My M ended last October. I got a lot of advice here on how to deal with my exh, how to handle things. A lot of it was really good, and it helped me to think about things in a completely different way. So that was great!

While me and my ex were separated, I went through a torrent of emotions that wiped me out: despair, anger, resentment, depression, etc.

But the real turning point for me in my own personal recovery was when I came to the point where I asked myself THE question. "If I was so miserable WITH him, and he has not changed, WHY do I want him back?" The answer for me was that NO, I did NOT want him back. I would not be able to take him back, nor would he be able to meet enough of my needs (or would he want to). Then things became a lot clearer....

I jumped into living MY life again... in a million different ways. And it helped me a lot. To slowly force myself to go out, try new things, allow myself to let the house go a bit, have FUN....

And an amazing thing happened... I am actually happier than I have been in YEARS.

I have come to the conclusion that sometimes it is not such a bad thing to let go of a failing M. (of course after a sufficient amount of time and energy was put into saving it, ESPECIALLY when there are kids involved). Sometimes it is better to just accept that it is over, and allow yourself to move on.

So, here is some of the advice that I have to offer those of you that are in plan B, or are divorcing, in order to recover THEMSELVES.

1- If a D is imminent, or has happened, accept it. It does not mean that all hope is lost, but at this time you should let the M go, and move forward with your life. Try not to dwell in anger or hatred towards your spouse. All that does is hurt YOU. Your WS will not know, or care, how you are feeling. SO the best thing to do it to stop letting THEM affect you.

2- GO OUT WITHOUT YOUR KIDS! For the longest time I had the kids or was at work. There was no relaxation time. When my EX started to take the kids for the weekends, I at first sat at home depressed, then a lot of my old friends started to come out of the woodwork, and ask me out... and I learned how to be ME again... not just a boss, or a mom. But ME. I started to have fun again, I learned how to flirt again with other single men, and it boosted my self confidence.

3- Learn HOW to deal with your EX in a way that is ok with you. Detach. It took me a while, but I did not want to cut my Ex out of my life completely, and go the whole plan b. I just spelled out for him that he could call the kids until 8 :45 at night, or I would not let them answer the phone. I told him that I no longer wanted him to leave the living room when he came to pick up the kids. A BUNCH of other things. He has, surprisingly, respected almost all of them. It keeps us civil to each other, and there is less tension. And I think that he realizes that too.

4- Don't talk poorly about your ex to your kids, or in front of them. I still tell my kids that their daddy loves them. I treat him civilly when he gets them, or drops them off. I am sometimes friendly, but I do not offer any info. about my life, or ask him anything about his personal life. It is better that way.

5- Don't view this as an ending to YOU. View it as a glitch in your life that you CAN and WILL get past. Read self-help books. Spend some quality time with your kids, or friends, or family. KEEP BUSY. That is the best thing that you can do.

6- And, above all, do NOT feel like a failure if your M did not work out, or keep beating yourself up about what you did wrong.As long as you are willing to FIX what is not good about you, it is a start. And you cannot change the past. What happened, happened. It is time to move forward, and stop torturing yourself. If you do fix yourself, in time your WS may begin to see it, and things may go from there.

7- Last of all, realize that all of us are only human. We all have made mistakes, we all will have to answer to God once we pass on. SO try to live your life with love, and respect for everyone. It is amazing how many people will realize it, and appreciate it.

Just a few thoughts that I had... just thought I would post!

Excellent points Sadmo. It's nice that your life has become full again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're STILL an amazing LADY!! Thank you for the sharing!

Rin

Loved the post!

Oh, may I add live your live like they don't exist, don't worry about what THEY are doing, USUALLY WHAT THEY ARE NOT DOING!!!

FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS, AND FOCUS MORE ON YOURSELF!!!!

What an excellent post, Sadmo! Those are very wise words, indeed!

I'm thrilled to read that you are doing so well.

Thanks Sadmo,

I am having a hard time doing what you say. My IC tells me all the time to let it go, but I just can't. I too am D'd, I filed because of his A. He has been living with her almost 2 years now. Doesn't look like it will end anytime soon.

I am jealous of him. He has a new life. I don't. Yeah, I know, whose fault is that?, but I guess I am feeling sorry for myself. I didn't ask for him to have an A, I didn't ask to have to start over again, yet he's the one that's happy and I'm not.

