Post deleted by wrk

Become an expert on MB! Read everything you can here. Print out the Love Busters Questionnaire, and ask her to fill it out with you, so you can discuss it together. Show her that you are learning, that you want to know exactly what you did so you can fix it. Then, make those changes, as part of your core being. Women will be very suspicious that any change men make is just for show. It will probably take months before she trusts you, but like I said, those changes have to come from inside you - you have to want to be that new person your wife would love. You have to really understand what's been happening all these years, and own up to your part.

Finally, suggest counseling - and use it!

Post deleted by wrk

Well, what they say to do here, then, is just work on yourself. You cannot do the work only because you expect a reward from your spouse. You can only do it because you've learned a valuable lesson by her leaving - that you have some work to do! You may end up back together, you may not. But in the meantime, don't you want to become 'all that you can be'? Consider this a wakeup call, the 'third act' in your life, where you get to learn from past mistakes and make the rest of your life as productive and happy as possible.

It may not seem that you can be happy, since she left, but realize that another person's choice to be with you is only half of the equation (and one that you have no power over) - the other half is who you are and what you do with yourself.

Her leaving is a good way for you to get some use out of your new-found humility. Ask people for their honest opinion of you, ask them where they would have you work; and then be honest with yourself, and do that work. You'll be happier in the end with your new, improved 'tools' for dealing with life, no matter the outcome of your marriage.

I'm not trying to say give up on her; just don't make getting her back your only focus. You have no control over her, so that is a futile mission. Just work on being the person everyone wants to be with because you're happy, honest, non-judgmental, and improving. Once she sees you really embracing the new you, you may start to look more attractive.

Also, I have to say it, but have you made absolutely sure there is not someone else in her life? It sounds like it's just that typical point for women where, after the kids are raised, they ask themselves what they've been doing for 20-30 years, and look for more out of life, and there is no one else, nor do they want anyone else (I know I fit that bill). But, if there were someone else, you'd have to follow a whole different set of rules, also available here.

Post deleted by wrk

That is more common than you think. In fact, if you went to the library, you'd find tons of books on just that - women who marry at 20 or so, devote themselves to their H and kids, ignoring their own 'self' and, when the kids leave, they're left wondering what happened?

I can tell you that the one present I've asked my H for, for the past 17 years since my D17 was born, was for him to take her and go on a short vacation somewhere and just leave me alone for a few days. Days where it's not my job to be responsible for everyone getting where they need to go, making appointments, shopping, cleaning, fixing scrapes (mental and physical), being everyone's advisor, foregoing what I'd like to do so that the rest of the family gets to do what it wants to do...that's what mothers do. And it is rarely recognized by the rest of the family. So resentment and unhappiness builds. So many women say to themselves, I'll just keep going until the kids are out and on their own; then I'll face facts and see if I can keep this up. But because they've rarely told their husbands what's going on, the husband is often shocked that the wife wasn't completely satisfied; after all, she never said anything.

Post deleted by wrk

Post deleted by wrk

I hope you realize that it is VERY likely that your wife is having an AFFAIR!!!

Most of us who have "been there and done that" see ALL of the classic signs.

Do a little snooping for your own peace of mind ... just check her cell phone and computer and I bet you'll find something to be amiss. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this ... but its much better to know.

wrk, if you're still around, would you mind letting us know why you deleted your posts? Was it something we said? Or did something change for you? Just want to make sure I didn't run you off or something.

I am still around catperson. I believe you hit the nail on the head when you said:

"That is more common than you think. In fact, if you went to the library, you'd find tons of books on just that - women who marry at 20 or so, devote themselves to their H and kids, ignoring their own 'self' and, when the kids leave, they're left wondering what happened?"

I deleted the post so I would not be subject to posts like the one from MyRevelation.

I am working on my own innerself and getting by. It will take awhile but time is on my side.

Thanks again!

Good to know, but I hope you realize My Revelation wasn't being mean to you, but trying to help. Statistics show that the likelhood of an affair is much, much higher than just a wife giving up on the marriage. Not saying it's true in your case, just that it's far more common, which is why MR was saying, if you want to work on the marriage and not just yourself, you would actually be helping yourself by at least considering the possibility. Because, on the chance that there is an affair, you can't fix the marriage without addressing it. Good luck with your self-work. God knows we all need it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />