Background:

I'm in the military and my wife and I have been married for 6 + Years. We were both married before and have a blended family. She has 2 kids 16 & 20. I have 3 kids 14 16 and 17. Only the 14 and 16 year olds lived with us. Her 20 year old lives with her mother. My 17 year old is not my biological son. I did have custody but let him go live with his mother. However I consider him mine and he considers me dad.

My Situation:

My wife and I have been miserable for some time now. She is an alcoholic and has been sober and attending AA meetings for about 3 months now. Recently it became very bad with her not being home at all. And on some weekends she would stay out all night claiming that she was staying with her sponsor. I finally asked her around the 12th of December "If your so miserable why are you staying with me?" Her response was " I have an apartment and I'm moving out after the first of the year." At first I felt this was the best thing for both of us. But after a couple of days I began to feel that this was wrong. I love my wife but we just don't know how to meet each others needs. I began to become depressed about the whole thing.

I asked her "when are you planning on moving out?" but she wouldn't tell me. I asked her where her apartment was and she wouldn't tell me.

We talked and I explained that I didn't want a nasty divorce. She said she just needs to do this for her and that after 6 months of separation we would see how we felt and go from there. I asked her if she was planning on seeing other people and she said no.

We told the kids the day after Christmas that we were separating. Two of them took it pretty hard.

By chance I found out where her apartment was. (2 minutes driving time from our house) I didn't tell her I knew where it was.

I awoke at 2:30 AM the Saturday after Christmas. I couldn't sleep so I went for a drive. In the next town over I saw her car. I got a large cup of coffee and a pair binoculars and watched. At 8:30 AM her boyfriend came out to her car and got something then went back into his apartment. 45 minutes later they both came out, he put her in the passenger seat and gave her a kiss then got in the drivers seat and drove away. I was devastated... but this isn't the first time I've caught her. I literally dragged her out of another mans house wearing his underwear and T-shirt on our wedding anniversary about a year and a half ago.

I didn't confront her about it and she doesn't know that I saw them. I kept my cool and didn't let on that I knew anything.

She moved out on the 5th of January and took her 16 Y.O daughter with her. She is still seeing this guy. And I'm sure she has taken her daughter to his apartment. I believe they met at an AA meeting. I know his name, what he drives and where he lives.

My Plan:

She doesn't know I know anything... where she lives... or that she's cheating.

I am currently paying her car payment and insurance.

I plan on hiring a P.I. to document her infidelity for my peace of mind and leagal protection.

After I have evidence I think I should confront her(preferably red handed) and start with Plan "A". I fully expect her to deny everything and get real pissed. I don't expect plan 'A' to work.

I then plan on going to plan "B". Even though it may hurt my credit I will stop making her car payments and drop her off the insurance. I want to change all my phone numbers and completly leave her alone. I would like to tell all her relitives what is going on. (This will infuriate her I'm sure) The other thing I'm considering is going to all her AA meetings and letting everyone in the meeting know that she is having an affair with another person in their group.

One thing I'm not sure about... my daughter and her daughter are really tight. They still want to see each other and talk. My daughter is naïve and has a tendency to say too much. I want to stop this by getting rid of all phones except my cell. But I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do.

HELP:

I need feedback, advice and support... Like I said, I love my wife and want to save our mariage. Does this really work? How many of you have been succsessful at bringing a wayward spouse back? Am I doing the right thing? Should I skip plan "A" and go right to plan "B" with out letting her know I know? I'm open to any help or suggestions on how to save my marriage.

Thanks

The Chief

Welcome. I think you need to confront her with what you know, and then go to Plan A. The PI isn't really necessary unless adultery makes a difference in your state. You know she is cheating.

The children have a right to know what is going on in their lives, so I would expose the affair to them, and also your wife's family and the other man's family.

And yes, she will be furious.

I'm in Pennsylvania. From what I understand adultery is taken into consideration for spousal support and alimony. But it is not taken into consideration when it comes to dividing marital assets.

Check with an attorney, because you want to be sure to protect yourself.

Sounds like your wife has a lot of issues. It is good that she is going to AA, but of course dating another member is NEVER a good idea, and especially when she married.

I talked to an attorney... they indicated that all they really need is a name and address so they can supena him for a deposition.

Sorry you find yourself here Chief.

Something you should know: MB principles and tactics are not effective (or at the very least are less effective) in relationships with chemical addictions. If your WW is an alcoholic, she will not view or respond to Plan A in the same way as a typical wayward spouse.

There are many threads here about chemical addictions and I am not at all familiar with the details of how you should approach this, but the gist is that before marital issues can be addressed the addict has to deal with thier addictions. Your WW is 3 months sober? I do not know, but 3 months is not a very long time, and she may be still considered to be an addict and should be treated as such in your recovery efforts. Hopefully someone with more knowledge will come along and clarify/correct me and give you some more useful advice on this topic.

Just wanted to let you know that you may be dealing with a little bit different animal than what these plans are designed for.

