Oh Hope,

Thank you. You REALLY will be ok. And YOU ARE NOT alone... You would cope because you have G-d. REMEMBER, HE IS WITH YOU ALWAYS.

So what time is it there?

I go to rejoiceministries too. I haven't listened to the radio thing yet, I know Jamesus does. At least I think so. Do you get their daily email? That's really cool to read.

What do you mean home for a few days leave?

Reflect is good as long as the thinkin isn't stinkin. So keep checkin in here to make sure your mind isn't becoming your worst enemy. Right TMTS? He is so good at reminding me that.

Pray... Pray... and HAVE FAITH....You have to have FAITH....

I have to tell you, so often.... so very often I feel like there is NO HOPE. I could match you horror story for horror story right now, but that's not what this is about. This is about our FAITH in G-d. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. He wants our complete and utter dependence on him to walk through this with HIM. Give that to him and you are in the VERY BEST place of your life.

I'm on holiday(vacational leave)for a week.I had put in for vac leave a while ago and it was a coincidence that I got my D papers at the start of my holiday.I had the time to absorb it and time to see my lawyer!!

My friends at work are so supportive as some of them have been through this.I work half-day which is great,might have to work full day now though...

I have SURRENDERED my worries to God.Its hard and scary..suppose this is a true test of my faith and trust
in God!!

Skinsgal do you know of a FWS that can verify all the feelings they go through when in the affair?I know mimi's
husband was but his was a short affair wasn't it?

If they are feeling all those horrible negative feelings what are they actually addicted to...is it the sex..or another EN?What keeps them there?

I think my WH is over the guilt and has moved on..and accepted that we are over.1 year is a long time ..
He has had time to settle in a new home,new kids,new woman!!
I can only hope that the chemicals are wearing down and the romance is fading.Maybe their love has deepened on another level??It shouldn't be any different to any other relationship between 2 people,especially if the have no guilt??

I am checking in on your, but I need to get out the door, visit WH and come home before I have to get my kid to school. I will log on from school and look at this further. I am thinking about you sweetie..

WH came to fetch boys as he took them for chinese.This is only the second time he has spent time alone with my boys,away from OP and her boys.The psychologist told him at the start that he had to do this regularly with them!!Anyway DD15 made him bring him home afterwards as he refused to sleep at WH's house.

When WH came to fetch them I had a few mins to chat to him.He said the MB notes hadn't changed his mind.Also that he still thinks I won't get over his affair.I said at least he knows what it takes to recover a marriage.He said if he did want to come home he would put all the effort needed into the marriage.I asked him to think about trying again and he hesitated then said no.He seemed very forlorn..its the only word I can use to describe him!!

We still haven't mentioned the D papers...He told DD17 that I should be getting them soon and that he mustn't worry about what it says in them "its just the way the lawyers write them!!!"Also we will be able to stay in the house.
The papers state"the house shall be sold and if not sold within 3 months it will be auctioned!!WH signed an oath on the papers that the information is true and correct!!Talk about fogged...

While they were at supper I wrote WH a letter stating his free to go(a love must be tough letter)...
I'm tired of being the pathetic BS grasping at straws..I'm only fueling his entitlement..

Gave it to him and he just sighed!!!

Skinsgal its 21HOO here!

I can only share my perspective in trying to help you...

Actually my H's affair lasted more than 2 years before I discovered it...

And he eventually moved in with her before our reconciliation 4 years ago...

I haven't been keeping up with your situation..Sorry..

Did you do PLAN A? How long? When did you discover the A? Why, how and when did he move out?

I'm going out for awhile...will check back with you later...

Hi Mimi,thanks for responding.My first thread was

WH with OP one year now,want to give up..its on page 4

I am feeling very down tonight and I'm going to bed now (its 10.40pm here).
I will chat tomorrow thanks
Skinsgal has been my guardian angel ....!!

Hope,

I am NO guardian angel. I just have been very lucky to have many people on here who have been so patient with me. I just hope to be able to offer the same.

Besides.... I hate it when people hurt.

Skinsgal,I do feel better this morning.Please explain what you mean by its important to recover yourself and move on before your marriage could be saved?

I have made changes to myself and my attitude about things in life.WH doesnt ever talk to the kids about me and he doesn't see our friends so how will he know??I have told him and he says his glad for me.Last night when he said "I still don't believe you'll get over this"...I felt frustrated cos how do I prove that to him unless he gives us a chance to try?

He has said this a few times now.
Its so hard to know what they are thinking...does he have guilt still? he says no..Last night when I told him his free to go as I couldn't force him to stay but at least I'd tried everything to save our marriage..he looked away from me and just nodded.

