Hi all,
I found the Marriage Builders website yesterday from a link on another forum and eagerly read the series of infidelity articles by Dr. Harley. How shocking to see my life in black and white! How does he know me? My husband? My situation? I surely felt that I was alone in this horrible twist of fate and I must say that I have a renewed sense of hope after reading the articles. Now I'd like to tell my story in hopes that I can gleen some insight from you seasoned members.

I'm 31 and a SAHM to a DD 6 and newborn DD 13 days. My story starts all the way back when I was pregnant with my oldest. Dh and I were married in July of that year with the baby due in December. Shortly after we were married, he fell apart and started drinking heavily. I was in complete shock. What had I done? This man I married and was having a child with was completely irresponsible and likely an alcoholic?!?! Oh crap. He re-gained his composure after the baby came but I guess I never really forgave him for acting a fool like that when I needed him most. As time went on, his drinking binges came and went, which caused resentment to build up within me until I finally just shut him out. To add insult to injury, he travels for a living (he's Union) so he's often gone from home for months at a time. Basically, our marriage became a business partnership.

I fully acknowledge my part in the downfall of our relationship. I shut him out, failed to support him emotionally, put my extended family before him and expected him to just be okay with this. The fact is, neither of us tried very much. We'd talk about it, say we were going to try, but we wouldn't. Shortly after I became pregnant with our newborn, he told me he wanted to divorce. I agreed and we decided to wait until after the baby came.

When I was 33 weeks pregnant (11/16/07), he finally outed their relationship by putting his girlfriend on the phone. We were arguing and I was calling him a piece of sh*t (I told you that I acknowledge my part in this situation) -- the girlfriend got on the phone and said "he's not a piece of sh*t". So that's how I found out my husband was cheating on me. Oh the irony. They'd been dating the whole time I was pregnant and they were in love. I was devastated, embarrassed, humiliated, and heartbroken. I saw a lawyer that very afternoon.

The following Monday he came home (remember he's been working away from home the whole year); this was Thanksgiving week. We talked and talked and talked until we were both blue in the face but he refused to leave her. Again, I was devastated. How could he do this to me? Our family? I was pregnant for goodness sakes! Nothing I said mattered. He returned to work after the Thanksgiving holiday and went right back to seeing her. We continued to talk daily. I repeated myself over and over and over again thinking that at some point it would sink in. I knew I was right. Moreover, I knew he was wrong. Nothing I could have ever done made me deserve this. And yet, here it was. More devastation.

He returned home again on December 17th (our oldest dd's birthday) because I asked him to please come home. The birth of the baby was imminent and I was about to lose my mind with all of the anguish and stress. In fact, one night I did about lose my mind and he was so scared that he called my parents over. (And that's saying something -- to call them over and face their wrath, he must have been really scared. LOL) Finally, he agreed to halt communication with her until after the baby was born. He called her on the phone and I witnessed the conversation (his side, I couldn't hear her). Apparently she told him that she would step aside and she didn't want to be in the middle of us if we were trying to reconcile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I wanted to reconcile. I acknowledged to him my lack of participation in our marriage which resulted in the affair. To him, it wasn't so cut and dry -- he needed time to think. He left to return to work a week ago today; he's back in her area. They resumed speaking immediately but didn't see each other until last night. They're playing house as I type. I'm caught in a cycle of vacillation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> When he's here he says he'll consider considering reconciliation but as soon as he gets back to her all bets are off. He says he loves me but that he wants a divorce because our marriage was dead before the girlfriend. That's how he "justifies" what he's done. To him the kids aren't a consideration because in his world, nothing will change. This is the FOG then? Can someone tell me more about that?

I wish I'd have sought out and found the Marriage Builders website at the beginning because I've been doing it wrong all along. I didn't do plan A (although in my defense that would have been rather hard to do with the baby and all...?). I spoke to him a while ago on the phone and told him a little about the Infidelity articles by Dr. Harley and he agreed to read them through and even suggested that he come home one weekend soon and we talk about it. Then he acknowledged that he hadn't given our marriage a fair shake, even despite my willingness. This whole conversation took place while he was at the OW's house. Talk about confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Just a few hours ago he went on the defensive with me, telling me that our marriage was OVER. And now all of the sudden this?

Anyway, I could type pages full, but I guess I'll stop there. I'm still pretty new to things around here and I'm trying to grasp all the concepts. I'd appreciate any input anyone might have into my situation. As you can imagine, I'm rather depressed and being 2 weeks post partum doesn't help any at all. This should be the happiest time of my life and instead I have to think of my husband playing house with his girlfriend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for reading.
Meagan

Welcome. Glad you found us. If your husband is an alcoholic, the stuff here won't work for him. Plan A is a disaster with an alcholic.

I'm wondering why you had a second child when you knew he wasn't going to be a great husband? Or did I miss something?

Hi Megan!

Welcome to MB!!

Your situation doesn't seem hopeless to me at all... I know that this is very painful for you, but your H is following the WS handbook and for you, that is a good thing because you now have some idea of what he is going to say and do.

One of the first things that you need to consider is EXPOSING the A with your family and with HIS family. Don't tell your H that if he doesn't stop seeing the OW that you are going to expose... just do it! You are exposing the A to help bring it to an end, not to punish your H. Also, do some snooping and see what you can find out about the OW and expose to her family, church, work, etc... again, your goal here is to end the A.

Your next step is to read up on Plan-A. Plan-A isn't about you rolling over and being a doormat for your H, it's about becoming the best W that you can be for your H. There are lots of great people here that can help you with Plan-A, so post your questions here.

I'm sorry that you've found the need to come here, but you've come to a great place. Keep reading and posting. The weekends are usually very slow so be patient if it takes a while for someone to respond to your post...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Well yea, that's the irony. We were actually doing well when the baby was conceived. He fell apart when I got pregnant with this one and started the affair, much like he started drinking when I was pg with the first.

As far as him being an alcoholic -- well... Maybe he's more of a binge drinker? He can go months without drinking but then gets in a drinking "rut". He uses alcohol to self-medicate, that's for sure.

LP,

I'm glad you found MB, too.

I think you're seeing how your WH is addicted to a drug...and A's are like drugs...explains the crazy, confusing actions versus words.

I strongly suggest you go to Al-anon meetings, as well as post and read here...and get Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair"...and yes, it is amazing how it's as if he knows us.

See why you're not alone? You can do Plan A now...the A is not over, nor is your marriage. You can expose, know and meet his ENs, become your best self with awareness...and bring reality. Read up on Orchid's threads about reverse-babble...might help you not get sucked into the confusion, and insanity of the A.

You already owned you gotta eliminate your LB's...good job! Know you're doing it for yourself, for who you really are...so those changes really stick...and know your pain, frustration, fear and all the rest aren't wrong or distorted...we've all felt them...owning them is where you're at now...which makes all the difference.

Thank you for being here,

LA

I thought the same thing! It's comforting indeed and does take a bit of the edge off.
Forgot to mention that I already did this -- the very day I found out. I called everyone I could think of and by the time he could catch up with me he had to tell everyone else because rumors were flying. LOL Anyway, he's not happy about my having done this -- at all. This is one of the things that he brings up regularly that really bothers him -- "Why did you have to tell everyone?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I've thought about this and want to do it, but don't know where to begin. I know her first name, her maiden name (don't ask -- I just know it LOL), her cell phone number and the town she lives in. How do I find out more?

I'm going to do some more reading on plan A. It's funny because we'd already been doing many of the things suggested by Dr. Harley before I found this site. That's another of the things that give me hope. Anyway, I spent the 3 weeks he was home trying to be that "Best Wife" and I know I did a good job at it. I just need *more* opportunity to do so. I need my husband to come home.

Thanks so much RIF!

I know how you feel....If you need to talk i am here to listen. I have my own set of problems but my heart does indeed go out to you.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

Hi LP! Sorry about why you are here, but thank goodness you found this site. It will offer you the best chance at an actual PLAN for reocvering your M. My H found it a couple months after I confessed to my A. He Plan A'd me and then after a few months of NC, but with only a shallow effort on my part to really understand what he was going through, he said "that's it, I want a D!" THAT woke me up and I fell apart and begged him to stay. I came here the next day and started getting the help I needed to really be a part of recovery. We are doing a million times better! He finally feels like he can put this behind us and have a better M than either of us thought possible.

You sound like such a strong person, and I admire that so much! My heart goes out to you and your children. Welcome to MB, and I hope you find all the support that my hubby (want2stay) and I have. It has truly been a Godsend to our M!!

I believe that I have read that Dr. Harley often advises limited exposure.

But, I tend to think the BS is dealing with enough stuff after D Day that whatever they do (short of illegal) is understandable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I know that this is a common question from the wayward when the BS has exposed. My thoughts on the question are,

* At some point the WS often starts introducing the OP to the family. That may be after they have kicked you out or moved out declaring that they love you but they are not in love with you. The difference is that *you* introduced friends and family to the OW on *your* terms and on *your* timing.

