential ramps to temptation - if they call I will _________, if they email I will ______, if I see them by chance at the grocery I will ___.


Onto to the Marriage part:

Dr. Harley's "Four Rule for a Successful Marriage"

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Study up on Love Busters

and

Angry Outbursts

That should get you started!

FM,

Here's the link to the 5 stages of grieving thread.

5 stages of grieving

Also, please read Trueheart's letter and share your thoughts with your H. It was originally written to my then WS, who didn't appreciate it at the time. Still this letter shared by one of our former MB posters who himself was an Xws, has helped many over the years. I am forever grateful for this letter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hope it helps!

L.

Thank you for your story. It is easier to give support and advice when you know the story.
You have empathy with his pain, you take ownership of your choices and you have a plan for how to prevent this from happening in the future. These are all very important for a recovery to take place.

Your BS has got a fundament to work on if he decides to fight for your M. I am sure you are aware that he has a right to not fight for his M after what you have done. From what you write I believe he will give you a second chance.

I will suggest you are as supportive of him as you are allowed to. Tell him you are sorry, but not constantly. "Mrs. I am Sorry" is not an attractive wife. Try to identify his top EN (or love languages as some call them) and do your best to fulfill those that you are allowed to. Spend much time with him, preferentially in doing something together: walking, recreation, household work and so on. Don't do relationship talks all the time!!

Realize that your A's have communicated very strongly to him that he is a failure as a husband, man and lover. An A is perceived as a very strong rejection. A strong enough rejection that your words lose their credibility when you say "I love you". Watch him closely when you say ILY and see if it is received as a provocation/ lie rather then how you meant it. You may have to show your love in actions rather then words.

Have faith. Pray. We know that God is very pro M. He instituted it!
So when we pray according to his will we KNOW that the prayer is heard in Heaven. God will not overrule your BS in this. God has in the bible allowed the BS to chose D. But you can be assured that God is partial and in favour of the M rather then D. So have courage! Pray for healing of the hearth of your BS. And pray for him to see your repentance. Pray for help and wisdom, and pledge to Him a dedication to the M from now on.

And: Have patience! Healing from an A takes effort, but also time. Plan for a two year struggle. There will be uphill walks and downhill walks during those two years. When in a downhill walk you can feel fully recovered. But then there is a new steep climb in front of you. And this may wear down your courage: "Is there no end to this?" Yes there is! Just realize that two years is two years. There are no short cuts. You have to walk the full distance to get there. But every step brings you closer. Also the uphill steps.

God bless your struggle!

Hi Fixingme. I just read your post and just wanted to say how much I respect you for doing the right thing.
You are definately on the right path to recovery.
Keep up the good work.

I am sorry you are here, but I think you are doing the right thing. Kudos to you. I am on the opposite side of your situation. If my WW was doing what you were doing, I would have a lot of room for acceptance and understanding. Just having someone still next to me working with me would be nice. Instead I have a vanished partner with no remorse. I am getting NOTHING. So don't your current situation get you down. It will not be an immediate thing. There is still a lot of hurt to go around. Prepare yourself. Be there for your spouse when he needs you. Try to take what emotional support your husband may offer you, but don't expect it. I cannot tell you how bad it feels for someone to just fog away out of the house taking their stuff with them, no emotional hurt, and not having the courage to do what you are doing now.

People are people. People make mistakes. Honorable people accept their mistakes and try to do the right thing. Even though you made a mistake, you are being honorable in what you are doing. Even as a BH, I respect your noble efforts.

I wish you and your H the best!

Hi FM ...aka Shannon,

How are you? Hanging in there ok? You are a ray of hope, you know that? My WW is so deep in the fog I can't imagine that she'll ever come out of it, but I see for your expanded story that it's possible.

Can you do one of those mind switches with my WW? LOL.

I don't know if had a chance to go through my whole thread, but if you noticed at the start by biggest issue was letting go of expectations and getting sucked in to love busting. In my case the term "blizzard" really fit well, because you have so many thoughts, fear and doubts on top of the sadness, confusion and anger that it gets to you. Look at me this morning, I was doing just fine, and on the way to work the "movie" of my WW's A ran through my head. I felt like my heart was going to explode. I'm ok now, (With time, these episodes don't last as long). If I remember well, you told him about the last one a couple of days ago? (Correct me if I'm wrong). If that's the case than the blizzard is probably at full force right now, and trying to get him to work on your R probably won't get you very far. He needs to process this before he can recommit. So many questions go through your head about what you want, why she did this, am I not good enough... for a man the ego takes a large hit, we feel completely inadequate. It comes down to being scared that he'll get hurt again, so the steps your taking will go a long way, just don't give up.

Hi Orchid,

First I want to say Thanks for all the advice.

As far EN questionaire, I have asked my H to fill it out.And I know he will, but as far as me filling it out, I am not sure H is ready for that yet.3

I can't wait to read you 5 stages of recovery. I am really excited about that..thanks for the link. as far as him really working on the M right now, I don't think he is ready for that,probably wants to see the change in me first, which I completely understand.

I would have to same I was always the taker in the M. I am a giving person I think but when it came to my M i was the the taker. I am tring to fix that too. That is part of the EN I am working on. But I want the change to be permant.

What did I learn....Here is part of that...I never want to hurt my H, my kids, my family, or me like that that again. The pain has been aweful and the recovery is HARD. I have also learned the grass is greener on the otherside, truthfully, I know if I would have ended up with the guy from the A, I would have been miserible and unhappy. I have read here that a A is a fantasy world, and I have learned that it truely is. I have learned that nothing and I mean nothing should ever resault in a A. I have learned that it was the most selfish thing I could have ever possiblity have done. I have learned that God on the other had is forgiving...well actually I am trying to remind myself of that daily. I have learned that I have an amazing H, for him to beable to just be in the same room with me is amazing. I have learned other things but I seriouslythink I could go on forever.

