WH has been with OP one year now.(was my old thread)
Do I do plan B.I knew he had filed in Dec, he told me but 10 days ago he said he would think about us and I also gave him MB notes that he asked for.

He doesn't know that I have received my papers.Also I haven't heard from him so I assume he hasn't changed his mind?What do I do?

Hi H&P,

I can just imagine what you are feeling right now and I am sorry. I'm sure you know, but sometimes reminders help, the boards are slow on the weekends. Please be patient and know that the vets and people who can offer some wisdom will be along to support you.

Please know that we are all here to just listen and if you just want to spew out, go right ahead.

You are in my thoughts and prayers....

Queenie

Thanks skinsgal for your kind words.I truely feel like I've lost this battle.All I want to do is phone him and beg him to stop this and come home!!

I hate that he has this hold on me.I am going to my lawyer this week as I have 10 days to respond,apparently shes quite ruthless and hates men who cheat!

I have to be strong and think of my kids future in the settlement.I read in a post to sexymamabear from melodylane where she advises her to tell the lawyer to make the divorce really difficult for WH as it will also put pressure on affair.

let your attorney handle this. Go dark in Plan B. Prepare for a divorce as it is most likely...although not definite. Get the best deal your lawyer can get if that is what it comes to.

Sounds like you have the right lawyer for the job. Be ruthless.

Hope,

Remember this is a WAR with MANY battles. I have lost many of them and won a few. But I'm still standing and fighting strong. I have FAITH that G-d will turn this into good.

I CAN SO RELATE to this. I think what I am doing is accepting and learning to change it.

Mimi has ground into me over and over and over again, ACCEPT and HAVE FAITH. TRUST in G-D.

My H has a hold on me that is probably borderline abuse. I am not saying this for anyone to feel sorry for me, but learn from what was, what is, and what could be. I make a decision every day to seek G-d for his path for me and HAVE FAITH, that G-d will turn this into good. Trust me, there are days this is way weaker and I can handle the pain, but those days spread out more and more and when I come all the time to get grounded that I am NOT CRAZY. And learn where I can change for me. I also understand, if begging would have brought my WH home, I would have done it. But it's not in G-ds plan and all I CAN DO is HAVE FAITH and continue to get up and out of bed everyday and search out G-ds plan and be still... Sometimes the biggest statement is to just be still.... And Let G-d.

Let your lawyer handle the D. You are correct, you have to find the strength inside that G-d is giving you, and PROTECT your KIDS, YOU, and YOUR MARRIAGE. Your WW is out of his mind and is an ALIEN. If you want to recover your M then taking care of yourself with this L is ultimately protecting your M as well. Do you know what I mean?

My knowledge of how to handle a D is completely limited as I AM not there yet. However, there are many on here who can help you understand what is happening and steer you in the right direction.

Rememeber, this is a MARATHON, not one race.

H&P...ditto what MEDC said!

Go very dark in the meantime...mediator for ALL contact.

Hang in there, we're here for you!

Thanks for all the responses.I needed some support as I'm having a bad day.I was so hoping we wouldn't reach the divorce stage.It's hard when I stay upbeat and trust in God and I feel like I'm just going backwards fast.

I think WH is content with his new family otherwise he would be with us right?My kids tell me they are happy together and don't see them fighting.Her kids like him,WH has money and they struggled before,I think his their knight in shining armour(more admiration for him)

He has told me he is happy there and wasn't happy at home.Sorry I am a very logical and analytical person(I work in a lab!!)I don't think his in fantasy land anymore..1 year is too long to stay fogged!!

(((((Hope))))),

When I read your post, I feel as if I am reading my own!

I am so sorry for the D papers. I am D'd so I know where you are, however I filed on ExH.

He has been with OW now for almost 2 years. As you say, I doubt it's fantasy land anymore. My kids too say they seem happy, never fight. She adores him, even though he's 18 years older than her! He told me too he wasn't happy here with me.

