OK, another topic I've been wanting to bring up for discussion here is how so few OW ever get around to apologizing to the BW.

Not that I am holding my breath waiting for any of the OW to do so... Or basing my future happiness on needing them to do so... Just curious about why it is such a rarity, EVEN when the OW is presenting herself as a former adulteress, supposedly repentent or reformed?

haha i will never get an appologie.... the OW in my situation thinks she is right and has told me so....She has told me that i am psycho and an unfit mother....Look who is talking she has a 4 y/o son she introduced to a married man almost from the begining and their relationship was only 3 months along..... oh well i won't hold my breath for one

"Look who is talking she has a 4 y/o son she introduced to a married man almost from the begining and their relationship was only 3 months along"

That's something I never understood either! My WXH's latest OW had a toddler that she allowed my WXH to become so involved with that for one of my WXH's recovery offers he was asserting that he would need to keep in contact with the OW's duaghter because she had become so attached to him!
I responded something about that just showing how the OW was an unfit mother.. then WH defended the OW (one of the briefer recovery attempts and talk about a lame excuse to continue contact with the OW LOL)

Well, if I could offer a theory;

To do so would require a total self effacement of who they are(ie;predator), and they cannot come to an epihany of that without completely abasing their behavior.

They move on and bury the feelings, so as to avoid convicting themselves of being who they truly are. They run from the truth as quickly as they can, and thus, survive to injure and inflict harm, on yet another person. sorta like a dog chasing his tail.

So sad actually,

All Blessings,
Jerry

I could see how it could be cathartic if the BS knew or was friends with the OP. In my case, I did not know the OM and really could care less if is sorry or ever apologizes.

I'll never get an apology either. She used my name in some ridiculous custody papers asserting I can never be around or involved with OC. Oh but it would have be fine if she was around MY kids, um yeah right. She introduced my FWH to her 4! kids immediately and even sent them out for walks so she could have sex with FWH. gag she is still "friends" with my MIL. I am NC with MIL. She lost 2 great kids in exchange for 1.

Shortcuts.

I think the vast majority of OW/OM don't do anything. They bury their head in the sand and move on with their entitled selfish lives.

SOME do undertake a recovery process from adultery (typically only once it happens to them). But, instead of seeing such process as a series of steps from A to Z, including repentence, reconciliation with God, just compensation and all the corresponding actions required of the same...they take the "MY TRUTH" express from A to Z. They are at "Z" because they say they are. They still possess all the booty of sin (OC's, tainted relationships, gifts, money, pictures, pleasant memories)...but they get to ACT like they are recovered. Then, having discovered a great shortcut they can't wait to share it with others. They are entitled to teach others how to GET AROUND the process and take the Los Angeles Highway from A to Z.

Anyone that questions the shortcut is being MEAN. It's offensive to ask questions about how one got from A to Z because we should all just celebrate that they ARE at Z and worry not how they got there.

What about the people they hurt along the way???? Haven't they apologized??? Irrelevant. Their "Truth" is they are sorry in their heart...God knows they are sorry and that's enough.

Anyway...I wonder if this is along the lines of what you were looking for. It's a developing concept in my mind as I see even "F?" OW on these boards whom have not, even after a great deal of time here on MB, apologized to their MM's wife (or Husband's betrayed Exwife). I don't see how ANY OW can consider themselves "recovered" or once again worthy in the eyes of the lord or even MB without having, at the very least, undertaken to apologize to those they have harmed, let alone give up the booty.

Actually...I do see...it's entitlement.

Mr. Wondering

Hi MM

I guess for many reasons.

In Squids case ( she was OW as well as WW remember) she is very very ashamed of what she did and is happy that OM and BGF seem to be recovering from what she helped to do them. Seems to her that letting sleeping dogs lie is a good tactic, and I can see her point. It can be quite selfish to feel the need to assuage one's own conscience by dredging up healing hurts in another's family , years later.

Also, who likes apologising for dreadful, unforgivable things when there's no real compulsion to do so ? Its my experience that to become a WS / OP requires a level of entitlement in their personality that makes apologising pretty difficult in all walks of life. That's certainly true of Squid.

Admission and apology sticks in her throat like dry chicken breast meat. She'll DO it, but not as graciously as the recipients might like to see.

Finally there's the self-delusion that affairs are justified, and are love stories, rather than tales of spiteful, selfish betrayal. Maybe there's just a few % of all ex WS and OPs that thinks what they did was "all fair in love and war". I don't think this is true of Squid, but I have seen it in other folks.


If OM apologised to me now, I wouldn't care at all. I'll despise the man and wish him ill until I die. Nothing he can do will change that.

FF,

There are others on this board with similar stories, but from the other side - but so far, they seem to avoid telling us that part of their story. Perhaps the fog remains, I don't know why....

I agree that NC with your MIL is the only way you could protect yourself from the pain of this betrayal of your children and you. What is she thinking?


I think many WS and OPs think they cannot apologize because it means that it vaporizes the "love" they thought they had - it brings the truth out, that what they thought they were doing was wrong, it was based on nothing more than lust, and that they were out of control. To apologize brings this into reality - and it is much easier to accept themselves if the fantasy of "love" remains as a justification for what they did. If they were to apologize, that harsh reality of doing something completely and truly abhorrent would be staring them right in the face


and they cannot face it.


SB




SB

Schoolbus,



Have you considered discussing your issue directly with this person?

