SC:

Been a long time since I posted much around here. I guess that the diversions in life made me need to take a little break in order to move forward. Although I haven't been around, I often thought about you and wondered how things turned out.

I hope in our early threads that somehow things that I said made a difference for you. Saying them somehow made a huge difference for me and I will always be thankful for your part on my personal recovery. One of the best things about this forum is that both the BS and WS get to journal their thoughts and emotions. I am no pyschatrist but have to believe that for many, that is a healing process.

Hope all is well in your life. Let me know.

NT,

I saw your recent posts, and I was very happy to learn that you and your wife are doing so well. Fantastic!

Me? I don't write about my situation on this board anymore. But I will always be grateful to you and others who posted to me in those early days.

Take good care NT.

--SC

Hi smartcookie. i miss you, i really do. i almost posted to you before, due to something you said in another thread but then i didn't. i don't post much about my situation on this board anymore either.

wishing you the best.

SC, I miss you as well. You and I didn't post to each other very much but I found your posts to be well thought out and insightful.

I'm sorry that you don't post your situation here any more. I don't know why exactly, but I can guess at the reasons, and can respect them.

I trust that is a decision that you needed to make for your own personal recovery. Sometimes once we have worked through some things, it doesn't do much good to rehash them after a certain point.

I am glad that you continue to post occassionally. You have some unique insight that can help others. And you are not afraid to jump tall buildings and take on the entire school board single handedly....lol.

Keep in touch Cookie.

NT

FL,
Thanks. I listened to some BoDeans this morning and thought of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BB,
Thank you, too. How have you been doing?

NT,
I still have plenty to work through. This just isn't the place I do it anymore. I'm glad to see you around. I think you make valuable contributions to the board. Again, thanks for the kind words.

--SC

We've been well. DW had DS0 in October - the delivery went much more smoothly than it did with DS4. DS0 developed reflux at 6 weeks, and we figured it out at 8 weeks and got him on medication, so it's reasonably under control. Better than with DS4; he had reflux from day one but it took the doctors 8 weeks to figure it out. By then DW was a wreck between the baby screaming constantly, PPD, a work induced separation, and having to pack up the house to move to SC. This time she went off AD's to get pregnant and went back on when she was about 6 months along. She's been holding up great this time.

I started AD's right before DS0 was born. Financial stresses (our house in NC never did sell), work stresses (I hate my job and the place I work), and accumulated SF neglect (an issue for me since we got married 10 years ago) finally wore me down to the point that I had to do something.

We're making progress on all fronts; DW "got it" about SF neglect about 15 months ago...then she got sick...then she got pregnant, tired all the time, nausea, uncomfortable...you know the drill. I trust that she is now aware and understanding of the SF issue and has good intentions, which is more than I would have said 2 years ago. And it speaks volumes that even at 1/week, we're having more SF with a 10-week-old in the house than we were having 9 years ago <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I trust that as the baby gets older and things settle down, SF will increase. I know better than to expect much right now...the side effects of the AD's actually help in this regard <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey SC, i just saw your reponse...DH and I saw the BoDeans on Dec 30, excellent show, we were in the 5th row at an old theatre in Joliet, IL.

at one point they asked everyone to be really quiet and without any amps of any sort performed "Its Only Love". one played an acustic guitar and they both sang. it took a little while for the crowd to SHUT UP!!! but they finally did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FL,
If there were a "green with envy" smiley... I'd put it right here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> (close enough!)
--SC

BB,
Glad to hear you're doing well.


Congratulations!



Oh boy. I can relate, to an extent. Our first baby was a nightmare as an infant... cried constantly, demanded to be held every waking minute, had to be walked and bounced to sleep, etc. etc. I was a wreck, too, and I didn't have a big move to deal with! Ugh.


Good.


Hmmmmm. Interesting. What do you think precipitated her change of heart? 'Cuz I'm thinking.... that's a pretty common issue in marriages. So, if it was something you said or did, that would be very valuable information for a lot of people, you know? Maybe you could even create an infomercial and sell the secret for the low, low price of $19.95 each (plus shipping and handling). Then you could quit your crummy job! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

--SC

Unfortunately there was no easily dupicatable silver bullet. See, I had been the picture of patience and understanding about her seemingly never wanting to have SF. I had bought in to the modern propaganda about how men are dirty pigs for wanting sex all the time. I figured that a good sex life was the first casualty of marriage.

Around 12/05 I decided I was being a chump. DW never had to work outside the home - even before we had kids. I earned a good living, came home at a decent hour every night, helped with cooking/cleaning/laundry/kid, showed her plenty of nonsexual affection...basically I was filling her EN's before I even understood the concept of EN's. I figured I was watching the best and most vital years of my life pass me by, and that for all I do around here, SF once or twice a week shouldn't be so much to ask for.