Thanks again for the advice!

WOW graplin Thanks for all the links...I will be definately busy for awhile!
I am working on way not to have a A...
Like you said NO talking to any man about my marriage..that's how it started in the first place.

The part about the flirting, I need to work on that, meaning... I don't flirt(as far as what I feel) but many men will think I am flirting...I think I need to work on my body language so that "basic conversation" doesn't come off as I am flirting

As far as the plan of action, I will not be answering any phone calls, or emails and the truth of the matter is I haven't spoken to the guy from the A in months. That part is over in my life..actually I am complete disgusted with him.

Thanks for all the links and advice! It is appreciated!

I do plan on replying to the rest I will be back shortly!

Thank you Frank for all the information!
I have found myself to be the "Mrs Sorry type" but I don't know what to say to him other then that, because I am deeply sorry. But I will work on not being that person. As far as not doing the relationship talks all the time..that is great advice but also hard, since this all happened it seems I don't know what else to talk about...communication wasn't our strong area. I have faith, faith that God will heal our marriage and make me the person He wants me to be. I am liking the new me more and more. Having patience is something I have lacked my whole life but, I am learning that also and working very hard on that topic. Thanks again for your advice I will be working on these issues.

Thanks Rocksolid! I appreciate the support!

Hi ineedfoglights! I am sorry you are going through this but on the other side of the fence. The Fog is a horrible horrible thing, just from my experience. To think at that time I was ready to give up my marriage for this man. Until the A is over you don't realize how silly and stupid and selfish it is. I can go as far as saying while my A was going on, I completely knew what I was doing..in the sense I knew I would be hurting people and my H and my children but I didn't care.(sad I know). I don't feel honorable, the honorable thing would have been not to do this in the first place. But I can't go back and change time(as much as I would like too) I can only look towards the future. My feelings are this, I may lose my M and believe me, my H has every right to walk away and never come back. but even if thats the case, I want to be happy with me and I still regaurdless need to change for that to happen. But my hope is that the M will be saved and I can be the wife God wanted me to be. Thanks again for the post! and I am truely sorry your on the other side of the fence!

Hey there TMTS!!! A ray of hope am I?...LOL I wish I wasn't I wish I never would have put myself in these shoes!!I wish I could help your WS to see the light..cuz like I said earlier that Fog is hard to see through when your going through it.
.
I haven't had the chance to go through your whole thread yet..But I can talk on Expectations...man oh man, let me tell you I had high expectations for my H all throughout our marriage, infact some that were impossible to meet!

Yes you are right, I just told H about the last time on Monday. H received it well but still was upset..not that I expected it to be any different. here are the updates through the week. On tuesday we had to go to a school event for our daughter and then took her to get ice cream afterwards, the evening was nice. On wednesday, H showed up at my door at 10am, He lost his job. My first reaction was anger but I didn't do that. I thought to myself...EN's EN's EN's...this is the way to show him I love him and I am changing. I completely supported him and we had a nice talk and I helped him update his resume. On thrusday he was quite depressed, we went out to breakfast and I just tried to encourage him as much as possible, explaining we could get through this and we will. Tonight I am making his favorite dinner and H is coming over for dinner. I am just tring to support him as much as possible! I feel so bad...I can't believe he had to hear that monday from me and lose his job in the same week. but things are still ok, I am still changing and I am still showing EN.

I am still so sorry you are still going through this. I will try very hard to finish your thread today!!

BTW...thanks for the encouragement and support!!

Hi FM,

Try this... When he gets there, don't saya wrod, just walk up to him and hold him. Don't let go unless he does. That use to work wonders on me when my W did that after a bad day at work. She could see it on my face.

So...what's you making? LOL

Pot Roast! Even though I knew it was his favorite dish of mine I haven't made it for over a year for him.
I will take your advice and let you know how he responds! Thanks!

Ok I have been busy reading reading and doing more reading!
It has been a lot to process will probably have to go back and have to reread all of it maybe take it slower.

Anyways , somethings stood out to me in the Angry Outburst section. I get angry easily but also get over it easily. I am realizing how distructive that is.
In the section it had said..."When you become angry with your spouse, you threaten your spouse's safety and security -- you fail to provide protection." that hit home pretty hard. It also said this.."My approach to anger management focuses attention on the same short-circuiting strategies that most other anger management programs stress". My question is this, does anyone have any advice on how to change my reaction so that I don't make the mistake of doing BL? I know leaving the situation is good for some but when I do I find myself getting more upset and think of LB to hand out to my H. I want to learn how to stop that so I don't continue hurting my marriage. I dont' want people to think I get out of control because I don't but I also know that my words can be very harsh towards my H. Thanks in advance for the advice!

Hey there! Well my H came over for dinner tonight, made his favorite meal. We had a good time with the girls, My daughter said prayers and in the prayer she thanked God that we were eating as a family..It was bitter sweet. We did have a pretty good talk tonight, He told me he wanted to continue to work on it...but I think what he actually means by that is, He is willing to give me a shot, giving me the chance to change first.But hey I am completely happy about it. I do believe this is my ONE shot though and I can't mess it up.


Asking for prayers, My dad's cousins(who he is pretty close to) has 9 children. 4 of them were in a car accident last night in Waco, Tx. One was killed, his name is Luke and is 23, Anna 20 has head injuries and has the chance of losing her eye, Ethen 19 has a broken jaw and is recovering from surgery, and Julia 16 suffered minor injuries. Any prayers will be appreciated.