If this has been going on for years, why did you wait until now to get the right medication. Yes, he backed you into a corner, but it seems he had no alternative. If you loved your husband, why did you wait until he could not tolerate the abuse anymore before you got help.

My mother violently abused my father and she never got any help. She abused me and my twin brother, but I always got the brunt of it. I know this one's pattern well.

My mother still has the personality issues where she doesn't remember the violent outbursts. There are several people in her head.

We think it is a defense mechanism from when she was abused by her mother's lovers back in the 40's.

Now that my mother is 80, she is medicated to keep the violence at bay, but it still slips out twice a year or so.

The only reason i didnt get help before now is becasue i didnt believe i had a problem (common thing in this type of thing) and i just didnt want to see it. I just dont know what to do anymore. I mean we have pretty much got along good this week (monday and tuesday) then last night he came over to drop off our daughter and he told me he didnt feel good on his way up to the house, but once he got there he was only there for like 5 minutes (he ususally stays at the minimum one hour)I think he was in a hurry to get out because my mom was there and they arent getting along very well right now. So when he went to leave i told him i would walk him out so we could talk, He got in the car, buckled in and while i was still talking, he put the car in gear and was like "just let me go" So i was really worried about him so at about 9 i called him to make sure he was feeling ok, he said yeah i'm fine just at his sisters house (with his oldest sister and his twin) i said oh i was just worried about you and he said i'm fine but i'm going to get off here so i can visit with them. It was like he was just blowing me off and i was genuinely concerned about him. This is just so difficult because i love him so much, I mean do i fight for what I want (my marriage back) or do i let him have the divorce so he isnt miserable anymore? I just dont know what to do.

And just for the record, i have never physically been violent to ANYONE. I know emotional can be just as bad, but i dont want people to think i am physically violent.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I love him very much and i just feel like i'm never going to win him back. I just dont know even what to do to try and win him back. I love him with all my heart, and this scares me so bad. I just cant live without him. He is my world, and i am so scared right now. Everyone keeps telling me that if he was serious about this, he wouldnt be waiting 2 months before he files, but i dont know. He seems pretty serious. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to lose my family.

distraught, aside from getting meds, you haven't actually said what you've done to fix things. Not to be mean, but you sound really young and/or immature. It may be the brain chemicals talking, but actually you sound like my D17's teenage girlfriends when they cry about losing the love of their lives, and how they won't survive a day without him, and how could fate do this to them...

My advice? Go to your doctor, ask for a recommendation for some therapy and go to it, print out everything you find here, go to the library and get some books and start reading on marriages and disorders and anything else that will help. Start making more logical, mature, progressive steps toward becoming the person he would want to stay married to. Moping around about what you're losing only makes you more unattractive and more likely to lose it.

Join an exercise club and improve your body. Sign your baby up for mom and me classes and start expanding your network. Arrange for a babysitter and start attending cooking classes or something. Become more well-rounded. Get a life.

Then, you will become more attractive to him. And you'll be better off for it all, anyway, and if it doesn't work out, you'll be leagues ahead of where you are now.

I am young i admit. When we first started dating he was 17 and i was 19. Now i will be 24 next month and he is 22. I dont know, maybe we just got into this too fast, but i mean we have lived together for 5 years, have a child, and it was his idea to get married. I just dont know what to do. we were just one of the closest couples i know. Its just hard. I'm not trying to be immature, I'm just scared. I really do love him, and i dont want to lose him and i feel helpless right now. i'm just scared

Well, the majority of your posts is just a flood of emotions. If you want to actually get anywhere, you have to kickstart yourself out of that, and start moving forward. Slap yourself on the wrist every time you catch yourself talking or thinking like that (OMG, I'm going to die, I can't live without him, what will I do, he means everything to me, etc.), and replace it with 'what can I do to change things?'

This is your chance to move into the real adult world and tackle your problems like an adult. Look at the advice you've been given, and act on it. You won't get anywhere just repeating woe is me. Make sense?

fwiw, I never recommend anyone marrying before at least 25; no one really knows what they want before then, and what they thought they wanted as teenagers and young adults turns out to be a pipe dream, when they start facing the real world. You have to face the fact that your H has done just that - arrived at the point where he sees the rest of his life more clearly, and this isn't what he would have chosen, if he hadn't been 17 and in love with an 'older woman'.

That doesn't mean you can't change things to make what you offer more appealing. But like I said, I haven't seen you change anything yet. All you seem to have done is apologize, and talk is cheap. Have you read all the MB principles here, changed your side of the equation, asked him to fill out the questionnaires, made sure you're not Love Busting, started fulfilling his Emotional Needs?

Marriage is a lot of work. The romance only gets you so far, and then you're stuck living with someone you have to like and whom you have to keep liking you. Hard work. Are you doing it?

Just found out he has been talking to two different girls and even asked out one of the girls two days after he told me he wanted a divorce. I cant believe this!

Pretty much what I said...he's decided what looked great at 19 or 20 isn't all that necessary now. I'm sorry, you just can't expect a 22 year old male to be mature enough to take marriage seriously - especially when he's expected to help raise a kid, when he's just a kid himself. Not fun.