I guess I somehow thought once I filed he'd wake up and see what he was mssing. He didn't, and the D went on.

I'm in IC. It reallly isn't easier now that we are D'd. I am very jealous of him. He has someone, even though it is an OW, and I have no one.

I am having a very hard time letting God take over. I feel as if I have lost faith.

Let your lawyer do the work. I had a good lawyer too. Cost me dearly that I still get mad about. All that money, thousands, that I used on my lawyer, all because of my ExH's A, could have been used elsewhere!

Hang in there. That's all we can do and take it minute by minute.

WH came round yesterday to do some maintenance on the house.He is very guarded.I made sure I busied myself round the house and left him alone.I did ask him if he managed to read the MB notes.He said" not all of them yet".He hides them in his car!

When he left I told him I was praying for us.He sighed and said "I don't want to go into this now".Its like getting blood from a stone!!Anyway I have made an appt. with my lawyer for Thursday morning.Catgirl in S.A the plaintiff has to pay a large portion of the defendants legal fees.Another reason I didn't want to file.He started this he can pay to end it!!
He hasn't asked wether I have received my papers either.
I am going to go ahead with the divorce and if he has a change of heart ,its up to him!
DD15 gave him a fat miss too,its quite awkward,WH doesn't ask him whats wrong or anything,justs accepts it.WH is like a zombie,no emotions what so ever.

A strange thing happened!!OP had been seeing this psychic guy for a few years and she seems to think highly of him.WH went to him in the beginning of the affair and he was told that OP and WH were meant for each other and were together in a prev. life.They have gone as a family to him too.They seem to live their lives by what he tells them.Anyway I have been praying asking God to remove the psychic from their lives.HE DIED OF A HEART ATTACK LAST WEEK!

Can I get my wants on your prayers list?

skinsgirl...HAHAHAHAHA...Oh, that was a GOOD one!

I needed that-thank you!

Hang in there ladies...all of you...my heart goes out to each and every one of you!

WH dropped DD17 off at home yesterday and came in the house to watch a comedy skit on DD17s computer.They were laughing and having fun for half a hour!!I was angry 'cos I was unsettled and WH was relaxed and happy.When he left I asked him if he had finished reading the MB notes I had given him.He hadn't but said they were interesting...he understood the concept of withdrawal.I caved and asked if he was sure about his decision not to come home.He said"we've been through this"I started crying...he said he did think about coming home sometimes, but not making any promises...

I'm so sick of this.I told kids not to let him in the house again.Tomorrow I'm telling my lawyer to bleed him dry,I'm tired of [censored]-footing around him.I have done plan A to the best of my ability,never LB'd once,never screamed,shouted at WH or trashed OP.My plan B wasn't perfect but I tried.I told myself from the beginning,keep your dignity..

I truly don't think he has gone through the emotions the vets describe here.His got his sexual needs met,comforts of home etc..thats all a man needs plus she admires him and puts him on a pedestal.Kids say shes a real YES man!!
Kids have accepted things although DD15 wont go to his house anymore.She has even started playing golf!!!

I have been through all the emotions us BS go through(nearly has nervous breakdown too) and his just had his fantasy-filled affair full of passion,romance etc...Only if he comes out of the fog will he feel the emotional pain and thats not going to happen 'cos he truly believes I only have myself to blame keeps telling me.

I want to scream at him and tell him what I really feel.I have been believing that he wasn't my real H but someone who has been abducted... but I think I have been fooling myself and been in denial.This IS my real H and I don't like what I hear or see.I have officially thrown in the towel and I am going to be true to myself and say what I feel from now on!!I don't even want to pray for him anymore.I am going to PLAN FU.!!!

The maintenance his offering for both my boys is less than his monthly payments on his car!! I told the kids..know I shouldn't have.This has made me lose respect big time for him.
I read 'Love must be tough" yesterday.I think this only works at the beginning of the affair.Once the affair has gone on for quite some time..months..their feelings for each other deepen and its harder to break them up..thats my opinion...

