My wife abandoned our marriage emotionally maybe 6-7 years ago, filling her emotional needs with a woman friend that became like a marriage. I knew I was coming home to a house, not a home with her. She ended up saying she should have left me long ago, but we had a good marriage, enjoyed our children, I worked constantly, often at home, we homeschooled, ate meals together constantly, prayed before bed together.
She ignored and discredited everything that was good, and celebrated my faults, or made them up, or twisted the truth to justify herself. This was not like the woman she had been, or she really hid it well.
I did have some good motives as well as perhaps some insecure motives for choosing such a family/close knit lifestyle, but it seems outside influences, the attitude women have about freedom, ( I thought freedom was what you could enjoy together when you had time and resources after goals are achieved, etc...) not just the perogative to "do whatever you want". We have 8 kids, so it was constant pressure.
I still have problems seeing my fault, maybe because it doesn't matter, she expressed not interest in reconciling. It's that very indifference that got to me, so should I recongnize my fault in not tolerating indifference, not confronting it indefinitely, while my primary relationship expresses remarkable infatuation and motivation in spending time with someone else, or anyone for any reason. Should i accept that I am just undesirable, unlovable, unforgivable.
I admit, the silence from her, which I think is a control thing, has almost killed me. To me it's more abusive than words or physical abuse. Entitled abandonment, such as I've experienced throughout my life in growing up, a mother persuing a career, descrediting my father. We had a wonderful secure family, I cannot believe the deliberateness and contrast to her attitude. She simply began collecting (often provoking) ther responses she needed to go on with her life, as if i was an idiot and didn't know in my gut what she was doing. On a few occaisions, it became physical on my part, briefly, I had an attitude, as she provoked me, insulted my manhood, in earshot of the kids, compared me to other, I assume "alpha males". I thought, I'll give her what she wants to finish what she started, and indeed it was, she exploited the incidences and was smug and arrogant, for me it was a mini suicide, I don't think normally I am abusive, or would want to be, months later, this was not the problem, we simply "didn't have anything in common" now, she found her freedom and perhaps was going to allow me to get over my guilt for the actions she had a huge part in provoking. It's very difficult to point out the extent of her abuse, and the fact that it was ongoing, deliberate, and accumulated, with an intention to end a relationship, as my breif reactions were instinctive, out of depression, greif, rejection that I could not comprehend. After many years of separation, I have punished myself for those brief actions, but the pain behind them has only grown as I realize the betrayal, and you'd have to know the life we had to see the contrast. For example, now she says I kept her pregnant all those years. Without going into the dynamics of our communication that led to conceptions, we had a lot of "mojo" and were doing what a marriage counselor might tell you to do if you wanted to spice up your sex life, we communicated to each other all day. That is only a slice of how she has re-defined the history of our marriage.
So I rant, I'm trying now to overcome the punishing effects of longterm depression, and have finally had some relief in taking supplements and exercise. But still, I must have an iron will, I consider, what would it take to save this family, and restore this marriage, all me aside, what would it take, is it possible. At one point she said she was sorry for hurting me, I took the chance to say how it was she did,, and I heard no response, so I don't even know what she meant. She has celebrated her new life, I've greived 24/7.
I need some sense, and offers appreciated.

Hey HealingRoad,

I gotta run to work... I will try to write some more later tonight. Hang in there.

Keith

I am soo sory to hear about your pain, I just found out that my wife is not in love with me, and have spent a lot of time in self destruct mode as well. But, it does no good to do so, Life is so short, and you only get one. You are suffering, you are hurt, but you are not dead. I don't know you, but I do know that God loves you and wants you to be happy. I finally turned to Him after about a week of depression and insomnia. I found peace in Him, I found strength in Him. I actually found joy in Him, I am not much of an advice giver, or a preachy type. But, I have never, been this close to my creator, I needed this situation that I am in, to reach the point I am at. I still hurt so bad, I cry all the time, which for me is highly uncommon. I have cried more in the last month than I have in my whole life since age 5. But my wife has lost the ability to cry with me. Which makes me cry even more. I would encourage you to go before the Lord, and set your pain at His feet, He will take it for you, He WANTS to take it for you. God bless and I hope this could help.

Thanks for that, you seem to have come to peace quickly, with God at least, I've been wresting for years, but last night I realized I should let myself weep, my anger and frustration couldn't solve anything, I could feel a lot of indifference from woman throughout my life pass through my mind, and how hard I was trying to find a place with a woman, and it blew up like a grand finale, almost revisiting the suspected attitudes were verbalized. At some point, I felt peace, and God's presence. I think I can see my core now very well, I also began to feel the power to see myself differently rather than though her or other woman's eyes. I felt remarkably in touch with my emotions today, and even had a good laugh. I think you need to feel yourself to laugh, or cry for that matter. I've been way out there, and felt the inclination to act out to connect with something to try to feel in touch with something, which is a far cry from a pretty mentally disciplined person I was in marriage.
But thanks, I hope you find more and constant strength. Maybe your wife needs to see a different part of you that will become visible under this adversity, but for sure it sucks. either way, hang in as well, I'm sure a lot of great experiences are ahead, where you'll say, I'm glad I made it here. As much as it wasn't my idea, a lot of people wish they could get out of mediocre relationships. I miss the way things were and should be, but living with her and the indifference was worse, I can build a life that stays positive, and the kids will be best with that.
Again, thanks.

Thanks for telling my story...5 kids short..lol. I do have 5 brothers and 4 sisters!
My heart was broken long ago and got more complicated when the "other woman" (my wife's best friend) became her EA. I keep looking back for the "family" I always wanted. My therapist tells me I'm delusional when I speak of what I miss...and she's right (lol). I never had what I wanted...a family, a wife, a best friend. What I really had was MY WILL forcing her to be what I thought I wanted.