I also am having a VERY hard time in what other people think. I know I shouldn't bother, but I'm sure he told everyone it was my fault, as all his friends and family seem to be accepting his A and the OW. They go out with ExH and OW all the time, like he did nothing wrong. I can't believe people would do that. She is young enough to be his daughter, yet others see nothing wrong with what he did. He is very respected at work, yet they accept waht he did. How can people have the same morals as him? I wish I could take an ad out in the paper and tell these people this is how it really was. Sure I wan't perfect, but I didn't make him cheat on me. If he wasn't happy then he should have gotten a D. I know he's told people things and they see me as the reason why he had the A...he wasnt; happy in years etc. etc. and I'm having a hard time living with that. Knowing that others think bad of me and as I said, I didn't make him do it.

I know it's all silly, but that's how I feel.

catgirl, you are letting him win. live you life and be happy...that is the best revenge. Be happy. Associate with people that would not tolerate adultery. Get out...meet people...there's a whole world waiting. I've met lots of wonderful women that are in the same place as are you...its sad because they don't see their worth and let year after year slip by pining for some pos that really isn't worth the effort.

Listen to the therapist...it's time move on.

Catgirl,



MEDC is so right.

I know it sucks to have people believe things about you that aren't true, but let's think about this for a minute...from your description, these are people who find adultery to be acceptable if someone is disatisfied in their marriage.

Given that, are these really people whose opinions you value?

It might appear that he has a new life. What he has is a relationship with a slim to none chance of success. After all, they are two people who are innately selfish, as evidenced by their actions and choices.

You, on the other hand, truly have an honest opportunity to find real happiness - not the sort that is built on lies. You also have your integrity intact and that is priceless.

I understand your feelings, though. I do understand that it "feels" like they have won and are living some sort of happy life.

But feelings aren't facts. It is a fact that their relationship is built on lies and selfishness.

From my perspective, you are the real winner.

Thanks everyone for the kind words!

Catgirl-
First off, I think that you should stop worrying about what other people think... frozen was right, are these the kind of people whose opinions you value? Probably not... so don't worry about it. Just live YOUR life in a way that you know you are doing right by yourself, and everyone in it. So that YOU will know that you did the right thing....

And it is sad to say, but sometimes it is BEST to get the big old D. So that you have closure, and a sense of finality. It is done. Sometimes it is best not to stay unhappily married, to cut ties and move on. Especially if it is dragging you down more than bringing you up. When the other person will not try AT ALL, and you have tried and tried... why would you want to stay married to that person? It really is a self esteem booster to finally get out of that dark, depressing place, and let all the good in your life take precedence over dwelling on the past. If he has been gone for two years, I say, let him stay gone!

Sometimes people just get so caught up in the 'new' picture that they paint of how their M really was... for the BS, the M was NOT that bad... in fact, it was usually fine for them. For the WS, they were NEVER happy, they NEVER should have gotten married. There is usually SOME truth to both of the new realities, but, you have to come to a place where you can honestly assess it.

You should take a real good look at what the M actually was, and now that it is over, take stock of if it REALLY was such a great marriage. You may be surprised. It hit me when I filed for my D. I was just DONE. I read a book, I cannot remember the title, that basically said after a good amount of trying there is really no shame in letting go and coming to the realization that the M was not going to work unless both of you work at it. Why stay struggling, and unhappy? Do you think that he is unhappy and living in the past? Probably not. At least not right now. You should do the same, find SOMETHING that makes you happy, and do it, and redirect you attention. Get a pet, go to a class, join a gym, or a book club... whenever you get to dwelling, train yourself to do something to get your mind off of it... it will work within a few weeks...

You are worth a lot more than to have a cheating spouse... Just TRY to live YOUR life without thinking about him at all. Pretend he is dead. Mourn, and try to move on.

It will get better!

Catgirl,

It's good to see you posting.

Your WH NOT choosing to work on the M has nothing to do with YOUR WORTH. It has to do with his.

Frozen, MEDC, and Sadmo are giving you some great advice.

Hey - thanks for coming back to post this! It was helpful for me to read.

With an imminent D on the horizon, I have been feeling all these things. Including that yes, I could probably still be happy - just not AS happy as HIM! Since he already has a 'life' [career, serious R, successful hobby, etc.] and I feel like I have to rebuild mine from scratch (in a body that has definitely born three children!). It's also hard to imagine rebuilding while dealing with so much depression, and the rejection that comes from this. So hard to get back to that place of being able to be 'the best me'!!