My WH seems to have come to terms with the sacrifices he has had to make (loss of friends,family,money..etc)and he can live with himself.
WH has always had a problem saying sorry so I don't think he will admit his made a mistake even if he thinks so.He is actually a very sensitive emotional person so if he did have a revelation he would crash big time emotionally.

Well I tried my best...a year is long enough..now I must be true to myself and my feelings otherwise I WILL end up in the nuthouse.!!!

How many WS actually have admitted to experiencing all the awful emotions the vets say they do?Don't you think its just an excuse the WS gives to justify what they did?....Oh I felt like I was possessed...can't believe I said those things to you....!!!!What a terrible person I was..YUCK

Hope,

I think the same way. Rather the person who is the VICTIM, thinks the same way.



I think that what you express on here is where I am at so often. SO OFTEN.

I really am no one to advise as I struggle most days with this mind set. But I would ask you to consider just a couple of things.

We ABSOLUTELY DO NOT KNOW WHAT G-D IS WORKING OUT IN OUR WH. We can't because we aren't G-d. You and I REALLY don't know what is going over on their side of the street. We are just assuming, but we don't know for SURE.

We are in PAIN, and we are looking for SCRAPS of hope from two people who are SICK. Like Mimi says to be always, you have to buy into the addiction notion to understand that what they are doing is INSANE and they don't want to stop. We are looking for reasonablness where THERE IS NONE.

I think that once Mimi and so many others started helping me understand that this isn't about getting our H to come home, as it is about us LEARNING ABOUT OURSELVES and CREATING A LIFE THAT WE WERE MEANT TO HAVE.

I believe with all my heart, G-d is in deep pain over what our S our doing. He wants our M to survive and is working as hard as he can, but what if, our struggles are stopping him from doing his work OVER THERE b/c he is focusing his attention on US. See what I mean.

We have NO CLUE what is going to happen. We are still in pain, struggling to surivive and hurting deeply. I am honest enough to admit that I am jealous of the BS whose WH come home and it's awesome. But that's not G-D's PLAN for me today. And today is all you have to get through.

So for today, what can you do that will help yourself get through this moment. Don't worry about tomorrow because G-d isn't. This is about it being a year or a certain time, it's about what's inside of us.

I'm rambling and not sure what I am trying to say, accept I truly understand where you are at, and I have FAITH there is more for us to learn about ourselves and we can if we TRULY open ourselves up for the blessings.

So to end, what blessings have happened to you since your WH left? And what have you done for yourself today? Just today.

Skinsgal thanks for replying,I desperately needed to hear some comforting words from someone who understands what we're going through.I know you are right but its mental torture what we have to endure.

Today I went to my lawyer,my sister came with for moral support.My lawyer was fantastic.She started off by asking if I had had counseling and if I was on anti-D's.Also asked if kids had had counseling.Only a woman would be that caring!!!

She has sent WH's lawyer a ruthless offer!!makes me feel quite guilty.She said if WH gets verbally or physicaly abusive I must tell her.Shes telling WH to remove all his belongings by end of next week!!WH is going to be furious.

She says kids come first and he'll have to sell his BMW 4X4 if he can't pay!!There will be no money left for WH and OP!!

I don't like to do this 'cos I feel this will ruin any chance of him coming home but I have to think of mine and the kids financial security.She said I'm sure you hoping just a tiny bit that he'll come home.I just started crying...and I had been strong for a whole hour!

Anyway its done now.He has forced my hand.

I have had many blessings through all this when I come to think of it..I have such a strong conviction lately that I will be ok when this divorce is over and that WH will be a broken man...don't know why???

Please keep posting to me as I find this is the only place I can be honest about my feelings..The time difference is a pain though...

Skinsgal I have read some of your story and I admire your staying power..
I have been praying for all of us.Yesterday was terrible emotionally for me..its a real rollercoaster ride..

