I started this journaling process on In Recovery...but I got to thinking I always got such wonderful help from General Questions. Not that I haven't gotten amazing words of wisdom and support from IR but strength in numbers...something I've come to realize as a result of the isolation caused from WH's emotional abuse due to his A. Anyway, here is the beginning thread...

marriagebuilders

Hi MellySue,

I read your story and hear your pain. I disagree with the IC that he needs to move out. IMHO, you need closure and your H needs to help you get it. That is what your healing requires.

Have you ever read the 5 stages of grieving thread? Here's the link: 5 stages of grieving thread

Hope this helps.
L.

Orchid...you are so right! Its closure I'm looking for but my WH wants only to pretend its done and over with...under the rug it went as far as he's concerned. He thinks that because he started C and HE believes himself that that should be good enough. The fact that he believes that he was someone else during that time and is a whole new man...as he says...that I should be over it. He keeps saying its been a year of me telling you that its you but those are just words. And until I get the answers I need forgiveness is not only far fetched but definately not gonna happen. I don't understand why this is such a difficult concept for him. But I don't understand a lot about him anymore it seems. He pushes for intimacy but I'm not ready for that and I don't know when I will be...probably about the same time that he's ready to finally give the whole story honestly.

All that being said I've been trying to take inventory of what I do know since there's so much I don't...

I KNOW FOR SURE that life doesn't always end of the way you think it will.

I KNOW FOR SURE that even the best people make mistakes but only the very best do what they can to fix them and learn from them.

I KNOW FOR SURE that I am a survivor...always have been always will be even in the darkest moments.

I KNOW FOR SURE that somethings gotta give.

So far that's what I've got...I tried to only acknowledge the more positive. Obviously while my WH says he KNOWS he'll be better I say the only thing we KNOW is what he's done already. What he will be is a matter of the present and thereafter.

Closure is something I crave everyday.  For me closure is getting the answers I need but I know that I will probably never get them.  If that ends up being the case then there is no hope for my M.  Without those answers I will be ok and I know that for sure.  What I don't know is how our M will fare without those same answers.  I guess what's important right now in this moment is how the kids and I will be.  My WHs mistakes are not ours...but have taken so much from us anyway.  I have allowed them to become a burden to both me and my kids.  He wants what we used to be and can't understand why I can't just be that or why intimacy is not something I want right now.  But for a year I've been waiting for something to give...for him to finally accept responsibility and be honest.  Instead I've gotten an out of sight out of mind mentality that revolves around him trying to buy or kiss away what he did with no more honesty than I got on dday #1.  Will he ever step up?? Will he ever be willing to give more than I don't know?  I just want to move out of this cloud this storm in one piece. 

Well I'm going to try to piece my story together here since I have many posts making it impossible to follow...there are many more but I thought this is a start...I've been coming here since I first suspected something was wrong...

need some help from all who can help make sense of this. I just found out that my WH is still talking to OW. Actually he never stopped-didn't even try! What is this?? He didn't even care enough about me to TRY? He says he felt guilty and he didn't really want to be talking to her but he felt bad for her. To which I have to say aaawww, poor baby. So now I'm here with these feelings of worthlessness. And Iknow I didn't do anything but have faith in my H and M. We have discussed OW almost daily to which he's always sworn was over. Why didn't he even try? He called her in front of me and told her he does not want to have anything to do with her but obviously his word means nothing. He starts C on Friday. He thinks that he wouldn't have done this had he continued with C back May after original DDay. But is that true? Will it really be less likely after C? My heart is so broken. He got a different cell number and is looking for another job as she works for the same company at a different location. And she is still friends with the other people at my H location. I want everyone to know what she is. My H outed himself at work today. My H actually cried for the first time in our M. Is that a good sign? He is very P/A and I'm sure that accounts for his lack of compassion over the last four months. He says he now has a sense of urgency to fix things that he hasn't had before. Which at this point I'd like to call bullsh*t on. As all trust has been sqaushed. I asked him to write a NC letter so many times and he kept telling me that the door between them was closed. He's been looking me in the eye and lying all the while telling me he loves me. How can you love someone and do this to them? How do I go about getting some piece of mind? He says he hasn't seen her but I don't believe that at all. He says its only been phone calls and text messages. Can I out her? And if so how? The funny thing is-she's pregnant. Supposedly its her ex's but he believes it may not be and she tricked him. He was told she was on the pill but she wasn't. She's been trying to trap this guy for over a year and now he wants nothing to do with her. Although the baby is a completely different story for that he'll be there. She started pursuing my H when I was pregnant and their relationship continued throughout. During which my H was absent for me but more than there for her. Now charma has come back to bite her. But he uses her being pregnant as his reason for feeling like he needed to be there for her. That hurt so much. He wanted to be there for her but not me and our son. Why did he do this? I sound like a pathetic idiot. I just thought we were getting better or were atleast on our way. And now I am sooo mad that I don't want to be in the room with him. This girl plays the classic damsel in distress. And my H fell hook line and sinker. He says he knew he would lose me when I found out and that I would be devastated so why did he do it? javascript:void(0)javascript:void(0)
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Melly