It has been my experience that communicating directly with people, rather than using passive-aggressiveness to achieve my objective has been much more effective.

Have any FWS here apologized to the BW or BH of their AP?

I was wondering.

SB

Good questions SchoolBus!

I can tell you that only one of the 7 OW my WXH got involved with apologized to me, BUT she also claimed she didn't know WH was married (um because she had a one-night stand with him when he was on a business trip and supposedly had never heard of married men cheting on their wives while away on business?)

I can only answer for myself ........ I did in writing and gave it to her mum ... in fact she was very gracious and forgiving and wrote back a short note, terse but in the circumstances I felt far more than I deserved.

It basically said I know why your world fell apart but it doesn't excuse me .. and it doesn't ..... but she forgives me and would be happy never to hear of me again.

She was well within her rights to call me every word in the book and tell me to go to he11. In some ways you know it was even worse because it was very clear how painful it was for her that I had done this to her.

And there is NOTHING I can do to recompense her for the pain I caused.... it doesn't matter I was only one of 6 women her H was having affairs with ... it just doesn't.

Somethings cannot be ever put right and I just have to accept it. But maybe if I help just ONE person on MB or here at home then it is in some way paying back something even if not to her.

AW,

Do you believe that women currently in affair marriages owe the BW in the first marriage an apology?

SB

In my circumstance, the OW/OW's mother believe everything was my WS's fault. His lies, his deceit, etc. The OW's mother said as much in her email to me...her daughter is the innocent "victim" in all this.

Must call BS (the other BS) on that one...and could give a reason why she will never apologize...but I try not to swear and call people names. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

She knew he was married. She knew who I was. She wanted my WS for herself and would do anything to "get" him. She lost...and probably feels I should apologize to her for "taking him away".

my personal opinion is that in affair based M that YES man or woman should apologise ........ except I feel very very few of the M mature enough, that is last long enough for the OW or OM to see that should happen.
I have read of only one on MB where that did happen ... well as far as we can tell from what was written.

But in any event it should ONLY be done where say a relative like in my case the wifes mum could consider if she would benefit or just reopen wounds. The innocent ,,,, the victim MUST always be put AHEAD of the FWS wish to say sorry ,,,,,,,,, sometimes the BS just doesn't want it. Do they need to hear it? well IMHO I do feel painful as it would be such actions do seem to assist in healing even years down the track......... but I would not want to force that ... I would encourage if it was my friend/ relative though.

I have the utmost respect for any OP who apologizes to their victims. I believe that demonstrates true remorse and a sincere recovery. In AA, we do not consider a person recovered until they make up a list of ppl they have harmed and made amends. I believe it is the same with this. Making amends is a sign of true recovery, IMO.

Yes Mel very true..... making amends IS just so important .... sadly an apology is all that you can do ... at least I feel that way ... but I have to just accept that too is part of cost of the affair. Ah a life 'undo' button .... wouldn't it be wonderful..... especially if you remember WHY you pushed the undo button!!

After exposure, my FWH said he was going to apologize when OW's fiance called (OWF was supposed to contact FWH...but never did). He does feel remorseful BUT....

Recently, I told FWH that I saw OW's F on classmates.com, and I made a comment about something on his profile. FWH proceeded to tell me how OWF seems like a weird person with a lot of problems, bad temper, etc, etc.

Later, after thinking about it some more, I told FWH that something was bothering me...I told him I didn't think he had any right to judge OWF or say anything negative about him...and that they had no right to talk about us to each other to begin with. He said "you're right" but didn't say much else.

IMO, I guess this is a good example of an OP (my FWH) who seemingly comes out of the fog, works hard on recovering their M but remains foggy about the BS (OWF)...

2 stories:

#1.

My husband. (He's not been an OW, but he was an OM)

My H sat with me in a coffee shop facing the OW's husband ... they had been friends most of their lives.

He apologized face to face.
At the time it was 'enough' .... this was within days of 'D-day' .... so there was not much (any) personal recovery up to that point.

Mostly my H was 'sorry' his SHAME had become public, and he did feel 'bad' he wounded his friend .... but he did not yet realize the severity of the pain he had inflicted.

BUT, it was the best he could do at the time BECAUSE he did not know anything about recovery work, he had not studied MB concepts (or any other concepts for that matter). He was also still 'raw' himself.

If my H were to apologize to OW's H today, it would be a different sort of apology. It would be far more empathetic. He does not make a 'new' apology because it would be a form of contact with that family ... something we have POJA'd .... NC is NC .... to everyone in that family. OW & her BH are still married (we think).

I think my H (at the time) was too self-wounded to have room for truly understanding anyone else's wounds .... Because of this, his apology, tho genuine, was superficial.

#2.

Another MB'er. A FOW who had been in a VLT A with a MM. (more than 5 years) I'll call her 'Mrs'.

I had been able to develop a MB relationship with Mrs over the years.

There was an unusual opportunity for us to meet in person. We decided to take the chance.

Mrs is very nice.
Our meeting was polite.

I believe Mrs took my friendliness (I am very friendly in person) as a signal to greenlight bashing her OM's betrayed wife.

I was aghast.

And this is what I learned:

If a FWS still holds onto the opinion that the BS (their own spouse or the other spouse) has flaws that justify the affair .... the FWS is still AT RISK to their own marriage, and to the marriages of others.