I have to be strong now and plan B 100%for myself..
I want to try win his respect by showing him I mean it this time...that his free to go...the cage door is open...NO MORE TALKING TO HIM!!

I know he won't take my letter seriously and will think I'll cave.I need to have a mantra for when I feel like contacting him..any ideas??

Hi Hope,

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I was served D papers in December...so on my way to plan D,too...and it is scary! I have the same thoughts as you... WS must somehow be 'happy' for him to pursue on with D papers, etc. etc. and like you, I am still working really hard NOT to think about WS, OP, his life, etc. etc.....and continue to learn to focus on MYSELF!... which, as far as I am concerned, is the BIGGEST challenge for any BS...

I don't know the details of your situation.... but I have been in PLAN B for over two years... minimum email contact re two boys.... and continue to reduce 'any' contact as boys' schedule becomes more and more a routine.... and this has been very helpful for my personal R, if not M recovery.

I don't know of your situation, but you seem to have 'maintained' contact with WS, inspite of the pain....

Did you do a PLAN A? Have you ever considered giving him a PBL and go into PLAN B? ....it's still not too late.... I think you need to cut contact, have access to the least possible information re WS, in order to have the best chance to....personally recover! ...think about it...

In the meantime...know that you are not alone...and that many of us here struggle with the same feelings and challenges....

Hi Lunamare

Married '86-two boys:15&18 DD 8/12/06.WH moved in with OP who is 41 and has 3 teenage boys.OP has tattoos and body piercings, works for WH.Did plan A and plan B was hard with him not at home.WH is textbook and is in a MLC.My problem is I begged and pleaded too long.

I just want to know from FWS if its true about not being all that happy etc.I find it hard to believe cos logic says if they were they'd come home!

How many people actually stop the divorce once filed?

Because that is the journey that G-d has us on. Plain, simple and COMPLETELY OF FAITH.

Yesterday I went to go see WH. I ended up having a conversation with him where he was reading this book called Wild At Heart. Mimi told me to run, do not walk to the bookstore. Of course I did as she TOLD me. I read almost the whole book last night.

My mantra or whole being in life is to fix people. So much so that I in many ways acted like G-d. THAT WAS NO MY PLACE, EVER. EVERYONE, has a journey in life and for years I tried to fix my H or protect him and all it did was CAUSE MORE TROUBLE. I lost who I WAS. And because I intuitively knew that he wasn't happy, I became someone different in the process of trying everything I could to make him happy, only it drove me away and ultimately him away.

I have to heal myself completely and part of that is COMPLETELY LETTING GO of my H to G-d. This book that my H is reading is actually what my H is living. He HAS lost his SOUL, he has been searching for it since before he MET me and I didn't have enough smarts, etc to understand what was happening. I just did what I did naturally. Fix things. So, my H is in G-ds hands now, as it should be and as the ONLY WAY it can be.

I have to recover my life, my spiritual walk with G-d and so does my H. Without that, our M will NEVER recover.

Does that make it more clear?

hopenpray,

I know of a lot of people that have stopped the divorce after they've filed. Anything is possible with God.

Do you read your Bible? I read mine one night about 2 weeks ago and asked God to give me a rhema about my marriage, whether it will be restored or not. And the passage I read stuck out like a sore thumb regarding my situation, when I read it I KNEW what the Holy Spirit wanted me to know about that. I don't know HOW He's going to do it, but like SKINSGAL said, have FAITH. FAITH can move mountains. By having FAITH you can tell that mountain to move, and it will move!! Ask and Tell God what you want. I prayed for a husband that is a new creation in Christ, for a Boaz. Now I'm praying for a time frame...continue to work on you, especially your walk with God. Seek His Kingdom first.

Ask God to give you a rhema about your marriage when you read your Bible. And remember, Faith and Patience work together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Some great thoughts My. Actually I am taking them to heart right now.

What is a RHEMA

"The second primary Greek word that describes Scripture is rhema, which refers to a word that is spoken and means “an utterance.” A rhema is a verse or portion of Scripture that the Holy Spirit brings to our attention with application to a current situation or need for direction."

http://ati.iblp.org/ati/family/articles/concepts/rhema/

Words and scriptures "leap" off the page and you feel it when you read it, you know it's talking about what you want to know, etc.

Gotcha... Thanks.

Thanks for the advice,both of you. I have "power of a praying wife".A counseller told me to buy it,when I went to the bookstore it was on sale!!I was meant to have it.I have been reading the prayers over my WH since Nov 07.I do read my bible daily and scripture does spring at me and give me hope.I also have the "hedge prayer"i feel I do have all the ammunition I need to fight this evil.

Lately I've been doubting the concept of WH being fogged and "abducted by alliens..."my sister and mom say accept his not ever coming back!!you need counsiling!!

Maybe I'm living in denial..I know when we pray we must truly believe in what we ask for and thats what I do..Do you see my dilemma..

If I told family that I was praying for WH to return they would be shocked and angry with me..Is this holding me back?
Should I just move on..Its like mentally I'm in conflict with myself..

I do so know that God is with me and I know I'm not wasting my time..My conversations with God are very comforting..
I feel that I can't talk to friends about MB cos they will think I'm in denial..You guys are a life saver..
I don't want to give up hope for my marriage...ITS MY MARRIAGE not my familys or friends,they don't understand....

WH is not a religious person,he was not bought up in the church.Stormie Omartian says ..."that when you pray for your husband love will grow in his heart for me ,his wife,without him even knowing I'm praying for him thats because prayer is the ultimate love language.Talking to God about your husband is an act of love.Prayer gives rise to love,love begets more prayer which in turn gives rise to more love...."

A friend at work who is a staunch Christian, told me once,"pray for your husbands soul even though your do realise its a dream to think he will come back!!"

I was shocked that she would think that God could save his soul but not save my marriage.

Hi Hope,

If OP still....



I will guess that you have heard it before, but seem to need to hear it again..as long as WH maintains contact with OP, and by continuing to credit Believer for the idea, it will be more productive for you to give a good scrub to your toilet than invest energy in WH...if you know what I mean!



Since you now seem to conscious of this....can I assume that you have stopped 'begging and pleading'? If not, it's never too late to start....stop doing it..LOL!



Well...even IF it were so.....maybe your 'logic' says they would come home.... but that is not necessarily the case for a WH 'state of mind'....as 'logic' per say is not what their actions are based on...and is the reason why BS's are advised not to waste any energy on 'logic' or WH's thinking....unless wasting energy is what you...want to do!



Hope....I maybe mistaken...but this question, to me, no matter what the answer, begs for.... some reassurance or a reason to still 'hope'... and I think no matter what the answer.....although it may provide you with a short quick 'fix'.... will still NOT be satisfactory as it will NOT give you the 'guarantee' you seem to be looking for....about your M recovery in the FUTURE!

...it's the whole idea behind the fact...that one can only control ONESELF.....given the choices in the PRESENT....

...and that we CANNOT control or change what happened in the PAST nor what will happen in the FUTURE..... the best we can do is LEARN from the past and PLAN for the future....KNOWING that all sorts of other elements came and will come into play that we DO NOT control... and so, 'adjustments' will be continually required... in the PRESENT!

uhmmmm.....sorry Hope it this sounds like somewhat a 2x4.... bottom line...what I am suggesting is... that you are giving AWAY your control..... by focusing on things that you CANNOT control.... and neglecting those that you CAN control....that is, what you DO today with the choices you have TODAY!

This is what I have learned: I now no longer try to ESCAPE pain....I rather embrace it, in all its forms, as I would any HONEST friend of mine, because the message IT is trying to communicate to us...is that we are NEGLECTING ourselves...and would you please please take notice and DO something about it! (like, keeping a WS in our lives is 'bad news'!) ....and PAIN will continue to INCREASE...until the message has been HEARD!

...are you HEARING me...LOL!

Take care.

Luna

Lunamare you are so right.WH dropped off DS17 this morning.As you know I had given him a letter stating his free to go..I realize that he doesn't want to be married to me .his free to go...etc.. on Friday.When he left today, I told him very calmly that I wanted to go back to the conditions in my PBL.I still don't know how he weaseled his way back into the house !!
The look on his face was priceless..utter disbelief..then anger.I told him he had made it quite clear he had chosen OP and that he wanted a divorce...I said I needed to do this for me to move on....and that he didn't realize how hard it was for me emotionally to deal with.He shouted you have had a year to get use to it and that he had put himself in my position so he knows how I feel!!I freaked at him and said you have no idea.

I calmly said you know how I feel and if you change your mind and want to come home phone me and we can talk,otherwise don't contact me.He kept quite and I walked away from the car.He screeched off!!
I was so surprised at his anger.I had given him a PBL in October and he stuck to it for about 2 months then he weaseled his way back in...so he knows what it entails..

I felt like I had regained my power back!!Why does he want to come in the house?When he was here on Friday night to fetch the kids,he just sat down in the lounge like he was at home...such entitlement.

I am determined to do a dark plan B cos I know his going to freak when he gets my lawyers letter this week.