I decided to stop suffering in silence and started AO'ing for the first time in our marriage. As you can imagine, that went over well. 1/06 I started doing research online and found MB. I started reading and ordered HNHN. I realized that wanting SF with my wife was a normal, healthy thing, so I quit beating myself up about it and got on with figuring out how to get DW to want to change.

I learned to talk to her about SF without coming across as 'attacking', or putting her immediately on the defensive. We did the EN questionaire and I confirmed that I had been nailing her EN's all along. She started to realize where she was falling short with mine.

Summer of 06 she started weaning herself off AD's in advance of us trying for a baby. As the AD's flushed out of her system, her SF drive started slowly coming back, and she also discovered that her O's were more intense - like she remembered them from before we were married. She said the lexapro had a dampening effect on both drive and sensation.

In the fall of 06 I saw a reference to a Dr. Laura book (Care and Feeding of Husbands) on MB. I went to the bookstore, got a copy, and pretty much read it in the parking lot....the whole time thinking the book had been written for us. My wife has a great deal of respect for Dr. Laura and listens to the radio show when she gets a chance, so I gave her the book and implored her to read it. She did, and it opened her eyes even more.

She said that part of what woke her up and gave her motivation to make changes was that she saw me growing and changing - changing the way I communicated with her, the way I looked at things in relationships, the ways I was learning to express myself, the MB stuff, and so on. She also said she'd been lazy about having SF, wallowing in her own issues, and selfish about only having it when she thought all the planets were in alignment.

However, there were still issues. I almost moved out in 2/07 because while she "got it" about having SF with me, she continued her old habits of doing everything but - and not having any time or energy left at the end of the day. We actually did 5-6 sessions with JH, who was astounded that I hadn't had a PA or gone for a divorce. Frankly, my W is astounded (and grateful) too. JH was thrilled to deal with a couple where there was no A involved.

We identified her "burning up her time and energy doing everything else" as an independent behavior LB, which she's been doing for years now. It had p1$$ed me off to no end but I never really knew how to vocalize it. Now we schedule SF times a couple days in advance. While I would much prefer spontaneous SF, I take the attitude that scheduled SF that actually happens beats the pants off spontaneous SF that doesn't.

My challenge right now is to let go of the resentment that I harbor, and not hold her to start making up for 8-10 years, starting now. From being turned down all the time when I tried to initiate in our first couple years of marriage, I lost a huge amount of confidence in myself, and haven't yet recovered it. Even now when she backs out of scheduled SF, or turns me down when I initiate, there's a little voice in the back of my head wondering if I'm being a chump. I think about some of the women on the EN board who happily have SF 5 times a week and just want their husbands to pick up their own clothes or give the kids a bath once in a while, and again I wonder if I'm being a sucker. That's my challenge to deal with, and DW knows it's a struggle for me just about every day.

So that's the 'secret'. Not exactly something I could package up and sell...unfortunately <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

BB,

I think you sell yourself tremendously short.

Magic bullet, no.

Excellent understanding, communicating, leading, YES, YES, YES! That's what it's really all about, isn't it?

Is your wife's depression chemical or situational? In other words, any chance she'll ever be able to get off the meds permanently?

--SC

Thanks for the praise! Some days are harder than others. Yesterday was hard...I realized that I need periodic reinforcement from DW that she wants me sexually - even if we're not having SF as often as either of us would like. She noticed that something was wrong, and I finally told her right before we went to bed. It turned out to be a simple communications error, and she was very understanding...but it was very hard for me to actually say what was on my mind. I don't want to seem weak, wimpy or whiny. That confidence thing again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


I'm not sure. There are FOO and CSA issues that I detailed a few years ago in this thread. Her depression set in pretty much the day we got married, but we didn't recognize it and start her treatment until about 15 months in.

We've talked about the possible origins of her depression, and the consensus is pretty much that when we got married, she reached a 'safe place' psychologically, from which she didn't have to run any more from her stepfather or from the abusive/uncaring guys she dated before me. Once she reached that 'safe place', her guard came down, and she started processing all the issues of the last several years, but was overwhelmed by it, and went into a depression.

She did okay when she was off the lexapro, but gets really short tempered with both me and DS4. She'd also have a lot of trouble quieting her mind enough to go to sleep, she'd sleep very lightly, and if anything happened during the night to wake her up, it was almost impossible for her to go back to sleep.

Even with the lexapro, she has almost constant scary dreams about not being prepared enough (ie not having enough diapers, or needing an outfit change and not having one), or wanting to have SF but circumstances prevent it. Once she wakes up in the morning, she can't go back to sleep - though I wonder how much of that is depression/sleep issues and how much is just motherhood conditioning.

Interestingly, when we have satisfying sex, she sleeps just fine. I tell her that she can make her H happy, have an O, and get a good night's sleep - what's not to like? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />