I had questions about a relationship my husband had with an ex coworker for sometime. It started about 6mo ago while I was pregnant with our second child. New Years Eve I got lucky and figured out my husbands gmail password. All the evidence was there that he was having an affair and that the relationship was serious. That night after we put the kids to bed I confronted him. I told him I knew the truth. I had so many questions that he just refused to answer. Since then he has said he still does love me and he wants to be married to me. Yesterday he committed to not having any contact with her. In the last 2 wks he has been totally accountable for his whereabouts. He has stayed off the computer. (he was spending hours every evening chatting with her) I have access online to his cell phone and he has not
called her. Of course I still don't trust him.
He knows that I accessed his gmail.
He does not know that I know:
what she looks like, what she drives, where she lives (she is young single and has her own house), and her parents names and addresses.

I don't have really anybody to "out" his sins to. However I have thought about informing her parents because they are christian and play a part in her life.

I plan on this week driving by her place at lunch to see if he stops by.

Other than that what else can I do? I don't have money for a GPS to track him even though that sounds ideal.
Is it common for them not to talk about it or admit it even though they are caught red handed.
I'm open to suggestions........

You can start Plan A. Read on this website about Plan A and what it entails. Sometimes when they say they are no longer in contact, they just go further underground. Be alert and vigilant to what he is doing.

Ask for his passwords to work emails, and install a keylogger on your computer when he is gone.

Look at the "Spying 101" thread on this forum.

Give him Joseph's letter. You can find a copy of it in the "notable posts" thread in the "Just Found Out" forum, right up at the top.

Know that you can change yourself, but not him. Know that you control only yourself in this relationship - but that by controlling yourself, what you do and say, and improving yourself, you CAN improve the marriage.

Know also that his affair is NOT your fault. No matter what he says or does, the choice to have an affair was HIS.

The state of the marriage leading up to the affair was both of yours, 50/50.

And it was NOT a solution to marital unhappiness, marital discord, or marital difficulties to have an affair. Being "stagnant" in a marriage does not excuse an affair. Being "bored" does not excuse an affair. Needing attention, needing more sex, needing you to be jealous, needing ANYTHING, is not an excuse to have an affair. His affair was wrong. And don't let him call it anything else. Don't use the word "relationship" - use "affair". Every time - because if you allow him to rephrase and reframe the issue into a "relationship" he WILL. It was and is an AFFAIR, and use that term.

The weekends are slow. More help will come along.

SB

Hi, Welcome to Marriage Builders, I'm sorry you have to be here. The weekend can be slow so know you will get more reponses tommorow.

It's great that he wants to stay married and is staying off the computer. But you guys have to deal with this more. He needs to understand why he would make the choice to be unfaithful. He needs to answer your questions even if it is uncomfortable for him.

Perhaps both of you need to look at the marriage and yourselves to see how to strenghten your marriage and protect it from this ever occuring again.

Have you read any of the material on this site. I would recommend you read Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs.

Have you thought about counseling? It would be best if you can find a pro-marriage counselor to help you guys recover.

like i said, i am sure more people will resond to you shortly. in the mean time READ.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm so glad you have found us.
Your situation seems very hopeful to me.

The starting point is to ask him if he will write her a no contact letter. It should say that he made a big mistake, regrets it, and loves you and will be working on the marriage. That he never wants contact with her forever for any reason.

Then YOU read the letter (or email), and send it.

See if he will do this. If he tells you that he can't or won't or there is no point, then you know that he cares more about her feelings than your recovery.