Amazin,

I haven't posted to you before, but I try to follow your thread.

I've also worked with Jennifer and done the letters. I'm supposed to do another one, but just havne't found the guts to do it yet. Feels like I'm begging at this point I guess. He hasn't responded to two previous letters.

Anyway, good luck. You are in good hands with her.

Amazin,

Thanks for the chantix talk. You may end being my "sponsor" when I get there...(which needs to be real soon...WS asked about it tonight....)..


Amazin and Chai,

Sound like Jennifer is steering you in the right direction. I actually took that advice (not sure if I saw it here on your thread or another...) of writing a letter for Vday. Guess what it worked (for a short time anyway...). I stuck to the outline, didn't talk about A, and I know he loved it. In fact, I am going to write him another tonight (but a shorter one that the one on Vday...that one was 3 pages, on smaller paper though...).

Do what you are told people....there's my 2x4.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

not2fun

No problem... If I can quit you can too... I just figured I didn't like the person I was and I wanted to change... (You know... that plan A change... changing you...) Not to mention that smoking is not real conducive to the military lifestyle.

I think if you want to quit to please your husband then it wont stick... you have to want to do it for you...

What do they say??? Change isn't real (and wont last) unless you want it... If you're doing it because someone else wants you to change then it's not real....

Sponsor? what is this ... Smokers Anonymous?

LOL...

Go Navy !

*Link*

Well I went to see my counselor tonight. While I was in the waiting area WW called. Our conversation went something like this…

WW “did you call me?”

Me: No.

WW: Well you’re number is on my phone.

Me: I didn’t call. You’re on my speed dial maybe I hit the number by accident.

WW: I don’t know I just know your number is on my phone.

Me: OK... Well how was your day?

WW: Fine.

Me: How’s step daughter… Is she still depressed about the dog?

WW: She’s fine.

Me: OK that’s good.

WW: I don’t want to see you anymore.

Me: Ok.. and why’s that.

WW: Because you’ve f*cked me over for the last time. I’m only getting 100 dollars back on my tax return. It amazes me that you don’t care about who it is you [censored] over. As soon as you saw the dollar signs you decided that was more important than anything else. Well I hope you’re happy with your tax return.

Me: I haven’t gotten my return back yet.

WW: Well when you get it you need to go get an attorney and file for divorce. I’m done.

Me: Sorry… I didn’t want it to be this way… And I’m not going to file for divorce.

WW: Go ahead… say it... “You’re the one who wanted to move out … I didn’t kick you out”…

Me: You’re right… You did.

WW: Well I want a divorce… I’m done

Me: I’ll call you later… I’m at the counselor’s office and she’s ready for me.

WW: Don’t bother… CLICK…

Needless to say she’s pissed about the taxes…
On one hand I feel bad that she’s getting screwed… but on the other hand I don’t because I’m still making the payment on the car she’s driving (the loan is in my name only) And when it’s paid off in May I would have made 1500 in payments on it since she left.

Last night Jennifer and I talked about this and she said she would have counseled me to file jointly. But since it’s already done there’s nothing you can do about it now so don’t sweat it.

How’d I do?
Comments???

UHMMM....depends, how was your tone on the "you're right...you did part??"" ..Was there any DJ in it. If you just stated your truth, without being hurtful, then I say you earn the A tonight....

You knew she would be PO'd. My advice would be to let her cool off for a couple of days, ie...don't contact her at ALL..no matter what the reason. You know and I know and we all know that the D talk is babble. And Jennifer was right, its already done, move on....

of course, some wiser VETS on here may have different advice....

not2fun

No... I think I was very calm... I didn't say it in an ugly tone... It seemed like the calmer I acted the more angry and ugly she got...

That was a very brief description of the conversation... It seemed longer than that... but the majority of the conversation is there.

I think this is where you should go to plan B. Tell her that you can't believe that she got so pissed over a tax return that she didn't deserve (because she doesn't pay the mortgage) when you aren't that pissed that she has been screwing another man the past few months, and send her the plan B letter as well as exposing to her AA group.

Jim,

I disagree. That entire scenario would come across as bitter and vengful. It would make a big withdrawl from her love bank.

This would be the absolute wrong time to go into plan B. The idea behind plan A is try and meet the WW spouses needs and show how the marriage "could" be. Just before you go into plan B you want to leave the WS feeling that there may be hope for the marriage... And not leave them with a bad taste in their mouth so to speak... If the last thing she remembers about me before I go dark is how I screwed her out of her tax return then that will continue to be a justification in her mind that she's doing the right thing.

Bumping for me!

Any other comments?

Another bump for comments and advice...

I'm nowhere near a VET, but it would seem that a couple of weeks of SOLID Plan A would be beneficial prior to going into a VERY DARK Plan B. What is Jennifer telling you to do?

Amazin,

You are doing a great job. Keep up with your Plan A. Yes, Plan B would not be good right now with the fire still raining down from the tax situation. Keep up with your changes of you, keep up with your IC appointments, keep up with your sessions with Jennifer and follow your course. Maybe on your next session with Jennifer you could readdress your Plan with her and your timeline, write it down so you use it for reference.

And remember, do not contact her for a couple of days unless for emergencies concerning the kids. She needs to cool off and you bugging her will only asperate her. She'll come around, she a wayward.....

If it helps, during these times of trials when she babbles about "being done", "I'm getting the D", "I never want to talk to you again", just remember that she needs to show you some action. This is what I do with my WS. Has he filed yet? No. Does he come around? yes.

Keep your chin up and chest out as Mimi would say....

not2fun

Notice how SHE initiated the call? By PRETENDING that she THOUGHT you called her. She didn't lay into you right away (getting her nerve up?) Her responses: "I don’t want to see you anymore", "I want a divorce...", "...you need to go get an attorney and file for divorce. I’m done", "blah, dee-blah, dee-blah." Just a WS tantrum.

I wonder why Jennifer said she would have recommended filing jointly, did she say? I personally think you did the right thing. But whadda I know?

I agree. Let her cool down for a couple of days. Betcha she calls first, even if it's the old line, "Did you call me?" Angry didn't work with you. She'll probably try sweetness next.

Well I got the impression because it would be such a big love buster. And when you're in plan A you're trying to avoid LB'ing.

I came to that same conclusion.....oh well, its in the past, can't be undone, move on....

what plan a stuff are you working on??? That's what we want to know.....

I think the real question is... What Plan A stuff can I do?

She’s not in the house. She is as mad as a wet hen. And she doesn't want anything to do with me right now.

Exactly what plan A things can I do? Other than writing my letters and sending them to Jennifer is there anything else I can do?

what are her important EN's???

Her not being in the house is no excuse, my WS isn't either. If I can do it, you can do it....simple as that....
now if you saw my post the other night to Serenity, I will gladly give you suggestions....

Have you called her today??? Be honest....lol

No I havn't called her... I thought I should let her cool off for a few days... maybe wait until she calls me first. Athough that may be a while. Unless she needs something from me... Then she'll call...Or at least she'll use that as an excuese.

Her intimate needs.... Hmmm well I did the questionaire for her so it's only an educated guess on my part.

Affection, conversation, Admiration, Sexual fulfullment and recreational companionship... in that order...

I would also say honesty & openess, and family commitment are high on the list and could be in the top 5...

Not sure how to fulfill any of those when she basically doesnt' want to have anything to do with me now.

I'm open to suggestions.

Now that I'm looking at her EN's I find it funny that affection is at the top of the list... I was the one who would try an be affectionate to her and she would pull away...

For example... I would always kiss her... And alot of the time if she was irritated... (it didn't have to be with me) she would pull away and not want me to kiss her.