You were looking out for and defending your marriage in the only ways you knew how at the time.

There's nothing wrong with that.

((((Pixie))))

I would like to say "Welcome to the club", but I know it is not one anyone wants to join. But since you are here, it is the BEST club given the circumstances.

I have no real advice about WS other than to breathe, and read as much as you can on here. The VETS are amazing and helpful. Ask as many questions as you need, even if you have already asked them. As for us "others", we are here to support and encourage you. If you are hurt, angry, frusterated, depressed, or anything else just bring it to us, we can help, even if it is only to listen. I am so sorry this has happened to you and I know your pain. You will be added to my prayer list, and may God help you on this journey.

I do want to say, since you are 2 weeks PP, please watch for signs of depression. Does your OB know what is going on in your life?? This is important, because you need honesty with your DR. so they can help you if you need it. What about family/friends support? Helping with the kids, house, errands and such?? I am just asking because I know how hard it is to deal with this, much less having to do it with 2 little ones. Whatever you do, don't be afraid to ask us about any questions or feelings no matter how hard they are (anxiety/panic attacks/depression runs in my family, so I am keenly aware of what it can do).

Keep your chin up and get some needed beauty rest....and remember, we are only a click away....

Not2fun

Hi Megan,

How is the exposure working? I hope that your exposure has ended the A or at least cooled it off to where your Plan-A efforts will now start being noticed.

It's very hard to work on your M while you and your H are apart. Even though your H's job has him traveling, there are some things that you can do to show him that you love him...

Do you know what your H's top 3 EN's are? If you do know what his top three ENs are, then try to think of some ways to meet those needs over the phone or by e-mail. I know it's not the same as doing it in person, but hey, you've got to play the hand that you're holding... so until he can get another job, you need to start thinking about how you can meet his ENs.

Your H may still be angry with you for spoiling all of his "fun"... but if he tries to start an argument with you, just let his anger go and say something pleasant. Try not to get into ANY relationship discussions over the phone or e-mail...

One of the HARDEST things for me to do was to learn to control my anger... if you can do this, it will really help you with your Plan-A.

Semper Fi,

RIF

I've been struggling with the issue of meds. To me, it feels like failure, but I also understand that this is a paramount situation I'm going through here and not seeking out help is crazier than doing it. Moreover, I guess I want to be sure I get control of the situation before it gets out of control. Anyway, we have a family practice dr. who delivered the baby and will be our "ped" -- we see him tomorrow for the baby's 2 week check up so I'll talk to him about it then. Thanks for the push. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The affair is still on but I'd like to believe that he's coming around. That may be wishful thinking on my part though. LOL

I don't know his top 3 EN's, but I could probably make a guess. I did just print out the ENQ and will send it to him along with some of the other articles from the Infidelity series that he agreed to read.

Yep, this is hard, but it brings up a big issue. -- I filed for divorce a few days after I found out about the affair. What do I do about that? I realize now that it was a mistake. Then I had no idea how common our situation was -- I felt like I was the lone duck on the pond, you know? So now the divorce is ever-present. I don't know what to do about this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pixie,

We've had quite a few betrayed wives who have been pregnant on this site. My own H's infidelity was timed around two of my pregnancies. I don't know why....but I suspect that the body changes as well as the added pressures a baby naturally brings, was partially responsible. You would think that having a pregnant wife would make an affair less likely....and for some men....it does. For others....it seems to make it more likely.

As far as the divorce filing....just call your attorney and ask him to drop the petition for now. It might be a little embarrassing....but you have a long time to divorce your husband....and not much time to save your marriage. You can always divorce him, so there's really no hurry especially when you're already overwhelmed with the care of a newborn.

Please remember that all of us here are just normal people and the best choice is to call the Harleys directly for expert advice. Steve Harley is very good at getting the wayward spouses to give the marriage another chance. An MB weekend would be a great idea....but that might be very hard with a newborn....phone counseling is probably ideal for you.

While pregnancy can create certain factors that contribute to affairs....babies and a very very strong tie between parents. Once your husband bonds with that child....it will become harder and harder to break free and justify his affair. You may feel at a disadvantage because you're tied down with the baby....but those ties are more of an advantage than you know.

Please get the book "Surviving an Affair" because it outlines in more detail than you can find on the site alone.

Sorry you're here, but hope this forum can help a little bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((((((((((((((((pixie)))))))))))))))))

star*

Thanks Star. I went to the library for the book, but couldn't find it (it was instock, but not where it was supposed to be). I'm going to try one other library tomorrow and if I can't get it, I will order it.

