Hi


I have been married for 8 1/2 years and for like a year and a half we have been having prooblems. Well I guess we have been having problems all along but they are out in the open now.
My husband had asked for a divorce sometime back in July 2007. He went to sleep on the couch and would only come to bed for intimacy and back to the couch. I had ask back then if it was ok for me to do that as I didn't want to enable his behavior. Well he has been back to bed for maybe 2 months now. Which is ok.
I guess my concer is and has been a famale friend from work that he has had for a while. The relationship with her seemed to have gotten a bit too close when we statrted to have problems and he asked to separate (which he has never done) and then he said that he wanted a divorce (but he has not file). They work together and go to a lot of activities, work related and non-work related without me. If I question him he said that they are just friends. So I have stopped asking anything about her. For a while I just looked into his stuff and found some inappropiate e-mails of him calling her darling, him send her his picture and I questioned him about that and of course he down played it. I completely became very obsesive about it but have managed to just roll with the punches and not question the relationship or tell him how unconfortable and disrespected I feel.
He has told her about our marriage problems and she has shared with him her marriage problems (he told me) On days off work he has met her at least twice. Once at the zoo with my kids and her kids without me or her husband. He has gone to her home twice (that I know of) once for her daughter's birthday becasue my daughter was invited but he made food to bring and left extra early to help her set everything for the party and again i was not invited. Come to find out from my daughter that her husband was not there at all not even for the party. On Christmas weekend she called him to see if he could come over to her house to help her set up a computer (that is what he does for living) He took my daughter along again. Come to find out again that her husband was not there and my husband had to move the computers around and stuff. Something that I think should have been done by her husdand. He has one of those fancy phone with text messaging and e-mail and she has one just like it (part of work) and he is always on it. I have the feeling that they comunicate for non-work stuff a lot.
She got Chritmas gifts for my kids so he got her kids stuff too. She got him 3 presents, a dress shirt, 2 DVDs and some Dallas cowboys (he is a fan) novelties. (She spend over 100.00 on his stuff alone)
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am overeacting or not. I don't know if there is an affair going on of just an inapropiate relations that needs some serious boundaries. I am afraid of asking, confronting or questioning him because I don't want him to take all of his stuff and go back to the couch or just plain walk away. At the same time I don't know what he wants. He has not talked about working on the marriage or if he still wants to divorce. I am hurt by the relationship with this woman and how close it seems.
There are a lot of details and inapropiate things that he has done. I know by casually asking my daughter when she is with them. Like him squirting her with water and the zoo.

My husband no longer attends chuch. He used to by for about a year now has stopped. He does not read his Bible or has contact with any Chritian friends.
Like I said before he asked for a divorce back in July but has not file. He wanted to separate at first but he wanted me to 'give him permission" is like he wants me to be the one to tell him to go.
I have not been very good in the marriage (I shared that with you when I first e-mail you several months ago) I was VERY co-dependant, manipulative, controlling, jealous,... I made him my idol and I just wanted him with me 24/7 he had no breathing room. I smother him but he never said anything. I didn't see me as doing anything wrong until he said 'I am not in love with you anymore" so that is when I got on my face before the Lord and little by little he has shown me where I went wrong. So I know that a lot of what is happening is the concequences of my poor choices and behavior.
Obviously it was his responsability to communicate to me what he was feeling but he never did and I guess when he tried it came out as rejection. Now is like he was in a cage and wants to be free to do what he wants but at the same time he does not know what he wants. He does not have relationship with God so that makes it even harder. He will not go to counselong either. He has always avoided confrontation and just taking responsability for anything. He just avoids it or runs from it.
So anytime I say anything about this 'friend" he just denies any affairs or inapropriatness. He gets upset and defensive.
I guess he wants freedom with no boundaries. I don't know if he wants the marriage or not. he has not mentioned the divorce again.
I am just so confused and I don't what to say or do. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing.

And then...
The day before New Years he told me that the friend was having a Nintendo Wii (video game) party for the kids and that he was invited along with my daughter. He told me that he was not planning on going so I said Ok.
Them on New Years Eve he tells me that the friend had e-mail him reminding him about the party. He showed me the e-mail and it was very bossy in nature.
Them he asked me if it would be ok for him to take my daughter for a little bit. He said if I would mind. I said yes I do mind if you go. I said that if we were going to do something it should be as a family. And that if we were not all invited it was rude of her to just invite him and my daughter and not all of us. He said that I had a point. Then he said that it was his fault and that his friend does not feel comfortable around me because of my passed behavior towards her at a company picnic. She told my husband that I stared and glared at her.
Ok he apologized and went out and got me red roses. Ok so he didn't go and we just spend the night (New years eve) together.

