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Joined: Dec 2007
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The story of my husband's affair has changed now at least three times. I think it is all out but I can't feel sure.

THe story is long, I just don't have the energy to type it out now.

My question is about the idea that the relationship is like being addicted to crack or like being upducted by aliens. Is this accurate? Could it really be? My husband swears to me that that is how it felt. That now he wants only me. He just could not get himself away from the crack. He thought at the time that he was in love with two women. After reading much about it, he now thinks he did not love her at all but was instaed just addicted to her. Is this valid? IS this true? I guess I"m lucky that he see's it this way but it is so difficult for me.

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Hi Workingonhealing
Welcome to MB!

Your H has it spot on. Take a look at Dr Harley's own story and you will see that he came to understand infidelity in terms of addiction by treating chemical addicts for a time.

And WS all seem to follow the same script. The changes to the story is normal. As is a complete rewrite of the M.

Unusual for a WS to be sufficiently self aware to see the addiction for himself, a good sign.

Now you will need to make sure he does not relapse. Are you getting counseling?


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Quote
My question is about the idea that the relationship is like being addicted to crack or like being upducted by aliens. Is this accurate? Could it really be? My husband swears to me that that is how it felt. That now he wants only me. He just could not get himself away from the crack. He thought at the time that he was in love with two women.

That is EXACTLY how most waywards describe an affair. Dr. Harley calls it an addiction. The mindset is practically IDENTICAL to that of an active alcoholic. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley? If you want to see a fairly accurate depiction of the addictive nature of an affair, get the movie "Unfaithful" with Richard Gere. It was very accurate.

I take it that your H must have come through withdrawal if he has described his own FOG to you? That would mean he has ended all contact with the OW? Am i correct?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes, it is an addiction. There actually IS a chemical high, and the adulterer gets addicted to the chemicals produced by the adulterer's own body.

IMHO it helps to ease some of the immense hurt inflicted on the BS and BC (Betrayed Children) to understand that it's an addiction.

The addiction is so strong that the addict's cravings for the chemical high override their concern for their own spouse and even children!

It's also very important to realize that the adulterer will usually continue to insist they 'love' the OP, that there is zero chance they will ever again love or want to reconcile with their BS, until they stay away from the OP long enough to get through withdrawal from the addiction.

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Quote
My question is about the idea that the relationship is like being addicted to crack or like being upducted by aliens.


Here's a link that describes some of the chemicals and brain interaction.

Brain Chemistry

And here is a short quote from it:

"Researchers are using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to watch people's brains when they look at a photograph of their object of affection. According to Helen Fisher, a well-known love researcher and an anthropologist at Rutgers University, what they see in those scans during that "crazed, can't-think-of-anything-but stage of romance" -- the attraction stage -- is the biological drive to focus on one person. The scans showed increased blood flow in areas of the brain with high concentrations of receptors for dopamine -- associated with states of euphoria, craving and addiction. High levels of dopamine are also associated with norepinephrine, which heightens attention, short-term memory, hyperactivity, sleeplessness and goal-oriented behavior. In other words, couples in this stage of love focus intently on the relationship and often on little else.

Another possible explanation for the intense focus and idealizing view that occurs in the attraction stage comes from researchers at University College London. They discovered that people in love have lower levels of serotonin and also that neural circuits associated with the way we assess others are suppressed. These lower serotonin levels are the same as those found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, possibly explaining why those in love "obsess" about their partner. "

The link to the article above has several pages related to the topic. Hope you find it helpful.

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Well, how to I help my husband break his addiction. I believe he is still in it. No contact is starting now, I hope. I'm afraid he'll try to call or contact her some way. I don't trust him. How can I help him lose the addiction???

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He has to take EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to stay away from the drugdealer..NC LETTER...change all phone numbers..block E-Mail access her..make his life an open book to you..

Try to stay on one thread. It's easier for folks to help you that way.


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.

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