I'm sorry for being harsh, but I really recommend you just count your blessings and start out fresh, without him. At least for now. Let him sow his wild oats that he never even saw, since being with you since he was 17, keep in contact for the baby's sake, and see where you both are in a couple of years.

Dis,

So are you going to do Plan A?

LA

Since you apparently haven't read distraught's other thread, read here.

Her H is not "immature" or not "not taking the marriage seriously". Distraught has been dishing out the AO's - angry outbursts - since they got married. You can read Dr. Harley's definition of angry outbursts here.

Dr. Harley recommends that victims of abuse - be it physical, emotional, or mental - remove themselves to a place of safety. Her H has done that. The victim of abuse should not come back until the abuser has satisfactorily completed whatever treatment is applicable. Distraught has not, and her H has not come back. Personally I think he should have taken the child with him, but what's done is done.

Point is, men can be abused as well as women, and the rules are not different for us. Men should not have to "be a real man" and "stay there and take it". How many abusive husbands have made promises to their battered wives, whom they persuaded to come home...only to put them in the ER a week later? Why should distraught's H choose to subject himself to continued verbal abuse?

While it is really disappointing that he is already pursuing other women, please do not automatically side with the woman without the facts, okay?

I'm aware of the other thread. I also think they should never have gotten married in the first place. Since they did, as I said, they should remain separated until they (1) both learn to grow up and (2) work on themselves so they can look at getting back together later for the baby's sake. Like I said, didn't I?

In 50 years, I can only count one person I know who is still married to the girl he met in high school. And that's only because they had 8 kids and he couldn't afford to leave!

I was suggesting my opinion for their best chance of keeping a marriage - separate for now, let him get his freedom from her out of his system while she works on herself, keep in touch for the baby, and then see a little later whether they can reconnect the marriage.

I know our ages might have a lot to do with this. I am just so confused. He moved back in on Sunday (I think mainly because his lawyer told him he had to). He got home a little after 11 Sunday, but we were up until 2am just talking and goofing off and having fun. Then last night he came home right after work and then left at about 7:30 to go to his sisters house (and trust me I know thats where he is going) and didnt get home again until after 11. I have no issues at all with him spending time with his sister, I am very glad they have gotten as close as they have. I just hate it that it seems like he is afraid to be at home or just doesnt want to be. I just wish he would eat dinner with us one night, just let me show him how non-stressful our home is now and that he doesnt have to be unhappy when he's here (for the past 2 days he hasnt seemed unhappy at all) I am just so scared that he is going to go ahead and file for the divorce. I just get so confused by all the mixed signals. And I am trying not to read into anything that happens, I cant set myself up for that fall again. I just feel so helpless sometimes. I think I am just going to let him do his thing and I will do mine, and see what happens. I just want a chance to make this work

Can anyone tell me what i should or shouldnt be doing right now?! I'm so confused. When we talk on the phone its like nothing is wrong (we dont talk on the phone that often) and when he comes home (which is between 10:30-11:00 every night) he seems like things are fine. I just dont know what to do, and i know i cant talk to him about things right now because i know he would feel like i am pushing him. I just dont know what to do. It feels so great to have him back in the house and be able to sleep next to him again, and i dont want to lose that again. I just dont know what to do, if there is anything i can do

Have you started reading all the material here? There is a lot! The more educated you are on marriages, the easier it will be to NOT make any more mistakes, and to start putting the marriage on the right path. Please do start reading.

If you can get him to, ask your H to fill out the Love Buster Questionnaire. Tell him that you want to know what you have done or are doing to drive him away, so that you can stop doing it. If he won't sit down and do it, do what I do - hold it yourself, and just keep asking him the questions and fill in his answers as you get them. It may take a week or two, but you'll eventually get the information you need. Then, stop doing them! Unless he's being unreasonable, like changing your weight or visiting your family, you can make changes to be closer to what makes him happy. When you're on safer ground, you can start sharing with him the things that he LBs.

so...start reading and evaluating your relationship, and get him to answer the LB Questionnaire.

Dis,

Is he still dating?

LA

Yeah I dont think he would have anything to do with one of the questionaires right now, even if i just asked him stuff. I dont want to push him too hard either just being home for 4 days.

He says he isnt, he said he only talked to the one girl, never asked her out, and the other girl works at his hair salon and he said that he asked her out (2days after he told me he wants a divorce) and she turned him down, and he said he only asked her out because she is getting ready to move with her boyfriend to new york and he just wanted to know if she wanted to go out and do something before she left. He thinks its no big deal because first of all she turned him down, and second of all he thinks since nothing physical happened, he did nothing wrong. But i also found out (through snooping i kinda feel bad about now) that she told him he would have to stop texting her because it makes her uncomfortable because of her boyfriend

Then you just continue working on yourself. What have you done so far to improve yourself, books read, articles here read, etc.?

I have been reading a lot on here, not only Dr. Harleys information but other posts of people that have problems similar to mine, I know this doesnt count for much, but i have of course got on the right medications now, and i feel like a whole new person, and I got saved at church, and now i attend regularly, i just feel like a more rounded, more calm/mellow and understanding person than i was before. I just get so confused by how off and on he is.