2 years later... depression and sadness hit me yesterday because I have the moral obligation to stand for my marriage. And I don't want to. I miss my kids terribly and love being a father when I'm "allowed" to see them (P.A.S.) My career has been on hold and changed jobs so I can be a part-time dad, and we haven't settled the court ordered financial judgment since last May because she doesn't like the deal.

I don't miss the silent treatment, the rancor, the non-partnership, the withdrawal, the indifference or the hidden credit card spending (70k the last time)..oh and I'll never forget her words "she was happy". And my mind grieves for her, my soul cries out for my kids and family, my heart torn and tattered in the winds of divorce. Yes...I am delusional.

So how are the kids handling all this?

Wow, it 's hard to find people who've gone through the same sex affair. Was it obvious it was this way. My wife's was very intense emotionally, more than what you'd think from a woman to woman friendship. They wrote letters even though they didn't live that far apart, late night phone calls in hushed tones, leaving the room to talk. She would clean the house and put everything in order to go see her, something she wouldn't do for us, it seemed she left things undone so there could be "something between us". It was rough, because the more you saw a void forming, and someone else filling it, the more my sense of lonliness became obvious to me. I was used to things being between us, but they were understood, like the kids needs. But this grown woman's infatuated need for my wife, and my wife's obviously being flattered by it and playing along with it, freaked me out. I would say I got a bit controlling trying to get a grip, but i never could say, "you shouldn't have friends, just this one, but the growing awareness of her attitude., etc...I don't know if they were physical, beyond a lot of extended hugs, putting lotion on each other, etc..., but her periferel actions defined it, her treatment of me and her creating and exaggerating a person in me that just had to be left, ignoring all I was, and that destroyed me, and she's shown very little remorse. We had a saying, I'm alive to you baby, a romantic thing. Recently she's said I "kept her pregnant all those years". The person she was for me left her body. I understand the grief you're going through, it was so sublime and there was so much at stake, I still go into lala land mentally trying to cope. I don't know where a "place" is mentally to go on, my father/parenting engine is still running, and I have to get my own household stable, get support adjusted to make it financially safe to do so. A support order has made actually hurt me finacially, and I don't want to elaborate on how depression has affected my earnings, as I'm self employed, though there are positive developments to deal with it and have hope for the future.
Thanks again for sharing, elaborate as you will, it's assuring to know your experience. I've beat myself up, do you blame yourself for any part of this, or do you think it was just in her?

HR

Wow, it 's hard to find people who've gone through the same sex affair. Was it obvious it was this way. My wife's was very intense emotionally, more than what you'd think from a woman to woman friendship. They wrote letters even though they didn't live that far apart, late night phone calls in hushed tones, leaving the room to talk. She would clean the house and put everything in order to go see her, something she wouldn't do for us, it seemed she left things undone so there could be "something between us". It was rough, because the more you saw a void forming, and someone else filling it, the more my sense of lonliness became obvious to me. I was used to things being between us, but they were understood, like the kids needs. But this grown woman's infatuated need for my wife, and my wife's obviously being flattered by it and playing along with it, freaked me out. I would say I got a bit controlling trying to get a grip, but i never could say, "you shouldn't have friends, just this one, but the growing awareness of her attitude., etc...I don't know if they were physical, beyond a lot of extended hugs, putting lotion on each other, etc..., but her periferel actions defined it, her treatment of me and her creating and exaggerating a person in me that just had to be left, ignoring all I was, and that destroyed me, and she's shown very little remorse. We had a saying, I'm alive to you baby, a romantic thing. Recently she's said I "kept her pregnant all those years". The person she was for me left her body. I understand the grief you're going through, it was so sublime and there was so much at stake, I still go into lala land mentally trying to cope. I don't know where a "place" is mentally to go on, my father/parenting engine is still running, and I have to get my own household stable, get support adjusted to make it financially safe to do so. A support order has made actually hurt me finacially, and I don't want to elaborate on how depression has affected my earnings, as I'm self employed, though there are positive developments to deal with it and have hope for the future.
Thanks again for sharing, elaborate as you will, it's assuring to know your experience. I've beat myself up, do you blame yourself for any part of this, or do you think it was just in her?

HR

I'm sure there mixed up, it's gone on a few years now. She feels entitled to have them and makes no effort to get them to me. I've had them for stretches, more of a panicked protective effort, but I don't want t them to know my grief, and have as normal life as possible, but how could the issue not be with them.
I've had sever fatigue for years, and what seem like depression, I was paying a triple mortgage payment when this all started, so trying to keep things afloat kept me from them, and she didn't make the effort. some have had some agressive behavior, but overall seem ok. We were authoritarian style parents, and she changed that to permissive style, and I am concerned the younger ones are not being watched with parental oversight at all time, which was our way.
There'e 8, so a sense of family, is shattered. My guess is they'll be very individual people, with an animosity to their parents, unless her lesbian attitude can be seen clearly. I have to step up and maybe give them a sense of the family with me they remember, I believe she's always working on keeping me overwhelmed, and projecting these things on me in earshot of the kids, and hiding behind her twisted projections. It's scarey, and I have to keep my head on straight and not react. You don't want to engage her, I've counted 5 or 6 personal attacks in one sentence, and she'll do it in front of the kids. So I'm outside their house a lot like a stray dog, and i call and deal with them directly, I have at will custody that I will turn into 50% custody by them staying with me, then I'll keep a record, and go for a custody modification.