But thanks for the encouragement to keep my eyes on that. I feel that the less I dwell on him or the life he's living these days, the better I am doing (which is why PlanB has been helpful so far).

At least maybe it's easier to rebuild a career than one's integrity or reputation..?

Pheonix-

LOL! A body that has born 3 children! I KNOW what you mean with that (with 2 at least!) It made me feel good when I lost some weight (Still have more to go!) and I started to buy clothes that FIT RIGHT, and were more, dare I say, 'trendy'.... but not TOO trendy so I would look like one of those people that try too hard to look young... I just wanted to look BETTER, and FEEL better. And, it was AMAZING. I started to get pedicures and once in a while manicures, I got my hair cut nicely, colored... and I felt HOT for the first time in a LONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG time.

It made me then feel more flirtatious, and I felt a lot better about myself. SO I have been keeping up on my appearance at all times now, for MY benefit.

That is what I would recommend for your depression: Make YOU look the best that you can, hold your chin up, and smile! You will be surprised at how many people notice, AND how many people respond....

I would have to agree with your last statement :"maybe it's easier to rebuild a career than one's integrity or reputation..?" Once your integrity is gone, or your reputation, it takes a LONG, LONG time to get it back....

You will be ok in time, I know that I did not think I would be, and I am doing great now! I wish you well!

Wow Sadmo,

You sound awesome. Mazel Tov on all your successes. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

I need to read about life after M, and know that I will be ok.

Thanks for the encouragement Sadmo! I am definitely still trying to take care of myself (though my little munchkins make it tough occasionally!) Working out still makes me feel good (and makes me want to eat well), so I've been trying hard to keep up with that even though it's often the last thing I feel like doing. But still, my body's potential just ain't what it used to be! I think too much stretching and sagging has already taken place! :-) Maybe there will be men out there who appreciate such illustrious 'war wounds'..?!

Do you still think about your XH a lot? Just wondering if that (how he's doing or how you think towards him) has had much affect on how *you* are doing?

With respect to buying trendy(ish) clothes etc., I have to add that my BF took me out and helped me pick out some clothes and boy do I feel great when I wear them! The trouble is, I've only got one outfit. I am and have always been a fashion MORON, and BF lives 6 hours away so it will be a long time before I see her again to expand on my new wardrobe. But it is something I long to do. Does anyone have suggestions for how to deal with this? Is there such a thing as a professional fashion consultant or somebody who can help? Seriously, most of my clothes have not been in style since the 80's and even back then my BF (same one) helped me pick out those.

catgirl,

I feel this way myself. I know that my H has told his friends that we used to be friends with that he blames me because of all the neglect and our marital problems. That I was never satisfied with him.

I think it's something that came from growing up. My parents always cared what other people thought and were always very private about our lives. Going through something like this, you don't have control over what people are saying. You just have to do the best you can do for you and not dwell on it. Those people are worth your time or heart ache.

SG-
Thanks!
Pheonix- No, I really do not think of my EX anymore when it comes to much of anything... except when he is going to take the kids, or anything that he NEEDS to know about the kids.

He recently moved in with his girlfriend, and it did not even cause a FLICKER of feeling. Which was odd. I can look at him now, and I do not have "IT" for him anymore. In fact, I look at him, and a lot of time I do not even feel like I recognize him. Which is good, because that just means to me that I have moved past him. I am not clutching onto a ghost of what was, or at least what I imagine it was. I did that for a LONG time... then I just got MAD. Because I felt rejected. And Once I realized that I did not even want someone like HIM... I was able to get on with my life and move forward.
It has been going well.
I do not do anything with him in mind... NOTHING. He is in fact NOT on my mind unless I HAVE to have him on my mind.
Once I realized how much happier I was WITHOUT the stress of him being around, and the games he played... I was 1000% better.
I have also dated a little, which, surprisingly has been fun. I thought it would be awkward, and weird, but it wasn't. The first kiss I had after my M was a little weird... but GOOD! I never would have thought!

I can honestly say that I have come to a place where I am pretty happy with ME. And that is wonderful.