On Wednesday (January 2nd) I went back to work and he went to her house with my 2 kids to finish the computer work he had stated on Chritmas eve. My kids were out of school and he took time off but so did she. So he calls me at work from her house to ask me if is ok for my daughter to stay there and have a sleep over with her daughter. I made up a bunch of reasons of why I did not want my daughter spending the night theres but he had a come back responce for everything I said. So I flat out said No that she was to come home and that we could talk about my reasons when he was home. He was not happy. He felt that he knows her (the woman) and my daughter would had been just fine there.The friend was the one who suggested the sleep over not my daughter. So then he would had to go back there to get her the next day.

He has been having problems at work and feels that he may be getting fired soon so he was going to be working on his resume and job searching on Thursday (January 3rd) He was out of work last week because the kids are out of school. So I left for work and I had not driven but 1 mile and he called me on my cell phone.
He asks me if it would be ok for the woman (friend) to come cove to my home to watch my kids while he did his job search. WHAT????? I could not believe the boldness. She offered to help so he wanted to call and ask me if it was ok with me. I told him no and he was upset because he can't see anything wrong. According to him she is just a friend who wants to help and that is all. So I turned the car around and came home. We talk and I told him how inapropriate I think it is of him to go to her house for her to even suggest to come here when I am not at home. I told him that I don't feel comfrtable with the situation. He just don't see (or does not wantg to see) that it is wrong to continue to act that way with her. He was more co.

Then he said that I just don't trust him. That is the problem that I don't trust him.
Seriously!!
I stayed home from work and he really didn't do anything else. He said that he could not concentrate.
So I guess I don't know how he was going to be able to do anything with her here with her 2 kids and my 2 kids.
I had offer in the passed to have her and her husdand for dinner but he refused because we have a small place and we don't have nice things.
What to do?? Can he really be that blind??? Did she really think that after me saying no to my daughter spending the night I was going to say yes to her coming here?? Seriously!!
Is she for real??? Can they not see how disrespecful that is??
What do I do??
I really felt that things were getting better between us when he came back to bed for good (it seems). He is back to bed and being more touchy and just spending time together and stuff.
What do I do now???

I am afraid to ask if he still wants a divorve or what. I am afraid to tell him that the relationship with the co-worker has to stop. I am afraid of his reaction. part of me fells like he is trying to manipulate mw by bringing up the divorce everytime I question him.
I feel stuck!
What do I do?
I was a stay at home mom and now I have to work beacuse when he wanted to separate he said that if I didn't get a job he was going to take the kids away from me. So I got scared and got a job.
**This whole thing started in June of 2006 when he came back from a business trip with the above mentioned co-worked and said that He was not in love with me anymore**
He said that to me just a week after I m/c our 3 child**
Thanks

F200, That is a lot to swallow.
It sounds as if an A(affair) started on that business trip with the OW (other woman) back in June 2006.

Have you read up on Plan A yet? That is the MB way, to go full swing into fullfilling your H's EN(emotional needs) first. Do the questionaire as if you were him to find out what they could be.

Would he be willing to go to counseling? Pastors usually will do it at no charge and since you attend church you can start there.

He has been bold in asking if the friend and her kids could come over and she'd watch them in your house. And then they were invited to a party without you? How rude and insensitive. Typical WS behavior...

He went to couseling with me with one of the pastors at church and then he went to 2 visits with me to a "Christian Counselor" but we really didn't want to go. So after 2 visists he said that it was a waste of money. He was not really open to talking and stuff he said that he went because I made him go which is not true.

Oh have have bend over trying to do all the right things for him. Have what seems to be every marriage book out there. But he is an avoider.

Read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. Your church may have a copy you can purchase or borrow.

I have the book and have read it twice. I Just let him out of the cage. I have left him do whatever he wants without questioning what he does. But he will not take responsability. He wants me to be the one to to tell him what to do. He says that he wants a separation but never left, he said that he wanted a divorce but has not filed. I thinks he wants me to be the one to do it or tell him that is ok for him to go.
I said to him the same thing that Dodson said on the book that he was free to go if he wanted.