Three months is not very long. She quit once before for 3 months and then had a relaps. Alcoholics who really want to quit know that they are addicts for life and sobriety is a lifetime choice. That's why you have people that show up to AA meetings who haven't had a drink in 30 years. They recieve and give support to each other.

I'm fairly educated about drug and alcohol issues. I'm the drug and alcohol program advisor at my command.

Chief
here again.. talk to a professional counselor
your wife is in a rotten situation.. she is being PREYED upon by the thing that is helping her the AA meetings..unfortunatley this is very common.. for experienced AAs to hit on vulnerable woman..this is WHY different sex sponsors are frowned upon
go to the meeting and talk to her SPONSOR..she should be a woman..explain the situation and get her help
your wife shloud have a woman as sponsor
your wife needs to stop all INTENSE behavior until she gets much more sobriety
IF this GUY is her sponsor you will need help from AA leadership getting that realtionship stopped..
good luck
jb

T_C,

You need to be very careful here. I don't know the laws in your state, but you said you were in the military. First see if there is such a thing as a "legal separation" in your state.

Why? Because if there isn't you are still financially liable for whatever she does. You also may NOT be able to take her off your insurance because she is your W and the military has interesting regs about such things. Further, your state may not allow it. So check on that.

Finally, with regard to your daughter and other children. YOu have been advised to expose the affair to them. I think you DO need the PI information so that this does not become a he said/she said thing. Get the hard info. Then expose to the children.

Now having done that do you want to punish your children? Making it hard for your daughter to talk to your W's daughter seems to me to be punishment. I am sure once the A is exposed and can be proved your daughter will understand the sensitivity of the situation.

Don't punish the children for your W's mistake and the failing of this marriage.

Finally, one poster mentioned that MB doesn't work or work well when someone is already addicted to something else. Dr. Harley refuses to counsel someone until the addiction is addressed because he has found that the additional addiction interfers with the Spouses ability to see and understand what they are doing.

So please see a lawyer, please check with your military personnel folks about insurance and such, and please revise your plan accordingly. I do think you need the PI data. It will be important to the children and keep you out of the middle of a he said/she said mess. Cost of a PI $$$$, having absolute proof...priceless.

God Bless,

JL

JB,
Thanks for your input and support. I went to a counselor 3 times last week. I concur... she is in a rotten situation and feel that the very people that are supposed to be helping her are taking advantage of her ... She has told me that her sponsor is a woman... but she did change sponsors and her new sponsor is supposedly a woman.

Before I contact her sponsor or talk to anyone at AA I think I should confront her about the infidelity. What do you think? I'm new to this and I'm not really sure what steps I should take first.

JL,
Thanks for your input... I'm in Pennsylvania there is no legal separation here.

As far as your input on insurance... if you're talking about medical insurance the military will cover her until we're divorced and there's nothing I can do about that... And even if I could... I wouldn't drop her... my step-daughter needs foot surgery.

If you're talking about auto insurance I'm not sure that the military would have any say-so about weather I'm providing auto insurance for my wife or not.

However I am required to provide support for her... If she wanted to she could raise a big stink about me not supporting her. However, it would be up to the commanding officer weather to require me to pay her any money or not. And most CO's will take all factors into consideration before doing anything...

It's interesting you mention the PI data and a he said/she said situation. I’ve really been going back and forth about hiring a PI. I want to but… you’re right it’s expensive. Does anyone have an opinion on this?

My understanding is that her EX …(Never Married but is the father of her daughter) claimed that she was having an affair when they were together. He made sure the daughter knew about it and I believe she is very sensitive to the situation. My wife said she was seeing another man… but only after she left her EX. (he said/she/said) The other man was married and she was the other woman. I know my step-daughter has been to this mans apartment with my wife…I’m pretty sure she knows what’s going on. My kids don’t know yet…

I think this is an addictive pattern of hers that has continued throughout our marriage. I have always felt that it was never just me and my wife in this relationship. She has always seemed to have a “safety net”. A male companion that she could run to in the event that our marriage didn’t work out. I don’t think she ever made a total commitment to me, only a half-hearted one. I think it’s a trust issue with her and she has admitted having issues with trust.

Do you think she is capable of being in a truly committed, loving, trusting relationship? I don’t know if she’s capable…. Does anyone else have an opinion on this?

Thanks for everything…
Chief

Hi Chief/C_G,



Based on what you've shared with us, No.

I would say, that your situation does NOT sound hopeless to me.

The A must end before you can begin rebuilding your M. What have you done to help end the A? Exposure is the best way to end the A.

I agree with JL and the price of a PI is well worth the cost to keep you from a he said/she said mess... without impartial FACTS, it will be hard to make your case to your children or to a divorce court if things don't work out favorably.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks RIF...

I'm going to make a similar post in the general questions....Just to see if I get more feedback...

Hey C_G,

I'll reply to your thread in GQII... the weekends are very slow around here and GQII gets more traffic than JFO...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks,

Active Duty Marine in Afganastan?

CG

Hey C_G,

I'm a former Marine... I'm an Army Reservist on my second tour in Afghanistan.