I guess my problem now is that I'm not implementing Plan A very well and I'm discouraged by what dh is saying. I told him that filing for divorce was a mistake (and explained why it was a mistake) and told him that I was going to drop the petition. He said "don't do that" but not much more.

I asked him to keep an open mind about the literature I was sending (the infidelity series of articles) as well as the possibility of our trying to reconcile and he agreed to do so "for us". I know for certain that this isn't a part of Plan A. It's really, really, really hard for me not to talk relationship with him. He's not here and when I get him on the phone all I want to do is just beg him to come home. It's so hard to apply these principles over the phone. sigh.

He's just so flip floppy. That's normal, right? Well, it's discouraging. In one breath, he tells me that I and the girls are "most important" (over the girlfriend) and the next moment he tells me that he doesn't want to be married to me. But also that his relationship with the OW has nothing to do with me because he decided before her that we were going to divorce. Of course, then he admits that the strain of having two relationships -- trying to keep two women happy -- is wearing on him. I guess that's the best news of the day, right? LOL Is it normal at all for WS to admit that?

I guess I just need a pep talk. I know I've just started and I haven't even read the book yet, but I'm discouraged and depressed. Will he ever come around? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You don't need his permission to drop your divorce suit. Just do it. Tell your attorney you've changed your mind and you want to non-suit it. You don't even have to tell him why. He works for you.

You certainly don't want to make it easy for your WH do you? You don't do divorce. If it comes down to it later, you can go back to court to legal protect yourself and your kids financially.

Have you read the articles and toolkits for newbies in "Just Found Out"? There's loads of good information there for things that you can do start doing to HELP. Make sure you read the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A.

So sorry that you are here but you are fortunate that you found MB. It's a Godsend.

Good job on the DR. Pixie....

If this helps I'll give you a little background on my story... 4 yrs ago a major thing happened in our family (not the A at the time, but events from then probably helped contribute to it). About 2 months after the major event, I had my first panic attack. Fainted at work, ended up in the ER. 5 days later it happened again. Now my Dr. wanted my to go on AD's then, but I refused. There were many reasons, I didn't believe that these attack were panic attacks (thought they were heart problem or some other medical problem.), didn't want to look like a failure, but mostly because my mom had major depression for years. She was in and out of the hospital, went to special clinics, was on all kinds of meds. So for me, the thought of going on AD's was like admitting that I would end up like her. So the anxiety and panic attacks went on for months. Which in turn also brought on depression. There were days when I thought if I got out of bed, that was good. I would be on the floor, prosate crying out to God to help me. I just wanted to die. Now, I wasn't suicidal, I knew I would never do that (mom had suicide attempts as well, and I would never put my kids through all of that). Finally, I couldn;t take it any more. It was Presidents Day, they were home from school and I could barely make it off the bathroom floor. So finally I went to my Dr. and got on the AD's. Now it was a definate trial and error process, but it was worth it. In fact, I am glad I am on them now, because I am handling this A stuff much better because I was already on them when DDay occured (actually my dr. and I had started a plan in Aug. to get me off of them. Two days after DDay, Nov. 25, I went straight to my DR. told what was going on, we upped the meds back up, got some Zoloft to help in case, because I already knew what rock bottom was, and WS was NOT going to put me there again.).

Just remember, it is never a failure to ask for help when you need it. It is a failure to NOT ask for help when you need it.

I know a lot of people on here have different opinions on AD meds and I am not saying they are the only way to go. I am just worried since you are 2 weeks PP and that is hard enough to deal with.

Anyway, I will keep up with your thread and offer encouragement when I can...keep the faith honey...

(((Pixie)))

not2fun

You're right. I guess I wanted to see what his reaction would be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />


I've done a lot of poking around but I'll go make a concerted effort to do this now. Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lost,
Hi there.
I was pg with our son, too when my WH cheated on me. It is just horrible. You wonder what would make them do such a thing when the one they are suppose to CHERISH is in a fragile state? Having a baby should be special! It brings a kind of sadness to what is supposed to be an exhilarating and closer time for the two of you.

See...thinking again about the sefishness of my WH really makes me angry right now. What a pig in a fog.

I know it must have been so hard for you and I am sorry you are going through this.

Anyway, hang in there and read as much as you can on here. There is Plan A and B and lots of examples of what to do and what *not* to do so you can make the best educated decision. Learning from the VETS on here is a smart way to proceed. There are even some FWS's that will help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And you have your new baby. My son is 15 months now and he is the best gift my WH ever gave me.

You're right, thank you for the perspective.