My problem is I keep thinking WH is happy.I wish a FWS would post to me and tell me how they truly feel when with the OP.
DD17 said last night that dad is back to normal and not behaving weird anymore(like a teenager)
Says his the same as he was when he was at home...

DD17 told me that WH had told him that when DD17 had his motrbike accident it made him realise how short life is and thats why he left cos he wanted to be happy and not waste his time being unhappy at home.DD17 said "if I hadn't had the accident dad wouldn't have left..its my fault"I wanted to cry.No matter how I tried to explain to him about MLC and dad blaming everyone but himself,he wouldn't listen.

WH is such a self-centred ****.Also,OP told DD17 that "your dad chased me,I refused him at first!!Doesn't she realise shes bad-mouthing his father!!!
I am always left to pick up the pieces.

My lawyer also stated that WH "is not to abuse alcohol when the boys are with him otherwise he will have supervised visits!!He is going to blow a fuse!!The kids psychologist has it in her notes that they said they didn't like him drinking cos he got drunk often.

I hope today is going to be a better day.I really feel like theres no hope left for my marriage...

The divorce should be final in 3-4 months..WH won't back down now...
I only have my faith in God to see me though this..
I find it hard to move on and pray for recovery of my marriage at the same time..
Any advice??

I'm here Hope..... My boss is on my butt about being on here as much and she is just out to get me right now, so I have to be careful. I NEED my job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yep.... It IS and it WILL continue to be THAT. We just will get better and riding it OUT.

Where are you so I know the time difference. LOL

OH GOSH, do I KNOW this WELL. Stop thinking. WE DON'T KNOW anything that is happening over there. BESIDES they are NOT our problem today. WE ARE OUR OWN CONCERN. Becoming the very best we can be for G-d. Let G-d have your WH. Remember he is hurting more than US by what WH is DOING and he IS THE ONLY ONE who can make a miracle happen.

Put your HOPE AND FAITH in G-d and know that US mortals aren't capable of grasping what G-d has PLANNED for us. And mark my words, HE DOES.

My old sponsor tells me ALL the time, the universe is unfolding exactly as it should, in spite of whether we like it or not. We are GOING through this for a REASON, we just don't know what it is.

With G-d ANYTHING is possible. You don't know what WH will or won't do. He is an ALIEN. He is SICK and WARPED.


Yes on the one hand that is so TRUE and you hang on to it dearly. Because in the darkest of nights when you are in bed crying.... it's G-d who is right there next to you holding you and loving you as the perfect miracle he created.

Then on the other hand, you have us here and we are with you at all times. Just post, and keep posting, and post more if you need to. I did. And sometimes no one responded, but it felt better just to give it to someone else to hold for awhile.

I had to come to terms that there is NO WAY my M could recover if I didn't move on and recover myself personally. This is so IMPORTANT to understand. You are in a spiritual battle with G-d. Don't FIGHT him, let him have your life completely.

Every morning, see if you can ask him for the clarity of what he wants you to do for him today. Just today. Ask him what are the lessons he NEEDS you to learn... Just today. Ask him for clarity of his will for you, so you can be of maximum service to him and others.

I am in the struggle of my life... And the truth is. each day I learn more about myself... I learn more about what is happening, I let it GO more and I move farther away from my H. At least that's what I think. But I have NO CLUE if that's true or not.

I implore you to grasp that FAITH, LET GO and LET G-d and work on becoming the woman he ALWAYS envisioned you to be. G-d is turning this into good, I can promise you that.... Not much I can promise, but I can that. We just have to let him work in us so he can BLESS us.

Make sense?
But

Don't know how I'd cope without you Skinsgal..
I live in Cape Town,South Africa

I am going to print your last post to me and read it when I feel theres no hope.rejoiceministries.com is a wonderful site and I listen to the radio broadcast through my computer sometimes..I'm on a few days leave at the moment so I have time at home to reflect and pray while the kids are at school

Thanks again for all your support and help