Tabby- I ALSO was not a good dresser. I wore the same thing all the time. But then I started to watch the show 'what not to wear' and I thought that even though I HATE shopping for clothes, I would spend several hours at the mall finding new things. And I felt GREAT after I got a couple of new outfits... that fit well. It does a self esteem good!

ZZ- my EX also tells everyone that I was impossible to live with, I was terrible, I was this... but you know what? Most people he tells realize that there is MY side too. So it did not bother me as much. Plus, in the scheme of things, it did not really matter. He was the one that left, he was the one that started dating when we were 'working things out' he was the one that would play hot and cold... our mutual friends saw all of this. They KNEW. They knew that we both had our faults. But they also knew that he did not make much of an effort to fix things.

And, right now, I do not hold anything against him for not attempting to fix things. We BOTH seem happier now. And our kids seem happy. So that is all that matters!

Well, today was EXH's birthday. I was not going to get him anything, but the girls (mostly my oldest) wanted to get him a card. No, she was not happy MAKING him a card.
I had not gotten even a card from the girls from him. I wanted to be spiteful... then.
But, then I came to realize that it meant a LOT to my oldest DD to BUY something for her dad, who she dearly loves. So I let them pick out a card for him. My oldest DD then wanted to get a gift for him, but I told her that no, she could make him a picture, and it would mean more. She finally was ok with it.

Well EXH's girlfriend, who he just moved in with, had a birthday dinner at a restaurant for him and all of their friends. He picked up the kids and took them. Then he dropped them off. He came in the house, and I told him happy birthday... but he did not hear me over the girls. He walked out of the door, and said, "thanks for telling me happy birthday!" all sarcastically. I told him to wait, I DID tell him that. He stepped back in the house, and he looked at me, and I told him happy birthday. He went to hug me, and I stopped him with my hand. Then I touched his face, which was clean shaven (something he would not do for ME) and I told him again, happy birthday.
He took my hand away, and told me, "I hope that you are happy, for real." I told him I was. He then said he was happy I was, and he left.
I was happy that I was not triggered at all. I was happy that I could look at him with indifference.
How weird. I remember a year ago I was SO STRESSED by him. I did not know what was what.... and now it is all settled, and we are moving on.... it is strange, yet good.

Just thought I would post an update....

Well.
I just had drama with my little DD. She had a BAD asthma attack, and I took her to the ER, where they sent her to the U of C Children's hospital....

VERY NERVE RACKING....

My DD came home today, and she is doing well... THANK GOD!

But, while she was there my EXH showed his true colors once again... he called the hospital, and said that he wanted to know the "REAL" reason she was in the hospital, asthma was NOT a good enough reason... he called me and told me that he is going to get a lawyer, and call child protective services on me... because I do not keep the cleanest house.

My house is NOT dirty. Just a little messy. AND he knows that.

He basically was there, on the phone, draining me even MORE emotionally...

I finally just told him to do whatever, and to go F himself. And I hung up. He then called the nurse, who gave him a rundown on our DD, and told him that he should NEVER, EVER smoke around her. (this is what triggered it... he had her at a party with a bunch of smokers...)

He then called me later, acting all nice, and THANKED me for taking care of our DD.

Which made me all the more happy that he is not in my LIFE directly.
I just wish he had a brain sometimes....

So I met Exh's girlfriend today. Basically he did not feel like dropping them off to me, I had to get them (had a baby shower to go to with the kids). I brought clothes for the girls to change into. I knocked on the door, he opened it, and I think just assumed that I would wait outside. He hesitantly asked if I would like to come in. I said sure (evil smile... he seemed NERVOUS). I went in and she was on the couch. And I was shocked. Because I really did not care at all. It was almost surreal.
I said hi (because she hadn't, and she was watching tv)... It thought that I may as well be civil...
She said it back. ExH seemed so on edge. He was trying to get our DD dressed as fast as possible. When I left, his GF offered me a bag for all of their junk, I said thanks, and I left.

No pounding heart, no nervousness, no ANYTHING. EXCEPT.... I was surprised. She was not what I would have thought he would have went for... she looks older than she is... easily I could have thought she was in her 40's (she is in her 30's). She had a smokers voice, her skin was kind of rough and wrinkly looking, like she tans and smokes too much. NOTHING to look at at all. I was kind of surprised.

So that hurdle has been jumped, with no ill effects. Who would have thought?

I continue on, slaying all of my dragons! I got a transfer at work, so I will move onto that dragon now!